Ryder's Redemption (Badboy Rockers #2) (15 page)

NINETEEN

Ryder

The knocking at the door won’t stop.

At first I wonder if Deklan has locked himself out, then remember that he’s stashed a key. He’d said he had errands to run and would be back before dinner.

Maybe Ange or Kenzie? No, they were having a family potluck over at Brooke’s house.

I bury my head under my pillow and wait for the person to go away.

They don’t.

Instead, the knocking continues and grows louder by the second.

Maybe Deklan has misplaced the stash key.

That, or a neighbor is being a dick. Great, just what I needed on top of everything else.

I pull my jeans on and walk toward the door.

Taking a look in the mirror, I run a hand through my hair and yank the door open.

My mother’s frown pierces my soul.

She is the last person I expect to come knocking at my door.

“Joshua.”

Aside from my grandmother and teachers, she’s the only person who calls me by my given name.

Her gaze shifts slowly over my body and back up again, coming to a stop at the tattoo on my upper arm. “Oh, you didn’t.” The disgust and disappointment is evident in her expression and voice.

“Good morning to you too, Mom.”

“Actually, it’s afternoon.” She flashes a too tight smile my way while she gazes past me. She’s dying to get in, no doubt so she can inspect and tell me everything that is wrong with the place.

“It has come to my attention that you have fallen off the wagon…again.”

Who the hell would have told her that?

“I’ve been clean for two days. Actually, almost three.”

“Oh wow, Joshua. Three whole days. Perhaps I should buy you a medal. Seventy-two hours without abusing your body with narcotics. What an amazing accomplishment.”

“Thanks for the encouragement.” I try to remember the years when she wasn’t a sarcastic, keeping up with the Joneses cold bitch. She had been kind at one time, right? It hadn’t been my drug-addled mind just wishing it to make me feel better.

Her eyelids close and she takes a long, steadying breath. “I do not understand what happened in your life that makes you think you need to take drugs to get through a day. My God, Joshua…you didn’t even make it two weeks without using again.”

I feel a sense of anger toward whomever it was who had told her this information. What the hell?

“Please tell me what it is that is so tough about your life that you feel you must use narcotics?” She actually taps her foot. “Hmmm?”

Part of it might be my unfeeling, insensitive mother who cares more about her status in the community than her own family.
How badly I want to say the words, but I don’t want to deal with the tirade that would follow.

Not wanting my neighbors to be privy to our conversation, I ask, “Do you want to come in?”

She hesitates and glances past me into the hallway once more. She’s not fooling me for a second.

“I’m alone.”

Staring at my tattoo, she passes by me, muttering something unintelligible under her breath.

I offer her a seat on the couch and excuse myself long enough to put on a t-shirt, brush my teeth, and wash my face. When I walk into the room, she’s examining a picture of Kenzie and Deklan that had been taken at the county fair just weeks before. “A beautiful girl.”

“Yes, she is.” I grab the coffee pot out of the cradle and fill it with water. “Would you like some coffee?”

She sets the picture back down and crosses her arms over her chest.

“No, thank you.”

I set the coffee pot in the sink and instead grab a bottle of water out of the fridge, and again, offer her one.

She shakes her head.

“Your father suggested I drop by and see you. We have options for you.”

How typical that my father would have ideas, but it would be my mother to deliver the news. Some things never changed, and in my household they never would. My mother wore the pants in the family.

Not waiting for me to ask what the plans were, she continues. “There is a rehabilitation facility in Bellingham that we have checked into and it takes your father’s insurance plan.”

“Bellingham. Isn’t that like five hours away?”

“Four, actually. Your father and I both feel that being around Vancouver and your friends would make it difficult for your recovery.”

“My friends aren’t the problem.
I’m
the problem, Mom.”

“Be that as it may, Joshua, we feel it would be easiest for you to recover at a location
away
from Vancouver. You don’t need the temptation of getting in a car and driving a couple of hours to get here. That’s just plain dangerous and out of the question.”

“I want to be near family and friends. This is home. This is where I need to be to recover.”

She sniffs. “Out of the question.”

Once again she isn’t listening to a word I say.

“I don’t need rehab anyway. I’m going to—”

“You were kicked out of your band yet again, Joshua. You are burning bridges. How will you get through life if you continually expect everyone to just look the other way whenever you do something wrong?”

“Burning bridges?”

“Yes, Joshua. You are burning bridges. Do you not realize that?”

Just her tone has me on edge. In fact, I am shaking and she knows it. She glances at my hand. I clench my fist and force myself to calm down. “How is it that you seem to know so much about what’s happening in my life?”

She actually shifts on her feet but keeps her gaze steady. “I dropped by the home where you had been living with Deklan and spoke to Curtis. My goodness, that boy’s hair is horrendous. I can only imagine how difficult it is to clean those—what is it that you call them—dreadlocks.” She shakes her head. “Anyway, he told me you had moved out with Deklan and seemed shocked you had not told me. I am surprised by Deklan as well. Normally he keeps me apprised of everything.”

I feel a huge sense of relief knowing the information had come by way of Curtis and not Deklan.

“I’m getting clean, Mom.” It isn’t a lie. I haven’t had drugs since the day before yesterday, and now, after her visit, I am even more determined to get clean.

“We’ve heard that before, Joshua.”

“Thanks for your visit, Mom.” I stand and take a controlling breath. “I have work today.”

“At the tattoo parlor downstairs?” She lifts her brow. “Soon I’m sure you’ll be covered with them…just like your best friend. I adore Deklan. You know I do, but what compels a person to cover themselves in ink?” She gives a shudder. “Repulsive.”

Get the fuck out.
I want to scream the words. Instead, I walk toward the door, giving her no choice but to follow me.

“I don’t think you understand. Your father and I have already put a deposit down on the facility in Bellingham—”

“Mom, I didn’t ask for your help with this. In fact, you told me to get out of your house until I could piss clean.”

She lifts her chin two inches. “I’m teaching you responsibility, Joshua.”

I have a dozen retorts and yet I keep my mouth shut. She is brimming with anger and I wonder why. What happened in her life that she’s so fucking miserable, that even now, when she is facing her oldest son, she can show so little emotion?

My heart is pounding so hard, I’m surprised it’s not flying right out of my chest. “I appreciate the offer. I honestly do…but I’m doing this my way. Deklan is helping, and so is my band, and Kenzie and Ange.”

She frowns. “Who is Ange?”

“A really great girl,” I say, wishing she were here right now. “Someone you would actually approve of.” Most of all because she came from money and my mom was all about the money. “And she’s taking me for some holistic treatments.”

“Holistic?” Her brow lifts, along with the side of her lip. “Honestly, honey. I think you’re bound for failure. You’ll never do it alone.”

“Thanks for the vote of confidence, Mom.”

“If we can’t get the money refunded, I’ll be adding it to the list of money you owe your father and I.”

“What list?”

She had a list of the money I had borrowed through my life? Hell, I had just graduated from high school. “Never mind.”

She scrunches her nose. “Is that mildew I smell?”

“It’s an older building. I love it here.”

“How can you afford it…or dare I ask?”

“I’m working for rent.” Granted, Deklan paid the majority of all the bills right now, but I was doing my best to pay him back, and I was determined to pay him back. “I have a job.”

“No college then?”

“Maybe one day.”

Clearing her throat, she gives me a bored look. “You’ll probably be hearing from your father.”

“He can call me anytime, Mom.”

I half expect her to say her door would be open at any time, but there was no talk about me coming home. Not that I want to. It’s just sobering to know that this is how things with my mom would end.

What if I’d been a truly awful kid? It’s not like I hadn’t done my part around the house. I’d spent a decade mowing the yard every Saturday. Well, before Deklan had arrived on the scene and taken over most of the chores.

She brushes a lock of my hair behind my ear. “Your hair is getting too long, dear. You look scruffy.”

Her touch feels foreign to me. She had never been a hugger or overly affectionate. My grandma’s hugs—now you felt the love. No one hugged like her. Just thinking of my grandma made me realize how much I had disappointed her … and everyone else who loved and cared about me.

I had a lot of making up to do.

“Well, goodbye, Joshua.”

“Goodbye, Mom,” I say to her retreating back.

I close the door and stand with my head against the wood, listening until her steps fade in the distance. She feels like a stranger to me.

If my own mother didn’t believe in me and my ability to get clean without a rehab center, then it was up to me to change everyone’s mind.

I pick up my phone and call Ange.

She doesn’t answer, and I immediately wonder if she is out with Cole. After all, Payton left first thing today to head home.

I also wonder what had happened the other night after I walked her home. She had been honest to me about Cole—how they had fooled around, and how she had felt guilty about it afterward. I’d had to grit my teeth when I thought about how he’d used her, and then I thought of all the women who would like to have their boyfriends beat the shit out of me.

Maybe it was karma for all the crap I had pulled in my time.

All I know is that I feel like a better person because Ange is in my life. Seeing things through her eyes gives me a better perspective of what I want. She knows what she wants, and she is determined to go after it.

And her parents…they sound a bit obnoxious and completely anal about controlling her life, but then again, I wonder what it would feel like to have someone care so much that they were determined to give you the best life possible.

I sit in the nearest chair and finish off the water. In the past forty-eight hours I’ve heard and seen my family and my best friend on the planet tell me I need help.

Ange had said she’d help.

I punch in her phone number and send a text.

Me: I NEED YOUR HELP!

The phone immediately rings. “Ryder, are you okay?”

My throat is tight. “Not really.”

“Are you at home?”

I hear the alarm in her voice, and in the background I hear Kenzie. I’ve scared them and that wasn’t my intention. “Yes. I just…you know that offer to help me. The things your mom did to help her with sleeping.”

“Yes.”

“I’d like to try something that might take the edge off.”

“I’ll be there in forty-five minutes, okay?”

Within two minutes, the phone rings and it’s Deklan. “Ryder, what’s going on?”

Of course Kenzie would call him.

Oddly, just hearing his voice makes me want to cry. “My mom dropped by.”

“What did she want?”

“She said she reserved a place at a rehab center for me.”

He’s silent for a second. “Rehab…where?”

“In Bellingham.”

“What? Why Bellingham? You’d be so far away.”

“I told her I wouldn’t go. I mean, I can’t.”

“It’s okay, Ryder. I’ll be there in ten. I’m over at Mr. Cavendish’s.”

That’s right. He had told me the old neighbor had been after him to move a couple of plants from the front yard to the back. Always good on his word, Deklan had followed through.

Just like he always did.

“Don’t worry about it. Ange will be here in a few.”

“I don’t want you alone.”

I smile, grateful I have him in my life. “Deklan, I’m okay. I swear.”

There’s another long pause. “I’m almost done. Why don’t you wait there with Ange until I get back, and we can go together.”

Tears roll down my cheeks and I wipe them away with the back of my hand. He’s the best man I know, and I’ve been a complete asshole to him.

Oh my God, I fucking need help. I’m desperate for it. This is something I can’t just snap my fingers at to make it go away, but I need it to. “I’m alright. I’m going to take a shower and go off with Ange.”

“You sure?”

“I’m sure. Thanks, Deklan.”

TWENTY

Ange

I take the steps to Ryder’s apartment two at a time, and when he meets me at the door I’m surprised to find him looking okay. I hadn’t known what to expect when I’d received that text, and then hearing his voice. He hadn’t sounded right.

Behind me, Kenzie actually breathes a sigh of relief.

“Just the person I wanted to see.”

“Really?”

“I have something planned for us,” I say, and Ryder’s eyes immediately light up.

“I’m all yours.”

“Bring a suit.”

He frowns. “We’re going swimming?”

I grin. “You’ll see.”

“Deklan wants me to stay here and wait for him,” Kenzie interjects.

“Sounds good. We’ll see you when we get back,” I say, and taking Ryder by the hand we head toward his car.

He tosses me the keys. “You drive.”

I don’t know if that’s the smartest idea, given the fact I’ve never driven in Portland before, and particularly downtown Portland, but I’m not about to argue with him.

I get into the driver’s side of his car, put on my seatbelt, and turn the engine on. His mind is somewhere else already. He’s spacing off, biting his lip and staring at the dash. I want to ask him what had happened to make him call me, but I don’t want to pry. He was reaching out to me and that was enough.

“You’ll have to help me with directions.”

I focus on making sure I don’t drive down the one-way roads that are so prominent in every downtown area. Vancouver is no exception. I cut a lady off and she lays on her horn.

I wince and Ryder laughs under his breath.

“You sure you don’t want to drive?” I ask.

He shakes his head. “Nope, you’re doing great.”

My mom hated driving so much that she had hired a chauffeur…until my father had given her an ultimatum and told her it was the chauffeur or the cook. She couldn’t have both.

The cook had won out. Thank goodness, because my mom couldn’t boil water. At least that’s what my dad said.

“How do I get to Southbound I-5?” I ask, hoping I was headed in the right direction.

“You’ll want to be in the right-hand lane,” he says, motioning to the upcoming light.

I signal and pull into the right-hand lane.

I feel Ryder watching me.

I glance at him and lift a brow. “What?”

“So what happened last night with Cole?”

It’s a question I sort of expected, especially after he’d already asked me about Cole yesterday.

I can feel my cheeks flush. “Nothing. I mean, he’s with Payton and the truth is they’re good together.”

“Are you sad?”

“I don’t know.” I shrug. “Maybe a little. I did like him for what seemed like forever.”

His silence unnerves me a little.

“I’m more concerned about us remaining friends, you know?”

He nods but doesn’t say anything.

“I’m just glad I didn’t sleep with him.” I was surprised to have said the words aloud. Damn, my nervousness had gotten the best of me again and I’d rambled.

“Are you?” He looks relieved.

“Most definitely.”

Ryder flashes a wolfish smile that makes my heart miss a beat. “I think old Cole will always think of you as the one that got away.”

I frown. “Not likely.”

“Trust me, every guy has that one girl that got away.”

I remember how Ryder had looked at Kenzie when I’d first arrived in Vancouver, and how I always thought I’d seen regret there. I wasn’t about to ask him if Kenzie had been the one that had gotten away for him.

“You seem to like everyone, Ange. Even Payton won you over. How does that work?”

“I don’t like everyone,” I say. “For instance, that girl you kept sneaking off with after your concerts got under my skin. Trust me, the two of us will never be friends.”

He actually snorts. “I don’t even remember her name.”

“Amber,” I blurt.

He lifts his brows and smiles.

That is until a Hyundai with a huge dent in its side swerves into my lane. I am able to slide into the left lane before we collide. I lay on the horn and give the punk kid in the car the finger.

Ryder puts his hand over mine and squeezes. “Calm down, girl. You’re going to get us both in trouble if you’re not careful.”

Oh my God, is he serious?

I realize he isn’t as he starts to laugh.

“Focus,” he suggests, and I do focus for the next fifteen minutes that takes us closer to the city center. There are at least four bridges we have to cross to get to our location. Maybe I should have actually located the place on a map before I had committed to it.

It will be so worth it once we get there
, I tell myself as we cross over the highest of the bridges.

Downtown Portland is alive with activity. I overshoot the shop I’m looking for twice before I find a parking spot and parallel park the car like a pro. “Here we are!”

Ryder looks up the city block. “Where are we going?”

I give him a wink. “You’ll see.”

What awaits us inside the Cloud Nine Spa is a sterile looking waiting room. Everything is white. Bright white and chrome, which isn’t exactly the warm welcoming vibe I was hoping for. I want Ryder to be excited about this experience, not be terrified that he was going in for a medical procedure.

A gorgeous redhead with enormous fake boobs walks out from behind a curtain, clipboard in hand. Of course, just my luck...

“Good afternoon,” she says, giving us both a welcoming smile. “Welcome to Cloud Nine Spa. My name is Sienna. Are you both going in?” she asks.

I nod and look at Ryder. “Yes, unless you want to go alone.”

“I don’t know what this is, so I think it’s safe to say I’m okay with you coming along for the ride.”

Sienna glances at me, then hands me a clipboard. “I’ll be right back with another form.”

“Trust me, you’ll love it.”

“Have you done this before?” Ryder asks.

“I’ve done something similar.”

“Of course you have,” Ryder says in a silky soft voice.

“And forgive my bad manners,” Sienna says when she returns with the extra clipboard. She is all business as she asks us to fill out paperwork.

When we finish, she asks both Ryder and me to follow her down a hallway into a room where a water feature gives off a nice sound. “Change into your swimsuits. There are robes there, and when you’re done, meet me in the hallway.”

I hurry up and remove my clothes and scurry into my bikini. I meet Ryder in the hallway. Where I have my towel wrapped tight around my body, his is hanging loosely around his neck.

“Now what?” Ryder asks, looking amused.

“We’re going in a float tank.”

He gives me a questioning look.

“You’ll see…”

Karen steps in with her little promotional spiel about the benefits of the floating pods.

“I’m ready,” Ryder says, rubbing his hands together.

After putting our belongings in storage baskets, we step into a giant looking egg. “The water wasn’t hot tub hot, but comfortable. The salts in the water make it so that you float, so don’t worry about becoming so comfortable that you’ll drown,” Sienna says. “Just allow the water to cradle you, relax, and the pod will dim on its own.”

The water is only a couple of feet deep. I sit down and Ryder does the same, and we both ease onto our backs.

“Relax,” I say, mostly to myself than to him.

“Enjoy!” Sienna says, before shutting the door.

We say nothing to each other, until the light dims and then slowly goes pitch-black.

I reach for Ryder’s hand. My fingers slide through his and I give it a squeeze. In this weightless space I can almost feel his pain…and I want to take it away.

He needs me, and that’s not a situation I have found myself in too many times in my life. I feel honored and humbled that he had called me out of everyone he knew. If we needed to try a hundred different holistic treatments, then that’s what we’d do.

And I was glad I could provide that for him. I thought about my time in Washington and how much fun I’d had, and how many more great days we would have before I left. I was determined that we would get Ryder over the hump before I boarded that plane for San Diego.

When the light in the room turns back on an hour later, we look at each other and smile.

“You’re amazing, you know that?” Ryder says, and the expression on his face surprises me.

Slightly uncomfortable, I laugh, and it’s obviously not the response he’d been expecting because he frowns.

Stepping out of the chamber, Ryder pulls me toward him. He cups my face with his hands and kisses me.

Goose bumps cover my flesh, and it’s not from the cold air.

“Thank you,” he whispers against my lips.

I put my hands over his and pull away just enough to look into his eyes. “You’re welcome.”

Sienna knocks and opens the door a second later, and we pull away from each other.

“How do you feel?” she asks, her eyes bright as she looks from me to Ryder and back again.

“Amazing,” we say at the exact same time.

I brush my hair out and put it in a braid, smiling at the memory of Ryder braiding it not so long ago. I remembered how even back then his touch had done strange things to me.

The boy had magic fingers.

On the way home we talk about our experience in the tank and the strange calm that both of us had felt. There had been a funny moment when he’d admitted to ripping a fart, and I shook my head and laughed.

All in all, I hope more than anything that the floating pod had helped him forget about his addiction and what had been bothering him when he had called me.

“Stay with me tonight?” he asks when I pull up alongside his apartment.

He’s waiting for my reply.

Of course I would stay, especially after the kind of day he’d had. “Sure.”

I could tell by his expression that he had expected me to say no, but was thrilled I’d said yes.

I turn the ignition off and reach for the door but he stops me by leaning over and reaching for my hand. “Thank you for today. You were a real lifeline and I needed that. I needed you.”

My insides tightened. I had never seen him so intense before.

“You’re welcome.” I smile. “It was fun.”

He nods. “It was. I’d like to do it again sometime before you go.”

Talk of me returning to San Diego just made me depressed. “Definitely.”

We walk into the apartment and are both surprised to see Brooke and Curtis. I feel a little bit of tension between Ryder and Curtis, and wonder what that’s about.

There’s part of a sub sandwich on the counter that Curtis offers to us. I decline, but Ryder takes a piece and sets it on a plate.

“The manager from Gorge Days called,” Curtis says melodramatically, dipping a chip into French Onion dip. “We have a suite lined up for us. It sleeps eight people, and there’s room for us to store our equipment.”

Ryder’s shoulders straighten.

“I’m sure it will all be fine,” Deklan says, changing the television channel.

“I think we should leave on Thursday instead of Friday though,” Brooke adds. “Traffic is supposed to be horrendous.”

I shift in my seat. What a bunch of insufferable assholes to be talking about Gorge Days in front of Ryder, especially when they knew how bummed out he is that he won’t be a part of it.

I am in the kitchen with Kenzie making guacamole. She smiles reassuringly.

Kenzie had told me that Alec, the shrimp, had been practicing with them the past couple of days. If anyone brings up the kid’s name tonight, I swear I will choke them.

“We should take two cars,” Curtis says. “Don’t you think, Dek?”

Deklan nods.

I can read Deklan like a book. He is so uncomfortable and obviously worried about Ryder’s reaction.

“Are you getting a permission slip from Alec’s mother?” I can’t resist asking.

Ryder laughs under his breath, and yet I see pain in his eyes.

Damn, why hadn’t I just kept my mouth shut?

Brooke frowns at me. “What is that supposed to mean?”

“He can’t be thirteen.”

“He’s almost seventeen.”

“No kidding,” I say, stunned by the declaration.

“He’s good,” Brooke says defensively. “He knows every song we play, and he can sing well, too.”

“Yeah, but he’s no Ryder.” This comes from Kenzie. She glances at Deklan and then the others. She shrugs. “It’s the truth.”

Deklan nods and looks pleased at his woman’s declaration. “I agree.”

Ryder smiles and I could tell he needed that little boost of confidence.

“You know I was wondering…do you think you can pass a drug test right now?” Brooke asks. There’s hope in her voice. It’s obvious she wants Ryder playing with them at Gorge Days.

“Yes, I can.” He sounds incredibly confident.

“We don’t have a drug test.” Deklan mentions the obvious.

Brooke shrugs. “Yeah, but the pharmacy on the corner is open.”

Deklan hands us cash and we’re out the door and back with the test within ten minutes.

I can tell Ryder is nervous, which makes me nervous. I didn’t know how long certain drugs stayed in the body.

Brooke hands the test to Deklan. “Go with him.”

“You going to hold my dick for me?” Ryder asks, trying to make light of the situation. It works because everyone laughs.

Ryder

We walk into the bathroom and Deklan hands me the cup. “You don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

“You make it sound like you’re going to fuck me.”

He actually smiles at that. “Knock it off.”

“Relax, bro. It’s going to be okay.”

“Shouldn’t I be the one reassuring you?” he says.

I unzip my pants, piss in the cup and hand it to him.

He reads the directions aloud twice, and then takes the test card and slides it into the cup. Using the counter on his phone, he counts to fifteen before he removes the card and sets it on the counter.

“I’ll bleach the counter when we’re done,” I say, finding humor to be better than stressing out about the results. So much relied on the next few minutes. I would either be playing with my band at the biggest gig of our career, or I would be watching from the audience.

“I want you to be there, regardless,” Deklan says. He doesn’t look at the card, but at me.

“I know. I want to be there too.”

He nodded. “Tell me about the tank. It sounds bizarre.”

“I think it’s kind of like what floating in space would be like. Weightless, you know?”

Deklan nods.

“It’s strange and beautiful at the same time. I actually saw like colors behind my eyelids. I don’t know if I was just imagining it.” I yammer on for minutes, just wanting the time to go by.

“It sounds incredible, and it seems to have helped. You’re less on edge than when I talked to you earlier.”

He was right. It had helped. He’s given me an opening to talk about my mom’s visit, but before I can say anything the phone alarm goes off.

I’m strangely calm as he compares the card to the corresponding information on the instructions. I can tell he goes over it a few times before he looks at me and grins. “It’s negative. You’re clean.”

I smile. “Don’t sound so surprised. I told you.” I am so elated.

Card still in hand, he hugs me. “I love you, Ryder. You know that, right?”

I smile against his shoulder as I hug him back. It feels amazing to have someone care so much about me…who loves me unconditionally. “Yeah, I know it…and I love you, too.”

“Come on, let’s tell the others.”