Saving Sunni (26 page)

My mind ran through the list of things that had been going on lately: the news stories, the police investigation, the puppy group, sage and our up-and-down relationship, the club and the store being harassed by Randy’s church group, and Sir…

“It all comes down to Sir,” I said, and it fell into place in my head. “When things aren’t good between us, I can’t deal with anything else. I feel like he’s lost respect for me, or…I’m not sure. He took away my phone because he thought Randy might be able to talk me into leaving, or meeting him somewhere, or something. Now I’m supposed to be organizing things for the puppy group from the club, and I can’t get myself to concentrate on it, and it’s making Sir think even more that I’m some kind of idiot who can’t be relied on to do anything right…”

Tears built up, and I stopped, mortified. This wasn’t something I should bother Geri with, especially not when she was recovering from her heart attack.

She handed me a tissue and sat silently while I tried to control my emotions and my embarrassment.

Finally she said quietly, “Do you and Rutger do total power exchange?”

“We’re in a Master/slave relationship,” I said slowly, confused.

“No.” She shook her head. “What I am asking is if you have any responsibility.”

I frowned, trying to figure out what she asking. “I do have responsibilities in the family, yes.”

“It’s up to you to make sure of two things,” she said. “One is that you’re communicating with him. If he acts like you can’t be trusted, find out why he’s acting that way. There may be a misunderstanding, or you may have been doing things you weren’t aware of. Either way, just because you’re in a Master/slave relationship doesn’t mean you can’t discuss how you’re feeling. But you both have to listen. If you’re each doing nothing but airing your own grievances without really hearing the other one, you won’t get anything accomplished.”

She paused and sipped her tea, resting, “The second thing is you have to act like a responsible adult if you want to be treated like one. You can’t let yourself off the hook because your connection feels strained. Believe me, I know how something like that can throw you off, but you’ve got to be able to be strong and disciplined for yourself, not just because your sir expects you to. If the connection really is off, you can’t just sit back and wait for him to fix it, especially with everything he has going on right now. It’s up to you just as much as him. In reality there is no such thing as total power exchange. There are people who want someone else to direct their lives completely, or say they do.”

She shook her head. “I tried it myself once. I was so much in love I thought I could do anything for him, even if he never gave anything back. That’s fine for a fantasy or a role-playing scene, but it doesn’t last very long in reality. Everyone has to grow up and ultimately take responsibility for themselves. Even if you give up control in some areas, you’re still accountable for your life in the end, whether you believe in a final judgment or not. There always comes a day that you have to face yourself and your choices, no matter how much you try to avoid it. You know…” She looked beyond me, out the office doorway into the store. “I did a lot of thinking when I was in the hospital. It may be time for me to make some changes too.”

We were quiet for a few seconds. I wanted to ask her if she was going to close the store or go off to join the Peace Corps, or something like that. But instead I waited to see if she was going to say anything else about her past, and thought about what she’d said about growing up. Debi looked preoccupied too.

Geri stood up suddenly, swaying a bit.

“See, I told you I could piss people off. But enough of this lollygagging. What can I do to help?” she asked, heading for the cash register.

I started to tell her to go get some rest, that we could run things just fine, but stopped. Debi offered Geri her arm, and they strolled through the store, looking at the displays as Debi recounted the highlights of the days Geri had missed. Debi said that none of us could wait until Geri was back running things again, but she needed to take care of herself so she would be ready to whip Dennis and Trey into shape. Geri giggled as Debi described them playing air guitar, smoking joints, and having orgies in the back room, each accusation getting more outrageous than the last. While she talked, Debi gradually maneuvered them back to the office and picked up Geri’s purse, steering her gently toward the exit. Geri didn’t seem to notice she was being guided, but didn’t seem overly surprised either to find herself at the door with Debi. She took her purse as if this was exactly what she had requested, then hugged both of us before going out to her car, humming to herself.

I looked at Debi in admiration. “Wow. That was masterful.”

Debi grinned and winked at me as Geri drove away. We gathered up armloads of stock that the boys had unpacked on Saturday and headed out to the sales floor.

“I’ve been thinking,” Debi said, letting her load of stockings fall and dropping down, cross-legged next to the pile. I moved past her to hang up an armful of mesh shirts.

“Thinking about what?”

She hesitated until I stopped what I was doing to look back at her.

“I think I want to visit that club of yours. Do you think your sir would let me come with you guys some night?”

“Oh,” I said, surprised. “I think so. Are you sure?”

She nodded sheepishly. “I’ve been reading some stuff about it, and I think it’s kind of cool. And I loved the interview where that guy tried out all the different things.”

“Wait a minute,” I said. “Didn’t you say you had a boyfriend? Is he into kink too?”

Her face darkened suddenly, glowering like the sullen Goth chick I had met my first day.

“He’s gone,” she said shortly.

“Oh. Sorry.” I looked back down at the shirts I was putting on hangers, snubbed and disappointed. I thought we were getting along well, but now apparently I had pissed her off. Would she just shut down on me? Sighing, I wondered how I could possibly alienate everyone in my life in such a short period of time.

But after a minute Debi said, “It’s a good thing. My dad kept telling me he was an asshole. I thought he wasn’t giving Jake a chance, but I guess he was right. I was always in a bad mood when Jake was around. We spent all our time fighting. I’m actually pretty glad he’s gone.” She got up to get another box of stockings. “He was pretty vanilla, anyway, under all the Goth makeup.”

As she spoke, I snuck a glance over at her. While her hair was still black and spiky, her fingernails were painted a more normal red color. She wasn’t wearing her torn stockings and combat boots either, although her style definitely could not be described as plain.

By the time Tina came in, Debi and I had all of the stock put away and had updated our notes. I went into the office and booted up Geri’s computer to research puppy items to sell. I had brought in the sketches I’d made for display designs, and I started putting together lists of what we’d need and pricing the various items. Debi came in and sat down and we had a brainstorming session, giggling at the pictures on the Internet. Serious men in latex dog costumes, masks, and leashes were kneeling at the feet of even more serious men wearing leather vests, chaps, and hats.

“You would think they were going off to war or something,” Debi said, tilting her head at a leatherman whose frown suggested he had just doled out severe punishments to a whole platoon. “Are you sure that’s just for playing?”

“Mostly, yes,” I said, wondering if we could market the knee pads for multiple uses. Gardening, possibly, but also kneeling for more mature submissives whose knees just couldn’t handle strenuous positions anymore? I pictured the ad that we could take out in the Post and giggled again.

“That’s hard to believe. They look like they’re getting ready to eat a small child or raid a village.”

“Sometimes they pretend to do more serious stuff like give them exams and make them pose, but mostly they just play.”

Deb fingered the heavy chain around her neck and studied the picture in silence. “Can I ask you a question?”

“Sure,” I said hesitantly.

“What was it like when you first got into this whole poly/kink thing?” She ducked her head.

“Which one, poly or kink?”

“They’re not the same thing?”

“No. Lots of kinky people are poly, but not all of them. And there are lots of poly people who aren’t kinky at all,” I explained. “So which do you want to know about?”

She thought about it for a minute. “Poly, I guess.”

I wasn’t sure it was a subject I should go into, but it felt so good to sit and talk to someone who wasn’t involved in our problems that I went on and on. I described all the difficulties sage and I had experienced in the beginning, the way she had overreacted about the divorce, and my irrational fear that she and Sir were going to decide to get married and have a “normal” relationship. Everything spilled out of me: all of my frustration with Sir trying to control the threat of Randy, his losing his job, my fears that our triad was falling apart, how much it bugged me when sage tried to apply her psychology coursework to our lives. Debi didn’t comment. She just listened, nodding now and then and asking questions when she didn’t understand some aspect.

When I finally felt like I had gotten it all out, I glanced down at my watch and gasped.

“It’s after six!” I jumped up, grabbed my purse and rushed for the door, calling a hasty apology to Debi as I ran. I barely heard her puzzled response as I tore the door open and launched myself through it.

Chapter 26

I tried to rush home, but of course traffic was all backed up due to a nasty crash on the highway and all of the rest of the routes around it seemed to be one way streets going the wrong direction. It took forever to finally get home. As anxious as I had been to get there, I just couldn’t get my feet to hurry on the stairs. Sir had been so tense and on edge lately that I dreaded the confrontation that was in store for me. He was always so overprotective. Deep down I knew it was a man thing and he only did it because he loved me, but it was so frustrating to be treated like a child. I took a deep breath to calm my nerves and forced myself to start climbing. Once at the door I inhaled again, straightened my back, and pushed it open. Shocked that Sir wasn’t standing just inside and breathing fire, I stepped further into the hallway and thought I could hear the television in the living room playing softly.

“sunni, is that you?” The sound on the television suddenly stopped.

“Yes, Sir,” I called out hesitantly, trying to figure out the strange tone I heard in his voice.

“Come in here.”

With slow, shuffling steps I covered the last few feet to the doorway into the living room. He stood with his feet spread about shoulder width apart like one of the combat stances from class. I took an involuntary step back and gasped, “Sir?”

He raised his right hand, and I could see a white envelope clutched in his fist. With slow, deliberate care he asked without raising his voice, “Where have you been?”

“I…I…I was at work,” I mumbled, surprised, even though I had been expecting that very question.

“Was there a last-minute rush for lacy hose or something?” he asked icily.

“No, Sir. Debi and I were talking. She asked me about puppy play and gear. I guess I got on a roll because I lost track of time and got out late. There was an accident and traffic was terrible.” I spoke quickly and my heart raced like I ran a marathon.

“Whatever.” He waved his hand, dismissing my explanation. “It is just one more example of your disrespect to me. This, however, is something different. Would you care to explain it?” He held the envelope in front of my face like a prosecuting attorney with a key piece of evidence.

At a complete loss, I said, “I would if I had any idea what it was.”

“Really? That is how you want to play this?”

I took it from him and looked down. When I saw the return address for the Jefferson County Courts, my brain froze. I bit my lip nervously. “Oh.”

Sir laughed harshly. “Yes, ‘oh.’ Please do enlighten me as to why that letter says you dropped the restraining order keeping Randy away from you. What in the hell is wrong with you?”

“You don’t understand,” I began, only to be cut off in midsentence.

“No, I certainly don’t understand. Do you want him back in your life? Is that why you didn’t do the paperwork for the divorce in the first place? You don’t want to be here? With me? With sage? With the life we have built together? Do you want to throw it all away?”

He was practically screaming now, his body shaking with anger. I had never seen him act this way before, no matter how angry he was. I knew it was at least partly because of the stress of losing his job, but it still scared me.

I said in a small voice, “No. I don’t want to lose what we have.”

At first I stared at the floor but then began to get angry. I looked back up. “And for another thing, I
do not
want Randy. I left him for a reason and that hasn’t changed. I
do not
love him anymore. I love you.”

He glowered back at me, and I added, “and sage.”

“Why in the world would you do something so stupid? To drop the only legal protection, regardless of how weak it is, that you had against that maniac?” He brought his hand up to brush through his hair.