Second Thoughts (17 page)

Nothing could have prepared her for the moment when she caught sight of Sara seated in the back row. Her heart accelerated so fast she thought she might faint. Instinctively, she clung to Scott’s arm as if it was a life-jacket.

Sara slowly twisted her head around, a glazed look of despair giving way to a smile of approval and a small nod of her head. Melissa’s heart ached knowing the gesture was Sara’s way of letting her know she was happy for her. She swallowed the lump in her throat, fighting back her tears.
Mum, Dad, if you can hear me please help me get through this
.
Please tell me I’m not making a mistake.

As if sensing her apprehension Scott squeezed her hand reassuringly. As they passed the back row, she fought the urge to look back at Sara one last time. Instead, she swallowed hard, boldly lifted her chin and moved forward with purpose.

Bettina turned as they neared the altar; the beginning of a smile tipping the corner of her mouth. Scott released Melissa’s arm and she took a step forward to join Bettina.

Bettina reached out and took her hand in her own. A sense of strength came to Melissa and her previous despair lessened in its ferocity.

The priest smiled at the women. “
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together here today in the sight of God...”

Melissa took a breath and looked into Bettina’s eyes as the priest continued; she had never seen her look so radiant. She bit her lip to stifle a grin as tears welled in Bettina’s eyes. It was a private joke between them as Bettina had sworn blind she wouldn’t cry on the day.

The priest cleared his throat. “
If any person can show just cause why they may not lawfully be joined together, let them now speak, or else hereafter forever hold their peace.”

The church was silent for a few seconds. As the priest said the final words, Melissa turned her head and glanced up the aisle, briefly catching sight of Sara as she slipped through the door.

***

This is meant to be the happiest day of your life
, Melissa reminded herself as she walked hand in hand with Bettina into the oak-panelled reception room. She glanced around at all the faces smiling at them and felt like the biggest fraud known to mankind.

In a trance-like state she kissed cheeks, exchanged hugs and nodded at the appropriate moments when people spoke to her.

Melissa scanned the room looking for Sara but she was nowhere to be seen. She finally spotted Faye sitting alone at a table, looking totally uncomfortable in her pink bridesmaid dress.

Faye rose to her feet and frowned down at her dress. “I can’t believe you made me wear this. I want you to Photoshop me out of any pictures you put on Facebook. I don’t want the whole world to see me looking like this.”

Melissa laughed. “Pink suits you. In fact, I think you should wear dresses more often. The feminine side of you looks great.”

Faye groaned. “Yeah, whatever. I bet Bettina chose this dress just to spite me.”

“Faye, you’ve got to let go of this conspiracy theory that Bettina’s out to get you.”

“I know what I know.”

Melissa rolled her eyes. She wasn’t about to have another sparring match with Faye at her wedding reception. “Okay, whatever you say.” She raised her eyebrows inquiringly. “Where’s Chrissy and Sara?”

“Chrissy’s in the loo and Sara...” She shrugged. “It was too much for her so she left. I’m driving her up to her parents’ on Monday then she’s going back to the States on Tuesday.”

Melissa made a noncommittal sound. “It’s for the best.”

“Yeah, if you say so.” She raised her glass and spoke in a low detached voice. “I hope you’ll be happy forever and a day.”

“Don’t get drunk, Faye.”

“Don’t worry I’m not going to spoil your big day.”

“I didn’t mean...”

“I know you didn’t. I don’t think Bettina will look too kindly on me if I show myself up.”

She shook her head affirmatively. “No, I don’t think she will. Anyway I’d better do the rounds; I’ll see you in a bit.”

As she walked off to mingle with their guests she was grateful that Sara wasn’t there. She needed to remain focused on the woman she had made her vows to
.

“Well Mrs Hajredini, how does it feel now I’ve made an honest woman of you?” Bettina laughed as they walked through the door to their home, now a married couple.

“Yeah, great. Yourself?”

“Amazing, brilliant, I’ve never been so happy in all of my life.” She slipped off her shoes and danced along the hall to imaginary music. “And I know things are going to get better,” Bettina said dragging Melissa into the dance with her.

She stopped abruptly, pulled Melissa to her and smiled suggestively. “Let’s go upstairs.”

“I need to unwind first.”

“That’s exactly what we’re going to do. I thought we’d consummate our marriage.”

Melissa laughed. “I thought sex was supposed to go downhill once you were married, not get more adventurous.”

“Well we’re going to defy those odds. Come on, I’ll race you upstairs.”

Melissa remained standing at the foot of the stairs. “Let’s open a bottle of bubbly first? I’m still feeling a bit stressed if I’m honest. My jaw is aching from talking so much.”

“Okay, you grab a bottle and meet me upstairs.”

“I was thinking more along the lines of drinking it in the garden; we could light a fire and look up at the stars. It’s a beautiful clear night.”

“If that’s what you want who am I to disappoint? I’ll change and grab a couple of blankets. I’ll see you outside in a bit.”

“Okay,” Melissa said. She walked into the kitchen, grabbed a bottle of champagne from the fridge and two glasses and went out into the garden with them. Within minutes she had started a log fire in the wood burner and was sat back in a garden recliner sipping on her drink.

So she’d done it. She was now married and it wasn’t as bad as she thought it was going to be. Feelings of guilt and regret were in the distant past and now she was looking forward to the future. Maybe they could find some baby naming books on Amazon and go through them until they found a name they both agreed on. It would be good to be on the same team again where they were working towards a common goal – motherhood.

She heard Bettina’s footsteps on the decking. “You’d have been a great fire maker back in the cave man era,” she joked as she handed her a fleece blanket and took a seat next to her.

“I don’t know about that. I don’t think they had firelighters and matches back then.”

Bettina laughed. “Yeah, you’re right.” She reclined her chair and looked up at the star-filled sky. “This is just so perfect, Melissa.”

“Yes, yes it is.” It felt so good to have finally made a decision and now sitting there with Bettina, she was sure it was the right one.

“What were you thinking about?” Bettina asked as she reached over and took a glass of champagne from the table.

Melissa looked down at her glass and hadn’t even realised she’d drank the contents. She refilled it and turned to look at Bettina. “Our day and how beautiful you looked.”

Bettina smiled. “If it wasn’t me you were marrying today, I would have been so jealous of the person lucky enough to have you. You literally took my breath away when I saw you coming down the aisle.”

Melissa suddenly giggled. “Oh, look at us acting like a newlywed couple,” she joked. Things had been so good between them before Sara had arrived back on the scene. They could easily go back to the way they were.

“I hope we stay this way forever and ever and you make my knees go weak even when I’m an old woman,” Bettina said taking a slow slip of her drink.

“If you live that long, the only thing making your knees go weak will be arthritis.”

Bettina playfully slapped Melissa’s shoulder. “Gosh, you’re so romantic aren’t you?”

Melissa cocked her head. “Don’t you always tell me I’m a realist?”

Bettina leaned over, holding her face inches from Melissa’s. “Well take a day off. Tonight; I want you to have your head in the clouds like me.”

“Okay.” She kissed Bettina lingeringly on the lips. “I like being this high with you.”

Bettina drew her head back a little. “Do you think anyone would notice if we did the deed under the blanket?”

“I doubt it and if they did and they were offended, it would serve them right for looking.” Melissa chuckled.

“I think I like this marriage lark very much Mrs Hajredini,” Bettina said wriggling out of her trousers.

“Me too.”

Melissa closed her eyes and gave in to the moment, pushing all thoughts of Sara aside. They had survived this long on the love they had for each other, so why did she ever think that she needed more?

Melissa spread a spoonful of crème fraîche over the potato rosti she had just fried and laid a piece of fresh smoked salmon on top with a dash of dill.
Perfect
. After last night’s love making she felt closer to Bettina than she had in a long time.

She walked up the stairs to a sleeping Bettina and rested the tray of food on the bedside table. Bending over, she kissed her earlobe and whispered. “Wakey wakey, sweetheart.”

A smile spread on Bettina’s lips. “Mmmm, something smells good.”

“It’s your favourite. I’ll go and get our coffees and join you in a minute.”

“Naked I hope.”

“Of course. I think you still owe me one from last night.”

“No, I think you owe me one. If I’m right the score was three two to you.”

“Hmm, I’ll have to think about that. I know what a cheat you can be,” Melissa said laughing as she left the room.

Whistling as she ran down the stairs and into the kitchen Melissa felt as if she was on cloud nine. She didn’t have to be on a fancy honeymoon in the Maldives or the Bahamas to be happy. She was content with where they were.

Hearing her phone vibrate on the kitchen worktop she considered ignoring it, but thought better of it in case it was Eli. She had seemed a bit off last night, even standoffish with Scott, which she had never seen before. As much as Melissa had tried to find out about their break-up, Eli would not tell her.

Melissa crossed the room and flipped the phone open. It was a message from Faye.

Sara’s ticket is booked

She said to say goodbye

Xxxx

Melissa’s heart lurched against her chest. She really wasn’t going to see Sara again. The thought of it immediately dampened her spirits. She knew it was foolish to feel like this, especially now. Tomorrow, Bettina would be taking a step that was going to alter their lives forever. They were going to change from being a married couple to a family of three.

“Where’s my coffee, love slave?” she heard Bettina calling down.

Melissa flipped the phone closed and poured water into the two mugs. What she was feeling wasn’t real, she reminded herself, as her thoughts returned to making love to Bettina the previous night. She had been in the moment with her and Sara hadn’t entered her mind once.
Only because you consciously wouldn’t let her.
So what if that was the truth. With practise controlling her thoughts would only get easier and it wouldn’t be long before she could put Sara out of her mind for good.

She placed the mugs on a tray and headed back up the stairs. As hard as she tried she couldn’t get the text out of her mind.
Her ticket is booked.

Bettina was propped up on her elbow, forking the food into her mouth. As Melissa walked in she looked up at her. “Are you okay, baby?”

“Never better.”

“Are you sure, you look a bit peaky.”

“I think last night is catching up on me. I’ll have a nap on the sofa.”

“Really? What happened to our morning tryst?”

“I don’t think I have the energy.”
Mentally or physically.

“Okay. I’ll come and join you in a minute; maybe I can change your mind.”

In an instant she thought of Sara and doubted it very much.

Melissa couldn’t understand, why, on one of the most important days of their lives, she was thinking about a woman other than her now wife. She should have been drinking in every second of their child being conceived. She watched with detachment as the doctor helped Bettina put her legs into the stirrups.
What is Sara doing?
The nurse wheeled over the station to the side of the bed.
Will she meet someone else now I’ve rejected her?
The doctor told Bettina to relax.
Will she love someone else as much as she loved me?

Melissa suddenly felt claustrophobic in the small confines of the windowless room. A wave of heat crept up her neck, the palms of her hands slippery with sweat.

“No!” The word fell out of her mouth before she could stop it.

Both the doctor and Bettina snapped their heads towards her.

She clasped her hand to her mouth. “Sorry, I’m so sorry.”

“Are you okay sweetheart?”

“Bettina, I don’t think I can do this. I’m sorry.” She thought she was ready for all of this: the wedding, the baby, the commitment. But now the very thought of it terrified her. How could so much happen in a week?

The walls closing in on her, she abruptly jumped to her feet and ran from the room like a gust of wind, the muscles in her legs fired with adrenaline making her move faster than she had thought possible.
I need to get out of here, I need to get out
! She slipped as she rounded a corner, narrowly avoiding a collision with a small child. “Sorry,” she called out breathlessly as she ran on, the child looking after her with huge shocked eyes.

Blood pounded in her head as she frantically looked for an exit sign, her mind was so muddled she couldn’t remember the route they had taken when they’d first arrived. Suddenly she saw an “Emergency exit” that signalled her much needed escape. She raced towards it, brushing past nurses as they stood chatting idly to one another. As she stepped out of the building a whoosh of air filled her lungs.
I’m going to be alright.
She walked unsteadily along the side of the building taking deep and measured breaths until her legs stopped feeling like jelly.