Set Sail for Murder (28 page)

In the second box, which also had been taped and opened, Polly discovered toiletries, a wig, and several vials of pills for high blood pressure, bladder control, depression
and a herpes treatment. “Ick!” Polly said, and tossed the pharmaceuticals back into the box. “Please dear Lord, let the damn phone be in the next box,” she prayed.

Peering inside, she found a heap of what appeared to be miscellaneous odds and ends from Laura’s desk and suitcases. Among the sundry articles were a digital camera, several books, an iPod, and the new collector’s edition DVD boxed set of
The Polly Pepper Playhouse.
“May as well take this,” she said, and set the collection aside. Peering deeper into the carton she suddenly called out, “Yes!” She located Laura’s cell phone. Grabbing it from among the other items, Polly took only a moment to examine the shiny titanium casing.

As she held her golden chalice, Nurse Smalley’s voice snapped in her ear, “Meditation time is over, thief!”

Polly was startled and dropped the phone back into the box, and instantly dropped herself to the ground in a heaving pile of grief.

“My God! You’ve unwrapped all the evidence!” the nurse cried as she stepped over Polly’s body to examine the damage. “We agreed that you wouldn’t touch anything!” Nurse Smalley said.

“Technically, I didn’t unwrap anything,” Polly said. “Someone else beat me to it.”

As Tim and Placenta helped Polly to her feet, Tim insisted that his mother’s only reason for visiting Laura’s possessions was to have one last moment where she felt the presence of her friend. “You have to understand how close they were,” Tim said to Nurse Smalley. “Only her dear friends Ellen and Portia could be closer.”

Nurse Smalley gave Tim a suspicious look but admitted, “I did see your mother on
Ellen
once. It was that Eco-themed show. Polly was the spokesperson for solar bras. I almost bought one when she said that undergarments could help save Mother Earth, while generating enough electricity to charge my iPhone.”

Placenta looked at Polly and admired the way she was able to turn on the tears. “Yes, hon, we’ll have another bottle of … er … cup of tea, when we get back to your stateroom.”

As Polly continued weeping, Nurse Smalley took pity on the star and promised that she wouldn’t report the incident. However, she said that if asked by the police who had opened the sealed boxes, she would have to tell the truth. Polly nodded, and sniffled her way out of the room. When the door was closed behind them, and they bid good night to the nurse, Polly allowed Tim and Placenta to support her as they left the infirmary. Although Polly continued weeping, the waterworks turned into a trickle. By the time they reached the elevator, Polly stood up straight. “Of all the rotten luck,” she hissed. “We have to go back! I had the phone in my hand! Nurse Nosey came in and it slipped back into the box.”

Polly looked at Tim. “You knock her out. Placenta, you tie her up. I have to get that phone!”

Tim heaved a deep sigh. “You’re lucky the nurse didn’t call security! Heck, she’s still bound to put our names down as patients. There’ll be a record of our being near the body and Laura’s personal effects. We can’t be seen there again.”

Placenta agreed. “She’s on to you, Polly. If you return to the scene of your crime you’ll be hanged.”

“I’ll be hanged if I don’t get that cell phone!” Polly demanded. “I’m sorry to do this to you, Timmy.”

“I’m getting used to it,” he said.

“No, this.” Polly reached out and said, “Hold still. You’ve got something in your eye.”

“I’ve got what?”

Before Tim realized what Polly was doing, she quickly grazed her index finger over his eyeball and removed his contact lens.

“Oh, my God! That hurt! I can’t see!”

“You’ll look cute in glasses,” Polly said as she tossed
away the lens. “My hands are filthy from digging among Laura’s panties and such. Better run back to the nurse and have her wash your eye out. In the meantime, look for your lens. You probably lost it in the storage room.”

Tim was seething. “You’ve become Medea! I’m doomed! Run for your life, Placenta!”

Polly rolled her eyes. “Don’t be a baby, like Rob Schneider. Simply go back to Nurse Smalley, tell her the truth …”

“She’d have no problem believing that Polly Pepper is a maniac,” Tim said.

“… that you’re blind …”

“I’m beginning to see you more clearly.”

“… without your contacts, and you have to find them or risk falling overboard and suing the Kool Krooz company. She’ll buy that.”

“At least I’ll be telling the truth for the first time tonight,” Tim said, and resigned himself to going back to the clinic. “Someone has to play guide dog. I’m liable to fall over the atrium railing.”

Polly turned around and began to leave. “Drop by my suite the moment you have the phone.”

“Whoa!” Placenta called, and reached out to stop Polly. “You’re not getting away with this. It’s your fault that you freaked out when Nurse Smalley caught you rummaging through Laura’s personal stuff.”

Polly tsked and said, “You said yourself that the nurse is on to me. I can’t show my face there again tonight. But I need the phone! You two are my only hope. I’ve taught you everything I know about getting VIP treatment. So, go and sell it!”

“Sell what?” Tim hissed.

“Our souls to the devil,” Placenta said.

Polly looked contrite. “You know I wouldn’t ask you to do anything that I wouldn’t do myself. If I could help, I would.”

Placenta huffed. “Let’s go, Mister Tim. Turn on the waterworks like your mama taught you.”

“The only lesson I’ve learned is to never take another vacation with the legendary Polly Pepper,” Tim spat, and allowed Placenta to take him by the arm and lead him to the elevator. “If Justin Timberlake is on this ship and I miss seeing him, I’ll never forgive you,” he said to Polly as he and Placenta walked away.

W
hen Tim and Placenta arrived at the infirmary, Nurse Smalley was nowhere in sight. “Probably getting her head examined for allowing Polly access to Laura’s stuff,” Placenta said. “This is a good time for you to toss that stolen photo memory card!”

Tim crept into Dr. Girard’s office and placed the card on the floor next to the filing cabinet. “He’s not stupid enough to think he dropped it, but at least he’ll know that I don’t have it anymore,” Tim whispered to himself.

When he stepped back into the main room of the clinic, Placenta was surreptitiously peering into the adjoining storage room. She felt Tim’s presence and slowly turned around with her finger to her lips. Tim looked over Placenta’s shoulder and almost couldn’t control his reaction. There, rummaging through the open boxes was Nurse Smalley. She held Laura’s shimmering bugle-beaded gown against her body and swayed as if dancing in the expensive dress. She then lifted Laura’s satin-lined jewelry pouch from one of the boxes and placed it on an eye-level step of a ladder leaning against the wall. When she opened the small sack and looked inside, her eyes grew wide with awe.

As Tim and Placenta stayed as far back as possible they
saw Nurse Smalley slip a diamond tennis bracelet over her wrist. She then selected a diamond-and-platinum butterfly brooch and pinned it to her white coat. Next, she accented the middle finger of her left hand with a large topaz ring, and held out her hand to admire the bauble.

As the nurse returned the remaining items of jewelry to the sack and laid the pouch inside the box, she was suddenly startled by a small noise. Tim and Placenta leaned back as Nurse Smalley’s eyes darted to every corner of the room. However, she quickly realized that the sound was made by the temperature control system kicking in. Tim and Placenta backed away and left the infirmary.

When they were safely at the end of the corridor, Tim and Placenta exchanged evil smiles.

“I’m missing an eye, but I think I just saw Nurse Smalley robbing the dead,” Tim said.

“Suddenly, getting Laura’s cell phone doesn’t seem so difficult,” Placenta acknowledged. “We’re going back to the infirmary, have your eye washed out, and then tighten the screws on her sticky fingers.”

In advance of their arrival at the clinic Placenta called out, “Yoo-hoo! Nurse Smalley? We need medical attention,
por favor.”

“You sound just like Polly,” Tim said.

As Placenta led Tim into the infirmary, Nurse Smalley was locking the door to the storage room. She turned around and uneasily gave a wide smile. “So soon again?”

Placenta said that although Polly Pepper was recovering, Tim Pepper wasn’t doing as well. “He dropped a contact lens. His eye is getting infected.”

“I’m completely blind!” Tim cried. “Haven’t been able to see anything since I left here!”

As the nurse escorted Tim to an examination chair, she opened a cabinet and withdrew a bottle of eyewash. She donned a pair of gloves and magnifying spectacles, and shone a light in Tim’s eye. “You’ll live,” she said, and poured
the eyewash solution into a small eye-shaped cup. “Lean forward and hold this tight against your eye. Then tilt your head back and open your lid.”

After a minute, Nurse Smalley looked at the eye again. “I’ve saved your sight. You owe me big time,” she joked. “I’ll call Dr. Girard and have him take a look at it.”

“No! No!” Tim insisted. “It’s late. I’m fine now. But I’m out of lenses. I need to find the one I lost. I’m sure it came out when I was in the storage room.” He leaned forward and slid out of the chair. “I’ll just take a quick look,” he said, reaching for the doorknob. “It’s locked.”

“Notice the sign,” Nurse Smalley said.
“AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL ONLY
. Anyway, I’ve cleaned the room and didn’t find a contact lens.”

“Not surprising, considering how small it is.”

“Even if it had been there, I probably swept it up and dumped it in the trash.”

Tim looked around the room. “Where’s the trash?” he asked.

Nurse Smalley pointed to a white basket with a foot pedal.

Tim lifted the lid. “It’s completely empty,” he said. “I really need my lens.”

Nurse Smalley shook her head. “I told you, it’s not here.”

Tim pondered his dilemma for a moment before turning to Placenta. “Isn’t it funny how one good eye compensates for one that’s not so good? I guess my right eye is doing double duty ‘cause I never noticed that gorgeous ring before.” Tim pointed to Nurse Smalley’s hand.

Instantly, Nurse Smalley hid her hand in the pocket of her white lab coat. “I’d better call Dr. Girard now.”

Tim and Placenta simultaneously crossed their arms and moved toward the nurse. “While you’re at it, call the captain,” Tim said. “Or better yet, just hand over the key to the storage room and we won’t utter a peep about Laura’s amazing and benevolent bequest to you.”

“I don’t want this gaudy ring anyway,” Nurse Smalley fumed, and removed it from her finger. She placed it on the counter next to the eyewash, and faced Tim and Placenta with a defiant smirk. “Now leave, or I really will call Dr. Girard. And the captain, too!”

Tim and Placenta stood their ground. “There’s the phone.” Tim pointed to the white wall-mounted touchtone phone. As Nurse Smalley moved to pick up the hand set off the cradle, Tim said, “I have a photograph of Laura Crawford taken the day we embarked, and she’s wearing that same butterfly brooch. You both have good taste, but I’m afraid it looked much nicer against her lavender cashmere sweater than it does against your stark white coat.”

“Tim teaches creative accessorizing at Saks,” Placenta said. “He could show you a few tricks.”

Nurse Smalley stood still for a moment. Then she said, “You probably know that the ship has hundreds of surveillance cameras. If you aren’t out of here in two seconds, I’ll do something that will irrefutably prove that you’re intruders.”

Placenta shook her head and clucked. “When those same tapes are reviewed and they see that you weren’t wearing jewelry before you went into the storage room, but you come out looking like you’ve just been on a shopping spree at Tiffany, who do you think security will want to investigate?”

Tim said, “Frankly, all we want is to borrow Laura Crawford’s cell phone. She has a few numbers in her directory that Polly doesn’t have. If you’ll just unlock the door, I’ll grab the phone, and we’ll be on our way.”

Nurse Smalley was silent for a long moment as she considered her next move. Finally she said, “Just the cell phone? Then you’ll leave and never come back?”

“Not unless a shark attacks me in the pool,” Tim said.

Smalley reached into her pocket and withdrew the key to the storage room. She held it in her hand for a moment,
and then gave a reluctant sigh. “It’s all yours,” she said, placing the key on the counter.

Just as Tim was about to reach out to retrieve the key, Placenta held him back. “You’ll be shown on the surveillance tape opening a locked
AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL ONLY
door,” she said. “Nurse Nincompoop here will have our nuts in a vise.”

“Oh, for crying out loud,” Smalley snapped. She picked up the key and inserted it into the door lock. “Have at it! I’m turning my back. I’ll honestly be able to say I didn’t see anything.”

“Na-ah,” Placenta demanded. “You lead the way. I’m not letting you say that we entered the room without permission. If we get into trouble, you’ll be right by our side. Now, move it.”

The nurse pulled open the door and stepped inside the storage room. Tim and Placenta followed. “You call this clean?” Tim said, as he went straight to the tower of cardboard boxes. He lifted the first one off the stack and placed it on the floor. He set the second box on top of the first one. Tim then opened up the third box, and immediately retrieved the cell phone. “Exactly where Polly said it would be.”

“Don’t forget the charger,” Placenta reminded.

Just as Tim was about to close up the box, the trio heard a voice calling out for Nurse Smalley from within the infirmary.

“Damn!” Tim said. Just as he shoved the phone into the waist of his pants and tried to cover it with the tails of his shirt, he looked up to find Dr. Girard standing in the doorway, his mouth agape.

Placenta tried to cover for them. “You’d think this was Tut’s tomb,” she said. “Some reprehensible person had the audacity to break in here and trash the place. Probably looking for dead celebrity souvenirs. I’ll keep my eyes on eBay!” She reached out for Tim’s hand and started to leave.