Sapphire Skies (35 page)

One evening when she returned from the hospital, she checked her mailbox and found a letter with her mother’s handwriting on the envelope. She wondered if it contained the letter Shirley had intended to send. She had forgiven Adam’s mother — grief confused people and made them say things they didn’t mean — but she was still fragile and didn’t want to be wounded again by an insensitive remark.

Lily sat down on the sofa with Pushkin on her lap and Laika near her feet, and steeled herself. She opened the envelope but the only correspondence it contained was from her mother.

Lily read the letter again, unable to believe what it said. It had been enough of a shock to learn before she came to Russia that her father had been married before and that his wife and two young daughters had been brutally murdered. Were there any more family secrets?

She looked at the letter a third time and on this reading paid attention to the words: …
you don’t leave your first love behind when you meet someone else. You carry him with you always — in your heart. But it is possible to live in both worlds — with your past love and your new one — and still be true to both.

She sat still for a long time, wondering if that could be true. Then she thought about Luka at the police station, when he’d rescued her and Oksana. She realised that she’d always known he wasn’t gay, she’d just tried to convince herself he was. She’d liked him the moment she’d met him, only she couldn’t admit that to herself without feeling guilty about Adam.

Two nights later, Lily and Oksana were back at the Zamoskvorechye building site trying to catch the last of the cats. Scott came along too these days, bringing camp chairs and thermos flasks of hot tea for everybody. Tonight was crucial: they’d learned that work on the building site would commence in December so they had to have all the cats out by then. But after several hours of sitting in the cold, they hadn’t seen any of the colony.

‘Have you ever used affirmations?’ Scott asked Oksana.

She raised her eyebrows. ‘No. Is that a type of cat treat?’

Lily shot Oksana a glance but she didn’t see it.

‘It’s a way of focusing your thoughts to get the outcome you want,’ Scott said, edging his chair closer to Oksana. ‘Perhaps our fear that we’re not going to trap these cats in time is keeping them away.’

Oksana frowned then nodded. ‘Yes, that could be so. Cats, especially stray ones, are sensitive to the slightest change in their environment. They pick up on everything, including our thoughts, I suspect.’

‘Exactly!’ said Scott. ‘Perhaps the three of us could think an affirmation together:
Tonight we catch all of the cats easily and effortlessly
.’

‘Excellent suggestion,’ said Oksana. ‘Let’s do that.’

Lily couldn’t believe what she was hearing, but if Oksana was willing to go along with Scott’s idea she didn’t want to be the one who resisted. So the three of them focused their thoughts on the affirmation.

‘What was that?’ asked Lily.

‘A trap went off,’ said Oksana. They peered through the darkness. ‘Yes, there’s a cat in it! Lily — quick, go cover it!’

Lily ran towards the trap with a blanket. As she reached it another trap closed. Scott rushed towards that one and covered it. They put the cats in Oksana’s jeep and set more traps.

‘What good fortune!’ said Oksana. ‘Are you willing to wait for the others?’

Lily and Scott nodded.

They’d never managed to trap more than three cats in a night, but this time they caught all of the remaining cats before midnight. They loaded up Oksana’s jeep with the covered traps. As there was no room left in Oksana’s car, Scott gave Lily a lift back to her apartment. When they pulled up outside, he stepped out of the car to open the door for her.

‘I love cats,’ he said. ‘I’ve made some inquiries and apparently there’s no problem taking a cat back to the States as long as it’s certified and checked. Do you think Tuz might be a good cat for me?’

‘Tuz is still a bit nervous,’ Lily explained. ‘I’m not sure how he’d be around your kids. I’ve got some cats in my apartment that are very settled and affectionate. Would you like to see them sometime?’

Scott glanced up at the building and she realised that he was keen to see them now. She invited him in, wondering what he’d think about the apartment’s funky décor.

Lily opened the door and turned on the light, catching Mamochka making her way from the litter box in the bathroom. She froze and stared at them like a deer caught in a car’s headlights.

‘What a beautiful cat!’ Scott said.

Lily was about to warn him not to touch Mamochka, but Scott had scooped the cat into his arms before she could speak. Lily’s adrenalin surged. She was sure their next stop would be the hospital emergency room after Mamochka had bitten off Scott’s thumb. But to her surprise Mamochka returned the adoring expression that Scott was bestowing on her. It was love at first sight.

‘Huh!’ Lily said, amazed. ‘I think Mamochka has chosen her new home!’

‘Can I take her now?’ Scott asked, playing with Mamochka’s paw.

Lily smiled. ‘It’s best that I bring her to you. That way she won’t feel I’ve abandoned her.’

‘When?’

He was like a child waiting for Santa Claus, Lily thought. ‘Sunday,’ she said. ‘I’ll bring her over to your place.’

After Scott left, Mamochka kept her eyes on the door as if hoping that he might reappear. Lily bent down and patted her. ‘What a lucky cat you are, Mamochka. You’re getting a second chance at life. You’ve found a good man who will adore you forever.’

As Lily changed for bed, she thought again about the letter her mother had written. Her parents had suffered tragedies but had found love again. Maybe second chances do come, she thought as she drifted off to sleep.

In the early hours of the morning, Lily received the call she’d been dreading. As the weather turned colder, Natasha had grown weaker, and there were more days when she couldn’t get out of bed. Doctor Pesenko told Lily and Oksana that while good nutrition and care had improved Natasha’s quality of life over the past few months, the X-rays showed her heart had worsened.

‘It’s time,’ the night matron from the hospital told Lily now. ‘You’d better come. The priest has already seen her.’

Lily knocked on Oksana’s door, then remembered that after bringing home the cats from the building site, her friend had gone out again to feed other colonies in the area. Lily slipped a note under her door and then caught a taxi to the hospital, taking Laika with her.

‘I’m afraid she’s reached the end now,’ the night matron told Lily. ‘But in many ways that’s a blessing. She was cheerful after your visit last night then began to fade after the shift change.’

Lily found Natasha dozing. Every so often her eyes would flicker open and then close again. Laika jumped up on the bed and lay her head on Natasha’s shoulder. At first Natasha recognised them: she gave Lily a calm smile and stroked Laika’s head. But gradually her lucidity diminished. It was as if her spirit was transcending her body and preparing to take flight. Lily had seen it before: she had stayed with Adam and her grandmother until their passing. There was no need for words at this stage; Natasha knew she and Laika were there.

Lily held Natasha’s hand in her own and stayed beside her until the sun peeped through the blinds and Polina appeared at her side. The matron checked Natasha’s vitals and squeezed Lily’s shoulder. ‘It won’t be long now. Her pulse and breathing are slowing. Is there anything you would like me to do?’

‘She’s not in pain, is she?’

‘No,’ Polina assured her. ‘We’ve made sure of that. She’s not struggling; she’s simply fading.’

‘If you could call Oksana, I’d appreciate that,’ Lily said. ‘She was out last night and I couldn’t tell her. I’m not sure if she saw my note.’

‘She called just now,’ Polina said, squeezing Lily’s shoulder again. ‘She’s on her way.’

Polina left and Lily continued her vigil. She thought about the day she’d first seen Natasha in Pushkin Square, and about the bombing. Then she remembered the moment in Novodevichy Cemetery when Natasha had refused to speak to Valentin. She could see clearly the wisdom in Natasha’s decision not to disturb him. Love lasted beyond the physical life; Natasha would always be with Valentin.

Suddenly the old woman’s chest rose high and sank quickly again. There was a sense of quiet in the room, even though there was a television playing down the hall and the sounds of breakfast being prepared in the kitchen. Lily leaned forward and realised that Natasha was no longer breathing.

Laika lifted her eyes to look at Lily but didn’t move from her position.

‘Your mistress has gone,’ Lily whispered to her, ‘but her love for you will always remain.’

She leaned over and put her arms around both Natasha and Laika. She kissed Natasha’s forehead and saw her as a young pilot again, taxiing down the runway before soaring into the sky.

N
atasha’s funeral was held in a small church not far from the hospital. Polina had put Oksana and Lily in contact with a Russian Orthodox priest who was willing to officiate over a cremation — because Natasha had left them with a specific request about what she wanted done with her ashes.

It was a sunny but icy-cold day and the mourners who gathered around the church door were wrapped in coats, scarves and gloves. Oksana and Lily had brought Laika, and Doctor Pesenko, Polina and two other nurses who had cared for Natasha were there too. Lily was about to go into the church when she saw Luka arrive in the Yelchin Veterinary Hospital’s van. The sight of him lifted her spirits but she wondered why he had brought the van instead of his car. Then he opened the doors and Lily saw that he had six elderly ladies with him all carrying bunches of red carnations. She recognised Alina from Natasha’s apartment building and assumed that the other women were also residents.

Seeing Alina reminded Lily that Natasha was being farewelled as Zinaida Rusakova. When she had explained this to Polina she’d been relieved that the matron didn’t even raise an eyebrow. In a country of revolutions, purges and wars that had left millions orphaned, widowed, separated from their families or suffering trauma, there could be any number of reasons for going by one name while being cremated under another.

Lily went with Oksana to help the old women into the church. ‘Thank you,’ she said to Luka. ‘I didn’t know Oksana had organised for you to bring the ladies.’

Luka smiled. ‘You should know that when there is a task to be done there’s no one better than Oksana to find the right person to do it.’

Despite the heaviness in her heart, Lily managed to smile back.

When everyone was seated inside the church, the priest began the ceremony by singing prayers and waving a censer. Lily’s eyes drifted to Natasha in her coffin. She knew that what she was seeing was only a shell; the spark that animated human life was gone. And what a spark Natasha had possessed! She’d been courageous and strong-willed until the end.

Lily remembered what it had been like to touch Adam’s body after his heart had stopped beating. The nurses had allowed her and Shirley to sit with him until the time finally came to take him away. When she’d seen his coffin at the funeral she couldn’t grasp that the man who had been so full of life was now silent and shut away in a box. That was how she felt about Natasha now, and the idea of it made her weep. Oksana put her arm around her and Luka sent her a sympathetic glance.

The mourners formed a guard of honour as Natasha’s coffin, covered in red carnations, was driven away to the crematorium. The old women wept but Lily cried the hardest. The ceremony had been different from the lavish State funeral with all its pomp, but Lily knew that Natasha would have preferred this one. She and Oksana had arranged everything as if Natasha had truly been their relative; and had done everything with love, including washing Natasha’s body and dressing her in white. Medals and glory hadn’t meant much to Natasha; love had meant everything.

Doctor Pesenko hosted the wake at his apartment in the Arbat. As Oksana drove through the streets of the quarter, Lily stared at the buildings and stores and imagined Natasha as a young woman, looking in the windows and fixing her hair.

Doctor Pesenko’s mother had made
blintzes
, crepe-like pancakes filled with sweet cheese that were traditional at funerals, and everyone gathered in the living room to eat them. Although Lily was sad, she enjoyed listening to Alina and the women talking about ‘Zina’ and her dogs.

‘Mushka was my favourite,’ said one of the women. ‘She bit my husband on the backside once. She knew he was a good-for-nothing drunkard!’

The story brought laughter from the other women.

Lily went to the kitchen to help Doctor Pesenko’s mother with the tea and found Oksana and Luka talking there.

‘Oksana’s been telling me about all the cats you have in your apartment now,’ Luka said, with a twinkle in his eye that warmed Lily’s heart.

‘Not for long,’ Lily replied. ‘Laika and Pushkin will stay with me, but Scott and his wife have found homes for all the others.’

‘We should have enlisted them earlier,’ said Oksana. ‘That couple are a godsend!’

Lily took the teacups out on a tray to the women. When she returned to the kitchen, Luka was preparing to leave. He kissed her and Oksana on the cheeks.

‘I’ve got a hip replacement to perform on a Rottweiler this afternoon,’ he said. ‘The dog’s in a lot of pain and I couldn’t postpone it.’

As he walked to the door, Oksana grabbed his arm. ‘Now that Scott has found homes for the cats Lily’s been looking after, I want to re-do her apartment. It’s time to strip that old wallpaper and paint everything white. Lily can add her own dashes of colour with cushions and lamps.’

Lily lifted her eyebrows. It sounded wonderful but Oksana hadn’t mentioned these plans to her.

‘Lily and I can do all the painting,’ Oksana continued. ‘But there are these terrible tiles in the kitchen that will be difficult to chip off. Your uncle told me that you did the remodelling of your apartment yourself? Perhaps you can come over to show us what to do?’

Lily felt herself blush. Luka had been right: Oksana was good at finding the right person for the task. But she knew that this enlistment had another purpose. That’s why her heart skipped a beat when Luka replied, ‘I’d love to. Just call me and let me know when you need my help.’

‘That wasn’t half obvious,’ Lily said to Oksana after they’d shut the apartment door.

‘Well, it’s up to you now,’ Oksana replied with a grin. ‘You can’t expect me to do all the work.’

The Sunday after the funeral, Lily experienced a beautiful dream. She found herself sitting at a long table outside a dacha. The house faced a lake and was surrounded by a vegetable garden brimming with cucumbers, onions and beets, and bordered by beds of pink and red asters, tulips and chrysanthemums. At the table sat everyone Lily had ever loved, those who were living and those who had died. Her grandmother glowed with good health and strength. Lily’s parents flanked her, looking blissfully relaxed. Adam was there too, strong and tanned as he’d always been before he got sick. Lily looked up to find a young Natasha sitting opposite her and pouting her perfectly made-up red lips. Even Lily’s old cat Honey was there, rubbing everyone’s legs under the table. Vitaly and Irina appeared along with Betty and her siblings, and Oksana and Luka came out of the house carrying platters of sliced watermelon and peaches. Out of the woods emerged people Lily had never met but somehow recognised: a handsome man with ginger hair, and two little girls with white bows on their heads.

She was filled with joy, which didn’t leave her even when she awoke and stared at the ceiling. She didn’t know how it was possible, but she understood that every person she’d loved and who had died was still with her, living alongside her.

Later that day, she walked to the metro station, intending to visit some of the stations she hadn’t seen before. She still felt exhausted with grief over Natasha, but inside her a sensation of buoyancy stirred, something she could not remember experiencing before. Even before Adam had got sick, she’d never felt so weightless. It was as if she’d stepped away from the tragic family history that had haunted her and into a plane of light.

She’d just taken a seat on the train when a caramel-coloured dog entered the carriage and jumped up onto the seat opposite her. He lay his head on his paws and fell asleep. The commuters stepped around him to avoid waking him up.

The woman sitting next to Lily looked around with a concerned expression on her face. ‘That dog must have got separated from his owner,’ she said. She had an Australian accent and obviously hoped someone in the carriage understood English. ‘We’d better call the guard or they’ll never find him again. He could end up anywhere.’

‘He’s a metro dog,’ Lily told her.

‘A what?’ asked the woman, looking surprised to find a fellow Australian sitting next to her.

‘A stray,’ Lily explained. ‘You often see them on the trains, and some people swear they know exactly where they’re going. Sometimes a guard shoos them away, or a cruel person kicks them or gives them a poisoned sandwich. But most of the time people either feed them or let them be.’

The woman looked flabbergasted and Lily giggled. The woman was so Australian — used to order, public safety and rules. In Russia, those things contradicted each other. Lily wondered whether she was more Russian than Australian now. She looked at the dog again. A woman in a leopard-print coat took a sausage from her shopping bag. She snapped it into pieces with her manicured fingers and fed it to the dog.

Russia was all contrasts, Lily thought: breathtaking beauty alongside hideousness; it was brutal yet compassionate; shabby yet grand. It was a country of traumas that ran so deep they were passed from one generation to another. Even Lily, born in Australia, hadn’t been left untouched by the gaps in her family tree. But perhaps Russia had shown her how to stand up again after receiving a blow; and that no amount of evil could obliterate hope.

Lily remembered what Oksana had said when she and Lily had taken Natasha to see Doctor Pesenko. She’d told Lily that she believed the dying animals that came to her were angels in disguise, because in caring for them she found they left her with a gift.

Is this Natasha’s gift to me, Lily wondered. This sense of renewal?

Lily saw Luka walking towards her along Tverskoy Boulevard and rose from the wrought-iron bench she’d been sitting on. ‘I’m glad you could come,’ she told him. ‘I want to show you the house where my grandfather lived.’

She pointed to the yellow-and-white mansion opposite and invited Luka to sit down next to her.

‘It’s magnificent!’ he said. ‘And they’ve restored it beautifully.’

‘The exterior only. Unfortunately the interior’s now ultra-modern.’

‘Still,’ said Luka, ‘at least the whole thing hasn’t been torn down like in other parts of the city.’

‘I thought you’d like to see it,’ Lily said, loosening her scarf. Despite the snow that had started to fall she was feeling very warm. ‘I know you like history.’

‘I love this whole area,’ he said. ‘When Napoleon invaded, the French soldiers pitched their tents here and hanged any Russian resisters from the lampposts. They cut down the trees for firewood. But when the French retreated, the Muscovites restored their beloved boulevard to its former glory.’

Lily looked at the house again. ‘I’d like my parents to come and visit me here — I want my mother to see it for herself. But she’s too afraid.’

‘Really?’ Luka looked at her with interest.

Lily explained about the trip her parents had made in 1969 to smuggle her grandmother out of Russia.

‘What a story!’ he exclaimed. ‘But your mother’s fear is common among Russian émigrés, especially after what went on here during the Stalin years.’

Lily thought of Natasha and flinched.

Luka nudged her. ‘I can think of a way to get your parents to come here for sure.’

‘Is that so?’ Lily asked, curious to hear what Luka was about to suggest.

He put his arm around the back of the bench behind her. ‘Well, say for instance you were to meet this Russian guy who really liked you and who you liked. If your parents are anything like mine, I’m sure they’d want to meet him right away.’

Lily shifted in her seat. ‘I thought we might go slow,’ she said. ‘This is a big step for me.’

‘I know it is,’ said Luka, looking at his lap. Then he turned to her again, a bright smile on his face. ‘But it isn’t for me. I figure if you know someone is right for you, you know.’

‘Is that how you feel?’ Lily asked him.

He nodded and gazed at her intently.

I’m not fighting this any longer, Lily told herself. When Luka kissed her she didn’t pull away. His lips were as beautiful to kiss as she’d imagined they would be.

‘Well,’ she said afterwards, ‘now that my parents are coming to Moscow, you’d better help me fix up my apartment.’

Luka looked into her eyes. ‘I intend to. There’s nothing that us gay guys can’t do!’

Lily punched his arm. ‘You’re never going to let me forget that, are you?’

He shook his head and grinned. ‘No, it’s the story I intend to tell our grandchildren about how we met.’

Lily laughed. Luka took her hand and together they walked towards the metro. She stopped for one last glance at her grandfather’s house, and thought about Adam and about her mother’s words:
… you don’t leave your first love behind when you meet someone else. You carry him with you always — in your heart. But it is possible to live in both worlds — with your past love and your new one — and still be true to both.

She turned to Luka and smiled. It’s going to be okay, she told herself, with a conviction that penetrated every bone and muscle in her body. Everything’s going to be great. I’ve got an adventure ahead of me and I intend to live it.