Science...For Her! (13 page)
God. Where to even begin? Literally! Do I begin at the
big bang
, or the day that God made everything? Science or religion? It’s been a debate for centuries, decades, even.
As a science expert and premarital-sex enthusiast, I don’t have much room for religion in my life. But I totally understand that some ladies do need to think that there’s an invisible man watching them at all times. That gets me a little hot, too! You’re telling me there’s a guy who’s
in everything
at all times? Maybe that’s that tingle I’ve been feeling constantly in my “Temple of Doom.” ;)
What
RELIGION
is
RIGHT
for your
BODY TYPE?
There are so many religions these days. It can be hard to know which is right for you. But it’s easy to know which is right for you if you know your body type! Use this quick guide to figure out what faith you should immediately convert to and dedicate the rest of your life to and change your children’s religion to if you have children.
PEAR-SHAPED:
With full hips and butt, you’ll want to draw attention up to your toned shoulders, arms, and hands. Go with Catholicism—it’s totally “in” to wear huge crucifixes around your neck, which will highlight your pretty clavicles as well. Plus, what draws more attention to arms and hands than a cute case of stigmata? Get the name-brand kind or make your own!
APPLE-SHAPED:
Apples have big bellies and traditionally leaner legs. Try Buddhism, which was started by a famous Apple shape. Because Buddha himself was an Apple, you’ll fit right in. And if you need to lose that belly quickly, self-immolate! Buddhists have been using that secret weight-loss technique for ages!
BOYISH:
Straight up and down? Make your religion Hinduism. The sari will fit your thin frame well (Gandhi-style hunger strike anyone?), but also a major tenet of Hinduism is that life is inherently a cycle of suffering through death and rebirth, and obviously you would believe that life is suffering if you were born with no boobs!! Maybe in your next life you’ll be Kate Upton, sister. :)
PLUS-SIZED:
You’ll want a religion that covers up all your problem areas. Go with a religion that requires women to cover up as much as possible. This means anything fundamentalist—Islam, Orthodox Judaism, Mormonism . . . take your pick! There are so many good options for plus-sized women these days! We’ve come a long way!
As I mentioned previously, I myself am a Jew. I can’t say I’m proud of the fact. It’s tough being a Jew in modern society: I’m extremely dark-complexioned for a white person, and Louis Vuitton doesn’t make a good midsize sack for Jew-gold.
Because I’m a Jew, I was raised with all the strong, applicable traditions of an Abrahamic religion. And who’s a stronger female role model than Eve! Even Eve had some guy troubles, though. Here at
Science . . . for Her!
, we’ve got a first look at Eve’s dating profile.
FIG. 1.22
Speaking of dating sites, let’s talk about me for a second for once, God! Just a little update: I think I’m making a little headway with Xander! We’ve entered into a long-distance relationship: his lawyer recently contacted me and said I was required to stay five hundred yards away from Xander at all times! Everyone knows long distance is tough, but I had no idea it would be this tough! Hmm, maybe I can start calling his lawyer a lot to make Xander jealous? Such a great idea, me!
FIG. 1.22
Oh my GOSH, girls! I can’t believe it! We’ve made it through one whole chapter! I don’t know about you, but I am exhausted, famished, and bored as
helllllo KITTY
! This was like a
Cosmo
but so, so much more boring! We deserve a treat!!
Best Ways to Treat Yourself After You Read a Whole
Boring
Biology Chapter in a Women’s Science Textbook
1. Rent
Sleepless in Seattle
on Netflix and make yourself a Seattle Slush (gimlet with rain water!).
This classic movie and cute themed cocktail are just what you need to relax—that chapter was boring as hell!
2. Do a little online shopping and snag a hot monokini from a vintage online store.
Monokinis are such a fun, flirty, retro alternative to bikinis! It’s a great way to pump yourself up after such a fucking awful time reading a biology chapter in some fucked-up textbook.
3. Try a new hobby, like scrapbooking, scuba diving, or wine tasting!
Yeah, definitely wine tasting, you’re going to have to get [email protected]($%*ing wasted to just forget how much you wanted to TRULY DIE while reading this GOD-AWFUL CHAPTER. Oh my dear GOD. I am so drunk right now. God. Xander I miss you so much. I’m going to text him. Fuck my knuckles have wine all over them I can’t read the digits to Xander’s phone number.
QUESTION 1:
Do female organisms exist?
QUESTION 2:
What is asymmetrical about Xander’s face, and why doesn’t it matter to me?
QUESTION 3:
Why are your bangs so fucking ugly, you two-faced bitch?
QUESTION 4:
Why do good things happen to bad people/pear shapes?
QUESTION ?:
What number comes after 4 again? I am so bad at math!
QUESTION OH YEAH, 5:
Well, I guess this is technically Question 6, since the question before was a question.
QUESTION 5:
That wasn’t a question before, that was an explanation, so
this
is question 5! Why are you so fun? Love you, girls!
