Authors: Tanya Taimanglo
With Thomas, the escalation was impossibly quick and I wasn’t sure if dousing our feelings continuously would kill anything between us altogether. Would it be fair to ask him to wait again? Was I worth the wait? I guess I could only offer him the truth and wait and see. I needed to get myself in focus and if I had to wait another two months to have the divorce, Thomas would have to wait too.
“Hey, Phoenix.” Thomas placed his hand under my chin and raised my face to his. He was quiet and patient as I mulled over these thoughts. Thomas watched as the two cars drove off with three variations of colossal Chamorro men. Ty was smart enough to drive Bradley away from where Thomas and I stood. As the anger and shame began to settle in me, I became aware of how brisk the night air was. My mermaid costume was not a good barrier from the cold. Thomas tuned into my discomfort and he reached out to warm my arms. I let him.
“Want to wear my forearm warmers?” Thomas joked.
“That’s okay. I should get back to my uncle’s house.” I kept my eyes just past Thomas, looking at the gift I gave him dangling from the mirror in his car. Maybe I shouldn’t have given him false hope by giving him a token of my affection so soon.
“You’ll be okay, Phoenix. I won’t let anything happen to you.” Thomas reassured me and I believed him. I knew that despite this outburst, he felt we made progress tonight. I didn’t want to disappoint him, but I didn’t know any other way to proceed.
I looked up into his gorgeous eyes and fought back tears. It was so hard to deny this beautiful creature what he wanted, but I had to. I had to make the journey of being a wife to being available intelligently. My marriage to Bradley was still intact, until we both signed the paperwork. I couldn’t enter Thomas’s life with the stench of Bradley on me. It wouldn’t be fair.
“Thomas. I’m not sure we should,” I didn’t know how to explain my decision to him since his eyes conveyed such longing. Finally, a tiny, tragic smile appeared and he nodded his head like he understood. Why was he being so nice and making this easy for me? It made me want him all the more.
“I think I get it. But, Phoenix. Tell me. Are we still friends? I mean, can we still continue being friends, I don’t think I could just stop being a part of your life.” And there he went, he just made this harder.
“Of course, Thomas. Friends. But, let’s just give each other some space until I get this divorce thing settled.” I knew it was me who needed the space more than Thomas. He dropped his eyes to the ground and began to peel the stockings off his forearms. He looked up at me with his doe eyes and it took all my power not to embrace him, and his next request was exactly what I wanted, but not what I needed.
“I’ve wanted to kiss you for awhile now. Would it be too much to ask if you gave me that treat tonight?” He smiled expectantly. I bit my lip in response, no, I couldn’t do that. The rational side of my brain knew it was a bad idea. I wondered often what his mouth would taste like and feel like against my lips. My body warmed up again and I shook my head, denying his request. Head won over heart.
“That would be a
really
bad idea right now,” I whispered.
“Okay, um, how about a hug between friends?” I conceded and fell into his arms. I rested the left side of my face against his hard chest. The warmth emanated from him and calmed me. I allowed myself to encircle his back and I squeezed him tight. Thomas responded in turn with additional pressure on his hold on my hips and back. He moaned with contentment and I savored the moment.
I wasn’t sure who let go first, but it was probably me. I felt like home in his warm embrace, and it tore me up to let him go that night. I drove away with the realization that our lives would only be connected by our mutual friendship for each other. Driving to
Spring Valley, I cried so intensely, feeling like I missed my chance with Thomas; embarrassed to death of Bradley. Rachel’s visit marked a point where I felt like I was in the eye of the storm. Now, things were adrift again. My life was being propelled into the air in a thousand different directions. I prayed for the storm to be over, so I could feel like myself again. I wanted to find all the pieces and rebuild. I tried too soon to clean up and now I was being punished with the tail end of the typhoon causing chaos in my world, yet again.
Chapter 11
Karaoke Therapy
It was hard to forecast my life when the wind whipped debris all around me. I needed to anchor onto something so I wouldn’t get swept up in the man drama. Rachel agreed that I should focus on two things: myself and my work. I was on a ship alone in the night, bouncing around in the choppy ocean water, with a beacon of light ahead. That was Thomas. But the vast space between us made refuge from the storm hard to envision.
Thomas gave me space that weekend. I headed back to the condo after Ty confirmed he took Bradley to the airport. My home minus my soon to be ex helped me breathe again.
As expected, the house was a disaster area and I spent the week cleaning his caveman carnage. It reminded me of the funk I was in after our break up, when it took energy just to get dressed. I pitied him for a tiny second.
Bradley was the highest speed bump ever erected, impeding my journey to self-discovery, self-recovery and self-satisfaction. I took comfort in the fact that I had two months to enjoy my home.
Bradley tried to visit me once after the karaoke scene. His mission was aborted when Uncle Tony dictated to him how the next two months would play out. Under duress, Bradley half-heartedly agreed to sign the divorce docs before Christmas. An angry retired Marine Colonel who could render you unconscious with his
men who stare at goats
skill would make me yield too.
Ty packed Bradley’s things into boxes expertly. The boxes collected in the dining room like a Tetris game I wasn’t enjoying. I continued my search for a new home. My parents begged me to fly to Guam, but I wanted a life in California, I dared to dream about graduate school or owning a business.
Bradley had already secured a renter for the property for the New Year. This was progress. I didn’t ask him where he would be moving.
Northern California,
I hoped
. Without me,
I knew
.
I was preoccupied with getting the condo cleaned and requesting extra work from The Lure Company, that I didn’t realize it had been a full week before Thomas made contact. I wondered if he was writing or working during our break, but I had time to debug my mind.
I prepared for a day of bank evaluations, a crew run as we called it in the business. Bruce didn’t think less of me despite the sleazy talk show brawl he saw. Naturally, I asked Bruce to keep me off Bag It duty.
Thomas’s text was a welcome distraction. It read,
Hope you are doing well, Sirena. I have missed my friend. I’ve been busy with my screenplay with a trove of inspiration to draw from. Please open your door and find the treasure by your orchids. T.P.R.
A thousand ants marched up my spine and I raced for the door. Thomas was great at surprising me, something Bradley didn’t master. I grabbed my purse and work folder, slipped on my boots and hustled downstairs. The purple orchid plant in a brown glazed pot served the purpose of reminding me of Guam, my mom specifically. I knelt and found a plain brown paper bag tucked behind it. I expected food, being hungry, but no savory smells wafted from the bag. I surveyed the parking lot, thinking that he might hang around to see my reaction. I did my Ms. America smile and wave for good measure.
In the bag was a bouquet of nearly fifty Hello Kitty pens and pencils. They were wrapped with crunchy pink and purple tissue paper, clear cellophane and an explosion of curly white ribbon. A myriad of tiny plastic Hello Kitty faces looked up at me. I was a kid in a toy store. Thomas might have borrowed the idea from Nora Ephron, but I was still grateful.
I decided to take my lunch at Bag It, since it was in the vicinity of the credit unions and banks I evaluated. Really, I was compelled to see Thomas. He baited me with Hello Kitty after all.
Bag It was packed as expected. I pulled a yellow Hello Kitty pen out of my bouquet and I wrote a thank you note to Thomas. It was nice that I could patronize the shop without having to work it.
Thomas’s text and gift that morning fanned the quiet flames in my heart. I wanted Thomas, but if something was worth waiting for—I wanted to do it right. I kept my note light and friendly.
Hey, Popeye, thanks for the excessive gift. I loved all 50 pieces. Should I call you Tom Hanks now? Hope you had a great week. Your friend, Sirena—I’ll take a Rock Lobster sub—extra onions, easy on the mayo--just a snack-- please. Chips and drink for real this time.
I folded the note and entered the shop. Scary Halloween décor greeted me inside. Someone was into zombies here.
I stood in line for ten long minutes and Thomas hadn’t noticed me yet.
Alma did. She smiled at me warmly and her eyes checked out my new black, non-designer boots. She looked back at Thomas, Tamara and a new kid working diligently on the sandwiches.
“Mufasa is in da’ house!”
Alma announced.
I chuckled, but ducked behind two muscular Navy Chiefs. It was fun to see Thomas smile and glance at the line every so often.
I wore my professional attire that day, dark gray wool bootleg pants and a fitted, blush colored long sleeved blouse. I proudly wore my gold Guam Seal pendant, but made a note to discontinue doing that because several bank tellers commented on it and asked me about Guam or shared stories of someone they knew from there. I kept my hair in a loose ponytail and curled the ends. I missed my natural curls, now working hard with a curling iron for the first time.
Within reach of the counter, Thomas whispered something to Tamara who glanced up at me. She smiled, almost looking like Thomas for a second and took over completing the sub he left abandoned. He threw his disposable gloves in the trash bin and skipped over to the counter. Before he could speak, I placed the handwritten note on the counter and slid it to him. I brought my finger to my glossy lips and gestured for Thomas to keep quiet. He cracked a crooked smile and placed the note in his back pocket. Alma, all the while watched us amused, like we were elementary kids.
Check yes or no.
Thomas had promised that he would be the only one to ever make my sandwiches from then on and Cohle shrugged his shoulders when Thomas sent him back to the prep counter.
“Your name, ma’am?” His voice warmed me like an old blanket.
“My name is Kelly, my order is on that note.” I said. Thomas chuckled and wrote my name for the day on an order slip. I joined the long line of hungry patrons. I hoped Thomas wouldn’t try to have my sub hop the line. I didn’t want to take time away from those serving our country because I was playing proverbial footsy with my buddy.
With brown bag and the baked chips in hand, Thomas approached the counter.
Alma placed a cup of lemonade beside the order.
“Kelly Clarkson. Sub for Kelly?” Thomas said it loud and proud. As expected, all patrons looked around. It was easy to pluck out the few women at The Great Wall of Hunger. All eyes zeroed in on me, the civilian. I smiled brightly, passed Thomas a five dollar tip in addition to my payment, and grabbed my food.
“See you next week!” I teased.
For the next several weeks, I stopped by the shop every Monday. It was the same routine, passing of notes from me with the humorous name for the week. Thomas would squirm when he called out “Rose Bush” or “Ella Vader” or my personal favorite, “Emma Royds.”
Thomas and I didn’t get to sit and chat, but we at least we got to see each other. My sandwiches grew larger, packed with extras. Thomas placed his own silly,
just friend's
notes in my brown bag, never asking about whether my divorce was finalized or not, much to my relief.
Angelica and I blew off steam on Friday nights at
Pass the Mic.
I knew that Thomas and his staff usually went on Sundays, so there was no chance of running into him there. I kept my Friday night escapade to myself. Rachel was on strict orders not divulge my whereabouts to Thomas anymore.
Ty and Angelica began dating, so it was understandable that he would join us on one or two or all of our Friday karaoke nights. I didn’t, however, expect to see Tano.
Ty and Tano had become fast buddies, fused together by Bradley’s blow out several weeks ago. The fact that they were islander boys didn’t hurt.