Salem's Sight (15 page)

“
What’s wrong, honey?
What’s the matter? You know I can’t help you unless you talk about
it.”

I got up from the chair and threw my
arms around her. I didn’t matter that she kept harping on the past.
It didn’t matter that she wasn’t there in the car with me when I
needed her most. I had to stop blaming her. If she had been there,
then she’d be dead too. And I couldn’t handle that.

I didn’t want to tell her, but it was
the only way. I had to start being honest no matter what. Then
maybe she’d be honest with me too. Like the way we were
before.

“
It wasn’t the accident,” I
sobbed. “What I saw was the future.” This had to work. Maybe if she
knew what was coming she’d be more aware and we’d be able to
prevent it.

“
Like the fire? Is
something else like that going to happen in town? Another
fire?”

So innocent. She didn’t have the
nightmare filling her head the way it was filling mine. “No Mom,
it’s a shooting,” The words oozed out but mingled with my sobs so I
wasn’t sure she’d heard me.

Her body stiffened and I watched her
fear solidify. “At school? Did you see this happening at school?”
She was afraid for the wrong reasons and for the wrong people. So
typical Mom, once again afraid for me. Now I wasn’t so sure my
telling her would do any good.

“
I don’t know where or
when. I only know … it’s you, Mom. I saw you get shot.” As soon as
the words emerged I completely fell into fits of sobs.

For some strange reason she seemed to
relax. I couldn’t though.

“
Oh, Salem, no honey,
that’s not the future you’re seeing. Don’t be afraid. It’s normal
when you lose one parent to be afraid of losing the other. I know
because I’ve been there. When my father died…” She shook her head
like she’d just gained some great insight.

“
My relationship with my
mother changed after my father died. At first it was sort of the
way you and I have been dancing around each other. We suffered
apart rather than together. Then she came down with the flu and she
seemed so sick I was sure I was going to lose her too. After that
we were closer than ever. Now I know you’ve had some strange
experiences lately, but what you had last night was just a bad
dream.”

“
But you’re not psychic,
Mom. That’s the difference. My sure is really sure. It’s not just a
feeling.” I held on to her tighter hoping she’d believe me. What I
wouldn’t give for it to be nothing more than a child’s
nightmare.

“
I do believe you are
psychic, obviously you’ve proved that. But not every bad dream is a
premonition. And it’s normal for you to have dreams like that one
now. Trust me.”

There wasn’t any convincing her so I
composed myself the best I could. “Just promise to be extra
careful, okay?”

“
I will if you will.” She
held up her little finger and we pinky promised. We hadn’t done
that since I was a little kid and it was the closest we’d been in a
long, long time.

She thought it was a harmless dream.
Only a dream and a vision were two entirely different things. I
knew the distinction between them now. Knew it with a
certainty.

It was like looking at a math problem
on a state test, the kind of problem you hadn’t learned yet. You
knew there was a solution, but didn’t know how to go about figuring
it out. Only this was one problem I had to find an answer to. I had
to find a way to save her. I just had to.

****

To make matters worse drivers’
education classes started after school. Berkley and I sat together
and she was so thrilled to be there, I didn’t have the heart to
tell her that my heart was breaking.

She knew I wasn’t into it, but more
than likely figured it had to have something to do with my dad’s
death.

They ended the class with a short film
on accidents. I could feel my stomach turning. This was too much.
This was the reason I didn’t want to do this. I closed my eyes and
hoped the instructor wouldn’t notice with the lights shut
off.

When it ended Berkley whispered, “You
okay?” as the lights came back on.

Then the instructor did the
unthinkable.

“
Anyone here ever been in
an accident?” he asked, looking around the room for
volunteers.

A few people raised their hands. One
blonde girl described a fender-bender focusing on the sound. She
talked about the tires squealing, the metal crunching.

Then a tough-looking guy described
flipping over the hood of a car when he hit it with his dirt bike.
As he spoke of it I felt my body begin to fly then the abrupt halt
of the seat belt cutting in to me. “Daddy?” My own voice echoed in
my memory. Terror grasped hold and increased as the silence
stretched.

“
It was awesome,” the
wannabe thug said with an ‘I’m so cool’ laugh jerking me out of my
reverie.

I wanted to hit him in the face for
being so stupid and callous. He was making a mockery of the film,
the class, of… of… Before I knew what I was doing I stood up fists
balled at my sides.

“
I was in an accident last
year. We were hit by a drunk driver and my dad was killed
instantly.” The words came out in a rush and I took in a big gulp
of air at the end of it.

A hush stilled the room as I stood
there recognizing feelings I’d never admitted to having. “Getting
into a car is such a common everyday thing that you don’t think
about it. You take it for granted when you step into a car that
you’ll be stepping out of it the same way.”

I stopped and took a long breath in
through the nose. “I didn’t get to step out though, I had to be
pulled out. The door was smashed in so they had to use the jaws of
life. I thought it would break me in half and I thought I was going
to…” My voice cracked and I stopped for a second to compose
myself.

“
I’d never really known
what it was like to be scared before. Not really. I mean, you have
a nightmare when you’re a little kid, you see a scary movie. But
it’s not real fear. Real fear…” I shook my head because I wasn’t
sure how to describe it.

“
I’d been calling to my dad
but he didn’t answer. I knew it was bad, but I kept hoping. While I
was conscious I hoped. I kept thinking if he could hear me he’d
hang on but it was so hard to focus.”

The class remained riveted and I
couldn’t seem to stop. It was like vomiting when you have the
stomach flu, when you just keep heaving until there’s nothing left.
Dr. Martin would have been proud.

“
The sound of the sirens
was the loudest thing I’ve ever heard in my life. I didn’t know I
had a concussion, but my head was splitting and I thought I was
going to hurl. The noise was so, so loud and then I heard one of
the paramedics say softly, ‘The driver’s gone.’ That was how I
found out my dad was dead.”

I saw it in their faces. What I had
said left a bigger impact than the stupid fake film they showed. It
looked like there was a purpose to me being there in the class
after all. As much as the teacher felt bad for me, you could see at
the same time he was thrilled the message hit home. Cars weren’t
toys and even if you were careful, there was still danger
involved.

Mr. ‘it was awesome’ lost his grin and
said, “I’m sorry” out loud.

I nodded to him. “It’s okay, I didn’t
mean to spill like this. I’ve sort of been holding it in.” And it
was true. It might have been a weird place for it to happen, but it
had to come out. I had to actually say the words. I’d skated around
it with Dr. Martin, but hadn’t actually discussed the accident in
detail.

“
Thank you so much for
sharing your experience, Salem. I’m sure it must have been
difficult,” our instructor Mr. Ordway said.

I sat down and looked back to Berkley.
Tears were running down her face. I grabbed her hand and squeezed
it. “I think it actually helped,” I whispered to her. “Really, I’m
fine.”

Okay, so now the entire school would
know and I’d have to deal with the pity thing, but the fact was it
happened and nothing would ever erase that. I was different because
of it. I’d lost my spoiled little girl innocence and grew up a
little bit earlier than I would have.

But ultimately, that’s what it’s all
about. Facing facts. Learning that there is no perfect time, that
adults don’t have it easier, and that you’d gladly stay young if
you could get back the illusion that Daddy could keep you
safe.

If my little oration made some of them
a little more aware when they started driving, all the better. I
still didn’t think I’d ever be able to get behind the wheel myself,
but I was glad I took the class.

CHAPTER
thirteen

There’d been whispers and some finger
pointing after the driving class, but for the most part it wasn’t
as bad as I thought it would be. Somehow we managed to get through
the whole session and go on with business as usual. A few of the
more grisly minded who heard the story second hand came right out
and asked me about it. I gave them the same pat answers I gave
after the accident and pulled back my hair to one side to show the
remnants of my little scar.

I was like the female Harry Potter.
The girl who lived.

Stupid really the way people reacted
when they realized everyone else in an accident bought it but you.
And to be honest, there are times when I wonder if my living hadn’t
been so accidental. Like maybe there was a purpose.

It wasn’t on my mind at the moment
though. I was just waiting for Berkley, watching out my bedroom
window when I saw her mom’s car drive up.

The surprising thing was Berkley got
out the driver’s side. Well that settled that question. I wondered
when she’d get her permit, but I figured it’d take longer to set up
an appointment.

Berkley’s mom stepped out of the
passenger’s side and shakily walked around the car. Even from the
window it was obvious she wasn’t as confident in her daughter’s
driving skills as Berkley was.

Berkley gave her mother a big hug as
she handed off the keys and ran toward the house like a kid. Her
mom slipped in the car and was still sitting there when Berkley
burst into the room shrieking, “I did it.”

“
I saw you drive up. Good
job, I didn’t even know it wasn’t your mom until I saw you get out
of the car.”

She flopped down on the crummy old
beanbag chair and stretched out her arms and legs while her head
hung back. “I don’t get it. I drove really slowly, but the car
could have been in neutral for all she noticed. She was still
terrified.”

She lifted her head so she could see
me while she spoke. “I don’t get it because I know she trusts me
and she knows how responsible I am.”

I couldn’t believe she still didn’t
comprehend. Berkley was smarter than that. She should have
understood it was the other guy her mother was afraid of. But for
some reason she didn’t, so I changed the subject.

“
So, was it difficult? The
road test, I mean.” As I said it I tried to imagine getting in the
driver’s side and turning the key. My stomach lunged just thinking
about it.

“
I did well. Really well.
The guy that took me out said I was very conscientious.” She smiled
but it was fleeting and replaced by a look I knew too well. She
looked down toward my bedspread and started picking at a piece of
lint. “I’m sorry, Salem. I never should have forced you to take
that class.”

“
It’s okay, really.” She’d
apologized a million times since that first class and I kept trying
to reassure her without getting into a big drawn out discussion,
but it looked like the only way she’d stop was if we actually
talked it out.

“
No, it’s not,” she
interrupted. “I understood about the accident. I knew you lost your
dad, but still, it wasn’t real until you started talking in class.
I felt sick listening to the details of what happened, so I can’t
imagine how you live with it day to day.” Her eyes filled with
liquid guilt.

“
A lot of people you know
lost someone they love. People die every day.” And it was the
truth. I hadn’t cornered the market on loss.

“
It’s not the same as when
it’s an accident and you’re in the car with them when it
happens.”

She was right in one way but wrong in
another. I mean each situation is different, but in each case you
still end up losing someone you love. “Maybe. I’m not sure. Who’s
to say it’s any better to watch a parent suffer for months just to
watch them wither away.” Death sucked no matter how it
happened.

“
Are you talking about
Robby?” She sat up a bit, alert, watching my reactions.

“
Sure. Him and everyone
else in the same situation. I mean it doesn’t matter how it
happens. Gone is gone and there’s always regrets no matter
what.”

And that was the point. There was no
preparing for death. Robby might have had a head’s up, but he was
no more prepared for the finality of it than I was.

“
I guess so. I just feel
crappy that I pushed you to take the class.”

I could help her here and it made me
feel good. “I’m actually glad you did. In a strange sort of way it
was healing. My shrink was thrilled.” And he had been. Proud that
is. He considered it a breakthrough.