Rush (Pandemic Sorrow #2) (23 page)

Eventually the tide washed underneath me. The Pacific is always cold as shit, but when you’re drunk it doesn’t have the same bite. The cold water relieved me; it loosened my body, and for whatever reason it cleared my mind. I rolled over, pressing my chin in the damp gritty sand, and bubbles washed up around my face.

I rolled over. After a few minutes of letting the waves wash over me and pull me out into the water, I swam back and crawled up onto the shore, passing out in the sand.

I stayed there until the sun came up. My head pounded from the ridiculous amount of alcohol I’d drank, and the bright-ass sun drilling into my eyes didn’t help one bit. I swatted for my shades, but they weren’t there. I assumed they were long gone, having been lost during one of the many drunken tumbles I’d taken the night before.

I felt lost wandering back up the deserted beach. And it was at that moment that I realized I was just ready to give it all up. When my contract was up, I was going to quit. I wanted a life, and as long as I was owned by the industry, I’d never have that.

Chapter 34

The next day Pandemic Sorrow released
Sanctity
, only half a year late, but not so bad assuming all the shit that had happened. And sales were incredible. James, as usual, threw a huge release day party at his house.

I kept glancing at my watch, trying to figure out when the fuck I could leave. All this party served as was a way to make James look good. Most of the people in attendance were there for the simple fact that this was the place to be at the moment. The women were just trying to show off their new dresses, talk about the part they beat the other one out of in a movie, who they fucked, and what new diet they were on that allowed their bones to protrude from their skin. The men came for the women, and then there was me. I came because I had no damn choice. I would have much rather stayed at home sulking and jerking one off in my pool.

Jules kept staring at me, and every single time she started in my direction, I would move. I was at that part of the grieving process where I was just fucking angry, and if she made me talk to her I would probably just end up yelling.

I sat down on the gaudy marble stairwell twisting up to the second level and sloshed back shot after shot after shot. The drunker I got, the more I stared at her. Every time she would talk to someone and giggle that girly giggle, I winced. I watched her fake-smile a thousand times; I knew she was miserable just like me.

I sat there and watched everyone. Jag was with Roxy and she was about to pop. He looked undeniably happy and sober. He had a bottle of water gripped tightly in one hand and Roxy in the other. Every few minutes he would rub on her stomach and they’d both smile at each other. And every so often I’d catch James eyeing them, glaring, conspiring. He hated that Jag was no longer Jag, but was now Jagger. He was the same guy he was before fame fucked him, except better, and that just didn’t set well with James.

I watched Asher badger the piss out of Stone, finding amusement when he’d tried to casually slip away only for her to find him several seconds later. Stone was too damn nice sometimes. He pretended to be bad-ass just like the rest of us did, but when it came down to it Stone was the one that was genuinely nice. He was the most far removed from the rock star persona we’d grown so good at projecting.

Pax strolled in an hour after everything started, alone.

And there I sat, drunk as piss.

Grabbing the railing, I pulled myself up, only then realizing how intoxicated I actually was. I shouldered my way through the crowd, shaking hands, saying thanks when people congratulated us on the new release.

I went up to the side bar and grabbed another drink, burping loudly. The stout taste of whiskey washed up into my mouth. I placed the glass to my lips, and just as I opened my mouth to dump the liquor in, someone shook me and the liquid splattered up onto my face.

“Congratulations! You boys just keep surprising me.” James slapped me on the back and walked off.

I wanted to punch him. At the end of the year, I had to leave the band, or we had to go with a different label.

He retreated down the long hallway lined with our album covers, and I’d finally had enough alcohol that I just didn’t give a shit.

My eyes darted around the room and honed in on Jules in her bright, sapphire blue dress.

This is stupid. It’s pointless.

Her back was to me and she was talking to some board members I didn’t know. I made my way through the crowd; without a word I reached down, grabbing her hand and yanking her out of the circle of people.

A scowl fell over her face. “Rush? I was talking to someone,” she huffed.

“And I give a fuck?” I gave her another tug, leading her over to the empty stairwell.

She jerked her arm, and I glared over my shoulder at her. “I’m not letting you go,” I said sternly.

A loud groan growled up her throat. “Damn it.”

“Tough titties, huh?”

She was staring down at the floor, chewing on her lip.

I leaned over, inching my face close to hers. “This. Is. Stupid.”

Her head moved back. “God, Rush, how much have you had to drink?”

“Enough to not give a shit how pathetic I look.” I drew in a breath. “You fucking hurt me. Did you hear me, Jules? You cut my heart out. All I do is think about you. I can’t be with anyone else. I don’t
want
to be with anyone else.”

She wouldn’t look up from the floor.

“Look at me!”

She shook her head and tucked her chin more.

I wanted her to look at me. I pushed her back against the rail, growling, “Look at me!”

I jerked her chin up and realized she was crying.

“You hurt me too. You did.” She sniffled. “I liked you, and you scared me, and just—one minute you were telling me you loved me, and then the next minute you were yelling at me, agreeing that we wouldn’t work out.”

“It was an argument.”

“Yeah, well, girls are stupid sometimes. I was nervous. I liked you, and I was terrified of that.”

I laughed, pushing myself against her and shaking my head. “You see, you
liked
me. Past tense. And you used the same emotion you use for a damn goat at the zoo. You
liked
the goat, thought it was cute and funny. Well, guess what, Jules? I
love
you. Present tense. Strong emotion. The type of emotion that makes you want to keel over and die, drink yourself into a stupor.”

Her chest jumped and a soft cry floated through the air. “I’m sorry.” She pulled in a quick breath and regained her composure. “I just, I can’t lose my job, Rush.”

“Your job’s more important than me?”

“I didn’t say that.”

I pushed myself away from her. I could feel an emotionless expression forming over my face. “You didn’t have to.”

I had to accept that it would never go anywhere with her. People got over relationships all the time. I would just have to figure out how to forget her. After all, what the hell was one more year of misery? I could just stay fucked up and most likely never remember much of it. Maybe if I was lucky, I could get fucked up enough that those brain cells that held onto her memory would be killed off. That’s what I figured it would take to forget her, something that would just take those memories away for good.

Disgusted, I turned away from her and she called out, “It wasn’t what it looked like.”

“What wasn’t?”

“That guy at my house.”

I stood with my back to her, sucking my lip in, trying to figure out what to say.

“It was Cody’s brother. He came over to pick up some stuff. I pulled together a VIP package for him and some of the tab sheets of the music.”

That made me feel like an idiot.

I heard her sigh, her voice softening as she said, “I didn’t replace you.”

I wanted to turn around but forced myself not to. I was done seeming desperate.

“Thanks for getting stuff together for him.” That was all I said. I shoved my hands in my pockets and walked away from her.

I just needed to leave before I embarrassed myself any more.

I did my rounds, speaking to the higher-ups from the label so I could get the fuck out of there. When I passed by the side bar, I grabbed another few shots of whiskey and poured them down my throat. After I’d made my way through the room, I walked to the door and just when I pulled back on the handle to open it, I felt someone tug on the back of my shirt.

“Hey, don’t leave yet,” Jules said.

Shutting the door, I turned around.

She looked worried and her eyes were already watering up. “I’m so, so sorry. I am
sorry
, okay? I feel like shit because I should have been there for you, but I had no idea what to do. You fucked with my head, and then all the AIDS shit just kinda paralyzed me.”

I leaned against the wall and studied her. “Yeah, I get it. Trust me.”

She bit down on her lip, her eyes falling to her nails, which she was furiously destroying. “I–I didn’t know what to do. James told me you’d known and–”

I cut her off, narrowing my eyes in disbelief. “You believe that shit head?”

“No. But it all confused me, Rush. It was five million things. The way I felt, the way I had felt about you for years, the way I
know
you, that stupid, idiotic argument, James…I just didn’t know what the hell to do.” She drew in a pained breath and forced her eyes up to mine. “I just thought maybe it would hurt me less to end it, you know, instead of walking backstage and finding you fucking some fan.”

“Jules.” I shook my head. “That wouldn’t happen. You are the
only
girl I have ever uttered the word love to. That’s some serious shit to come out of my mouth.”

Her eyes glazed over and widened. “You’ve never…”

“Not once. You took my virginity with that feeling.”

I grabbed her hand, ready to drag her outside and fuck her in my car, and just as I went to open the door, Stone and Pax ploughed through, laughing hysterically.

“Holy shit, man. You will never believe what we just walked in on!”

I shut the door, releasing Jules’ hand and glancing at her while we waited on one of the fuckers to speak up. “You gonna tell me?” I asked, slight frustration coating my tone.

Stone blew out a breath and placed his hand on my shoulder. He opened his mouth to speak but collapsed back into a fit of laughter.

“James’ dick!” Pax blurted out. “We just saw James’ dick…well, half of it.” He snickered and fell against the wall, knocking over one of the vases on the foyer table.

Stone tried to catch it but missed; the vase shattered on the floor, the sound of it breaking swallowed up by the lull of conversation and background music piping through the speakers.

“Yeah,” Stone said. “The other half was shoved down that Asher chick’s throat!” Stone mimicked a girl gagging on a dick then busted out in laughter again. “So nasty. And that chick was trying to get me to fuck her earlier.”

My eyes flew open.
That fucker.

“Are you serious?” Jules pretty much shouted.

Pax was still laughing. Tears were seeping from his eyes, and he wiped them away when he glanced over at Jules. “Yeah. Guess she thought she’d try to get in good with management and then graduate to the band. So sick.”

“It’s so short.” Stone shook his head, a large grin slapped over his face. “And, man, was he pissed when we walked in on them. Maybe he should’ve gone upstairs instead of the office right off from the main room.”

“What a dumbass!” Pax chimed in.

I was floored. That fucker was unbelievable.

“Oh, he’s a dumbass, all right.” I said, pushing both of them out of the way.

“You want to go peek?” Pax asked.

I shook my head. “Oh, I’m gonna do better than that.”

I grabbed Jules and pulled her behind me.

“Where the fuck are the two of you going?” Pax shouted. “Oh, my God. You’re gonna fuck her again, aren’t you?”

Stone yelled and clapped his hands. “Tear that pussy up, man.”

I ignored them and the people who were staring in their direction. When we reached the bottom of the stairs, I pressed Jules up against the wall and forced my lips over hers.

She didn’t fight me; she gave in, she caved. Her fingers scratched through my hair while her tongue fought mine for control.

Eventually, I pulled away for a breath. “That’s what I thought. I told you I made you mine. I fucking meant that shit. And you’re not gonna lose your job.”

“I don’t care if I do,” she said, sounding desperate, and she pressed her mouth over mine again. This time her legs clamored up my body and wrapped around my waist, and all I could do was push her harder against the wall.

I tore myself away from her, breathless and horny as fuck. “Present tense?”

She nodded. “Yeah, present tense. And not those goat emotions either.” She giggled. “I love you. I’ve loved you for a long time. I just fought it.”

“Well, no more fighting.”

I flung her over my shoulder and started up the stairs.

I felt her hand slap against my back. “What are you doing? Are you insane?”

“Uh, hi. My name’s Rush Wilder. Have you met me?” I smacked my palm over her ass. “I’m just a
little
crazy, I feel I must warn you.”

She groaned and I felt her body surrender and go limp on me.

I reached the top of the stairs, glancing around at the doors, trying to remember which one I wanted to go in. “Hmm, I think it’s,” I started to the first door on the left and flipped the switch, “yep, this is the one.”

“Rush!” Jules dug her nails into my shoulder.

“Look, that bastard deserves this. And just so you know, I haven’t jerked one off in a good while, so I’m gonna have plenty of shit to blow all over his bed.”

I shut the door behind me, locking it so we wouldn’t be interrupted. Setting her down, I cocked a brow at her and tore her dress off. 

I drew in a sharp intake of air as I let my hands glide over her soft flesh. “And I plan to make you so wet, he’ll have a nice outline of your ass on his sheets. I’m gonna fuck you all over this room, let him know just what I think of those stupid rules of his.”