Searching for Beautiful (27 page)

It’s amazing sometimes how much easier things are if someone takes the choice out of your hands. I’m sixteen. I don’t want to worry about the big stuff. I have time for that later.

Right now, I just want to be young and have fun.

And I know one day, she’ll be able to be her own voice.

“That’s understandable…being scared. I think you’re being a great mom, though.”

She cocks her head, her eyes wet. “But I’m giving her away. How does that make me a good mom?”

I think about my mom and dad and about the woman who gave me away. I don’t know anything about her. Never wanted to, but I know she did the right thing. I know I was meant to be a De Luca girl. Meant to dance with Mom and do pottery and hear her stories about love. Mom and Dad were my destiny, and the mother who birthed me made the best choice for me by giving
me
a chance to find
them
.

“Because you’re making a hard decision, one that people might not understand, but you’re doing it because you know it’s best for her. I think my mother would have said that’s what being a mom is about. That beautiful kind of love. Doing what’s right for someone else, even though it will hurt you.”

I gasp when Emery leans forward and pulls me into a tight hug. My arms wrap around her, embracing her back. We don’t talk for a few seconds, and them Emery pulls away. “Thank you,” she tells me.

I smile at her. “No problem.”

“No…not about that. Well yes, about that, but also about Max…for telling. I wouldn’t have had the guts to do it, but I know I needed to get away from him.”

It’s the most perfect thing she can say to me. I squeeze her hand, trying to show her how much those words mean to me. It’s so hard, not knowing if you’re doing the right thing. Not knowing where betrayal lies and just wanting the best for someone else. Right and wrong isn’t always clear. Or maybe it is, if we really take the time to look. From now on, I’m looking.

“I didn’t want to betray you, but I wanted you to be okay.”

“I am. Or I will be.” Before I can keep the conversation going, she adds, “What time are you leaving?”

I look at the clock beside my bed. “Christian should be here any minute. We’re meeting Kevin, Todd, Ellie, Diana, Ian, and his girlfriend for dinner and then heading over. I’m nervous. This is the first time I’ve done something with my friends in a long time.” We’ve been talking, but we’re kind of taking it slow. Tonight is a big night in more ways than one.

It will be the first time I’ve seen Ian outside of school since we talked, too. Clearing the air with him was something I felt I had to do. He was more hurt than I realized when things fell apart after Mom died. Ian and I were so back-and-forth and up-and-down, but what I didn’t know was that he’d sort of gotten used to that. I didn’t realize he cared more than he showed, and even though he’s the one who dumped me, he thought we’d get back together. It’s not that he loved me, but I was comfortable, and breaking up for good pulled him out of that zone he was used to.

There’s a soft knock on my door. Glancing to the right, I see Dad standing there. “Christian’s here.”

Emery nudges me and I stand. “You guys will be great,” she says.

Dad walks over and touches my hair. “You look beautiful,
dolcezza.
”

“Thanks, Daddy.”

“Your mother would have loved to see you right now.”

I close my eyes and could swear I feel her. Her sunshine on my skin and her smile in my heart. “She sees me,” I tell him and know it’s true.

“I think you’re right.”

Emery and I follow Dad out of my room. Christian is standing by the door in a black suit. His hair is loose around his face like always and those too-blue eyes are pinned right on me. My heart does a somersault.

“I told you he was gorgeous,” Emery whispers.

“He is,” I reply.

Dad takes a million pictures before asking Christian to come over for dinner the next night. That Dad and I are making sauce.

Christian and I drop Emery off at her house, where we make plans to meet up in a couple days. She’s going to come over and draw while I work on my pottery.

Afterward we head out with our other friends for dinner. The only interaction between Ian and me is a quiet hello but it’s something. It’s a start.

There are a couple awkward moments as we are all navigating friendship again, but there are more laughs, girl trips to the bathroom, and I can’t help but remember the last dance we all went to together. Where I cried in the bathroom because I thought I was in love with the boy who’s sitting at a table waiting for me right now.

We go to the dance and that same boy wraps his arms around me and we move together with much more skill than we did in seventh grade. He whispers in my ear again that I’m beautiful, and his sweet, sugary scent is so familiar.

It’s funny how life moves in a complete circle sometimes. There might be lots of bumps in the road and maybe even a few cliffs, but it’s a journey, and sometimes it can bring you to the most wonderful places.

I don’t know if Christian is the love of my life, but that’s okay. I know he makes my heart beat faster and I don’t want to kiss anyone else but him. I know he’s sweet and kind and has a wonderful heart. I can’t imagine my life without him and I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to.

I know we have a long road ahead of us and possibly more bumps and cliffs along the way, but whatever it is, all we can do, all anyone can do, is deal with it. Try to grow from it.

That’s what I’m doing. And if I fall again—because we all get scraped knees at some point—I’ll get back up. Because I’m worth it.

We all are.

Acknowledgments

I have to give a huge thanks to my editor Stacy Abrams. She helped this book become what I always hoped it would be. Thanks to my family for dealing with me when I’m in “crazy writer zone” and to everyone at Entangled for believing in Brynn and her story. And to my readers, as always, I owe so much to you. Thanks for the continued support.

About the Author

Nyrae Dawn is also the author of the bestselling The Games series, including Charade. She is also the co-author of Out of Play with Jolene Perry. She lives in California with her husband and children. Visit her online at
www.nyraedawn.com
.

If you enjoyed
Searching for Beautiful
,

don’t miss Nyrae Dawn’s

O
UT OF
P
LAY

co-written with Jolene B. Perry

Rock star drummer Bishop Riley doesn’t have a drug problem. Celebrities—especially ones suffering from anxiety—just need a little help taking the edge off sometimes. After downing a few too many pills, Bishop wakes up in the hospital facing an intervention. If he wants to stay in the band, he’ll have to detox while under house arrest in Seldon, Alaska.

Hockey player Penny Jones can’t imagine a life outside of Seldon. Though she has tons of scholarship offers to all the best schools, the last thing she wants is to leave. Who’ll take care of her absentminded gramps? Not her mother, who can’t even be bothered to come home from work, let alone deal with their new tenants next door. Penny’s not interested in dealing with Bishop’s crappy attitude, and Bishop’s too busy sneaking pills to care. Until he starts hanging out with Gramps and begins to see what he’s been missing. If Bishop wants a chance with the fiery girl next door, he’ll have to admit he has a problem and kick it. Too bad addiction is hard to kick…and Bishop’s about to run out of time.

Read on for a sneak peek!

Chapter One

Bishop

Bishop! Bishop! Bishop!

The chants from the crowd won’t stop rattling around in my head.

Bishop! Bishop! Bishop!

I stumble from the car to the front door, catching my foot on the step and slamming into the side of the house. The world around me blurs. It always does after a show.

Look, it’s Bishop Riley from Burn!

Left, right, and left again, I look over my shoulder like the paparazzi are still behind me, their voices mixing with fans that haunt me. What kind of rock star can’t handle crowds? It’s pathetic.
I’m
pathetic the way I let the anxiety practically swallow me whole.

Just get inside. I need to get inside, and then it will all go away.

I wave my personal guard back into the car before grasping the handle, desperate for quiet. But as soon as I push the door open, it’s like I’m back on stage again, everyone wanting a piece of me. People are everywhere, closing in. No one’s supposed to be here. She promised. Maryanne fucking
promised
there wouldn’t be a party tonight.

I shove my way through the people crowded in her living room. The crowd’s screams during my drum solo overtake me, wipe away the high I get when my sticks slam down on the drums. No one’s staring, but it feels like they’re climbing inside my skin, gnawing from the inside out.

I need Maryanne. She said she had a surprise for me, and it sure as hell better not be this party.

Someone hits me on the left, scoots around me on the right. Each touch amplifies the screaming in my head, the vice twisting around my throat. I flex my hands, wishing I had my drumsticks.

“Bishop!”

I cover my ears, but then I realize it’s Maryanne calling my name.

She bounces over to me, a big-ass smile on her face. “Come with me!” She’s yelling, but I can still hardly hear her.

My feet tangle again as I go up the stairs and follow Maryanne down the hallway. With each step, the vice around my throat gets tighter, flashes of the show tonight playing in my head.

10,000 people.

Burn! Bishop! Burn!

It mingles with the phone call from my asshole dad. He wants more money, he always does. It’s the only way to get him to leave us alone. I squeeze my eyes shut, everything becoming too much.

We slip into one of the rooms…and it’s quiet. Blissfully fucking quiet, the noise of the party muted by the walls. I turn on Maryanne, hating the way my hands shake. “You better have something good.”

She holds up a pill bottle and grins.

My mouth goes dry. “What is it?”

“Come and see.” Laughing, she backs away. As soon as I step toward her, she tosses the bottle at me. When I get the lid off, I toss the pills in my mouth and grab the beer Maryanne hands me to wash them down. Pills and beer gone in three seconds flat. Gone the way we used to be before I had the money to pay Dad off, when he would find us in whatever new town we moved to so we could escape him. Only the pills make me feel a whole lot better than leaving did.

Maryanne trails her fingers down my stomach. “How many did you take before you got here?”

“A couple. I only had a few with me, though.”

“Here.” Maryanne hands me her beer, and I down that as well.

It doesn’t take long for the edge to start drifting away, for the vice, the voices, the hands grabbing for me to fade.

My cell rings.

Shit.

I pull out my phone, knowing I’ll get hell if I don’t answer. People are always checking up on me.

“Where’d you disappear to?” Blake, my band’s lead singer, asks. “I thought you were coming over.”

The room is spinning. How the hell does a room spin? I fall onto the bed to see if that makes it stop. Nope. My body tingles all over. It’s such an incredible feeling. So much better than the hands ripping at my skin during a show or the chanting trapped in my head.

“B.R.?”

Oh, right. I’m on the phone. “Paparazzi wouldn’t stop following me,” I say. “I had to ditch them.”
True.
The word sounds funny, so I keep playing it over.
True, true, true, true.

“You could have ditched them and still come over. I thought we all decided the band would hang together after the show tonight.”

We did? Little bits and pieces try to form in my brain, but struggling to figure them out takes too much concentration. Blake’s trying to kill my buzz. I’ll be damned if I let that happen. The spinning starts to slow down, and I’m pissed about it. The dizzy was way better than dealing with him. “It’s not that big a deal.”

My upper teeth brush against something on my bottom lip, and it startles me. But then I realize it’s my lip ring, and laughter starts pouring out of me. I don’t want to stop. I don’t remember the last time I laughed this hard—the last time I let loose with people who weren’t in my head.

Burn! Burn! Burn!

It’s more than our band’s name when they yell it like that. It makes me feel like they’re burning me alive. My high starts slipping more…

I want to grab onto to it. Find something else to take to make sure it doesn’t go away for the rest of the night.

“Bishop, you need to take this shit seriously. I can only cover for you so long before—”

Wait. “Cover for me? What the fuck does that meant?”

“Mean.”

Mean
? What is he talking about? The spinning slows to a stop. He’s giving me shit for something all of us do.
They’re
going out tonight. There’s no difference if I do it with or without them. And at least I have an excuse. They don’t feel like they’re going to lose their shit on stage like I do. Not that I’d ever tell any of them that.

“Bishop,” Maryanne whines. “You’re ignoring me. I don’t like to be ignored.” She falls onto the bed next to me and runs her fingers down my chest again. My heart picks up.
This
is what I’m in the mood for. Not Blake’s shit.

“Is that Maryanne?” he asks.

Bishop Riley! Burn, Burn, Burn!

My buzz is sizzling away…

“Gotta go.” I hang up the phone and drop it on the bed…floor, I don’t know and don’t care. Maryanne’s skirt is short—so short. “What’cha want, B.R.? I know you want more.”

Do I?
Yeah, I do. Just a few minutes ago, I was laughing. It takes the stress away so I can be happy.