Screwups (25 page)

“Hey,” he said when the nurse left them to find the doctor.

Mrs. Stewart looked a little pale herself, but she smiled at her son. “How are you doing, sweetheart?”

“My head’s killing me. Bobby didn’t break my jaw, at least, but they won’t give me any pain-killers until they can get an X-ray to make sure I didn’t get a concussion.”

“I thought he broke your neck,” Danny said, his voice unsteady. Tears were stinging his eyes and he was struggling to hold them back. The last thing he wanted to do was break down crying in front of Jake’s mom.

“Hey,” Jake said, holding out his hand. When Danny took it, acutely aware of Mrs. Stewart watching them, Jake said, “I’m okay.”

“Robbie filled me in on some of the… melodrama that’s occurred over the past few days,” Mrs. Stewart said. She appeared not to notice the handholding. “I’m disgusted with the twins’ behavior, and I’m so furious with your father I can’t even
think
straight!”

“Don’t try to fix it, Mom,” Jake said. “I’m done with him.”

She nodded silently, looking as if she were struggling to hold back tears herself.

They waited with Jake until the nurse came back with an orderly to wheel Jake to X-ray. Mrs. Stewart asked her, “Is it all right if my son’s boyfriend remains here to wait for him? I’d like to go out to the waiting room.”

“Sure. It’ll just be about fifteen minutes.”

Mrs. Stewart smiled at Danny and left him. He sat down to wait, surprised that she’d been so straightforward about calling him Jake’s boyfriend. Still, that was the least of his concerns at the moment.

When they wheeled Jake back in, he was still looking pale. “The headache’s getting worse,” he told the nurse petulantly.

“I’ll talk to the doctor. Just hang in there.”

It seemed as though it took forever, during which time Jake mostly sat with his eyes closed, holding Danny’s hand but too miserable to talk. Eventually, the nurse returned with an IV. “The doctor will be in soon to talk to you, but he says you can have something for your headache now.”

They gave him some kind of pain-killer injected into the IV, and Danny was relieved to see Jake relaxing as it took effect.

The doctor came in shortly after that. He introduced himself to both Jake and Danny as Dr. Prashad. “Are you awake?” he asked Jake cheerfully.

“Yeah,” Jake said slowly. “Just sleepy.”

“How’s your head now?”

“Better.”

“Do you feel nauseous?”

“Not anymore.”

“Good. It was probably the headache making you feel sick to your stomach. You don’t have a concussion. And you’ve pulled a muscle in your neck, but nothing’s broken. I’ll give you a prescription for a muscle relaxant and some pain-killers for a few days.”

“I can go home?”

“Very shortly. Of course, you can’t drive. Can your friend give you a ride home?” He smiled at Danny.

“We’ve got a car,” Danny said quickly.

“Good.” The doctor turned back to Jake. “You’ve had some nasty cuts. You were very lucky—falling through a window isn’t like it is in the movies, is it?” He laughed gently. “Your injuries could have been much, much worse. So you’ll have to be careful of your stitches for several days. It will all be listed in your discharge instructions.”

A
S
VILE
as the twins’ behavior had been, and as angry as he still was with both of them, Jake couldn’t quite bring himself to file assault charges against his brothers. Why he should feel any shred of affection for the two thugs who’d tormented him his entire life, he had no idea, but he did. Maybe it was Stockholm syndrome. At any rate, he just relayed through his mother that he needed them to stay the hell away from him until he was ready to deal with them. They’d sent him a dorky get well card but hadn’t made any attempt to visit.

His father never tried to contact him at all, and for that Jake was grateful.

On the other hand, Jake had no qualms about giving Sonny Bobby’s address to send a bill for the damages to the dorm. He’d taken a bunch of shit for it, including Mark trying to get him kicked out of Eaton House.

That had actually been a pretty serious situation, since Eatonites did
not
like fighting in their dorm. His fault or not, Jake’s presence had brought more violence into their safe haven than they’d ever had to deal with before. A meeting was called that Wednesday, and the only dorm mates firmly on Jake’s side were Danny, Eva, and Paul. Fortunately, Sonny had decided to step in and plead Jake’s case, and he’d managed to convince the majority of them that Jake had done his penance for hitting Mark and he’d had no control over his brothers attacking him. So now Jake was merely on probation rather than out the door.

In the meantime, Danny and Paul put cardboard up over the empty space where the glass pane had been, so Danny could play piano in the lounge without the downstairs people complaining they couldn’t hear Kyle MacLachlan say “Damn good coffee!”

But even though things were better between him and Danny, something still felt unresolved.

They’d continued to sleep together since the night of the Great Dumpster Dive, thank God. Jake would have gone insane otherwise. As it was, Danny refused to let Jake do anything athletic—like sex—until his stitches healed. The best he could get was an occasional blowjob or hand job, but Danny insisted he pretty much just lie there and take it like a man. Jake was allowed to cop a feel but not actually do anything to get Danny off. Danny did get himself off, but it was frustrating to watch without being allowed to participate.

That was all just temporary, though, and having a boyfriend who gave great head was hardly something to whine about. The problem was there still seemed to be a wall between the two of them, and Jake couldn’t figure out why. He’d tried to be understanding, that night in the shower. Had he somehow fucked up his apology? Or had he hurt Danny so badly there was simply no way he could be forgiven?

Then late one night, after they’d been asleep for a few hours, Jake woke to find Danny sitting up in the dark beside him. He wasn’t making a sound, so Jake couldn’t tell if he was crying or not. Jake rolled onto his back and reached up to stroke Danny’s back. Danny flinched at the touch but didn’t move away.

“Tell me,” Jake said in a whisper, afraid Danny would get out of the bed if he spoke too loudly. “Please.”

There was a long silence, and then Danny began to talk. “One of those guys on the wrestling team… his name was Steve Cory. I had a huge crush on him. And I thought he liked me too. I mean, we made out all the time. If somebody likes to kiss you, doesn’t that mean he likes you?”

Jake almost responded, but he stayed silent, afraid anything he said might make Danny go quiet again.

“I thought so,” Danny said wistfully. “But he never wanted to have sex. I think somehow he convinced himself that kissing wasn’t real—it was just fooling around. But sex… that would have been real. That would have been
gay
.” He paused, as if uncertain he should continue, but then he went on, “That night in the garage… I didn’t really want to… do what I did. Don’t get me wrong. I wasn’t freaked out by it. I wasn’t forced. I just…. It was Steve’s idea. He said he’d let me give him a blowjob if I did the other guys first. So I figured, why not? I mean, I didn’t care about sucking off those other guys. But I thought maybe this could be the first step with Steve. Maybe if I did this, he’d be open to doing more with me….”

Danny took a long, quavering breath. “It didn’t turn out like I thought. ‘You just sucked off three guys. Get away from me, you filthy cum whore.’ That’s what he said. Then he and his friends kicked me around for a while, and… and then he pissed on me….”

“Jesus.”

Danny shook his head, as if to clear it. When he spoke again, he sounded like he might be crying, though it was too dark for Jake to see. “The next day, Steve and his friends told everybody. And that was pretty much the end of any friendships I had, any respect anyone had for me. I was the faggot who sucked off the wrestling team. Nobody cared about their part in it—they were all drunk! I’d begged them to feed me their cocks and they were too drunk to care. That’s what they told everyone. Someone wrote “cum whore” on my locker. Guys hid themselves when I went into the men’s room or flashed their dicks at me so their friends could have a good laugh. Sometimes a group of them would follow me through the halls and spit on me, call me ‘faggot’ and ‘cum whore’ and ‘piss-pig’—yeah, Steve told everyone about that part too. He said I asked him to do it in my mouth.”

Danny swallowed. “There were a couple teachers who saw what was going on. Mrs. Kelly was cool. She shut it down when kids called me names in her art class, and eventually she told the guidance counselor. He called my mom in. And then he… made me admit in front of her that I hadn’t been raped. I’d wanted to do it.”

He was silent so long after that, Jake finally had to say something. “You just wanted this asshole to like you.”

“It doesn’t matter. I screwed my whole life up in one night, and there’s no going back. Since then, I’ve fucked around a lot. Nothing like that night, but… there have been a lot of guys. Mostly one-night stands. The Dragon Con where I met Karl? That was a threesome. I don’t even know who the other guy was.”

Jake sat up so they could be face-to-face, even though it made him wince because the cut on his back still wasn’t completely healed. In the dark, he could only see Danny in silhouette against the streetlight-illuminated window. “So what are you saying? You were a victim that night, but now you’ve gone completely over to the dark side?”

“I was never a victim. I knew what I was doing.”

Jake groaned. “He manipulated you. And then he abused the shit out of you for doing what you thought
he
wanted you to do. That part about how you didn’t think it was so bad at first? I don’t see how that really matters.”

“It mattered to you, when you found out about it.”

“Yeah,” Jake said. “I know. I guess it made me jealous. I was afraid it meant what you did with me was just… nothing to you. I’m sorry.”

“Jake… guys like you and guys like me just aren’t meant to be together.”

That shut Jake up for a minute. It felt like Danny had slammed a door. At last, he said, “What do you mean by that?”

Danny didn’t answer. He just lifted his knees and leaned his chin against them.

“You think you’re too sleazy for me, don’t you?” Jake asked.

“Yeah. I kind of do. I know some guys think I’m cute—”

“You’re fucking gorgeous.”

“—so I haven’t had any trouble getting sex when I want it. But the guys who fucked around with me the last couple years of high school didn’t come to me because they wanted a boyfriend. They wanted sex. I got pretty good at it, and everyone knew I was a good lay. I thought maybe I could get a fresh start here, since Keene is two hours away, but a lot of kids from Keene end up at UNH. Mark’s not the only one in this dorm. He’s just the only one who’s a dick to my face.”

“So what?”

“So?” Danny snapped. He appeared to be growing angry. “So I’m trying to tell you what everyone else already knows about me. I may be good-looking on the surface, but deep down I’m just a slut. A cum-whore. I’m sleazy and disgusting and—”

“Shut up! You’re not any of those things!”

“How the fuck would you know? You’ve barely scraped the surface.”

Jake sighed and frowned. “Let me ask you something. All of this shit about… threesomes and one-night stands…. Is that what you really want? Is that what gets you off? What makes you happy?”

“It doesn’t make me happy.”

“Could you be happy with just one guy? With
me
?”

“I don’t want to sleep around, Jake. Sex with you is awesome.”

“Then fine. Be my boyfriend. And we’ll both be happy.”

Danny was silent for a long time. When he spoke at last, his voice sounded small, like a child’s, and frightened. “Every time you learn something new about my past….”

He trailed off, but Jake knew where he was going with it. He moved in close and placed his chin on Danny’s shoulder, so he could whisper in his ear. “I’ll tell you what. You’re gonna start from the beginning. And you’re gonna tell me everything you’ve ever done that you think is too sleazy for me to handle, even if we have to break for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. And then when you’re done, you’re gonna see that I’m still here. And I still love you.”

I
T
WAS
pretty ballsy, demanding his lover’s entire previous sexual history like that. But Danny found he wanted to tell it. Deep down, part of him was still convinced Jake would bail, once he heard it all. So maybe Jake was right. Maybe the only thing to do was to lay it all out in the open.

He talked for a long time, making sure he got everything, with Jake eventually lying down to curl up around him like a big dog. Several times, he had to check to see if Jake had fallen asleep, but he hadn’t. He was sleepy, but he could always repeat back what Danny had just said. Then, as the sickly gray predawn light seeped into the room, Danny said, “And then I started jerking off with my roommate.”

“Mark?” Jake asked, confused. They’d already gotten past the drunken blowjob.

“No. This was a cute redhead who liked having his asshole licked.”

“Sounds really sleazy.”

“Yeah.”

“I think he wants you to do it again.”

Danny sighed and pushed Jake over onto his own pillow so he could lie down beside him. “I think he probably needs some sleep, considering how recently he got out of the hospital.”

“Hmm. So was that it?”

“Dude, I’ve been talking for hours.”

“It wasn’t all that much. You just kept going into gory detail.”

Perhaps he had. He’d felt compelled to tell everything and not leave the slightest thing out. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”

“You didn’t. Some of it was pretty hot, actually. I’d like to try fucking on top of Garrison Hill Tower.” He was talking with his eyes closed, as if he were about to drift off to sleep, and he looked adorable.