Sawbones (27 page)

“No. I leave town tomorrow.” I washed and dried my hands.

“Do you? Well, be careful out there on the trail. Watch out for Injuns.”

I ignored the comment. “Try your best to keep it clean and change the bandages regularly.” I turned to give him a clean bandage to take with him, but he was gone.

The differences between my conversation with Alice and Ruth could not have been starker. It beggared belief Wallace Strong would prefer an ignorant dreamer like Ruth to a strong, intelligent woman like Alice. My dawning appreciation of Alice made my patience with Ruth during our parting conversation very thin.

With Ruth's diet, occupation, and an unsympathetic mother, I feared for the future of Ruth and her unborn child.

“You must promise me to see Dr. Kline. He will help you any way he can.”

“I don't need no doctor to birth my baby.”

“I'm not talking of the birth. If you need assistance before your term, go to Dr. Kline.”

Ruth's eyes were wide with excitement. “I don't think Mama will notice. I ain't big and if I do get a little big she'll think I'm getting fat. She always says I'm too skinny. She'll be glad.”

“What of your job? You cannot be entertaining men while pregnant. It is not good for the baby and surely they will notice.”

“Some men pay extra for it.”

“That is disgusting, Ruth. Let us go to your mother together, before I leave.”

Ruth was emphatic. “No. She'll either sell me more because of the baby or she'll kill it.”

Maybe I should stay, I thought. I could be the buffer between mother and daughter when Mary found out, which she was bound to do. She was not stupid, nor were the other women. Someone would notice Ruth's condition.

She stood before me as straight and unmovable as a marble column. If she did not inherit her mother's coloring, she did her determination. Maybe she could stand up to her mother without my help.

“I want you to swear to me, on the Bible, if anything goes wrong you'll go see Dr. Kline.”

“I can't swear on the Bible!”

I sighed in exasperation. She would lay with multiple men out of wedlock but she would not swear on the Bible. It always amazed me where people drew their moral line in the sand.

“Promise me.”

She knew she had won. She grinned. “I promise.”

I didn't believe her. Nor did Ezra when I relayed the story to him. “You cannot save everyone, Catherine.”

“Should saving everyone not be our goal?”

“Yes, but you cannot dwell on the ones you cannot. Move on to the ones you can.”

He watched as I replenished my medicine case with the stores from the dispensary. “Are you sure Foster approved this?”

“Yes,” Ezra said.

“I don't believe you.” I continued to stock my case.

“Have you become so adept at lying you can spot a liar as well?”

“I'm not as adept as you think. Kindle and Alice Strong can see right through me. Has Foster said anything about the letter?” I asked.

“No.”

“Hmm. I hope Foster isn't giving me this medicine in lieu of Sherman's recommendation,” I said. I looked at Ezra. “I may be self-centered and an accomplished liar but I am not, nor have I ever been, a hypocrite.” I held up a bottle of carbolic acid. “I wish you had more. I cannot take your last bottle. I'll get more at Sill, or in Denver.” I put it back on the shelf. “You forget I have been forced to be dishonest.”

“I haven't forgotten.”

“I have lied about two things, my name and being a war widow. The latter was Harriet Mackenzie's lie I went along with to keep the peace.”

“Surprising when you consider confrontation rather than peacekeeping is your nature.”

I ignored the insult. I wrinkled my nose. “I lied to Pope, as well. I forgot about him. Besides those fibs, I have told portions of my real history where I can and done my best to avoid revealing too much or creating more elaborate lies.” Finished restocking, I closed my trunk and turned to Ezra. “What would you have me do? Return to New York?”

“Tell Captain Kindle.”

“Why? What good would it do?”

“He could help you.”

“No, he couldn't. Besides, he knows.”

“All of it?”

“Only that I'm running from something.”

“Why did you tell him that if not all?”

I sighed. “It is a long story, Ezra. Tomorrow we will say good-bye and never see each other again. What if Beatrice Langton has Pinkertons following me? I don't want to take the chance my real story might get out. The frontier is not as large as I hoped.”

Ezra followed me out of the dispensary and into the office. The trunk containing my personal belongings was open in the corner. He sat in his desk chair and folded his hands over his stomach. “I sense you and the captain are searching for something to keep you here.”

“There is nothing to keep me here.”

“Even me?”

I pretended to rearrange items in my trunk and closed it. “I was hoping you wouldn't ask.” I sat on the trunk and faced Ezra. “You are the only person I would stay for.”

“That's a lie.”

I shook my head and looked down. “He would ask me to give up medicine. I cannot love a man who would ask that of me.”

“From what I have observed, you already do.”

I scoffed. “It's ridiculous. I haven't known him a month.”

“I fell in love with Dorothy before I said a word to her.”

“That's different. Can we please talk of something else?”

“Closing yourself off from people who care about you and whom you care about will not keep you from getting hurt.”

No, but it will keep me from hurting them, I thought. Maureen's mutilated face floated in front of my eyes.

I leaned forward and grasped his hands. “Let us say good-bye tonight. I don't want to cry in front of the fort in the morning.”

He cradled my cheek in his hand. “Little Katie Bennett. Pretty as the day you were born.”

My laughter was choked with a sob. “You always said I was an ugly baby.”

“Someone had to make sure you were not the vainest woman alive. Your father was not up to the task. Nor were Dorothy and James.”

I clutched the hand on my cheek and kissed it. “I always knew you loved me best.” I gave his hands one last squeeze and stood. “Do not forget your promise about Ruth.”

He nodded. “Good night, Katie.”

I leaned forward, kissed his bald forehead, and whispered, “Good-bye.”

It was hours before dawn and I could not sleep. The hospital was quiet except for the occasional cough of a patient downstairs and the whistling of wind through my open window. Despite this, the smell of death permeated my room. The memory of my last night in New York drove me out of bed. I rose, wrapped my shawl around my shoulders, and picked up
The Tenant of Wildfell Hall
. I decided spending the night sitting alone in the reading room, finishing the novel was preferable to being sleepless in a recently abandoned death room.

The wind was heavy with the smell of rain. Lightning flashed in the distance, followed by the low rumble of thunder. I hurried across the darkened, deserted parade ground. I closed the door to the reading room as the skies opened.

I leaned against the door and caught my breath. It was a small, square room, though two windows on each wall gave the space an unexpectedly airy impression. All available wall space was taken up by floor-to-ceiling shelves overflowing with books. Large and small desks were lined up in the middle of the room and faced a rolling chalkboard. A small desk for a teacher sat in one corner. A large paddle with holes drilled in the blade hung on a nail next to the desk.

When my eyes adjusted to the dark I crept to the teacher's desk in the corner. I fumbled for matches and lit the oil lamp on the desk. I replaced the glass, increased the wick, and sat. I was settling into the novel's denouement when I heard a step on the porch. I instinctively turned the lamp down and held my breath. I dared not imagine who might be on the other side of the door. A whisky-soaked enlisted man most like. Or possibly Harriet come to make sure I wasn't enjoying myself too much. I thought of my gun, packed away in my trunk.

Kindle poked his head through the door. “Laura?”

I sighed in relief and turned up the lamp. “I'm here.”

He closed the door behind him. “What are you doing here?”

“I am reading in the reading room. Whatever will I do next?”

He sat on the corner of the desk. He looked to have gotten dressed hastily. His shirt was open at the collar, his waistcoat was unbuttoned, and he had forgotten his hat. He was dripping wet. “Is it still raining outside?”

He ran his hands through his hair and smirked. “No more rhetorical questions. What are you reading?”

“
The Tenant of Wildfell Hall
.” I held the book up for him to see.

“What is it about?”

“A woman who escapes from her old life.”

“Why did she need to escape?”

“She was married to a depraved man who was beginning to negatively influence her child.”

“How Gothic. Where does she go?”

“She moves to the country.”

“Does it make her happy?”

“No. She becomes even more miserable.”

“Why?”

“She falls in love.”

“I would think that would make her happy.”

“She cannot be with the man she loves. She isn't free to give herself to him.”

“Does he know why?”

I shook my head.

“Doesn't she trust him?”

“Yes. But, she is afraid if her story gets out she will be found. She desperately doesn't want to be found.”

“If she trusts him with her heart, shouldn't she trust him with everything?”

“She doesn't trust anybody.”

“She should.”

I stared at the pages of the book we had long since stopped talking about, but which story eerily mirrored my own. “Why did you come, William?”

“I saw you walk across the parade ground.”

“How did you know it was me?”

“I would know you anywhere.”

Leave. Leave now.

I closed the book and stood. “I should get back.” I shoved the book into the first gap I found. Kindle stood next to the desk, holding my shawl open. “Thank you.” I let him drape it over my shoulders. It was a mistake.

He turned me around to face him. I could not bring myself to look up. I stared at the hollow of his throat as he traced his fingers across my jaw.

“We mustn't. It will only make our parting more difficult.” He turned my head and kissed my neck just below my jaw.

“Then we mustn't part.” I shuddered as Kindle's lips traveled their well-known path to my collarbone.

“I must go.” I closed my eyes and tried to remember my objections. “It isn't…I cannot ask…my…”

He pulled me close and whispered the one word I never expected. The one word I longed to hear.

“Catherine. Stop talking.”

“I didn't intend for this to happen.”

Kindle's head was buried in my shoulder, his voice muffled and hoarse.

“Let us catch our breath before we apologize to each other, William.”

He lifted his head and was readying his denial when he saw my smile. “I wasn't apologizing.” He replaced his head on my shoulder. “Nor will you.”

I ran my hand over the crown of his damp head, my racing heart returning to normal. “When I think back over my life this will not be one of the regrets.”

“Do you have many?”

“A few.”

As my breathing returned so did my logic, despite Kindle's efforts to distract me, and my desire to be distracted. His lips traveled from my neck to my exposed breast, where they lingered. I wanted to press him against me, to let him devour me again and again, but I knew I could not. “It'll be dawn soon.” I gently pushed him away.

He stepped back and helped me stand from my precarious position on the edge of the desk. We rearranged our clothes, which we had neglected to completely shed. His eyes were hooded, his lips wet and plump, inviting. I stood on my tiptoes and kissed him softly, wanting to funnel every new, raw emotion swirling within me to him.

I dropped my forehead to his chest. “What have you done to me?” The memories of our lovemaking were too fresh, the sounds still echoed through the room. I was abashed at my eagerness, my willingness to give and receive. The things I said. It was so unlike my experience with James—awkward, formal, and silent—I wondered if James and I had made love at all. My reaction to Kindle couldn't have been normal. What would he think of me when we parted? I would reside in his memory maybe a step above an energetic whore, and only there because no money exchanged hands. I looked away, smoothed my hair, and tried to push away the self-consciousness creeping into my soul. Kindle put his arms around my waist.

“You don't have to look so embarrassed.”

“You don't have to look so smug.”

I pulled away and picked up the books that had fallen from the desk. The lamp was overturned, the glass cover shattered on the floor, the wick extinguished. The room was in almost total darkness, for which I was thankful. I didn't want Kindle to see how close to tears I was. I picked up my bloomers and turned my back to Kindle while I put them on.

“Catherine, what's wrong?”

I turned to him but kept the desk between the two of us. I thought of saying a quick good-bye and keeping my fears to myself but I could not. “I hope, in years to come when you think of tonight, you will not think ill of me.”

“What?”

“This is unlike me.”

“Which part? The part where you made love to me? Or that you enjoyed it?”

“Both.” I took a breath. “I have been with one other man but it was not like this.”

“Did you love him?” His voice was sharp, abrupt.

I lifted one shoulder. “He was a childhood friend. He comforted me after my father died. I'm not sure how it happened.”

“He took advantage of you.”

“No. It was nothing like that. It was natural in the moment. I immediately regretted it. He was surprised when I refused to marry him.” I thought of the shock and anger in James's face when I said no. I shook my head to erase the memory. “I don't know why I am telling you this.”

“Catherine…”

“Let's not make our parting any more difficult than it has to be. It will be difficult enough tomorrow to pretend you're nothing to me.”

Kindle walked around the desk and took my hands in his. “Stop.” I focused on his hands and tried to ignore his closeness, the smell of sex that lingered in the air around us. “Don't you want to know why I came here tonight?”

“Was it not to find a book to read on patrol?” My forced levity sounded flat, even to me.

“I came here to tell you I am mustering out of the Army. I gave my papers to Foster this evening.”

“What? Why?”

He laughed. “You have to ask?”

“Well, yes. You have studiously avoided me since Foster's dinner.”

“As you have avoided me.”

“I thought it would be easier.”

“So did I. The farther away you pulled, the more I wanted you. When I considered your demand I leave the Army…”

“My
demand
? I did not demand…”

He placed his fingers over my mouth.

“The more I liked the idea. I stayed in the Army after the war because there was nothing for me to return to. My family was dead. I didn't have the energy or desire to rebuild my father's farm. Choosing to stay in the Army was the easiest route, so I took it.”

“It's your career. I wouldn't want you to give it up for me. You will resent me for it, later.”

“It isn't only for you, Catherine. I am tired of being alone. Of following orders I object to. Of being unhappy.”

I thought of Harriet's comment the night before. “The Army needs good men like you.”

“The Army can survive without me.”

“I can be difficult. Dramatic. Self-centered. Arrogant.”

“You are also intelligent, witty, compassionate, and tender.”

“William, I don't know…”

He pulled me closer. “As well as passionate, and the most beautiful woman I've ever met.” He lifted my chin. “The way you responded to me proved I made the right decision.” I tried to look away but he wouldn't let me. “You want to be with me as much as I want to be with you. Don't deny it.”

I shook my head. “I won't.” He kissed my hands. Happiness bubbled within me. I laughed. “What do we do now?”

“You leave tomorrow, like planned. I want you safe and away from here. When you get to Fort Sill, go east to Saint Louis. You wait for me there. I'll follow when my patrol is done. I will be a week behind you. Two at the most. Once the paperwork is complete, we start our life.”

“Where?”

He shrugged. “Wherever you want to have your practice.”

“You don't want me to give up my profession?”

“Would you?”

Would I?
Now that being with Kindle was a reality and not a dream, I couldn't imagine losing him by refusing to give up my profession. I also couldn't imagine my life without medicine.

“It doesn't matter,” Kindle said. “I am not asking you to. The Army doesn't mean as much to me as medicine means to you.”

“What will you do?”

“We can return to my family's farm in Maryland.”

“Maryland? But, I can't return to the East.”

“Why not?”

“Didn't Harriet…” The confusion on his face answered the question before I asked. “How did you know my name?”

He smiled. “I finally remembered what the doctor told me when I searched for you. After Antietam.”

I let go of his hands and paced. “I should have told you this before we…” I stopped and took a deep breath. “I cannot return to the East because I am wanted for murder.”

His face froze. He laughed. “Of all the things you could have said, that is the last I would have guessed.”

“It's ridiculous. Completely unfounded.”

“Was it a patient?”

“No, her husband. The widow accused me of bludgeoning him with a fireplace poker.”

Kindle laughed again. “You? Why?”

“I honestly do not know. She says it is because he ended our affair.”

Kindle's mirth died instantly.

“I was not having an affair with him. I am sure I don't need to clarify the point since you know me so well.”

“Of course,” he replied, though he was not as vociferous in my defense as I hoped.

“The press has crucified me. According to them, I have had an affair with every doctor in New York.”

“Why didn't you stay and defend yourself?”

“The family is connected, legally, socially, and very rich. I knew I wouldn't stand a chance.”

“But, surely…”

“I couldn't tell them who I was with to defend myself, though it mattered little in the end. The information came out.”

“Who were you with?”

I rubbed my temples. Better to tell him. “I was performing a dissection.”

“That is not so very…”

“On a body procured from a resurrection man.”

Kindle turned away and paced the room.

“I matriculated from Syracuse Medical College. The New York City colleges didn't accept women students and, as such, wouldn't allow me to perform dissections to keep my skills sharp. The only way to do so was through unsavory channels.” Kindle stared at the floor as he paced. I couldn't see his face in the darkness. “It was thanks to these dissections I was able to help you, on the plains. For that alone I cannot regret my actions. Nor will I apologize for them.”

Kindle stopped and looked at me with astonishment. “I don't care about the resurrection man.”

“There's more.”

He crossed his arms and waited.

“The body of a woman was found in the river a few days after I left. She was identified as me.”

“By whom?”

“I think by the friend who helped me escape, but I don't know for sure.”

“They think you are dead.”

I rubbed my temples. “I saw a woman in Galveston who recognized me. She had been traveling so didn't know the sordid tale. She has surely returned to New York by now. For all I know, Beatrice Langton sent Pinkertons after me on the next boat. There is a five-hundred-dollar reward for my capture.”