Separate Flights (24 page)

‘I'll go with you.'

Outside the sky is growing light, the night is almost ended, and inside Peter lies awake. Jo sleeps in his arms, his flesh is warm from the fire, and his heart is a piñata: it bursts and streams invisible colors which he can see: they are the colors of fire, the hopeful rose and gold and red of sunrise, and in the colors he sees Jo, her eyes are a laughing pale blue sky, tonight he will bring wine and flowers, this afternoon between records he will say, once and softly: Hello Jo; and he means that hello, his warm heart pounds with it, he will follow the course of it, for love is time too, and lying here before the fire and looking at her sleeping face on his arm he knows he will love her, and with great relief and new strength his blood runs through his body and he kisses her until she warmly wakes and encircles him with her squeezing arms; he ascends; he is Prometheus; and he pauses in his passion to gently kiss her brightened eyes.

Miranda Over the Valley

A
LL THAT DAY
she thought of Michaelis: as she packed for school in Boston and confirmed her reservation and, in Woodland Hills, did shopping which she knew was foolish: as though she were going to some primitive land, she bought deodorant and bath powder and shampoo, and nylons and leotards for the cold. At one o'clock she was driving the Corvette past cracked tan earth and dry brush, it was a no smoking zone and she put out her cigarette and thought: Now he has finished his lunch and they have gone back to the roof, he's not wearing his shirt, he has a handkerchief tied around his head so sweat won't burn his eyes; he's kneeling down nailing shingles. She saw them eating dinner, her last good Mexican food until she flew west again at Thanksgiving, but she could not see the evening beyond dinner. She saw enchiladas and Margaritas, she saw them talking, she talked with him now driving to the shopping center, but after that she saw nothing. And she was afraid. In the evening she brushed her long dark hair and waited for him and she opened the front door when he rang; he was tall, he was tanned from his summer work, and he shook her father's hand and kissed her mother's cheek. Miranda liked the approval in her parents' eyes, and she took his arm as they walked out to the driveway, to his old and dented Plymouth parked behind the Corvette. They went to dinner and then drove and then stopped on Mulholland Drive, high above the fog lying over the San Fernando Valley, and out her window she saw stars and a lone cloud slowly passing the moon. She took his thick curly hair in one hand and kissed him and with her tongue she told him yes, told him again and again while she waited for him to know she was saying yes.

The next day her parents and Michaelis took her to the airport.

She met Holly at the terminal and they flew to Boston. She was eighteen years old.

She lived with Holly in a second-floor apartment Holly found on Beacon Street. It was large, and its wide, tall windows overlooked the old, shaded street. They put a red carpet in the living room and red curtains at the windows. Holly's boyfriend, who went to school in Rhode Island, built them a bar in one corner, at the carpet's edge. Holly was a year older than Miranda, this was her second year at Boston University, and the boys who came to the apartment were boys she had known last year. There were also some new ones, and soon Holly was making love with one of them. His name was Brian. When he came to the apartment Miranda watched him and listened to him, but she could neither like him nor dislike him, because she could not understand who he was. He was a student and for him the university was a stalled escalator: he leaned against its handrails, he looked about him and talked and gestured with his hands, his pale face laughed and he stroked his beard, and his hair tossed at his neck. But there was no motion about him.

When he spent the night, Holly unfolded the day bed in the living room and Miranda had the bedroom to herself. She lay on her twin bed at the window and listened to rock music from an all-night FM station; still there were times when, over the music, she could hear Holly moaning in the next room. The sounds and her images always excited her, but sometimes they made her sad too; for on most weekends Tom drove up from Providence and on Friday and Saturday nights Miranda fell asleep after the same sounds had hushed. Brian knew about Tom and seemed as indifferent to his weekend horns as he was to an incomplete in a course or the theft of his bicycle, which he left on the sidewalk outside a Cambridge bar one Sunday afternoon.

Tom knew nothing about Holly's week nights. The lottery had spared him, so he was a graduate student in history and, though he tried not to, at least once each visit he spoke of the diminishing number of teaching jobs. He was robust and shyly candid and Miranda liked him very much. She liked Holly very much too and she did not want to feel disapproval, but there it was in her heart when she heard the week night sounds and then the weekend sounds, and when she looked at Tom's red face and thick brown moustache and thinning hair. One night in late September Miranda and Holly went to a movie and when they came home they sat at the bar in the living room and drank a glass of wine. After a second glass Miranda said Tom had built a nice bar. Then she asked if he was coming this weekend. Holly said he was.

‘I'd feel divided,' Miranda said, and she looked at Holly's long blonde hair and at the brown, yellow-tinted eyes that watched her like a wise and preying cat.

Then it was early October and she was afraid. At first it was only for moments which struck her at whim: sometimes in class or as she walked home on cool afternoons she remembered and was afraid. But she did not really believe, so she was only afraid when memory caught her off guard, before she could reassure herself that no one was that unlucky. Another week went by and she told Holly she was late.

‘You can't be,' Holly said.

‘No. No, it must be something else.'

‘What would you do?'

She didn't know. She didn't know anything except that now she was afraid most of the time. Always she was waiting. Whether she was in class or talking to Holly or some other friend, even while she slept and dreamed, she was waiting for that flow of blood that would empty her womb whether it held a child or not. Although she did not think of womb, of child, of miscarriage. She hoped only for blood.

Then October was running out and she knew her luck was too. Late Halloween afternoon she went to the office of a young gynecologist who had the hands of a woman, a plump face and thin, pouting lips. He kept looking at his wrist watch. He asked if she planned to keep the child and when she told him yes he said that if she were still in Boston a month from now to come see him. As she was leaving, the receptionist asked her for twenty dollars. Miranda wrote a check, then went out to the street where dusk had descended and where groups of small witches, skeletons, devils, and ghosts in sheets moved past her as she stopped to light a cigarette; she followed in the wake of their voices. Holly was home. When Miranda told her she said: ‘Oh Jesus. Oh Jesus Jesus Jesus.'

‘I'm all right,' Miranda said. She noticed that she sounded as if she were reciting something. ‘I'm all right. I'm not in trouble, I'm only having a baby. It's too early to call Michaelis. It's only three o'clock in California. He'll still be at school. I'd like to rest a while then eat a nice meal.'

‘We only have hamburger. I'll go out and get us some steaks.'

‘Here.'

‘No. It's my treat.'

While Holly was gone, Miranda put on Simon and Garfunkel and the Beatles and lay on the couch. The doorbell rang and she went downstairs and gave candy to the children. She and Holly had bought the candy yesterday: candy corn, jelly beans, bags of small Tootsie Rolls, orange slices, and chocolate kisses; and now, pouring candy into the children's paper bags, smiling and praising costumes, she remembered how frightened she was yesterday in the store: looking at the cellophane bags of candy, she had felt she did not have the courage to grow a minute older and therefore would not. Now as she passed out the candy she felt numb, stationary, as though she were suspended out of time and could see each second as it passed, and each of them went on without her.

She went upstairs and lay on the couch and the doorbell rang again. The children in this group were costumed too, but older, twelve or thirteen, and one of the girls asked for a cigarette. Miranda told her to take candy or nothing. When she went upstairs she was very tired. She had been to three classes, and she had walked in the cold to the doctor's and back. While the Beatles were singing she went to sleep. The doorbell rang but she didn't answer; she went back into her deep sleep. When Holly came in talking, Miranda woke up, her heart fast with fright. Holly put on the Rolling Stones and broiled the steaks and they drank Burgundy. During dinner Brian called, saying he wanted to come over, but Holly told him to make it tomorrow.

At eight o'clock, when it was five in California, Miranda went to the bedroom and closed the door and sat on her bed. The phone was on the bedside table. She lowered her hand to the receiver but did not lift it. She gazed at her face in the reflecting window. She was still frozen out of time, and she was afraid that if Michaelis wasn't home, if the phone rang and rang against the walls of his empty apartment, something would happen to her, something she could not control, she would go mad in Holly's arms. Then she turned away from her face in the window and . looked at the numbers as she dialed; his phone rang only twice and then he answered and time had started again.

‘Happy Halloween,' she said.

‘Trick or treat.'

‘Trick,' she said. ‘I'm pregnant.' He was silent. She closed her eyes and squeezed the phone, as though her touch could travel too, as her voice did, and she saw the vast night between their two coasts, saw the telephone lines crossing the dark mountains and plains and mountains between them.

‘It's about two months, is that right?'

‘It was September second.'

‘I know. Do you want to get married?'

‘Do you?'

‘Of course I do. If that's what you're thinking about.'

‘I'm not thinking about anything. I saw the doctor this afternoon and I haven't thought about anything.'

‘Look: do you want to do it at Thanksgiving? That'll give me time to arrange things, I have to find out about blood tests and stuff, and your folks'll need some time—you want me to talk to them?'

‘No, I will.'

‘Okay, and then after Thanksgiving you can go back and finish the semester. At least you'll have that done. I can be looking for another apartment. This is all right for me, maybe all right for two, but with a—' He stopped.

‘Are you sure you want to?'

‘Of course I am. It just sounded strange, saying it.'

‘You didn't say it.'

‘Oh. Anyway, we'll need more room.'

‘I didn't think he'd do that,' Holly said. She was sitting on the living room carpet, drinking tea. Miranda could not sit down; she stood at the window over Beacon Street, she went to the bar for a cigarette, she moved back to the window. ‘I just didn't think he would,' Holly said.

‘You didn't want him to.'

‘Are you really going to get
mar
ried?'

‘I love him.'

‘He's your first one.'

‘My first one. You mean the first one I've made love with.'

‘Yes.'

‘And that's how you mean it.'

‘That's how. And you've only done
that
once.'

‘That's not what it means to me.'

‘How would you know? You've never had anybody else.'

‘But you have.'

‘What's that mean.'

‘I guess it means look at yourself.'

‘All right. I'll look at myself. I've never had to get married, and I've never had to get an abortion, and nobody owns me.'

‘I want to be owned.'

‘You do?'

‘Yes. The way you are now, you have to lie.'

‘I don't lie to Tom. He doesn't ask.'

‘I don't mean just that. I don't know what I mean; it's just all of it. I have to go outside for a minute. I have to walk outside.'

She put on her coat as she went down the gray-carpeted stairs. She walked to the corner and then up the dead-end street and climbed the steps of the walk that crossed Storrow Drive. As she climbed she held the iron railing, but it was cold and she had forgotten her gloves. She put her hands in her pockets. She stood on the walk and watched the cars coming and passing beneath her and listened to their tires on the wet street. To her right was the Charles River, wide and black and cold. On sunny days it was blue and in the fall she had watched sailboats on it. Beyond the river were the lights of Cambridge; she thought of the bars there and the warm students drinking beer and she wanted Michaelis with her now. She knew that: she wanted him. She had wanted him for a long time but she had told him no, had even gone many times to his apartment and still told him no, because all the time she was thinking. On that last night she wasn't thinking, and she had not done any thinking since then: she had moved through September and October in the fearful certainty of love, and she still had that as she stood shivering above the street, looking out at the black river and the lights on the other side.

She phoned her parents at nine-fifteen, during their cocktail hour. Her mother talked on the phone in the breakfast room, and her father went to his den and used the phone there. He would be wearing a cardigan and drinking a martini. Her mother would be wearing a dress; nearly always she put on a dress at the end of the day. She would be sitting on the stool by the phone, facing the blackboard where Miranda and her two older brothers had read messages when they came home from school, and written their own. Once, when she was a little girl, she had come home and read:
Pussycat, I'm playing golf. I'll be home at four, in time to pay Maria
. And she had written:
Maria was not here. I feel sick and I am going to bed
. Beyond her mother's head, the sun would be setting over the bluff behind the house; part of the pool would be in the bluff's shadow, the water close to the house still and sunlit blue.