Seize the Day (30 page)

He didn't bother cursing when he learned about me. Dad just cried with me and prayed that they were wrong.

He spoke to Maya for a while, too. “How is he? Really?” I asked my daughter about her grandfather.

“I don't know, Daddy. I was over Granddaddy's place on Saturday. He had out photo albums with all these photos of you and Grandma. He was very solemn. He told me I was stronger than him. But I was honest: I told him I cry myself to sleep every night. He said he did, too.”

That didn't make me feel good. It was one of the reasons I was so upset about things: Other people, people I cared about, would be hurt. Skylar was not one of them.

“Dad, Mom came down here because she's scared. I know she did some really bad things to you. But she knows how much you mean to me and she's worried about both of us. So, she thought coming here would be a chance to mend the old wounds and we can talk and figure out some things, how to deal with all this.”

I wanted to scream, but something else came out of my session with Dr. Ali. I needed peace in my life. For eighteen years, even if I didn't think about Skylar, the rage I felt for her resided in me. It was there, hovering. Dr. Ali, through the meditation and focus on cleansing the soul as well as the body, forced me to face that pain and anger—and to understand that it was weighing me down in ways I hadn't noticed.

Dr. Ali said, in a quiet, soothing voice as I sat on a mat with my feet together and eyes closed: “What we do here is help you to understand you can control your health and your peace. By clean eating (no meats, no dairy, just organic fruits and vegetables) and clean living (no people in your life who do not cheer when you win, no hanging on to grudges, no hatred), you can go about your daily life with the physical and mental and spiritual peace that satisfies your soul.”

So, I told Maya: “You know what? You're right, baby. All these years, it has done me no good to be so angry. Of course, I
had
to be angry in the beginning. And confused as to why she would try to hurt me like that. But, in the end, she did what she did—I had to deal with it and let it go.

“I didn't. Telling her to her face and telling you felt good. I hated that you had to hear that, but her showing up here just brought back all the pain and anger that's been in me for
eighteen
years. But I see the light, so to speak. I understand that I have gotten way past that and have far more important life concerns to deal with than hating your mother. So, I have let it go, Maya. I will not bring it up again and I will treat her better. I won't be all hugs and kisses. But I will definitely let go of the hostility. This is a spiritual detox.”

“Well, listen to you. I'm so happy, Daddy. That would make this whole experience so much better.”

I shared my thoughts with her on my time with Dr. Ali back to the hotel. She wanted to stop by Atlantic Station, but I needed to get back to Moses. I was sure he needed to be walked.

When I got to the room, however, Moses wasn't there, and my heart pounded so hard I could hear it.
Where was he?

I ran outside and scoured the sprawling complex, going between buildings, screaming his name. I was almost dizzy. I
needed
my dog. I had come to rely on him. He was a constant reminder that I did some good in finding and taking care of him. He was my comfort, my company. He represented life for me.

Sweat poured down my face, from the sun but mostly because the fear gripped me that I would never see Moses again. I ran to the front desk. No one there had seen him. I covered the entire property, but Moses was not to be found.

I went out to Piedmont Avenue, cars zooming by, but no sign of Moses. I was devastated. I took the longest walk back to my room, heartbroken. Instead of going in, I just sat there on the ground, head in my hands. I felt empty, as if I had lost a close friend…and it was my fault.

Just before I broke down, I saw an image through my peripheral vision. I didn't want anyone to see me in such despair, so I tried to compose myself and get up. When I turned to my right, there was Skylar…with Moses on his leash.

The relief was so strong that I actually had to hold back tears. She let go of the leash and he ran to me, bouncing like he did the first time I walked him in Charlotte. I fell back to the ground and let him jump into my arms. He was so happy to see me that he squirmed and wagged his tail as if it were a fan. “Man, I was so scared,” I said to him as I held him in one arm and wiped my face with my other hand. “What happened? Where have you been?”

I looked up at Skylar. “I was scared to death. What happened? What were you doing with him?”

“I'm sorry you were scared. I was kind of devastated that you wouldn't let me go with you this morning, so I just hung outside right here, by your door for a few minutes, trying to figure out what I was going to do. Then the housekeeping woman came. She knocked on your door and when no one answered, she opened it.

“And your dog came running out. I had to chase him down. I'm not sure, of course, but it was like he was trying to catch you. I finally caught up with him and brought him back to your room; the housekeeper was in there cleaning. I didn't want to leave him, so I got his leash and took him to our room.”

“Oh, my God. Thank you. Skylar, if this little dog had been gone, I don't know what I would have done. I was so angry with you that I forgot to put the ‘Do Not Disturb' sign on the door. And if you weren't here, he would have just run off and gotten hit by a car.

“I know this is ironic since I'm dying, but you saved my life.”

Skylar put her hand over her mouth. I had not said a nice word to her in eighteen years. Anything I had said was unpleasant. Hearing something pleasant from me shocked her.

“Calvin, I don't know if it's that serious, but I'm glad I was here, too. I knew he was important to you because you didn't like dogs. But Maya told me how you had grown so close to him so quickly. Anyway, I'm glad I was here. And thank you for saying something nice to me.”

I gathered myself and stood up. I was so emotional and had so embraced letting go of our past that I put Moses on the ground and hugged Skylar.

At that moment Maya walked up. She was stunned, mouth open. Finally, she said: “Excuse my French, but what the hell is happening?”

I
n my room, I watched Moses eat as Skylar and Maya gushed about how, in the finding of a dog, we were able to sit in harmony, as a quasi-family and talk to each other and not about each other—for the first time that Maya could remember.

“I thought I was going to faint when I saw you hugging Mom,” Maya said. “I knew we had a good talk in the car, but my goodness.”

“I know, right?” Skylar said. “I haven't felt any love from this man in decades.”

I was not sure how to react, but I looked down at Moses, and I just gave them the truth.

“I was angry because I was hurt. That's not easy to admit, but it makes no sense to me to not be honest at this point in my life with my daughter and the mother of my daughter. We both were young. I shouldn't have been trying to get the ring back, to be honest. It made perfect sense to me at the time because I was looking to hurt you, and that was the only thing I had as my power. I didn't recognize that I was being petty. I didn't recognize that the best thing for me to do was to just leave. I couldn't accept what I didn't like and didn't know how to maturely respond to it. That doesn't mean it was OK to lie and say I choked you. It's to acknowledge that if I had been smart about it, I would have just walked.”

“I'm sorry, Calvin. I am,” Skylar said. “You said it better than I ever did: We were young and immature. I regret being who I was back then and I regret hurting you and lying on you. It has haunted me the last eighteen years. So, you don't know what it means to me to be able to sit here with you and have a real conversation. If we're going to be totally honest, I can say that I was acting out and afraid that you didn't love me as I loved you. I didn't know how to respond to being vulnerable. I never had been. Every guy I dated was just some guy. You were ambitious and doing what you wanted to do. I admired that. And I wondered:
Why would he want me? He doesn't really want me.
And those thoughts drove me to dark places.”

“Did you know any of this, Dad?”

“None of it. I respect what you're saying, Skylar. I appreciate you saying it. In the end, I wish we were mature enough to have a real conversation and maybe we wouldn't have carried around all this stuff we have for years.”

She took a moment before saying: “We weren't supposed to be together. We were good for each other for a time, but I think our coming together was to produce our child more than anything else. But I always wanted the best for you. I was proud that you were Maya's dad and proud of the way you always were there for her, as much or more than I was.

“So, learning about, you know, the cancer, it's been hard for me. It's been hard for me because you helped me bring this wonderful person into this world.
We
did that.
We
raised her—and look at her. Perfect. That's our special connection. So I would never want anything bad to happen to you. And I know how much you mean to Maya. I guess I'm just saying that we both need you around. And to think you won't be here is very hard to accept. Impossible to accept.”

I had forgotten how talkative Skylar could be. I looked over at Maya, and she was crying. It became a sad scene, one I never would have expected. And I was at the center of it, which made it even worse for me.

I went to the couch and hugged Maya. “It's OK, baby,” knowing it really was not OK.

Maya and I embraced, with Skylar looking on, and I tried to hold back tears. Right then, though, I thought about how silly that was, that notion that men don't or shouldn't cry. Was that saying men shouldn't have emotions? Was that saying that after he cried, he could not return to being the man he always had been? It was an archaic concept and a silly one, too. I cried most nights and I didn't feel less than whom I had always been.

I cried watching
The Pursuit of Happyness,
the part when homeless Will Smith and his son were barricaded in a filthy public bathroom and someone was knocking on the door. He hugged his son tightly, covered his ears and rocked him as tears flowed down his face. If that scene didn't ring emotionally to a man, then he was disconnected from his feelings.

Being a man had nothing to do with not crying. It had everything to do with
being
a man.

So when the tears rolled down my face, I was not ashamed. The emotion I had around my daughter always had been strong. Shoot, I cried when she was born.

Finally, we both composed ourselves—and Skylar wiped the tears from her face, too—and took deep breaths. I tried to ease the tension.

“It's time for a drink,” I said. “Some vodka.”

They laughed. “I don't think so,” Maya said.

Plus, she said, “I don't drink anymore.”

“Since when?” I asked. “We were at Ben's Next Door the other week and you were drinking.”

Maya rose from the couch and stood in front of Skylar and me. “I drank water at Ben's. I drank water because I'm pregnant.”

She covered her mouth. Skylar jumped up and hugged her. I was transfixed on the couch, shocked, confused, conflicted. I did not want my mixed emotions to spoil her moment, so I reluctantly got up and hugged my daughter, too.

“I'm so glad you're happy for me,” she said.

“Well, let's talk about this.” I sat back down. “For me, I won't say I'm happy. You're twenty-three, just getting your career started. You're
not married.
And who the hell is the father? On top of that, are you prepared to be a mother? You think it's a big responsibility? However big you think it is, multiply it by a thousand.”

“Well, Maya baby, your father has some valid points,” Skylar said. “Who is this boy who got you pregnant?”

“He's a twenty-five-year-old man, not a boy,” Maya answered. “His name is Terrell Pickens.”

I turned to Skylar. “Have you met this kid?”

“Never heard of him. Maya, who is he and why haven't we met him?”

“Dad, you actually met him.”

“What? When was this?”

“That time about a year ago when you had to work at a basketball game at the school and I had that event at the Kennedy Center. I went with my friend, Maureen, instead, and we came out and my car had a flat tire. I called AAA, but it was taking a long time for them to get there. So, I called you and you came after the game. When you got there, there was this man standing and waiting with me. That was Terrell. He saw me waiting and asked if it was OK that he waited with me, that I shouldn't be out there by myself because Maureen had already gone in her car. You shook his hand and thanked him. You said, ‘Now, that's a gentleman to wait with you.'