Seven Shades of Grey (22 page)

VikSin
: yes my friend I read you well ... that is what u have to do. … for now ... that is exactly what u have to do.

bind99
: but vik ... .

VikSin
: yes ...?

bind99
: this is not enough ...

VikSin
: u know why?

bind99
: I yearn to do more ... much more ... but nothing is clear ... right now

VikSin
: I will tell you why bins … I will tell you. … u have almost wiped your slate clean ... and the fire in you has been lit, the fire to ask questions. … that is the first sign that your mind is opening to the universe, the first sign that the quest in you has begun.

bind99
: vikram ... did u go thru all this ?

VikSin
: yes my friend ... I went through this and much more… will tell u

bind99
: I guess u had your gurus ... to help u ... and your books

VikSin
: because my child ... the yearning for one ... I had to give up because ... my thoughts and my inner being was unclear. … to wipe my karma ... my Maa has made me wait for one ... when I could have had one in the first year of marriage.

bind99
: vik ... I am really sorry to hear about your child ... is that what u were going to tell me about my inner being ?

VikSin
: no, your inner being is restless. … u are calm outside and u are only doing your duty ... your inner being is now saying ... well that much is fine ... lets move on ... we have still far to go. … start now … the word here is change.

bind99
: change ??

A dull and slow numbness started overpowering me. My eyes were glued to the screen digesting words hammered on a keyboard by hands that my body possessed and yet the words were not mine. The master puppeteer was in complete command.

MAA!

She had explained the very purpose of my existence by making me instrumental in typing to Bindu. And She was near; I could feel Her, my body soon transforming into one giant goosebump, my soul peacefully floating in a vast ocean of tranquility. I was losing myself in this ocean, my heart beating in sync with my gently bobbing body, and my hands went back to the keyboard still under the command of the master puppeteer.

VikSin
: my gurus left me ... its ok ... dolly ... don’t cry … she is coming

My eyes stared at the words typed by my hands.

Dolly don’t cry
– where had these words come from?

And master puppeteer first corrected the mistake.

VikSin
: sorry called u dolly ...

And then explained it.

VikSin
: I guess my inner being is connected somewhere else. … sorry bins really sorry.

My mind was leaving me. I started sensing something else.

bind99
: should I do a bit of reading ?

VikSin
: hang on ... for a moment ... my brain ... is gone ... just give me a moment

bind99
: or meditation ? … listen vik ... take a break ... u r really helping me ...

I could not think straight but wanted to say something to Bindu. An acute numbness, then deathly silence, was followed by a distant cry - a soft muffled voice, quivering and sobbing - trying desperately to pierce the numbness to reach me.

VikSin
: one of my dollys is crying ... I can feel it.

Master puppeteer made puppet-fingers type what puppet-mind could not understand.

The sound started becoming clearer, resembling a wail, a desperate plea for help.

VikSin
: I think the one in Singapore is. … I don’t know why.

When puppet-eyes read what puppet-hands had typed the numbness vanished, and strangely, puppet mind turned towards my sunshine, my wife.

VikSin
: my dolly in Allahabad is also sad but not crying ... she ... is ...

bind99
: but this might not be much fun for u ... I am sorry

VikSin
: ok ... she is ... coming to me.

And the veil was lifting; my Dolly was sad, not crying like a banshee—not like the one still screeching through my brain.

bind99
: listen ... I have to go now ...

VikSin
: bins ... my karma ... my being ... has left me ... to attach to my friends.

Rationality trying to make sense, typing words it understood for the first time.

VikSin
: no probs ... go ... Ill be ok ...

bind99
: and u should call up dolly ... .

VikSin
: I spoke to her in Allahabad earlier today ... she is ok.

bind99
: ok ... then try and get in touch with the other one ...

VikSin
: well ... will continue ... some other time ... yes maybe I will. … I never need a phone ... to get her ... she should come online.

bind99
: will talk to u tomorrow ... thanks

VikSin
: well ... its ok. … sure my friend ... im here.

bind99
: bye ... vik ... take care

I continued to stare at the screen, Bindu long gone, a new vortex starting to form from the screen, spiraling its way to the center of my forehead. Yet I could not see it, could not feel it, overpowered by the wailing sound characteristic of a woman crying.

My eyelids got heavy, collapsing under their own weight, darkness staring at me. I was lost in the black void searching for the source of the banshee-wail. In the distance a light was growing, soon transforming into the face of a woman in profile turned to her right - away from me, the left eye clearly visible, the left cheek tear-stained, and sound escaping quivering lips. Every few seconds the face would turn towards me, stealing a quick glance, continuing to cry uncontrollably.

Yet this was not the source of the banshee-wail.

My eyes shot open and traveled to the computer screen in front of me. I looked at the Messenger window; Dolly66 was not lit up, indicating she was not online.

It had to be her! In my mind, I willed her to log on, to stop crying and to talk to me, but Messenger staunchly refused to confirm her presence. I opened a private message window to her and typed.

VikSin
: why r u crying?

I waited for a few minutes and when she still did not log on I sent another message.

VikSin
: I am here my love, why r u crying?

And a similar deathly silence greeted me.

VikSin
: log on my love n talk to me. please don’t cry.

Desperate measures call for desperate action, and my desperate mind made my hand reach for the other phone. Fingers dialed Dolly Nair’s number in Singapore. In about thirty seconds, the phone was answered.

‘Hello,’ a quivering familiar voice spoke.

‘This is Bapu, Dolly,’ I replied.

‘How are you, Bapu?’ The voice tried
desperately to sound composed.

‘I am fine. How are you?’

‘I am OK.’

‘
Liar!
’ I wanted to scream at her. Instead, I heard myself mumble, ‘Could you please log on to the Net right now?’

‘Right now?’

‘Yes please.’

‘OK, give me a moment. I have to disconnect this phone line.’

‘OK, I will wait.’

I put the phone down and continued my vigil at Messenger. Marilyn was still online, which I found strange and yet did nothing about it. My eyes were glued to Dolly66; I wanted that ID to light up. It did just that, and my fingers were flying to open a new message window.

VikSin
: read the messages I have sent you.

Dolly66
: please wait a minute.

VikSin
: ok

And I waited. The sound in my head started receding but did not completely leave me, and I was running out of options to make it all go away. A minute later there was a reply from Dolly66. Still no reprieve to the wail echoing inside my head.

Dolly66
: I am back was just reading ur messages.

VikSin
: what happened?

Dolly66
: could not talk to u as prem was here, told him I would be back shortly

VikSin
: sorry about that

Dolly66
: yes I was crying

I was right!
I could not believe what my eyes were beholding and what my heart already knew.

And still the wail refused to leave me.

VikSin
: then why did u not tell me on the phone?

Dolly66
: because prem was here … n we were arguing about why I was crying

VikSin
: why were u crying?

Dolly66
: he thought it was because of him … I was trying to tell him that I was not well

VikSin
: why were u crying?

Dolly66
: will tell u

VikSin
: listening

Dolly66
: n he got angry saying that I was always using that as an excuse with him … he said I was either angry or crying … no love or anything else between us … but I tried to tell him that my back hurt, since I fell down

VikSin
: u never told me that

Dolly66
: wait … that is what I told him

VikSin
: ok

Dolly66
: but I was crying for another reason

VikSin
: why?

My heart was in my mouth.
I could not understand why. I was about to find out.

And the wail continued to echo in my head.

Dolly66
: because I lost my Baba

VikSin
: but I am here

Dolly66
: no u told me Baba is gone forever. I want my three-year-old, my baba back.

VikSin
: ok I will be Baba for u

Dolly66
: u don’t mean that I know because the conference hurt u a lot. … be honest with me. u were angry with me right?

VikSin
: I was angry at being brought to trial … not at u

Dolly66
: but it was I who brought u there

VikSin
: not really it was my karma … I know that now … at that time I was angry. … i told u the name baba ... u gave me ... out of love ... I accepted it.

Dolly66
: I know

VikSin
: and let me tell ... u dolly ... I have cracked open my shell for u.

Dolly66
: i know

VikSin
: that is just me.

Dolly66
: i know

VikSin
: dolly the fire that burns in me now ... is ethereal ...

Dolly66
: ok … vik I apologize for all this

VikSin
: if u apologize ... then u don’t know me still … my friends never apologize to me. … I have never allowed them to.

Dolly66
: nope. i meant him and his nutty behaviour … apologize for that

VikSin
: and u ... well what can i say about you? … words never can describe u ... but ... maybe now the words will come ... because when i get back into my shell words come out

Dolly66
: listening

VikSin
: not much to say now.

Dolly66
: do not get back into the shell now … pls dont do that

I was not being hard-hearted. A different puppeteer had taken over; it was a puppeteer named Baba, a three-year-old who was mortally wounded that day, and he made puppet fingers type. It was time for another exorcism to be performed.

VikSin
: dolly u opened a lot of doors for me ... u really did ... and today was another one. … now have to know ... what doors I want left opened. … I am not as nutty as your friend ... don’t worry on that part.

Dolly66
: vik … we have come a long way … and am not going to stand here and lose u. … i know i won’t lose u

VikSin
: yes dolly we have … come a long way.

Dolly66
: yes, and i am not one to let u go

VikSin
: the question I am asking myself is did you have me at all? … if u did why this conversation today? … dolly I told u I never run, even with those that crushed me completely ... i still saw them through

Dolly66
: he felt the words my love … meant u really fell for me

VikSin
: that is my karma

Dolly66
: he does not know becoz i don’t discuss what we discuss at all to anyone