Secret Lives (49 page)

She looked at Michael. He had Matthew Riley's
warm brown eyes, she was certain of it. “I miss you,” she said. “I
miss my house and the ocean and L.A.”

“Everybody misses you, Eden. Everybody's
worried sick about you. Come home, please. I'll help you with the
film.” He drew away from her as Nina returned to the table.

“All set,” Nina said. “We're out of
here.”

Eden stood up. “I'll do the film, Nina,” she
said. “Tell Crispin to find something else to sink his fangs
into.”

“Hurray!” Nina said, too loudly, and some of
the diners looked up from their tables and stared.

Michael walked her to her car. “Take this.”
He handed her the manila folder through the window. “Read it when
you start losing perspective.”

She set it next to her on the seat and looked
up at him.

“If I call you tomorrow, will you speak to
me?” he asked.

“Yes.”

He squeezed her shoulder, then let her
go.

The house was quiet when she reached Lynch
Hollow. She forced herself to calmly turn on the kitchen light,
calmly set her purse and the folder on the table. “Ben?”

“In here.”

He was in the living room working on a broken
table lamp Kyle had been trying to repair. He looked up when she
walked into the room. “How'd it go?”

“All right. Is Cassie asleep?”

“Yeah, just. After two stories, five glasses
of water, and three kisses. Manipulative kid you've got there.”

“I'll go check on her.”

“Why don't you tell me what happened with
Michael and Nina first?” He patted the sofa next to him.

“I'll be back in a second.”

She felt breathless, nauseated, as she sat on
the edge of Cassie's bed. She watched her sleep in the light from
the hallway until she could stand it no longer. “Cassie?” She shook
her shoulder.

Cassie rolled onto her back and opened her
eyes.

“Hi, baby,” Eden said.

“You're supposed to be out.”

“I just got home. Did you have fun
tonight?”

Cassie closed her eyes again and nodded and
within seconds had fallen back to sleep. Eden lowered the sheet and
studied Cassie's yellow shorty pajamas and long brown legs. What
was she looking for? A mark? A clue? She covered her daughter again
and walked downstairs.

Ben was in the kitchen. He stood above the
table, leafing through the articles Michael had given her. He
looked up at her, his eyes very gray, very cool.

“You woke her up,” he said.

“Yes.”

“Did you check her over real carefully, Eden?
Because we child molesters are pretty sneaky. We know how to cover
our tracks.”

“Don't talk that way, Ben, please.”

“Looks like you've got your reading cut out
for you.” He nodded toward the articles.

She shivered. “I'm mixed up, Ben. I don't
know what to do. I love you, but…”

“But what? Let me finish your sentence, all
right? I love you, Ben, but I can't take the chance that you just
might be guilty after all.” He stepped closer to her. “I could
handle it if you said you loved me, but Wayne would get Cassie if
you stayed with me. Or even, you love me, but it would ruin your
career if you stayed with me. But I can't take your suspicions. You
know me as well as I can let anyone know me and you're still not
convinced, are you?” He grabbed her shoulders. “Are you?”

“In my heart I am, Ben, but…”

He let go of her and walked to the door.
“I'll make it easy for you, Eden. It's over. That's what all this
is leading up to, anyway, isn't it? If not today, then tomorrow or
the next day. Because your suspicions are multiplying by the
minute. I know how it works. Once you start doubting me, there's
not a thing I can do or say that will make a difference.” He
reached for the door, then turned to face her again, and this time
his eyes were furious. “God damn you for trusting me as long as you
did.”

–
43–

She wanted to wait until morning to call him.
She moved through the house, through the rooms, like a sleepwalker,
watching the windows for the first hint of dawn. When it was still
black out she sat down on Lou and Kyle's bed and stared at the
phone. If Michael and Nina had not come, she and Ben would be in
this bed right now. Maybe sleeping, maybe not. But she would be
with him. She drew her knees up, hugging them with her arms. Her
stomach ached from uncertainty and doubt, from not knowing, never
being able to know, the truth about Ben. He had ended it last
night. He'd made the decision for her, but he was right. If she had
not found the strength to end their relationship last night, she
would have today or tomorrow. She had to. She could not allow
Cassie to be the victim of his past, or God forbid, his
present.

Was he able to sleep tonight? Or was he lying
awake wondering, as he used to, what he had to live for? Was he
thinking about the Valium?

She dialed the phone and clutched the
receiver as it rang at his end. Five rings. Ten. Maybe she'd
misdialed. She hung up, dialed again. If he didn't answer she would
put Cassie in the car and drive up there. She would—

“Hello.” His voice was flat and controlled.
He was wide awake and he knew who was calling.

“I just wanted to be sure you're all right.”
She braced herself for his sarcasm or his wrath.

“Thank you.” The sincerity in his voice
started her tears again and for a moment she couldn't speak.

“I'm sitting on Lou and Kyle's bed,” she said
finally. “I wish you could be here next to me.”

Another long silence stretched between them.
She could hear a radio playing softly at his end. The oldies
station, no doubt.

“You should call Wayne tomorrow,” Ben said.
“Save him the trouble of getting a lawyer.”

“Ben, I want to see you.”

“There's no point to it, Eden.”

She shut her eyes. “I love you but I can't
have you. Just like my mother.”

“What do you mean, like your mother?”

“Nothing. Ben, promise me you won't hurt
yourself.”

“If you think I'm so dishonest, why would you
think I'd keep a promise?”

“Ben…”

“Go back to bed, Eden.” He hung up, so
quietly that she thought he was still on the line, and it wasn't
until she heard the dial tone that she hung up herself.

Kyle and Lou returned the following day, and
she waited until they'd unpacked and settled in the living room
with the newspaper before telling them that she and Ben had split
up. They didn't seem surprised, and she guessed her swollen eyes
and red nose had given her away.

She sat down on the hassock near Lou's chair
and told them about the articles Michael had brought her. “I found
myself doubting him,” she said. “How could I justify having him
around Cassie if I'm not absolutely positive about him?”

Lou nodded. “I'm sorry, dear.”

“Is Ben all right?” Kyle asked.

“I'm worried about him,” she said.

Kyle looked at his watch. “I'll take a drive
up there in a bit and see how he's doing.”

Eden flattened her damp palms against her
thighs. “Cassie and I have reservations to go back to L.A. next
Monday,” she said. “We'll fly out of National.”

Lou glanced at Kyle, who was toying with the
lamp Ben had been working on. He turned the switch and light filled
the shade.

“Ben fixed it,” Eden said.

“I can see that,” said Kyle.

Eden licked her lips. “I've also decided to
go back to work on the film,” she said. “Only I'm going to leave it
with Matt Riley as my father.”

Kyle switched the lamp off and turned it
upside down to study the base.

“Well,” Lou said. “You've made a lot of
decisions this weekend.”

Kyle set the lamp back on the table and stood
up. “Need anything from the kitchen, Lou?” he asked.

“Kyle,” Eden said, and this time her voice
shook. “Since I'm working on the screenplay again, could I please
see the next notebook?”

Kyle frowned at her. “Why bother when you can
just make up the past to suit yourself?”

“Ky,” Lou chided.

“The journals are yours, Eden.” Kyle turned
his back on her as he headed for the kitchen.

For the rest of the day she felt alone
despite Cassie's constant entertainment and the phone calls from
Michael and Nina. Michael was saintly in his low-pressure support,
but Nina wanted her to make a statement to the press.

“You have to, Eden. It'll be short and
simple. He seduced you. You were vulnerable, being away from
Michael all those weeks. You fell for his charm, never knowing his
sordid, odious crime.”

“Nina, no,” she said. “I can't say any of
that.”

“You have no choice, kiddo. We have major
damage to undo.”

“I don't care.”

“Well, I care. And you will too as soon as
you get your head out of the clouds and start thinking like
yourself again. Even if you don't care about what this will do to
yourself, Eden, think of the Children's Fund.”

“I'm not the only person in the world who can
represent the Children's Fund.”

“Will you please think, Eden? You're being so
dense you're driving me crazy. The Children's Fund is already
suffering because of this. It's losing its support base. You know
how quickly something like that can happen. People start to think
that Eden Riley isn't the wonderful person they thought she was. If
she's capable of poor judgment in one area, she's capable of it in
others. She's probably embezzling the money she's taking in,
or—”

“Oh Nina, for heaven's sake, shut up. You're
getting carried away.”

“I am not. Look, I didn't want to tell you
this, but Sue Shepherd is fit to be tied. She said some of the
Fund's biggest contributors have already pulled out.”

Eden closed her eyes. “Isn't it enough that
I've broken up with him?”

“No, sweetie, it's not enough. We need a
statement.”

“Can't I at least say that I think he may be
innocent?” she asked.

“No, Eden. He was convicted. Besides, we have
to convince everyone you're over him.”

“Let me work on it awhile,” Eden said. She
needed a reprieve.

She called Ben that evening with the
intention of telling him about the statement. It would be all
right. After all, Ben himself had suggested she go to the press
after they'd first seen the tabloid. Still, she wanted to let him
know how public it would be, how sorry she was that she had to do
it. But he gave her no chance.

“Eden, don't call me, all right?” he said the
moment he heard her voice. “It makes it harder.” He told her he
wanted to bring the dollhouse over the following day but would do
it at a time when she was out, and she realized how serious he was
about not wanting to see her or speak to her. She was not being
fair. Calling him was selfish. Asking for his blessing on a
statement that was going to add to his grief was cruel, a way to
ease her guilt.

“Call when you want to come over,” she said.
“And I'll leave.”

When Nina called back, Eden read her the
statement. She had avoided the word “seduced” and any reference to
Michael Carey, but the statement was still ugly and self-serving.
And Nina wanted it uglier.

“You don't sound repulsed enough,” Nina
said.

Eden argued with her for another hour over
the wording, and then over the insertion of commas—anything to put
off the release of the statement.

“Okay,” Nina said. “Are we finally ready to
go on this?”

Eden was drained by the last hour, the last
few days. “I can't do this to him,” she said.

“This is self-defense, kiddo. It's either you
or him. Okay?”

Eden looked down at the handwritten statement
on her lap. It was not much, just a few blue scribbles on white
lined paper.

“Eden?”

“Okay.”

Her regret was immediate. She tried to call
Nina back the second she hung up the phone but the line was busy.
What had she done? She'd rushed into this, let herself be
coerced.

She sent Cassie down to dinner without her,
and an hour later Kyle knocked on her door. She sat up against the
headboard of her bed as he lowered himself into the rocker. He was
holding one of the notebooks.

“Cassie said you were crying,” he said.

“Have you seen Ben today?”

Kyle nodded. “He's mechanical. Withdrawn.
Doesn't want to talk.”

“I have to make a statement to the press
denouncing him. I'm going to betray him.” The tears threatened
again as she waited for Kyle to berate her. She wanted to be
scolded, but Kyle looked as though he hadn't heard her. He held the
notebook up.

“Just one more after this,” he said. Then he
sighed. “I wish you wouldn't leave so soon, Eden. I'm afraid it
will be like it was before, with us hardly ever getting to see
you.”

“I have to go, Kyle. I was crazy to think I
could live outside L.A. It's the only place I feel secure.”

“Like an animal in a zoo, huh? You know
someone will feed you and clean up after you and you never have to
worry about the real world outside your cage.” He stood up and put
the notebook on her bed. “But it's a cage just the same, Eden.”

She didn't read the journal that night, and
once again she slept poorly. In the morning Lou returned from town
with muffins and the Washington Post. The statement was in the
Style section, and in black and white it took on a disturbing
credibility. No one would doubt her sincerity. No one would doubt
Ben's devious nature and irrefutable guilt. Eden read the statement
twice and went into the bathroom to throw up.

She walked to the site later that morning.
Ben was crouched in the third pit, dusting the earth. He looked up
as she neared him but lowered his eyes again quickly.

“Leave me alone, Eden,” he said.

“You saw the paper?”

He sat back on his heels and looked up at her
again. “I went into Miller's Bakery this morning and Sara Jane
Miller wouldn't sell me a doughnut. 'We reserve the right to refuse
to serve scum,' she said. 'How could you deceive a sweet girl like
Eden Riley?' she said.”