Science...For Her! (28 page)

FIG. 3.6

Television

Since TV is basically a box full of magnets, TV totally belongs in the physics chapter. We ladies in America sometimes take TV for granted. Not everyone has a TV, you know. Squirrels are basically TV for homeless people.
FIG. 3.7
Every woman should realize that a TV is everything to her. It’s going to help raise your children, so you NEED to invest in a good model. It was also most likely the most consistent father figure you had in your life. Know that any issues you have in your dating life are due to the neglect of your TV-daddy.

FIG. 3.7

Upcoming

TV SCHEDULE

Get ready for these great upcoming new shows on your favorite cable TV channels in the future!

Fri 4/21/31	8am	8:15am	8:23am	8:25am	8:30am	8:42am	8:45am
TLC	Short AND Fat!	Large Cupcakes!: Cupcakes the Size of Full-Sized Cakes!	Too Many Kids!	Uh-Oh, I Taxidermied My Stepson!	Not Enough Kids!
MTV	16 and Barren	Made: I Want to Have Anemia	Thanks for Nothing, Mom and Dad: Punch Your Dumb Parents with Your Hands if They Don’t Get It	Pimp My Premie (hour-long cleft-lip special)	Pimp My Acai Berry (miniseries)	Pimp My Pimp
THE WEATHER CHANNEL	Weather Forecast (reruns from 2010)	Some Clouds or Something Whatever	Come Rain or Come Shine: The Chip Milggnman Story	Whatever (miniseries)	Pimp My Weather	Lava: Not Weather at All
SPIKE	Face Punch Beach House	Video Game Mardi Gras Beach House	1,001 Ways to Get Someone Un- Pregnant	Eat This Fart, Guy (miniseries)	Hit in the Balls, Hit in the Nuts (Beach House)	Top Ten Faces to Get Punched in the Face
OXYGEN	1,001 Ways to Make Your Hair Smell Like a Storm	How to Fart More	Candles and You	Candles and You	Husbands, Husbands, HUSBANDS	Milk Me

Let’s Get Physics, Y’All! Recap

Boy am I TIRED from how much I TRULY LOVED teaching you about physics, and from all the extra weight I’m now carrying around!! I am just so exhausted from enjoying teaching and from imagining how much you loved this chapter (can I get a “I truly enjoyed this physics chapter, Megan, here’s my [insert your own credit card number and the little PIN on the back and the expiration date and then record yourself saying it and send it to the publisher’s address on the copyright page of this book]”?) I hope you had fun. I’m going to brb and lose all the weight—I can’t wait to see you in the next chapter! You won’t even recognize me!

Recap Questions

QUESTION 1:
Why are my breasts more tender than normal?

QUESTION 2:
Oh my God, am I pregnant????

QUESTION 3:
If 9/11 wasn’t an inside job, then why do major figures that have dealt with 9/11 investigations keep trying to make public statements about the doctored evidence but they’re always silenced by the mainstream media?

QUESTION 4:
Which makes more sense: that one individual Muslim terrorist was able to choreograph an elaborate dance of planes that was able to bypass every single aspect of US security, OR that the collapse of the Twin Towers and 7 World Trade Center was the result of a controlled demolition rather than structural failure due to impact and fire and that the Pentagon was hit by a missile launched by elements from inside the US government in order to justify the invasions of Afghanistan and Iraq as well as geostrategic interests in the Middle East, such as pipeline plans launched in the early 1990s by Unocal and other oil companies?

QUESTION BART SIMPSON:
Are swim skirts cute or what ;)? LOVE YOU BABES SO MUCH!

WEIGHT-LOSS UPDATE

My baby-gals!!! We’re between chapters! I am so happy you’re here. Let’s just say I’ve been going through a rough time. It’s been another seven months since I last wrote. I had to really do a lot of soul-searching as a very fat, single person. Did you know that your soul also gains weight when you become a fat person? My soul is definitely one of my problem areas. For me, my soul was obese.

But, after months and months and yo-yoing like crazy, I finally stopped
searching
for myself and
found
myself. After that, the pounds just melted off. My weight-loss regimen has been extremely successful. I’ve lost the cake weight and then some!!
FIG. 3.8
How bomb-ass do I look, ladies!!! What’s my secret, you ask (can I get a “What’s your secret?”!)? Oh, just the regular old stuff—diet, exercise, and meth. Yes, you read that right! Methamphetamines! You know: Crystal! Crank! Street-meat! Smashmouth! TaTu! Poopoo doodoo! Don’t Meth with Texath!

You wouldn’t think it, but meth is actually an extremely easy way to lose weight
and
stay up for nine days at a time. You lose like sixty pounds in teeth alone. I don’t know why I didn’t think of it before—I’ve been able to quadruple my writing time and negative-quadruple my weight. And I feel great on it. I don’t even have time to think about Xander because I’m too busy BJing my dealers so they’ll throw in an extra bump because I need it. Find me someone who spuriously asserts that meth turns you into a psychotic, aggressive monster and I will rip that person’s head off until all of the blood comes out. Just call me “Methin’ Amram!”