“Is Jade okay?”
“Not really.”
It really did pain me to know that she was hurting. I felt bad for her and remained confused about where things stood with Justin and me.
“What do we do now?” I asked.
“I’ve already told you what I want to do.”
“I thought this morning you said you came to the conclusion it was a bad idea, that you didn’t want that with me anymore.”
“I never said that. What I meant was that I was out of line in the way I presented it to you. I was being overly aggressive because I felt threatened, came on to you like a caveman. I never explicitly said I didn’t want it, and for the record, neither did you.”
“I explained my reservations…”
“And I understand them. I fully get why you’re afraid to take things to a sexual level with me. The logical side of me thinks you’re right, but the
illogical
side of me doesn’t give a fuck and is only thinking about lifting you over my face right now and making you come while you ride my mouth.”
Those words hit me straight between the legs.
He went on, “The fact that you just squirmed in your seat is proof that you also have an illogical side. Maybe our illogical sides need to meet sometime.” He leaned into me and grinned. “But not tonight. Despite your threatening to find a fuck buddy…you’re not ready. That would be like jumping over all the letters of the alphabet from A to Z.”
“You’ve been watching too much Sesame Street with Bea.”
“Fuck. Maybe. Anyway, you’re at level A right now. My dick is at level Z. And it doesn’t match up. That was one of the things I figured out on my drive tonight. That you’re not there yet despite all your talk about hotel sex.” He got up. “I’ll be right back.”
When he returned, he was holding something behind his back. “What’s the one thing we did when we were younger whenever we were in a shitty mood or just didn’t know what the fuck to do with ourselves?”
“We’d watch
The Big Lebowski
.”
He displayed the DVD from behind him. “Bingo.”
“I can’t believe you still have that.”
“Always have it on hand.”
“I’ll pop some popcorn,” I said, eagerly running to the kitchen, relieved that the tension in the air had lessened. He was right. I wasn’t ready. I didn’t want to lose him, but as much as I wanted him, I wasn’t ready for a sexual relationship with him or anyone.
We sat in comfortable silence watching the cult movie that in retrospect was probably way too inappropriate for our former thirteen-year-old selves. But neither of us had parents who’d monitored what we watched back then. The opening scene where the main character got his head shoved in a toilet brought back so many memories. We used to think it was the greatest thing ever.
Midway through the flick, Justin lay on his back, resting his head on my lap. Without thinking it through, I did what felt natural and massaged my hand through the silky strands of his hair.
He let out a slight groan of pleasure as he continued to watch the movie while I played with his hair.
At one point, he turned to me, and I instinctively moved my hand off of him, remembering the time last summer when he’d told me to stop. “Why did you stop?” He realized it on his own. “No way I’m telling you to stop this time, Amelia. Please keep doing it. It feels so good.”
I kept at it for the better part of a half-hour.
My attention was no longer on the movie when I asked, “What else did you figure out on your drive tonight?”
“That I still love your dimples.” He looked up at me. “I haven’t figured it all out; but I know that for sure.”
September turned into October as we welcomed autumn and the changing colors of the leaves on the trees surrounding the island. In the month since the night we watched
The Big Lebowski
, things stayed pretty innocent between us; we hadn’t discussed sex again nor attempted to define our relationship. But we were getting closer organically.
Bea was now seven months and developing more of a personality every day.
Justin had taken one short trip to New York at the end of September to meet with his music agent who’d set up a studio session to record some of his original songs for a demo. Overall, we were still taking it day by day, and there was no clear indication of when, or even if, he’d be going back to the city for good.
Halloween fell on a Saturday this year. We decided to take Bea to a local pumpkin patch. Justin snapped lots of photos of me and my daughter amongst the sea of orange and hay. We took a few selfies of the three of us as well. I knew I would always treasure those pictures. Justin and I sipped hot cider as we enjoyed the crisp air with a rosy-cheeked Bea, who was bundled up in a hat and mittens. Despite the fact that there are thousands of days in the course of a life, this was the kind of day you just knew you’d never forget for as long as you lived.
The plan was to spend a few hours out then return home to give out candy while dressed in our costumes.
Knowing that Halloween was always my favorite holiday, Justin went all out. After the pumpkin patch, he dropped Bea and me off at the house before heading to the Christmas Tree Shops in nearby Middletown, where they sold lots of seasonal Halloween items.
It was nightfall by the time he returned with a ton of bags. He’d purchased a plethora of orange and black decorations along with packages of candy and a bumblebee costume for Bea.
“They didn’t have any suitable costumes for us at the Christmas Tree Shops, so I went to a couple of other places. That’s why I’m late. I couldn’t decide on yours, so I got more than one.”
“Well, let’s see.” I reached out my arm. “Hand them over.” One of the bags was from Island Costumes, and the other was from…Adam and Eve. “Isn’t Adam and Eve an adult novelty store?”
“Yeah. It was right next door to the costume place.”
He flashed a wicked grin as I squinted my eyes suspiciously. Opening the other bag first, I took out a Catwoman costume which was one-piece and made out of black nylon. It also came with a mask.
“That’s for tonight…for the trick or treaters,” he said.
“What’s the other one for?”
“For…whenever. I just thought you’d look good in it.”
I reluctantly opened the Adam and Eve bag and pulled out a white sheer piece of material with red accents. There were little patches in the shapes of crosses at the nipple area, and you could literally see right through the fabric.
My eyes widened as I read the tag. “Nurse Feel Good?”
“It reminded me of when you took care of me when I was sick.” His face was unusually flush, like he’d actually been embarrassed to give it to me.
“You want me to wear this?”
He bit his bottom lip. “Not now.”
I looked down at the tag again. “Panties not included. Something tells me that’s because I’m not supposed to wear any?”
“Look…I know I may never actually get to see you in that. Honestly, I just got really turned on in the store thinking about you in it. I had to buy it. A guy can dream, right?”
He was getting turned on thinking about me, and I was getting really turned on thinking about him getting turned on thinking about me.
I cleared my throat. “What are you going to be?”
Winking, he said, “It’s a surprise.”
We had about an hour before the trick or treaters were set to start arriving. Justin hung the orange lights along the window and put some lit carved pumpkins outside along the steps. He dimmed the main lights in the house and lit candles. It was a cross between spooky, romantic and cozy.
“Living in the city, I really missed Halloween,” he said, ripping open bags and filling the bowl with candy. “You don’t get trick or treaters at the apartment.”
I smiled inwardly, noticing he’d bought extra of my favorite candy bars from when we were kids, Almond Joy.
“I’m gonna go upstairs and get Bea dressed, get into my costume, too,” I said.
“Alright. I’ll go change after you.”
Upstairs, I slipped into the slinky black outfit which looked like it could have been spray painted onto my body. Placing the mask on, I looked at myself in the mirror. It was pretty damn sexy, actually. It was no wonder why he’d chosen it. My own knee-high black leather stiletto boots completed the look. Bea was standing in the crib looking amused at seeing her mommy in this getup.
After getting her into the furry bumblebee costume, we returned downstairs.
Justin’s eyes popped as he looked me up and down. “Wow. Look at you. I definitely picked the right costume.”
“Not very scary. More sexy.”
“Well, you’re scaring me stiff.” He wriggled his brows before taking Bea from me and kissing her on the cheek. “You are officially a bumblebee now, Bumblebee.” Carrying her over to the window, he said. “Look at the lights, Bea. I put them up for you.” He’d gone off with her, his voice no longer audible as he whispered in her ear while showing her the decorations. He took her outside to look at the carved pumpkins.
I just stood back and watched them, wondering when exactly we’d become a little family. Was there an exact moment when we had crossed over? As much as I wanted to deny it as a self-protective mechanism, the past four months with Justin had felt more like a family experience than anything else in my entire life ever had. Scary or not, it had happened—both of us unable to admit it to each other. It had just evolved naturally without discussion. But while Bea was my entire life for at least the next eighteen years, was Justin only temporarily playing house? That remained to be seen.
Justin walked over and handed her to me. “I’m gonna go change. Be right back.”
The first group of trick or treaters arrived before Justin returned. Carrying Bea in one arm, I grabbed the large bowl and headed to the door to give out the candy.
As I was waving them off, I felt the warmth of his body behind me.
“I’m back.”
When I turned around, the sight of him nearly knocked the wind out of me. Justin was dressed in all black. He was supposed to be a SWAT team officer. A short sleeve black shirt displayed his muscular arms. A black vest with the words SWAT in white covered the shirt. He was wearing sleek black pants and heavy combat boots. It was one of the hottest things I’d ever seen.
“Oh my…” My body was burning up beneath my tight spandex getup.
“You like it?”
“Yeah…I love it.”
“They didn’t have a ton of costumes left in my size. It was either this or a clown. I didn’t want to scare Bea.”
“This was…yeah…a very good call.”
“I’m glad you think so,” he whispered close to my neck.
We only got a few trick or treaters, but it was still exciting anytime anyone knocked on the door. I was grateful that Roger was out in Irvine visiting his daughter, so that I didn’t have to deal with any potential awkwardness between him and Justin. If Roger were home, he might have stopped in to say hello. We hadn’t gone out again since the jazz festival. Things between Justin and me had evolved a bit since then.
It was almost time to call lights out. Cheri from next door had stopped in to see Bea in her costume. As I lingered at the door after saying goodbye to her, I looked over at Justin and Bea in the kitchen. As I watched him rocking her to sleep, a realization hit me. Whether I avoided a sexual relationship with him or not, my heart was already invested. In my mind, he belonged to me. So avoiding him physically out of fear just meant that I was missing out on something I desperately needed and wanted. Whether we had sex or not, if he left, I’d be just as devastated. Looking over at him in that sexy as hell SWAT uniform, I just knew I couldn’t let fear prevent me from experiencing it any longer.
I walked over to the both of them and kissed Bea’s head softly. When I looked up at him, he was already looking down at me with an intensity that almost seemed as if he knew exactly what I’d been thinking just seconds earlier. He cupped my entire face in his hand and pulled me firmly into his lips. It was the first time we’d kissed since the moment right before my date with Roger. This kiss was different than that one; it was tender.
My whole body felt limp as he spoke gruffly over my lips, “Why don’t you put her to bed.”
I simply nodded. My legs felt wobbly as I walked up the stairs. In my room, I carefully removed Bea from her costume so as not to wake her and placed her in the crib.
As I took off my Catwoman leotard, I stared over at the Adam and Eve bag taunting me on the bureau.
Should I?
I thought about his admission that he’d fantasized about me in it and decided to shock him by putting it on. I placed the sheer material over my head. My swollen breasts were completely exposed with only the red crosses barely covering my nipples. It seriously looked obscenely hot; he was going to freak.
Slipping my own red thong on, I was already wet just thinking about his reaction. Tonight, I was going to be able to touch him, taste him, do all of the things I’d dreamt about. Goosebumps covered my entire body as I tiptoed down the hall.
His door was halfway open while he stood shirtless looking out the window as the moonlight shined on his gorgeous silhouette. Justin had been waiting for me.