Authors: S. Pratt
She gasps, biting her lip at the erotic way I’m teasing her.
Once I relinquish it back to her, she takes a second to admire the ring I have just put on her finger. A big cheesy grin comes to her lips and I know she is pleased.
‘It’s a mood ring,’ I offer. ‘So I’ll always know when you’re hot for me.’
‘I love it. What does it say right now?’ she says as she admires the cheap trinket. I pull her arm close and lean in to whisper in her ear.
‘Judging by the red, hot color, I’m guessing you want me just as much as I want you.’ I smack her lightly on the ass as I leave her staring after me open-mouthed.
When she’s had her fill of the gallery, we head to a local burger joint that advertises Philly Dogs. We attack the bacon and cheese hot dog with vigor, grinning as sauce drips down our chins. I want to lick it off her, but that would be totally inappropriate in a food joint. It gives me a few ideas for later, though.
****
Later that night, we lay snuggled amongst blankets in the bed of my truck, gazing up at the stars I struggle with the urge to make love to Bailey. She knows I’m holding back, but I refuse to give into her wiley ways.
‘Angel?’
‘Hmm?’
‘Aren’t you going to make love to me anymore?’ Her voice is so sad, it breaks my heart that I’m trying to do something good, but instead it’s causing her pain.
‘You know it’s not through lack of wanting, Bailey.’
‘But I don’t understand. I want you, you want me. We are complete and utterly alone, and yet you refuse to lay a finger on me.’ I roll on my side so I can gaze into her eyes. The moon casts a brilliant glow about her face that she almost looks surreal.
I still don’t know how it was ever made possible that she would ever allow me to touch her in a sexual way. But that’s part of the problem. Despite the fact we’ve grown up being the best of friends, since she’s granted me access to her body, I feel like I never give her the space for me to just enjoy her for her and not just the sex.
‘I do want you, always. But not this weekend. This weekend is about you and me – no sex.’
‘You don’t have to worry about my virtue you know, you are still my best friend, even though we sleep together.’ Her brow is creased in the middle, leaving frown lines to grace her forehead. I use my thumb to rub the lines away, eager to see her smiling at me once more. I lean forward and kiss the tip of her nose, breathing in her scent as I do. I hear a sigh escape her lips. She knows the torment I go through, the morality of our whole relationship. But she won’t change that about me. There will always be something to feel guilty for.
I retreat slightly, eager to keep my distance from touching her skin.
A small smile dances across her lips.
‘You’re beautiful, you know?’ I say.
‘Really?’ She doesn’t look convinced.
‘Prettiest girl I ever saw,’ I say grinning. She dips her head shyly, as she always does when I pay her compliments. It’s downright sexy and the love I feel for her swells within my chest. I lift her chin slightly so that she has to look into my eyes. We lay like this – on our sides in the back of the truck, the forest dense around us keeping our sanctuary safe from the world. We gaze lovingly at each other until eventually sleep takes over her.
I can’t sleep. Watching her never gets old. I love looking at every freckle and seeing the planes of her face change under the star-lit night. She is my world – my everything. It’s here I know with every fiber of my being, that I would roll over and die for this woman if it meant that she could just take one extra breath. As night drifts past us and morning kisses the bottom of the skies, I know that what we have is the start of something real. Something that I can hold onto for the rest of my life. Bailey has, and always will, hold my heart in her hands.
CHAPTER ELEVEN – On Y our Knees, Boy
I can’t breathe. My world is closing in on me and I’m struggling to put one foot in front of the other. It feels like there is sawdust in my throat, which makes me thankful she has made herself scarce so far.
There is no way I would be able to say a single word to her right now. That’s half the problem, though. If she were here she might change my mind.
Increasingly, the guilt has been creeping over me slower and slower, making my skin crawl, turning my heart to stone. It’s ruining the love I feel for Bailey and I hate it. There is the need to rid myself of this guilt because I don’t want to spoil all the happy memories I have of us. It’s the little things my parents said along the way that started the slow decay in our relationship. I feel guilty for pursuing Bailey when I know to all concerned that we should never have been from the start.
And don’t get me started on the close calls. First there was the time mom almost walked in on us while making love in Bailey’s bedroom. Fuck me! I had to climb out the fucking window for god’s sake – in my own damn house.
Oh yeah, there have also been the stolen glances that we swap across the kitchen table. Mom even asked, ‘What’s up with you two?’
Too damn close. The lines have been crossed, blurred so that I no longer think they exist – and that’s dangerous, because we get sloppy and risk getting caught.
I want better for Bailey than all this sneaking around. She doesn’t deserve to hide who she is and who she loves. I want to see her happy. For that to happen, I need to get out of town. We’re not kids anymore. I’m a man, already working for several years. I have money saved and need to follow through ideas I have for a business.
Knowing the only reason we are both still at home is so we can be near each other to continue our affair really puts things into perspective. It’s only a matter of time before someone finds out. For Bailey’s sake, I can’t be that selfish and stick around. I don’t ever want her to lose her family because of me, that kind of heartache never goes away. Trust me, I know.
So I decide to take one for the team, because her happiness means more to me than my own. The night I told her I was leaving was excruciating. She sobbed so hard, begged, pleaded with me – so much that I almost caved. Almost. But I know my leaving is for the best. She can find a man who she can really be with, in every way.
Just the thought of her with another makes me want to hurl. The thought of another man’s hands on her body and I’m seeing every shade of red imaginable. Which is why I need to move far away.
Far, far away where I can live in ignorant bliss and pretend none of that is ever going to happen. It can just be me with the sweet memories of us two.
My truck is packed with all my worldly possessions. Today is monumental for me. Leaving parents who have done nothing but treat me like their own son feels so final. I pray when it’s time to get in the car and turn the key in the ignition that my resolve doesn’t weaken and I can go through with it. Dream on buddy. You see her before you get in that car and she’ll have you on your knees promising you’ll stay after all.
The plan is to head north into Maryland. I’ve seen a business for sale with a lot of land, going cheap because the old boy is planning to retire. There will be lots of hard work involved, but that’s exactly what I need to take my mind off Bailey.
Taking a last look around my room, I allow myself just a few moments to relive the life I have lived here. Every single moment with the Michaels has been a blessing, more than I could ever have dreamed up on my own as a small, dirty, unkempt child. They will expect me to return during vacation and such, but something about leaving my room now seems so final. It’s the nail in the coffin. The very last thing before I step out into oblivion. Deep breaths in and I know I can’t linger anymore – so I leave.
I hurry down the hallway, stepping lightly as I pass Bailey’s room.
That is one confrontation I just don’t want. One step. Two steps.
Just when I think I’m home and hosed the door creaks open.
Whipping round I face the woman who is the source of all my despair and happiness. What a paradox that she can evoke so much from me.
Her look says it all. If I could give her the world, I would. But staying because she wants me to doesn’t make it right. She looks like a ghost, her skin paler than usual, eyes red from crying. We cannot do this out on the landing, so I usher her back into her room. The minute the door is closed she starts her assault on my resolve.
‘Please don’t leave me, Emmett. I need you so much. I love you
…’ The lump in the back of my throat refuses to move. I’m close to tears, but there is no way I will let her see a single drop, because it will give her hope that I will stay, when I won’t.
‘I love you too. More than you’ll ever know.’ Tears slip from her eyes. She does nothing to brush them away. She just lets them fall down her cheeks while she lets her eyes roam over my face. A month ago she held my face in her hands, telling me how much she loved my chocolate eyes and square jaw. It’s stupid to think of this now, because I’m only torturing myself with memories of what we did that night.
‘If you love me, then don’t leave. Stay … stay with me.’
‘I can’t Bails, I just can’t do this to us anymore.’
‘Please Emmett, my heart is breaking already.’ Her lip quivers, making me want to take it in between my own lips and kiss away all her fears, all her sadness.
‘It may feel like that now, but in time you will realize that I have made the right decision for both of us.’
‘Never!’ she hisses at me. I feel a tiny fracture cut across my heart.
‘Bails, you’re killing me,’ I plead.
‘Really, Angel? Because I feel pretty dead right now. I …’ There is no way I can stand to hear another word. This back and forth between us is torture. As much as we are both thinking with our hearts right now, I know in my mind this is the right thing to do.
I do the only thing I can to silence her. Crushing my lips to hers I make her surrender her words to our last intimate moment. Like a vulture, her arms immediately latch on to the back of my neck, pulling me deeper so that I might never let go. Her tongue finds mine, involuntarily my arms snake behind her waist to grip her closer to me. Everything about this single second I’m searing to my mind so that I’ll never forget it. The way she smells and tastes imprints on my soul like a scar that will stay with me for life. I have never cared more for the woman in my arms, but that is exactly why I need to go. Now, before I change my mind.
With force I pull her from me, leaving her love drunk and dazed.
Breaking a kiss like that took every ounce of my willpower. There is nothing left in the tank.
‘I’m so sorry Bailey, it’s for the best.’ Without giving her another chance to break down my walls, I make the biggest mistake of my life. I leave.
My parents are waiting in the kitchen. They both look sad, but are putting on happy faces for my sake. Mom opens her arms for me to walk into her embrace. She squeezes me tight, her arms too short to reach around my muscular mid-section. She releases me, but cups my face in her hands.
‘We love you so much darling, don’t you ever forget that.’
‘I won’t mom. I’ll always remember what you and dad have done for me. I love you both so much.’ She pats my arm, tears threatening the corners of her eyes. Turning to dad, it’s obvious the big man is struggling too.
I offer my hand to shake his, which he does, but then pulls me into a big bear hug, squeezing the life out of me. With a few slaps on the back, he finally relinquishes his hold on me. I’ve never seen him cry, but he looks awfully close right now.
‘Love you, son. You make sure you come visit us real soon.’ He walks out of the kitchen now, unable to stay composed any longer.
‘You drive safe now. Call me when you get there.’
‘I will mom.’ There’s nothing left to say. It’s just me and the road that await. Picking up my backpack off the floor near the back door, I give Frankie’s head a quick pat.
‘Later, boy. You be a good dog now.’ I’m afforded a whine before Frankie goes back to catching some Z’s, seemingly unaware of the turmoil rolling around the house this morning.
With a final wave to mom, I pluck up the courage to open the door.
In the truck I take a minute. I’m ready to fall apart, but, need to get off this street first. There are too many memories that are trying to tie me down and keep me here. Through my rearview mirror I can see my belongings strapped down in the bed of the truck, covered with tarpaulin ready for the trip north. It’s time.
Then I make a catastrophic mistake. I take one last look at the house. Bailey. Sweet Bailey is at the bay window. Hauntingly sad, stunningly beautiful. That tiny fissure that had started to work its way across my heart just cracked wide open. The pressure in my chest at the moment is enormous. I can’t stand it. Bailey senses I’m about to do the unthinkable and start the damn car. She’s right.
In desperation she bolts from the window and I know I’m in trouble. She’s coming for me.
There is no way we can have a scene out here. The game would be up for both of us. I turn the key in the ignition and gun the gas. The engine roars to life. Putting the stick shift in gear, I let the handbrake off and start the truck rolling forward. The pain in my chest moves up to my throat as I catch the sight of Bailey in my rearview mirror, running towards me from the house.
Knowing I need to escape this sorrow at all costs, I floor the accelerator and peel off down the street. Over the rumble of the truck’s engine I can hear her shouting my name. If it had been Angel, I probably would have stopped. Hearing Emmett, I could keep on driving, but only just.
Just before I round the corner of our street, I chance one last look in the mirror. She’s still there, starting to come down the road after me. As I leave our street my world crumbles around me. That lump that was lodged in my chest? It just broke loose. I keep driving, dangerously I might add, with tears flowing like a river. There’s an animalistic wail coming from inside the cab of the truck and it takes me a minute to realize that it’s me.
I just packed up the only life I’ve ever known to leave my parents.
Leave my best friend, my lover, because I thought it was the right thing to do. So why does it feel so fucking wrong?