Rough Edges (15 page)

“So, you’re just going to leave?”

“Why wouldn’t I? You’re obviously angry with me, you’re not willing to hear me, and you think I deserve all of this. What else is there to say?”

“A whole lot, if you ask me. Listen, I don’t want you to leave, Allie. If we stand a chance at this relationship, these are things that need to be said. When you come to me with a problem you better be ready to hear what I have to say in return. That’s a partnership. Now if I’m wrong you can tell me. Put me in my place if you need to but I’m going to have my view on things and that’s how it is.”

“Well maybe you should know that I punish myself enough, okay?”

He nodded. “That’s fair enough.”

“And you said some pretty ugly things,” she said. “Some that were so off base, it’s crazy.”

Braden pulled in a deep breath, making his large chest bulge. He let it out slowly and took one small step closer. “Okay,” he said. “Stay, and tell me about it. Explain where you’re coming from so I can stop drawing conclusions on my own. I’m willing to hear what you’ve got to say. I want to make this work.” The sincerity in his eyes said he meant it.

The heated adrenaline she’d had coursing through her limbs was gone. It seemed as if it had burned off every ounce of energy she had along with it. As if she might collapse at any moment.

Braden put a hand on her elbow, his fingers cradling her arm. “How about I make us that fire and we can talk?”

Allie gave him a single nod. The stubborn side of her wanted to yank her arm away, tear out of there, and write him off completely. But she sensed he’d been speaking from a place of pain – hardships Braden had endured himself. His view on why she’d picked Terrance spoke volumes alone, and she needed to set things straight. “Okay,” she finally said. “I’ll stay.”

Braden could feel Allie’s eyes on him as he set the logs into place. Could feel the hurt he’d caused her as well. He never had claimed to be good with words. In fact he was terrible with them. And it looked as if holding them back all this time hadn’t done a whole lot of good either.

Braden patted his pockets. “Where’d I put those matches?”

“Right here.” Allie came up beside him, her silhouette visible against the dim light from inside the house. Instead of handing him the box, Allie hunched down by his side and pulled out a match. A sharp snap and a quick spark, and soon the small stick was ablaze. Before he could tell her where to place it, Allie guided the match directly to the spot he had in mind. The small, dry cluster of grass at the base. He watched as she leaned in closer, cupping her hands to shield it from the breeze. There was a tenderness in the action. She treated the meager flame like an actual life form. With gentle and patient care.

At last the flame stretched into the hollow space in the logs, began clinging to the smaller twigs alongside. The growing reflection danced along Allie’s skin in tones of gold and red, accenting every flawless feature.

Once the fire started to crack and pop, Braden came to a stand. The patio swing stood close by. He gestured to it, waiting for Allie to take a seat before sinking onto it himself. Allie pulled her legs onto the seat, turning to face him completely.

“I want to apologize – ”

“No,” he interrupted, “I’m the one who needs to apologize.”

But she put her hand up to silence him. “Just let me get this out. It’s been bothering me for a while.” She turned her gaze to the fire before setting it back on him. “I’m sorry for coming to you the way I did, before Terrance and I got married. It wasn’t fair for me to put you in that situation. I don’t know what I wanted you to do, but…” She shrugged.

He exhaled a slow breath, working to counter the rushing pace of his pulse. He couldn’t guess at where the topic had come from. They’d opened more than one can of worms only moments ago, and this – from what he could tell – wasn’t one of them. Still, there was no reason to hide his thoughts on the subject. “I’m pretty sure I know what you wanted me to do. And I’ve spent a lot of years since wishing I’d done it.”

Allie licked her lips, the moisture there catching gleams of white light. “It’s just that, when you kissed me that one time…” Her small voice died off as she dropped her chin and fiddled with her hands. “At the party, it kind of ruined me.”

Braden gulped, a rush of shame pouring over him. “I was afraid of that. I ruined things because you couldn’t respect me after that – for kissing my best friend’s girl.”

“No,” she said without looking up at him.

He was surprised to see the corner of her mouth turn up at once side. And confused by it too. And what was this? She was blushing?

“I lost control that night, Braden. There I was, in a committed relationship with Terrance, yet I became so lost in that moment I couldn’t even stop things. In fact,” she lifted her chin, set those piercing eyes on him. “I never wanted it to end. I discovered my greatest weakness that night. And it was you.”

Braden didn’t know what to say.
He
was her greatest weakness?

“After the kiss, you were all I could think about. I can’t tell you how guilty that made me feel. I tried proving to myself that I was stronger than that. That I could be loyal. But years later, when I was set to marry Terrance, thoughts of you came back to me with a vengeance. The sheer contrast.” She paused there, biting at her bottom lip. “You should know that, other men, they don’t kiss the way you do. Most don’t know how to be in the moment. It’s like, they’re too busy thinking about steps nine and ten to make steps one and two worthwhile.” Allie shook her head.

She was right about that. At least on Braden’s part. He enjoyed all ten steps and saw no point in rushing even one of them. But the other things she’d said had his mind reeling. Allie had been thinking of him after that night? He’d guessed at it on more than one occasion, but figured it’d been nothing more than wishful thinking.

“Anyway,” she continued, “it was bad enough for me to come to you the first time. But after Alex died…” She let the sentence dangle there for a breath. “I shouldn’t have done that. Just now, when we were talking about things in the house, you said something about wanting me, always, and I started to worry that I might be part of the reason that you, um...”

“Never married?”

She nodded. “Mm,hmm. I hope you didn’t get the wrong impression when I showed up. To be honest, you were right about the night before the wedding. I think that’s exactly what I wanted from you. I wanted you to tell me not to marry him. That you’d have me instead. And when I didn’t get it, I was positive that you just didn’t have any interest in me. Which made perfect sense when I thought about it.”

Braden wondered if he was hiding the cringe that threatened to show in his face. Hearing her admit what she had was like murder. Why had he failed her on that night?

“But the second time, I was just distraught over Alex’s death.” Her breaths came faster, and so did her words. “See Terrance didn’t know how to handle it himself and the kids were drowning in grief and I just needed something solid. And that was always you.”

“Yes, but what did you think would happen when you came over?” he asked. “The second time, I mean. Because you were married at that point, but if you ask me it felt very much like the first time. And if I’m being truthful, I’m pretty sure I could have had my way with you on both of those nights, had I tried.”

Allie gasped. “
What
? I can’t believe you’d even say that. Why would you – ”

“Because I’m a man, Allie. And you drove clear out to my house in the middle of the night while you were all upset and vulnerable and throwing your arms around me.” He shook his head. “I wasn’t the type to take advantage back then, but I was a fool. If I could go back now,” he waited for her gaze to meet his. “I would.”

“I don’t believe you,” she said.

“But you should. I’ve lived too many years of regret to think any other way. And I know you say it was innocent and that you’d come over to get support, but I could have owned you that night. Not because you were looking for it, but because you came to me at a time when you were most vulnerable.”

“I was a faithful wife, Braden,” she snapped. “I was loyal to that man every day of our married lives.”

“Yet I could have taken advantage of you in a heartbeat.”

Allie was shaking her head adamantly.

“No?”

“No.”

He let out a humorless laugh. “What did I do when you came, huh?”

Allie dropped her gaze to her hands, began twisting them in her lap as she answered. “You just stayed there in the hallway with me. Asking me questions about Alex. Fond memories I had. Um, I remember you told me he was watching over me. That he’d always be with me.”

“Okay. What else? Do you remember what I said when you started talking about Terrance?”

She shook her head. “I talked about Terrance?”

“Yes. You told me he’d been drinking a lot. Spending time in bars. You worried that he’d end up like his father. Said he hadn’t been there for you and the girls. That you felt alone. Want me to keep going?”

“I can’t believe I did that,” she said. Not too long ago, Allie had told him that married people shouldn’t go complaining to the opposite sex about their spouses, not if they wanted to stay married. He wondered if that conversation was replaying in her mind.

“Do you see now? Do you see how – if I had been a different kind of man – I might have taken advantage there? I didn’t suggest you come in, make yourself comfortable like I could have. I didn’t pull you into my room like I wanted to. The fact that you were hurting was the only thing that stopped me. But it also made it more difficult in some ways. I wanted to comfort you. Hold you. Take the pain away in any way I could.” When she remained quiet, Braden continued. “And don’t think for a minute that my struggle ended there. I spent so many nights tormenting myself. For months I considered stopping by your house while Terrance was at work and asking if things had gotten any better. I wanted to show up and see how you were. I thought of sending you flowers one day with an unsigned card.” He paused to catch his breath, unable to believe he’d revealed so much. “I said I was a good friend to Terrance because I kept my distance. I didn’t try to steal you away though I wanted to ever since we met. Truth is, I’m a horrible friend. Because all I could ever do is dream about having his girl as my own. And the fact that I would’ve treated you better made me hate the guy. Made me angry with you too.”

“Which is why you said I deserved what I’m getting now,” she added.

Braden winced. “I didn’t exactly mean it like that. But it’s frustrating to watch people make bad choices and then get upset when things don’t go the way they hoped. I’m upset that you have to deal with this. I’m angry that – if you and I are finally going to have a shot at being together – Terrance will be there to do crap like this whenever he feels like it. I care about you. I care about Paige and Jillian. I want to protect you from
everything
. But this…” he shrugged. “I can’t fix it.”

Braden leaned back until he lay across the entire swing. He grabbed Allie’s hands, pulled her until she lay alongside. She snuggled in further, fitting nicely against the length of him, the heat of her more warm and welcome than the crackling flames.

“Did you really mean what you said, about Paige getting it out of her system?” A cool wind picked up, and Allie shifted to get closer. Her fingers gripped hold of his shirt as she pressed her face against his chest.  

“I don’t know,” he said at last. “Like you said, I’m not a parent. But I
do
want what’s best for her. I don’t blame you for trying to keep her here. Especially if Terrance is negligent. On the other hand, it’s not good to let Paige think her dad doesn’t want her, so convincing Terrance to take back the offer might not be your best move either.” He sighed, suddenly feeling helpless in the situation. And in the end, it was Allie’s decision to make. Whether she’d fight it or not. “I’m sorry for saying what I did about the lists.”

“You were right,” she said. “I need to back off. Let her be in charge of those types of things on her own. Though I’m not sure I’m going to have the chance.”

He could sense the sadness in her then, the sudden broken posture as her shoulders collapsed. He hadn’t been able to comfort her this way after her brother died, but now he could. So he brought his arms tighter around her, leaned down to press a kiss to her head. “I’m sorry you have to deal with this, but things will be alright. You’ll see.”

Allie sniffed. “I felt like I had to take care of him.” Her words were thick with emotion. “That’s why I stayed with Terrance. I don’t know if it was right or wrong, but I worried that he’d fall apart if I broke things off. He was barely making it as it was.”

A mean flashback played out in Braden’s mind. Terrance’s father with a drink in his hand. His cold glare and vicious words. “Yeah. I worried about him too. Worried that he’d end up just like his old man.”

“Not many people knew what his home life was like. He did a good job at hiding it. Making people laugh. He was a lot of fun to be with in a crowd. Alone was a different story. I’m sure you know what I mean.”

Braden did know, but he was in no mood to be generous right then.

“I stayed out of obligation. Not because I was terribly attracted to the bad boy image, like you said. I hate that you felt that way, because I was more attracted to you. Your old-fashioned manners. You were much more my type than he was.”

As much as it hurt – finding this out so late in the game – he liked hearing it. With his gaze pasted on hers, Braden smoothed a hand over Allie’s hair, the fine strands like silk beneath his palm. And there went that scent of her. Sweet, tempting, and alluring. He cleared his throat, redirecting his thoughts. “You were young,” he finally said. “I can’t see you making that sort of decision now. Not with kids to raise and everything that’s involved.” What he didn’t say aloud is that Allie never did strike him as the doormat type. But with Terrance as her ex, she had to have done a fair amount of suffering throughout their marriage. And the fact made him despise his old friend even more.

Allie lifted her head off his chest, began fiddling with one of the buttons on his shirt. It was an absent gesture, but he had to pace his breaths in order to contain the warmth it stirred in his belly. “Braden,” she said, fixing those blue eyes on him.

“Yes?” The single word came out tight and raspy. His pulse was hammering.

“I’ve always trusted you,” she said. “Entirely. And if I came to you during those weak moments in my life, it’s because I knew you wouldn’t take advantage. For whatever reason, I’ve just always known you’d do right by me.”

“Well,” he said, “whether it was right or wrong, it’s done. Doesn’t matter that I might do things differently if I could go back, does it?”

Allie pinched her lips shut as she shook her head. “Nope. But Braden, I’m not the reason, right? That you never got married?”

“Naw,” he said. “I dated women. Got serious with a few. Was engaged once even. They just didn’t work out.” He knew the topic was a lead-in to what he needed to tell Allie, but he didn’t want to ruin the moment. “Was complicated. But definitely not your fault.”

Her fingers curled around his shirt collar as she nodded, the look of contemplation set on her pretty face.

“One thing I hope you understand though,” Braden said, “for what it’s worth, is that my self-control had nothing to do with my desire for you. I considered making a million moves on those nights. But I was a stronger man back then.” His gaze fell to her lips as he gulped. “Stronger than I am now.”

A smile crossed Allie’s lips as she moved in, gracing him with the slightest touch. In the back of his mind he knew that Allie had given him the perfect opportunity to tell him about why he’d broken off the engagement. He should’ve taken it, could still take it now, but he didn’t. Instead he parted his lips and leaned into her next kiss.