Seasons of the Heart (32 page)

“Well, as I started to explain, things just aren’t going the way we had hoped. It’s so complicated, I can’t really get into it, but we have a terrible engineering problem with the Fashion Island complex in Florida.”

“How long do you think you’ll stay?”

“I really don’t know, honey. I’m going to have to fly to Florida tomorrow.”

“Okay. Where can I get in touch with you if the canary should die?”

“I don’t know, honey. I’ll call you as soon as I get a hotel there.”

If Phillip had been home to speak to Ann, he would have felt even less guilty about his date with Linda than he did. As it was, he was careful to keep the conversation with Linda on neutral topics. But at the end of the evening, both knew that some barrier had been broken. When he asked her for the next night, she nodded.

After that, they spent all their time together. Phillip told her she made him happier than he had ever been in his life. On Linda’s last night at Tahoe, he said, “Let’s go to Rusty’s and hear the country and western singer they have there.”

When the two of them were seated in the bar, sipping bourbon and listening to a Glen Campbell song, he reached over and took her hand. “Linda, I want to go on seeing you.”

“What do you mean, Phillip?”

“I think I love you, Linda.”

“But you’re married,” she said sadly.

Unconsciously, he must have been preparing for this moment, for he said without pause, “I’m not planning to stay married.”

“How long have you felt this way?”

“Truthfully? Since I met you.”

“I don’t want to take that responsibility, Phillip.”

“You don’t understand. My wife is an extraordinary woman, whom I admire greatly. But our marriage hasn’t been a good one for a very long time. She and I have stayed married for all the wrong reasons, Linda. You have given me more happiness this week than Ann has in twenty-five years. But—maybe I’m assuming too much. Do you care about me?”

When she looked up, her eyes were filled with tears. “After I lost Richard, I just couldn’t imagine ever wanting anybody again. I’ve been a widow for ten years, and you’re the first man who has really interested me. But are you sure you’re ready to break up your marriage, Phillip? What about your daughter? How do you think she’ll react?” There was a slight edge of fear in her voice.

“Evie will love you. She’s going off to college; she’s old enough to understand these things. Although we have never spoken about it, she knows that I haven’t been happy with her mother. The important thing, Linda, is how I feel about you.”

“Oh, Phillip, I can’t believe that this is happening. I’ve been falling in love all week and trying not to admit it.”

Phillip stood up and drew her into his arms. Oblivious to the amused glances of the other customers at the bar, he kissed her deeply and passionately.

“Let’s get out of here,” he said urgently.

When they got to her hotel room, Phillip asked room service for a bottle of champagne. For one brief moment he was reminded of his honeymoon. Then he fiercely dismissed all thoughts of Ann. This was his night and he refused to let her intrude.

He pulled Linda close and kissed her again. “I love you, Linda.”

“I love you, too, Phillip. I never thought I would say that to someone other than Richard.”

He turned off the lamp, so that the room was dark except for the moonlight shining in from the balcony.

They stood clinging to each other, then Phillip reached around and gently drew down the zipper of her dress. Picking her up, he carried her to the bed.

He had never known such happiness. He took her over and over again, and afterward they fell asleep in each others’ arms.

When they woke the next morning, he felt as if they had been together always. He had told Evie he’d an appointment in town before he’d left the evening before, so he didn’t have to rush to get back to her.

He ordered room service so that he and Linda could have more time alone. Reaching across the breakfast table, he took her hand. “Darling, do you really have to go home today?”

“Unfortunately, yes.”

“What am I going to do without you?”

“You’re going to have to take a lot of cold showers,” she said teasingly.

“They won’t do any good.”

They spent the rest of the day in bed. When it was time for her to drive back, Phillip walked her downstairs.

“I’ll call you later tonight,” he promised.

Phillip waited patiently for the vacation to end so that he could return to San Francisco and Linda. Meanwhile, he concentrated on showing Evie a good time. They swam in a nearby pool and boated, and after Pamela went home he took Evie out for dinner. But no matter where he was, he called Linda several times a day. He tried hard not to think about Ann, and was relieved rather than angry when she called to say she would have to meet them back in San Francisco. She couldn’t leave Florida any sooner.

Phillip’s first night back he told Evie he had to catch up at the office. He left the house and drove directly to Linda’s apartment. As he held Linda in his arms, he said, “Darling, as soon as Ann returns, I’m going to tell her that we’ve fallen in love and that I want a divorce.”

Linda was at a loss for words. Of course, she was happy, but she couldn’t help feeling sorry for Ann—and just a little guilty.

“Would you consider living with me? I’ll rent an apartment,” he asked.

“Phillip, sweetheart, of course I will. But what’s wrong with my place? I’ve never shared it with anyone else….”

In answer, Phillip took her in his arms.

The next night he and Evie picked Ann up at the airport. Seeing her again was more painful than he had expected, and he was happy that in the bustle of getting Evie ready for college they had no time to talk. But once they’d driven her over to Berkeley and seen her settled in, Phillip knew he couldn’t postpone confronting her any longer.

Glancing over at her on the drive home, he became conscience-stricken. She really didn’t deserve this. Ann took his silence as anger at her long absence and tried to be particularly affectionate. Adam had sent a partner to the Florida meeting, so at least she had not been tempted by his presence there. When she finally got back, home had never seemed so precious. After the strain and anxiety of the last few weeks, it was a safe, tranquil harbor.

They reached the house and after parking the car, Phillip went into the study and fixed them each a martini. Ann sat down on the sofa, took a long sip, and sighed contentedly.

“You know, Phillip, this last trip has made me realize that I don’t want to be involved in any more of these syndications. They’re too stressful and time-consuming. I’d much rather have the time to spend with you and Evie. There’s so much we haven’t done together. I was thinking maybe we could take a cruise. Maybe to Mexico. How would you like that?”

Phillip stared at her. From the tone of her voice, he could almost believe that she meant it this time. But it was too late.

“Why are you looking at me like that, Phillip?” she asked as if divining his thoughts.

“I guess I was thinking about the strange paradoxes in people’s fives.”

“What are you trying to say?” Ann said, suddenly frightened.

“In the past, Ann, I’d have done anything if you had made such a commitment. But for too long a time now, you’ve had no time for me or Evie.”

“And now?”

“And now I think it’s too late.”

A strange tightness began to grow in her chest. “Late for what, Phillip?”

“Well, when people aren’t happy with each other, they … separate.”

Ann couldn’t believe what she was hearing. “You mean get a divorce?”

“Yes—unfortunately—I think it’s the only way. I just can’t continue our charade of being a happy couple. Evie’s off at school and it just isn’t fair to either of us to stay together any longer.”

“But, Phillip—”

He continued as if she hadn’t spoken. “You’re still an attractive woman, Ann. I know that there’s someone out there for you who will really make you happy. I don’t. I never really did.”

“I’ve never complained!”

“Not in so many words … but I’ve never made much of a contribution to your life. We both know that.”

“That’s not true! You’ve given me emotional security all these years. We’ve had a good marriage….”

“But not love, Ann! Love is about sharing. Sure, we get along, but the reason we don’t fight anymore is that there’s just nothing left between us.”

“Phillip,” she asked slowly, “are you seeing someone else?”

He didn’t want to hurt her, but there was no other way. “Yes, I am.

“How long have you been seeing her?”

“Two weeks.”

“Two weeks? And you’re planning to divorce me. Do you plan to marry her?”

“Yes.”

“Phillip—you’re leaving me for someone you’ve only known two weeks!”

“It isn’t a question of time, Ann! It doesn’t matter how long you’ve known someone if the chemistry is right.”

“I can’t believe it. How can you do this to me, Phillip! Replace me, just like that!”

“Frankly, I wouldn’t have believed that this could happen to me, either. But whether you’re aware of it or not, I’ve been terribly lonely, and loneliness makes people vulnerable.”

“I’m sorry you feel that way. I did the best I could.”

“Ann, I’m not blaming you for anything. I admire you, but I need something more.”

“Are you really in love with this woman?”

“Yes, I really am.”

She had asked the question, but she wasn’t prepared for the answer. Even though Phillip had said he’d found someone else, she couldn’t believe that he actually meant it.

“I haven’t been oblivious to our problems, Phillip. But I just didn’t know how to solve them. And I did ask you to come into business with me. Isn’t that true?”

“Yes. But I couldn’t and keep my self-respect. Other men might have made a success of it, but I don’t have a hell of a lot of self-esteem, Ann, and the little I have left would have been destroyed if I had accepted your offer.”

“Are you saying that I deliberately put you down?”

“No, of course not. Let’s not blame each other. But the truth of the matter is that I can’t live in your shadow any longer.”

Ann put down her drink and looked hard at her husband.
My God—he really means it.
She had always been the one to apologize, to justify her decisions, to promise to change—and she had always been able to bring him around to her point of view. But now there was an unmistakable ring of finality in his voice.

There was no point in begging. Ann got up and went down the hall to her bedroom, where she burst into sobs.

Listening to her weep, Phillip was overcome with pity. He followed her to her room and sat down next to her on the bed.

“Please don’t cry, Ann. I know this is a very difficult time for both of us, but please try and be brave.”

“I just don’t have any pride where you’re concerned, Phillip. I love you. The thought of losing you just hurts too much. I know I haven’t given you the attention I should have, but I need you. And I think you need me.”

She clung to him, burying her head against his chest. “Just knowing that you were always in my life, that you were always there, made me feel safe. I love you, Phillip, I truly do!”

“I know, Ann. But we’re just not right for each other.”

“Don’t you think we could try again?”

He looked at her slender body, racked with sobs, and almost wavered. Then he reminded himself that nothing would really change. “I don’t think so, Ann.”

Nearly hysterical, she pushed him away. He went to the bathroom, got a washcloth, and then came back and gently wiped her face. “Come on, dear. Let me help you get into bed.”

“Are you leaving tonight?”

“I think it’s best that I do.”

She put her arms around him and wept, but more quietly. “I do love you, Phillip. I do….”

Gently, he released himself from her arms. “Try to get some rest. I’ll speak to you tomorrow.”

On the way to the car, he knocked on Consuela’s door. When she opened it, Phillip said, “I’m going away for a little while. Mrs. Coulter is upstairs in her bedroom and she isn’t feeling very well. I’d like you to look in on her.”

Consuela nodded, understanding without being told. “Yes, I’ll do that. And … God bless you, Mr. Coulter.”

A
NN DIDN’T SHUT HER
eyes that night. She paced the floor endlessly, smoking cigarette after cigarette. Toward two, Consuela brought her some warm milk and brandy, but there was such a lump in her throat that she couldn’t swallow. For the first time in over twenty-five years, she was completely alone. The devastation she felt after her mother’s death came back to haunt her. And how could Phillip have left her the very day Evie went to college?

She looked at her lovely bedroom with a feeling akin to loathing. What did it matter, the beauty of this house? Without the people she loved, it was nothing but an empty shell. Worse, it was a symbol of the security and affluence she had toiled for all these years. Well, now it was hers. But what security was there in a world that didn’t contain Phillip.

“Phillip, darling,” she moaned. “How could you? How could you?” She needed desperately to talk with someone. Evie? But it would be unthinkable to ruin Evie’s first venture into the world. With a faint leap of hope, Ann considered the possibility that Phillip would suddenly come to his senses. Evie would never have to know. And Phillip had met this woman only weeks ago—that was really no time at all. Perhaps it was merely a physical infatuation…. But the image of him in bed with another woman twisted her heart.

Ann tried to think logically. She must wait, and hope that the affair would simply run its course. Lots of men went through midlife crisis, had affairs, and then came home to their wives. But then she remembered the unfamiliar look of resolve on Phillip’s face, the calm determination in his voice, when he spoke of this woman whom he said he loved.

I’ve got to find someone to talk with
.

When Phillip had been in the Pacific, she at least had Ruthie, but it had been years since they had been really close, though their children saw one another frequently and the Newmans’ younger son, Peter, had been like a big brother to Evie.