Sex and the Confession Box (12 page)

Doreen
came in saying well done just a little over fifteen minutes, yeah I said but look. She burst out laughing rookie mistake you’ll need to change into something else soak that in warm water with lemon juice gets it out .Thank you so you didn’t even have to screw him bonus. Yeah let’s hope there all like that. Doubt it hone well hurry you have one coming in twenty minutes already yes she said going to be a busy day. I tidied the room took out the wipes and sprayed some air freshener. I washed between my legs again and changed into the only new thing there a baby doll pink, no panties mine didn’t quite survive so I went commando like my previous punter and pulled on a pair of hold-up stockings with lace tops tidied my make-up reapplied the lipstick and out I went to watch and wait for the next punter to get a piece of me Kara, Eileen was safe, safe for now but for how long before it soaked right in I couldn’t wait for this to be over to be free. Was it worth it all this to keep my home, James home. I could just let them take it, move in with my parents they’d not see us starve, rent a private house with the money I had until the DHS kicked in they’d pay the rent. I had tried to get work you know before all this but all that was on my C.V was yes great GCSE’S and some City and Guild’s in cosmetic make-up and manicure .My only work experience was working as a glamour model for seven years and owning my own coffee shop for one.

It didn’t do well
with the glamour modelling on a CV .I tried to do a CV without it but was asked what had I been doing the past seven years. So many job’s with thousands of applicants with just one post available I didn’t have a chance. Businesses were failing, people losing their homes the recession hit hard, so many husbands wife’s who had each other to lean own that still wasn’t enough and in so many families one of them took their own lives! So I did try I didn’t enter this lightly I’m telling myself  this convincing myself why I’m here like I had no other choice but we always, always have a choice I choose this. To fight to keep my home hadn’t I lost enough, my business my husband though that was a blessing it was still a loss of time of a failure of a father who’s no good  That’s what I’ve been telling myself but right now none of all that seemed a good enough reason to be sitting here. But I sat and I sat and I waited for Bob...

Peter’s Story

CHAPTER 13

Father O Kane took the cool glass of water from the arch Bishops secretary and drank it back wishing it had of been whiskey.
He hadn’t even went over in his head what or how he was going to approach the Bishop. Not even where to now begin he’d let himself get carried away with the hopes and dreams of the fantasy of it all but here in this cold moment he knew it finally dawned on him what he was about to do, to his life to, his soul for a life. He been baptised a catholic he’d never knew anything else this religion this institution was carved into his genes he’d never stop being a catholic whatever path he now took he’s never stop loving God whether or not God loved him back after this was another thing. But now he was going into the Arch Bishop of C.O. Down and asking him for a dispensation which would have to be put to the cardinal who then passes this onto the Vatican to the Pope. My God this was huge his heart beating faster and faster but he was frozen to the chair This could lead to my being excommunicated and death to any eternal salvation I ever hoped for from God and heaven for all my sins and my sins against my father. I feel I have paid for these sin’s in my devotion of my youth, myself to the church but now to live and to love and be with this woman am I really prepared to sin against my holy father God and risk hell! If he could have moved he would but something or more someone was holding him in that chair in that moment he could swear in his soul it was his mother, the soft gentle breeze and the smell of soft sweet violets her favourite flowers graced all around him and he closed his eyes and in a warm flutter of his soul he heard his mother say. Be happy be free. And in that moment the smell was engulfed by a puff of cigar smoke standing before him was the Bishop. Father Peter come in come in sorry to keep you waiting so long nasty business on the phone. The fear was replaced once again with the firm resolve to leave, it was fear he felt fear of leaving the diocese, the institution he’d grew dependent on all these years. His fear was just that not fear of being free or doubts of his love for Eileen time to close this door and run through this new one fast. Well Father O Kane it’s been well over a year since we last met, yes your worship at the confirmation ceremony at Saint Anthony’s last year. Went splendid I thought, yes great day. So how can I help you, you do look very troubled? I am here today to apply for a dispensation your worship. Well the bishop sucked that cigar smoke inwards and began choking so much that Father O Kane had to pour him some water from his side board beside his drinks cabinet. YOU what? Are you serious man, where did this all come from? I’ve heard nothing from Father Harkin about any problems or unsettlement you may have been having. Hats happened why all the urgency? I’m no longer able to perform my duties nor do I wish to continue to live a celibate live, I wish to leave and marry some day! The Bishop rose from his chair, is there a woman involved? Have you he said turning to him already sinned against the church and the vows you took. There is no sin and there is no woman yet, but I am leaving I have made up my mind and regardless of whether I am granted a dispensation I have in my soul already left. You know very well that a priest is always a priest, just as you are baptised you are always a catholic there is no real leaving the church whether you walk out that door or go to the other side of the world you are a priest and always will be the only thing is are you prepared for the outside world.

Here
you are held in high esteem you have an elevated status as a saviour reprehensive of Jesus can you just walk away from all that? Laicization isn’t all it appears. At the beginning yes the whole world seems so alive but then you may find yourself unable to fit in to the world to grasp a life with a woman. Priests leave even marry but they always come back to work for God in one way or the other .So yes Father O Kane I will put forward your request and the church will always leave her doors open to you, you may not be able to perform all duties should you return but we will be here.

Thank you Bishop I am glad you did not make this any more difficult that it already was for me.
Nonsense said the Bishop you’re not the first priest who has sat before me and said all that you have and more but I could see in your eyes there was no talking you out of it and I only take on battles I am sure I can win. I will be I touch oh here is my number Father O Kane said handing the father his new mobile number he bought when he dropped into Tesco to get some more clothes, a wee cheap one was all he needed he still hadn’t topped it up yet but would then he would make his first call to Eileen of course. I have left the parish house at Saint Anthony’s Father Harkin was unbearable I know this now leads you one priest short but I knew there was a rookie coming next week so perhaps he could fill in until you find someone more  permanent. Don’t you worry about that IL have that sorted by the end of the day. The car Bishop here are the keys I wish to leave as I came with nothing all the paperwork for it is back at the parish. You may continue to use it a little longer you know, thank you but no. Handing back the number to Father O Kane he said gave that to my secretary she will file it away and we will be in touch and when you have a new address please inform us of it. Of course you may just disappear some do. They shook hands cordially and the bishop opened the door and it was done. Peter gave the Bishops secretary his number and she said she’d file it away. As he was leaving she said good luck Father thank you he said puzzled thinking did she know? Was she listening perhaps shed also seen the priests who had come and gone to see the bishop and the ones heading toward the light of love have that look on their faces. Hope.

He decided to find a
BB for the night and wandered about the town Downpatrick was a lovely quiet village and the people were very friendly he came across a nice pub with a sign outside offering three course lunches for £5,95 he remembered he was hungry and now remembering now he became even more so. He walked inside the quaint wee pub and it was half full a basic pub with wooded tables and chairs and a big open fire in the corned burning the turf and the big screen TV playing music from the local radio station. He pulled up a stool at the bar and a nice young fella came over what will it be sir IL have a pint of the black stuff please and have you a menu for your lunches? On the board behind is our menu and the special for today is Beef stroganoff with wild rice or chips. Great thank you said Father O Kane turning round and surveying the menu and deciding on the soup which was potato and leek and he’d get the special. It hadn’t dawned on him until now in that pub in that moment he wasn’t a priest no more Father O Kane no more robes no more. It didn’t matter what they said or if the pope allowed him his dispensation in his heart he was no longer tied to the church or his vows, he answered to no one but him now, He alone held the keys to his own kingdom. It was strange that no one paid any mind to him at all, no one noticed him even. As before he’s walked into a bar and everyone would become all quiet and respectful the old folk would perhaps tip their hats, most would say hello father and watch their behaviour around him. The younger ones although still not really respecting the church didn’t be disrespectful just wouldn’t bother or leave. He was used to on the house father in a way for one to attain for their sins or gain passageway into to heaven through the priest’s stomach. Sadly many did feel if they left all they owned and more to the church they would be guaranteed a place with God often leaving their own children nothing after they may have cared for their parents daily for years and were hoping for a little bit of inheritance to even pay for the funeral or a little to make things that bit better. Sure what’s wrong with that, so many bitter disputes came from this and the church was often accused of luring dreams and promises of heaven to the vulnerable to get their pennies when they die. Peter never seen any of this though many as they got sick or older did cling more to the church and if it brought them hope and peace in their last days believing they were secured a place well wasn’t that what mattered to them.

Did
you ever wonder about the wee women who scrub the church clean? They would always be there polishing the brass rails when I was young me brothers and I would call them “The altar rail lickers “till me mother overheard us and what she told us brought a whole new perspective of these seemly great devout Catholics. Tracy M.C. Dodd was the lady who was never away from the chapel where I lived, anytime of the day you’d go in there she’d be scrubbing the stained glass windows on her hands and knees scrubbing the chapel floor. Well me mother said don’t you see boys she’s trying to atone for her sin, why doesn’t she just confess. She has but some sins are so great nothing can purify one’s self of it. Tracy had gotten pregnant with a steady fella who while both stupid and ignorance had committed the sin of sex her family wanted to disown her but she was sent to her mother’s sister who lived in England and she was forced to have an abortion. She came back nineteen in her years but dead in her life. This sin was always on her no matter how much she makes that chalice sparkle her soul will still remain black.

Lifting
up his pint of Guinness he said cheers to God for his being able to forgive himself and to let go and let God.

The barman had given him an address of a good wee
BB and of a second hand car dealer you can trust Mark McCauley he’ll do you a good deal. He paid for his great lunch and followed the directions to the car dealers. It was a bit run down and he didn’t have more than fifteen cars but sure all Peter wanted now was something that started and stopped and got him to Donegal and back to Eileen. The man Mark near broke his neck upon seeing a customer. Hello he said great day for it isn’t it. It’s a fine day said Peter, so you’re in the market for a fine car that’s what’s brought to myself. Yes sir looking for a good car nothing to fancy now, well got a couple of good ones to show you what’s your prize range. Now as not having been in the real world let’s say Peter fell right into this one telling him what he had to spend so of course there was a car at that price, £2,000 he said to McCauley great I have three cars around that price. He showed Peter a silver Laguna to begin with but it was full of rust and smelled of cat pee. I think there’s cats living in this one he said to McCauley who promptly closed the door the second car he showed him was the one for him even though McCauley said it was £250 over his budget he could have it for two grand, conveniently there were no prices on the cars. It was a lovely blue seat Toledo nice saloon. IL take it for a test drive if I may. You certainly can give me a second and I will get you the keys to which I am sure is about to be your new auto mobile. Started great she drove smoothly checked lights heating even the radio all played great. Back at the so called show room they made the deal and Peter drove to the BB with his first car ever. The church’s ones didn’t matter they weren’t his and he’d only ever driven his fathers. He felt so proud could have been driving a BMW and wouldn’t have felt any more proud. Simple things I’ve missed he thought pulling into the BB driveway. Nice big detached bungalow greeted him with quite a bit of land surrounding it. He got his bag out of the car and rang the bell out came a young teenager about fourteen. Hello said Peter, you looking for a room, said the young girl yes if there, s one come on in. Peter obliged as he did so a tall thin woman in her early forties came down the hallway. Hello she said Hello said Peter extending his hand which she half shook. A room is it, yes please, a single or a double she asked ushering him towards a wee desk in the hallway a single for one night thank you. That will be 

£22.00 with a full
Irish breakfast in the morning which will be served between seven thirty am until nine thirty. That will be grand he said paying the woman and taking his key. I’ll show you to your room. Down the hall he was shown to nice Spartan clean room with en suite. I can also provide an evening meal at a little extra nothing special just what I’M making for the family mind. Yes thank you that would be very kind. Well we usually have it around six thirty seven o clock when the husbands back from his work so ill knock your door and your welcome to join us at the table or I can fix you a tray. Peter thought a tray in his room would be best didn’t t want a million questions whether noisiness or just harmless curiosity best less said the better. Putting his bag on the sideboard he remembered he wanted to call Eileen but had forgotten to buy that top-up thing at the garage when he was filling up his new car. He’d do that tomorrow on the way to Donegal he didn’t want her thinking he was just trying to save her from a so called life of sin or that he was full of it. Besides he longed to talk to her know her more, in that longing would only come more time, to be without her and make this trip longer than it was  still a call tomorrow. He had so much he wanted to say that had been spinning around his head that he got up and went into the draws and sure enough there was three sheets of headed paper and an envelope with the BB’’s name address etc. So he sat and poured out his feelings to her and folded the letter and licked the envelope, he took out the piece of paper she’d written her address and number on and copied the address he,’ send her a letter to let her know he really did love her and that his heart and feelings were sincere. Setting it on the dresser to be posted in the morning he lay his head on the pillow and slept.