Separate Roads (38 page)

With a trembling hand she grasped the great brass latch and gave a little yank on the door. It opened. She was both relieved and fearful. Ignoring her fear, she stepped inside, into a small vestibule. It was dark and gave Caitlan a chill. Obviously no one cared to waste lamp oil on an empty church. She felt like an intruder. Perhaps she was committing a crime by going in uninvited. But the doors had been unlocked. This encouraged her, and she walked through the vestibule, through an open arched doorway that led into the sanctuary.

It wasn’t as dark in here because there were several stained-glass windows catching the afternoon light. One wall of windows in particular was lit up to the point of being glaring. This wall faced the west and was absorbing the light of the setting sun. It was really quite beautiful with fragmented and fractured beams of multicolored light dancing over the pews on that side of the sanctuary.

Caitlan took a seat opposite this so she could watch the pretty light display. But after a few minutes she knew she was merely avoiding her real purpose for venturing into this place. She inhaled a deep breath. But even with that to steady her, it wasn’t an easy thing to open a dialog with the Creator of the universe.

“Why is it that I must be left out? All me friends have this special thing, but I cannot seem to grasp it. Is it possible that all of them are wrong and I am right?”

She smiled.

It did not seem possible. Jordana might be mistaken; she was, after all, somewhat given to flights of fancy. Kiernan could be wrong, too. Caitlan really didn’t know him very well.

And Brenton . . .

No, Brenton could not be wrong. And it wasn’t just because she loved him. She had simply never known a person who was steadier, more levelheaded. If Brenton believed something, then there could be little question of its validity. She would stake her life on it.

Yet, if she believed Brenton was right about the existence of God, the love of God and all the rest, then why was she fighting it so?

And it came back to her own sense of inadequacy. If she couldn’t believe Brenton could love her as she loved him, how could she believe it about an invisible God? She thought suddenly of the beautiful green dress Jordana had wanted her to buy. And she realized Jordana had truly believed it suited Caitlan. Imagine that! Jordana saw her as someone who could actually wear a $9.98 dress, of fashionable cut and fine Irish lace.

Was it possible that God could see her in that way also?

But what if she invested in the dress and put it on and realized it was ridiculous on her? After all, you couldn’t make a silk purse from a sow’s ear.

“I’m so afraid . . .” she murmured.

And suddenly she jumped up and fled that church. And she ran the rest of the way home, not caring if the police arrested her. At the moment, arrest was the least of her problems.

——

Victoria cornered Brenton in the parlor. Not that he had been avoiding her. But they hadn’t really had a good visit since his arrival. He supposed he had been keeping a bit aloof from everyone. He felt lonely and out of sorts and could hardly figure out his own feelings, much less explain them to others. He hoped to work it out for himself, but it seemed he was just sinking deeper and deeper into a pit of disillusionment.

“Brenton, do you have a moment to talk?”

He was seated on the sofa reading a book he’d found on the small shelf. Dickens’
A Tale of Two Cities.
He’d read it before, so he was merely reading it now for diversion.

“Of course, Victoria.” He closed the covers of the book. “Have a seat.”

She sat in the wing chair facing the sofa. “I should have brought tea. We haven’t really had a chance to visit—just you and me.”

“I’m sorry if I have appeared to ignore you. I didn’t intend to. I suppose I just feel . . .” He paused, then shook his head. He did not want to get into that. “What did you want to talk about, Victoria?”

“Well, some of my lady friends—they’re not close friends really. I know them through church. We meet monthly for a small sewing circle and do some charitable work. Anyway, I happened to mention to them the last time I was at church about your photography, and they were quite interested in seeing your pictures.”

Brenton practically sighed with relief. He’d feared a more personal request. “I’d love to do that.”

“I thought I could have a luncheon here, and you could give a small lecture along with the showing. I know it would be fascinating.”

He gave a self-deprecating shrug, but in reality he did think his work was fascinating, and there was no reason others would not think so, too.

“You just let me know when, and I will prepare something,” he said.

“Wonderful.” She paused, glanced at her hands in her lap, then added, “Tell me a bit about this dream of yours, to photograph the country.”

“You don’t want to wait until my lecture?”

“It might help you organize your thoughts to talk about it ahead of time.”

He wondered vaguely if she had some ulterior motive in her interest, then chided himself for his suspicion and launched into a brief sharing of his dreams and hopes for his profession. Then he made the mistake of mentioning how Caitlan had assisted him.

“She is becoming quite a proficient photographer in her own right,” he said proudly.

“I expect it’s because she has had a good teacher,” suggested Victoria.

“She learns quickly.”

“But . . .” Victoria paused hesitantly.

“What is it, Victoria?”

“Well . . . I only wish she were easier to get to know. Sometimes I wonder if she . . .” She glanced away as if she had said too much, then took a breath and continued. “Well, she seems a bit standoffish.”

“Oh, I can’t believe that,” Brenton said defensively. “I think it only appears that way because she is shy. I’ve never seen her treat anyone with anything but kindness. You must be mistaken.”

“Perhaps . . .”

“Give her a chance, Victoria. She probably acts withdrawn because she doesn’t feel that she’s good enough. She just won’t believe in herself and can’t seem to see what a sweet, loving, generous woman she is.” Brenton exhaled a ragged sigh. Sometimes that separated them worse than her lack of faith. “She has so many wonderful qualities. Everyone can see them but her.”

“That’s very interesting, Brenton.” She paused, then arched a brow in a most peculiar way. “Can I ask you something else?” He nodded, and she went on. “How long have you been in love with her?”

“Well, I—” He stopped suddenly as the full import of the question struck him. “Wh-whatever do you mean?” But he knew it was too late for denials. “Almost from the first minute I saw her,” he added quietly, reverently.

Victoria moved to the sofa beside him and took his hands in hers. “Oh, Brenton!” she smiled. “That is so sweet.”

“Were you just baiting me before, with all that ‘standoffish’ business?” he asked matter-of-factly, but he already knew the answer. What he didn’t know was why.

“I confess.” Victoria grinned. “I guess there’s a bit of a conspiracy among those who love you both, to . . . well, nudge the two of you together.”

“All the nudging in the world won’t do a bit of good if she doesn’t love me back, and Victoria—” Did he dare tell her everything? He’d always looked up to his big sister. Maybe she would know what to do about the fool he had been. “We used to be friends, we got along so well, then I did . . . I was such an idiot! I kissed her!”

“You kissed her?” The corners of Victoria’s mouth were twitching as if she could barely contain her amusement.

He hated being laughed at, especially when she did not understand. “Victoria, immediately after I took advantage of her, she moved away and went to live with her employer. I’m sure she despises me now. I was so crass. I ruined everything!”

A giggle now escaped Victoria’s lips.

Brenton gaped at her, incredulous that she could be so unfeeling as he poured out his heart to her.

“I’m sorry,” she said, trying to be serious. “But my dear brother, you have so much to learn about women.”

“What does that mean?”

“I don’t know what Caitlan thought about that kiss, but there is not a single person who sees the two of you together, even now when you are both trying so hard to avoid each other, that can’t see Caitlan is very much in love with you.”

“Are you still making fun of me?” He took off his glasses and rubbed the bridge of his nose. This was too much for him to fathom. She loved him? How could it be?

“Brenton, have you ever thought that perhaps she moved out because she feared her feelings for you—her feelings of love?”

“Well . . . I know I feared my feelings for her. And it was getting very difficult to live under the same roof.”

“There you go!”

“Do you think it is truly possible—that she loves me? I don’t dare believe it.” His head was spinning.

“Believe it, Brenton. And then you should decide what you will do about it.”

Now his stomach began flip-flopping in sync to his spinning head. “D-do about it?”

“Uh-huh.” She gave him a superior big-sister nod.

“Would Kiernan even consider me a suitable match for his sister?”

Victoria burst out laughing now, no longer able to contain herself. “Well, he found at least one Baldwin suitable to wed an O’Connor. What’s one more?”

But before he could respond, the front door opened, and in a moment, Caitlan herself walked past the parlor door.

34

When Caitlan glanced into the parlor and saw Brenton and Victoria, she wished she had just walked past without looking. But of course when she saw them, and they saw her, she couldn’t very well pretend she hadn’t.

“Hello,” she said from the door.

They both returned the greeting. Brenton avoided her eyes.

Victoria smiled, then looked over Caitlan’s shoulder. “Where is Jordana?”

Caitlan would have welcomed any question but that. “Oh . . . um . . . she wanted to do a bit more shopping. . . .” she lied. How could she admit, especially to Brenton, that the two of them had argued and she had walked out on Jordana?

“I hope she won’t be too much longer,” said Victoria. “It’s getting dark out.”

Brenton chuckled. “She’ll probably stay out after dark just to emphasize how independent she is.”

“Well, this isn’t Baltimore, or even New York City,” Victoria cautioned. “There are many rough characters hereabouts.”

“They are everywhere, but I’ll admit a good share have drifted west. But in our travels we have encountered more than our share. Jordana has learned something about taking care of herself.”

“’Tis how you truly feel, Brenton?” Caitlan responded with such surprise, she forgot she had wanted to avoid him. “You have fretted over Jordana more than anyone.”

“That’s true. Maybe I’ve relaxed a bit now that I am no longer the only one responsible for her.” He paused and slipped on his glasses, which he had been holding in his hands. “That is careless of me. I am sorry.”

“I didn’t mean—”

“I do appreciate your saying something, for I have only now realized what I’ve been doing. I will remedy that by continuing to assume my responsibility.”

“Jordana won’t like to hear that, I am sure,” Caitlan said wryly.

“Well, at any rate,” Victoria said, rising, “I must see to dinner. Brenton, I have enjoyed our visit.”

“Thank you, Victoria.”

Victoria exited the parlor.

Caitlan said, “Let me be puttin’ away me coat, Victoria, then I’ll come and help ya.”

“You must be tired from your outing. You are welcome to sit with Brenton and pass the time. I’ll call you if I need you.”

“Goodness! I wouldn’t hear of just sittin’ around while ya work.” Caitlan was already halfway to the stairs. “I’ll be back down in a minute.”

Victoria shrugged with a peculiar look on her face.

An hour later, while Caitlan was helping Victoria in the kitchen by peeling potatoes, Brenton opened the door and poked his head in.

“Has Jordana come home yet?” he asked. “I thought perhaps she might have come in the back door.”

“No, she hasn’t,” answered Victoria.

“She should have been home by now,” said Caitlan.

“That’s what I’m thinking,” agreed Brenton, coming all the way into the kitchen. “She has been known to take some foolish risks, but I think even she understands the dangers of being out alone after dark.”