It was not long after that they separated. Then
a year later, divorced. The division between them had been growing for years;
it didn’t take much to fracture it in the end.
Jeremy didn’t know all the details, but he knew
his father had been unfaithful. And in a way that his mother would want nothing
from the man after the divorce. No alimony, no child support, nothing. For her
it was a clean break.
For Jeremy, it was conflicted. His father was a
royal douche; this much was true. But the man was still his father. And he
wasn’t always that way. He used to be a great dad. The kind who coached little
league teams and treated to pizza afterwards. The kind that built a tree house
in the backyard and slept in it the first night. The kind that would sneak up
behind his mother and smother her in kisses.
Jeremy’s eyes watered.
His father could still be out there. Out in the
middle of the ocean on his yacht. Surviving in bliss.
All the while, his mother was dead and never
coming back.
Jeremy’s heart grew heavy and he wanted just to
let the tears fall, but he held them back. He took a deep breath. He regained
himself.
His backpack caught his eye and he pulled it
over to him by the couch. He opened it and removed his mother’s Bible. It and
the picture of the two of them were the last things he had of her. He sat the
book in his lap and stared at it. The cover was worn and the pages dog-eared.
Faint whiffs of his mother’s perfume came off the pages as he flipped it open.
He flipped the pages back and forth, front to back, back to front. He closed
his eyes, stopped, and placed his finger on a page at random.
Okay God. What do you got for me?
He opened his eyes. His finger was planted in
Acts 16. He skimmed over the verses, reading about the Apostle Paul and a woman
named Lydia. It said, “The Lord opened her heart to respond to Paul’s message.”
She was converted and became a Christian. Jeremy’s eyes wander over to the
margin, where scribbled in his mother’s handwriting is:
“Lord, open Jeremy’s heart the way you opened
Lydia’s. May he see you for who you are and come to know you.”
The tears came rushing back and Jeremy’s gut twisted.
Even gone from this earth and his mother still had a way to make him feel
guilty.
I guess I have to go now, don’t I?
Jeremy woke up to find CJ staring at him.
“What?” He asked, sitting up on the couch and
rubbing sleep from his eyes.
“I said, ‘Do you want any breakfast?’” the boy
answered.
He was holding a plate of pancakes out in
Jeremy’s direction. Jeremy took the plate and mouthed, ‘thanks.’ There was a
stack of three chocolate chips pancakes covered in maple syrup. They looked delicious.
“Hey,” CJ said. “We’ll be starting in like a
half an hour.”
“Okay.”
“You gonna be there?”
He sure is persistent,
Jeremy thought.
“Yeah, I’ll be there.”
CJ smiled.
“Sweet.”
And with that, he walked off.
Jeremy looked down at his breakfast. He wondered
how long their food supply would last. Josh said there would be a time for
rationing off food, but it seemed that time was not here yet. A part of Jeremy
told him to enjoy it, but another said he should not get too comfortable with
the abundance of food. There weren’t grocery stores anymore. They couldn’t just
pop in whenever they were out of maple syrup. Or pancake mix. Or milk. There
couldn’t be too much milk left and Jeremy hadn’t seen any cows wandering around
the place. Maybe they could “borrow” one from a nearby farm. If they could
figure out how to milk it, maybe they would have fresh milk, cream, and even
butter if they could figure that process as well.
He took a bite. The still warm flavors of pancake,
chocolate, and maple syrup flooded his taste buds and sent his brain the
message to stop worrying and to send some more of what was on his fork.
And so he did.
***
Jeremy gave himself a quick glance in a mirror
before he walked out onto the back porch. He changed into some cleaner clothes,
but they were not anything special. He didn’t think to ask what he should wear.
Did normal church rules apply here? And what kind of church did they attend
before? Jeremy knew that not all churches had the same idea on what you should
wear. His mother’s church was more relaxed than it used to be. When he and his
father attended, men would either wear suits or at the very least a dress shirt
and tie. Women were not to wear pants. But then that pastor left and the one
who replaced him relaxed the dress code. His mother would still always wear
some floral pattern dress.
“Out of habit,” she would say.
Jeremy decided what he had on would have to do.
It wasn’t like he had much options. He walked outside and took breath of
relief. Nobody was wearing anything fancy. He made his way down the back steps
and walked over to where they were sitting. Several folding chairs were set up
underneath the big oak tree. Laura sat on a blanket on the ground. Josh was
standing next to her, his back to Jeremy. She motioned for Jeremy to come and
sit on the ground by her. Josh turned and smiled when he saw it was Jeremy.
“I’m glad you came,” he said. “You can sit here
if you want.”
“I think I’ll just stand.”
Laura and Josh both nodded. Josh was holding an
acoustic guitar.
“Are we singing or something?” Jeremy asked.
“Maybe a song or two.”
Jeremy didn’t know the words to any Christian
songs.
“Don’t worry,” Josh added. “You don’t have to
sing along.”
Jeremy gave a nervous smile.
What have I gotten myself into?
He wondered.
Before he could answer his question, Josh’s
father-in-law stood and cleared his throat. The man had maybe spoken twenty
words since Jeremy and the others arrived. He bowed his head; everyone else
followed.
“Heavenly Father, we thank you for today. A day
to stop and rest and worship you. A day to remember your goodness. A day to
remember your grace…”
Jeremy watched on as the family prayed together.
He had bowed his head out of respect, but found it hard to close his eyes. He looked
around instead. The whole family seemed to be relaxed. Even Amy, who sat in one
of the folding chairs, with Opie in her lap. CJ was sitting next to his aunt,
every now and then, cracking open one eye. Jeremy laughed quietly to himself.
Still keeping watch.
CJ eventually made eye contact with Jeremy.
Jeremy smiled and closed his eyes. Pops was still praying. Now asking, “vision
in these dark and trying times.”
That’s one way to put it,
Jeremy thought.
Dark and trying times.
It was funny; none of them ever referred to it
as the end. How many of the televangelists screamed of the End Times and the
Apocalypse on the TV back home? They all said this was judgment and hell on
earth. Of course, they quickly followed that with a “send your donations here”-spiel.
But Josh’s family was different. None of them thought this was as bad it was
gonna get. Even with the loss of Hailey, there seemed to be something pushing
them forward. Something that said “everything is gonna be okay.”
They had hope.
“And Father,” Pops continued. “We thank you for
the time we had with Hailey. Lord, we love her so much and we know that she is
with you now. Take good care of her for us and we’ll see her again whenever
you’re ready.”
The sniffles began almost immediately. They
started as small, quiet whimpers. But they quickly grew into sobs. Jeremy
looked around to see tears streaming from all of their faces. Chris’s was most heart
breaking. The tears rolled down his red cheeks, a wide smile across his face.
It looked forced, the corners of his lips wanting to fall. Jeremy felt his own
face twitch.
How can they keep on going?
His mother was gone. Gone to wherever their
Hailey went. The first tear slid down his cheek.
Here they are, trying to worship God, when their
little girl was ripped away from them so violently. Where are you God? You seem
so near to them, but whenever I call out to you, you’re silent? Why? My mother
was a good woman and she loved you, for whatever reason! Yet you took her from
me! You did this! Why don’t you stop all this!
Pops ended his prayer, interrupting Jeremy’s
interrogation. Chris stood and gave Pops a tight hug, before the older man
returned to his seat. His wife gave his knee a tight squeeze. Chris wiped his
eyes and cleared his throat.
“I, um, I haven’t really anything to say. I
tried to think of something, but I, I just can’t yet. So, I’m just going to
read from the passage of scripture that’s been keeping me going these past couple
weeks. It’s in Hebrews 12.”
Chris paused, and took a breath before reading.
“Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great
a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings
so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking
to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set
before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right
hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility
against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted. In your
struggle against sin you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your
blood. And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons?
“My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of
the Lord,
nor be weary when reproved by him.
For the Lord disciplines the one he loves,
and chastises every son whom he receives.”
It is for discipline that you have to endure.
God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not
discipline? If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated,
then you are illegitimate children and not sons. If you are left without
discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children
and not sons. Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and
we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits
and live? For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them,
but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. For the
moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields
the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.”
Jeremy listened as Chris read, but found it hard
to focus on what the man was saying. He also felt slightly guilty for his
earlier rant against God. He was just frustrated.
“See that you do not refuse him who is
speaking?” Is that your way of talking to me God? Okay, I’m listening.
There was silence as Chris nodded to Josh. He
stood up and grabbed his guitar. He strummed through a couple of measures
before he began singing. Jeremy was surprised by what came out. Despite being
somewhat goofy, Josh had a decent voice. Jeremy didn’t recognize the song, but
it sounded like everything was on key. The others sang along; the song must
have been familiar to them all. When it was over, Josh smiled and sat his
guitar down.
“I think that’s enough for today. Let’s eat some
lunch.”
Everyone stood and slowly wandered off. They all
seemed to be off in their own worlds. It had been an emotional service for the
family. Jeremy was fixing to turn and leave when he felt a hand touch his
shoulder.
It was Laura.
“Was it as bad as you thought it was gonna be?”
She asked.
“Haha, no, no it wasn’t,” he answered.
“Good. I hope we didn’t scare you off with all
the crying. We’re an emotional family.”
“It’s fine. I understand completely. Not sure if
Josh told you, but I lost my mother the day things started. I tried to save her
and lost her in the process.”
“I’m sorry to hear that Jeremy.”
Jeremy appreciated the sincerity in her voice.
“How are you doing with that?” She followed up.
She was the first one to ask him that.
How am I doing with it?
He thought.
“Well,” he started. “I really haven’t had much
time to think about it. I don’t know. Not much I can do about it, y’know?”
She smiled.
“No, there’s not.”
Josh made his way over.
“Hey, what’d you think?”
“It was cool man. Didn’t know you could sing
like that?” Jeremy said.
“Yeah, me neither. I just opened my mouth and
that came out!”
Jeremy chuckled.
So goofy.
“Hey c’mon, let’s go grab some food. I have a
Sunday-afternoon nap waiting on me!” Josh said, beginning to walk towards the
house.
He placed his hand on the small of Laura’s back
and pulled her in close to him.
Jeremy followed them up the back stairs into the
house. But when he got to the door, he paused and looked back towards the wood
line. He scanned back and forth for a moment. He couldn’t place his finger on
it, but he felt like they were being watched.