SCARS (15 page)

              The server returned with drinks, took our order, then disappeared again. I picked up where we left off.

              “I mean I knew it was coming down to me or him. I was fourteen. I had started my period the year before and I lived in terror that I would end up pregnant or that he would move on to Georgia.”

              “You should have let him move on to that little bitch.”

              “No. I couldn’t have ever gotten over that. Forgiving myself would have been impossible.”

              “She adores a man that didn’t exist and it’s putting you in an impossible situation. Confess and go to jail or continue to blackmail your closest allies.”

              “Maybe. As tortured as I feel I’ve never felt compelled to confess to the authorities. I’ve lived in fear of the law figuring out what I did. But I’ve always had this outlaw angel in my corner. When I went back to the site where the accident happened the hull of the car was hidden away from prying eyes. Really, unless you were looking for it you would miss it. I mean you had to know it was there. And I knew it was there. I killed him I guess because the future with him in it was bleaker than the one without him would ever be. I killed him because the opportunity presented itself to me. Although it’s not something I think I’d be able to duplicate. My memory of that night comes in and out of focus. Some of it sharp, some of it hazy.” I shook internally. I turned my palms up and continued, “The glass I used cut me deep. I will bear these scars until the day I die. They serve as a reminder of how close I came to death and the fact I’m a killer. I’ll never be able to wash his blood off of me. But I only regret the fact I was pushed to my wits end to do it.”

              Ellen looked at me and leaned in close. “The man was a bastard. You deserve your life with James. He with you. You deserve my friendship and loyalty. You deal with Georgia in any fashion you see fit. The woman is a bitch and is coming at you in order to destroy your life. Don’t you dare let her do it. You need me, I’m there. And I’ll be with you every step of the way.”

              I smiled and exhaled in relief. I wasn’t sure if this was a blessing or a curse. I still was at a loss as to how to get through to Georgia. She’d never believed me about George. Why would she believe me now? I loved her. I wanted her to love me. Yet, I knew as sure as I had James and Ellen’s love and support and would always have those things. I knew I would never get that from Georgia.

              I wanted to believe in a future where my past didn’t matter. Where my past didn’t haunt me. Where I could believe in the life I dreamed of for my fiancé and myself. A future where James and I could live in a house with a basement. Why? Just because I’d always dreamed of having one.

              These dreams had been put to bed when Kevin betrayed me and dealt me a death sentence.

              But James….

              James had changed everything.

              I believed now. I dreamed now in a way I hadn’t even before. Maybe because I believed I deserved it. I smiled and looked down at my ring. Maybe James and I were broken in very different ways, but somehow we had found our way to each other.

              I wanted to be wrapped in our own version of happily ever after. Surely it would not look like everyone else’s happily ever after. As long as Georgia remained a loose end I wasn’t too sure that could happen.

              “You thinking about your wedding?” Ellen said.

              “Yeah.”

              “What are you wanting?”

              “A beautiful traditional gown made of lace and silk. A small chapel with candles lit all along it. White rose bouquets with baby’s breath along the pews. With just me and him at the altar and the minister to marry us.”

              “Am I there in this picture?”

              I looked at my ring again. Then to her. “That’s what I wanted to talk to you about.”

              “Of course I’ll be your maid of honor!”

              “It’s not that. I want you to go online and get ordained as a minister and marry me and James.”

              “You mean I get to wear a pretty dress?”

              “Not as pretty as mine but I promise I won’t put you into an orange taffeta dress.”

              Ellen threw her head back and roared with laughter.

              “Okay, okay. I will get ordained. Is there going to be anyone else there to witness this marriage.”

              “No. Neither of us really wants anyone in on our union.”

              “What chapel are you going to use?”

              “I’m not sure really. James said he would take care of it. I trust that he will.”

              “I would have never said this a couple of months ago, but you’re a very lucky girl.”

              “I would have to concur.”

              “You know, I haven’t asked this because well, I didn’t want to be rude. But have you two, well, you know, had sex?”

              “We never just have sex.”

              “Woo woo woo, excuse me. Have you two,
made love.
”

              “Yes,” I sighed allowing myself a brief moment of romanticism outside of the trailer, “and he was wonderful.”

              “Look at that smile. I imagine he was.”

              “I’ve had lovers before, Ellen but James…James he was everything. And when we were together…it was more than just being close, or getting off. He loved my body. I mean, my
whole body.
He never closed his eyes. He was always looking at me. Really looking at me. Like he was worshiping my body and loving everything about me at the same time. I’ve never experienced anything like it.”

              “Good god girl, if the man makes you feel like that you grab on tight and hold on with both hands. Fuck what the world tells you. A love like that comes around maybe once in a lifetime if you’re lucky.”

              “It’s nice you understand.”

              “I think the moment I saw you two together I did. It just took me a minute to get my head around it all.”

              I beamed. I was happy. I was just…happy. I hadn’t felt that in forever. It felt like sand in an hourglass however. Georgia lurked in the shadows and I feared her next move. I wondered if I always would.

Chapter Twenty-One

              I drove up to a surprise.

              In the midst of a cold, snowy winter there was James in blue coat, axe in hand, chopping wood. In the yard there was a stack of two x fours, bricks, mortar and other building tools and materials. I had to admit my interest was piqued. It was sexy to see my man working out in the yard with his hands.

              I noticed as I approached him there was a large thermos of coffee nearby. Picking it up I opened it and handed it to him. He hammered the axe into the wood, wiped his brow and took the offering from my hand.

              “What is this?” I asked. “It’s freezing out here.”

              He kissed me and I could taste the salt on his lips. I shivered. Romance was definitely in the biting cold air.

              “It’s a surprise.”

              “Oh come on now. I hate it when people do this to me.”

              In truth I loved it. What I hated was the wait. No one had ever built me anything. I had no idea what he was building. Although he promised the world in his sweet and tender kiss.

              Of course he offered the world to me in everything he did. He always would.

              “Sorry, my lips are sealed.”

              I stomped my feet in mock outrage. “That’s not fair.”

              “Just know you’ll be happy.”

              I was thrilled at the thought to be honest. I loved him. Everything he did seemed to be something out of his love for me or wanting to make me happy. That was unusual for me.

              “Why don’t you come in and get cleaned up. I’ll put on a crockpot meal. Chicken Marsala.”

              “Sounds good. I’ve got a few things to square away but then I’ll be in.”

              “You sure you don’t want to tell me what it is?”

              “In time, angel, in time.”

              “Fine. Just come in soon it’s really cold out here. I don’t want you getting sick.”

              “All’s good. I’ll be in. Just let me get a few things done out here and I’ll join you inside.”

              I headed inside. Of course I thought the man was a fool for doing what he was doing. I thought back to my prom night for some reason. Most teenage girls were all dolled up in fancy dresses, riding in the limo rented by their dates or parents. They wore corsages and were worried about being prom queen. My life was nothing like that. Nothing in my life was like that.

              Kevin fooled me into believing I was the one for him. His only. His number one. When in reality I was just one of many. It helped that I was no longer in love with him now. At least, the man I had thought he was. The man who I thought had coming charging in on a white horse was a horse’s ass and that was putting it politely. I tried not to talk about the betrayal that had shut me down for so long with James. Although we could talk about just about anything and everything it was impossible for him to keep his temper in check when the topic of Kevin came up.

              The thing about Kevin though was that I had no closure. I still ached in a way from what the man had done. He had infected me with a deadly disease. One that one day would kill me. It was hard to think about that. When I did it used to send me on a downward spiral. With James in my life I didn’t think about it so much.

              In some moments when I was really happy the reality of my health               was a stark reminder that my happily ever after might have a sooner expiration date on it than someone else’s might.

              I stepped inside.

              I couldn’t breathe.

              It was beautiful.

              There was a large mirror ball hanging down from the ceiling. Flowers were everywhere and light refracted everywhere. UB40’s version of “I Can’t Help Falling In Love” played softly in the background. The smell of homemade lasagna and homemade garlic bread hung in the air.

              Had Ellen known about this? I was going to kill her when I saw her again. As for James, it was a reminder as to why I was so smart to have hitched my wagon to his star so quickly.

              I suddenly felt a rush of cold air and heard the door shut and lock. James rested his hands on my shoulders and whispered in my ear. “Ellen told me you had a lousy prom. I never experienced anything like this. So with her help I set up everything. If figured we could get cleaned up together and enjoy some dinner and dancing?”

              Never one for sentimentality, but a total sucker for a grand gesture I whirled around and emblazoned James with a joyous and passionate kiss. When I drew back I saw a kindness and softness in his gaze. It was like an arrow through the heart.

              “God, just when I think I can’t love you anymore than I already do you just push those boundaries further and further out.”

              “I do this all for you. Everyone needs their reason for living and breathing and you give me that reason every morning I wake up.”

              We embraced and swayed to the quiet music. It seemed the whole world was just us in that living room. Our whole journey would be like that. We would stand against the world when it tried to invade our space.

              It was such a lovely moment and space in time. So different from anything and everything I had ever experienced with Kevin.

              My cellphone rang. I looked at it. It was Kevin’s number. My face must have reflected that.

              “What’s wrong?”

              A chill went down my spine. I was terrified to answer that call for many a reason. One, James response would not be good once he found out who it was. And two, Kevin had never been proactive about his health.

              I debated answering it at all. But the reality was this, not facing something only led to things like your sister showing up on your doorstep when you least expected it. I picked up the call.

              “Yes?” It was Kevin’s mother. My legs went weak and my knees nearly buckled.

              James said nothing. He slipped an arm around my waist and led us to the couch where he sat us down.

              “Yeah. Uh-huh. I see. No I’m not involved with that. No I won’t be attending. Thanks for the call. Yes, I understand. Goodbye.”