Bea was going through a rough patch. She was colicky and still not sleeping much. It didn’t matter how much I fed her, she always wanted more. When I did manage to leave the house, I took her everywhere with me, to the market, to doctor appointments. I hadn’t been out alone since the day she was born. It was just the two of us. I was fine with that. The only times sadness would creep in tended to be late at night when I was most tired and worn out from the day.
One such evening, rain was pelting my bedroom window. Bea was screaming and crying. She’d drained my breasts of milk yet wouldn’t take a bottle. Starting to see stars from fatigue, I just wanted to sleep so badly. I broke out in tears. It felt like this type of torture would be suitable for prison inmates. How was I going to continue to live on no sleep? How would I ever go back to work, and who could possibly take care of her the way I did? A feeling of helplessness consumed me as thunder rolled in the distance. What if we lost power? How would I change her diaper in the dark? It dawned on me that we didn’t even have any candles. A minor panic attack started to brew within me. Deciding to head downstairs, I slowly descended the steps as I held onto Bea carefully.
A half-hour later, my emotions had only gotten worse. My nipples were sore and cracked. Bea was still colicky in my arms. The front door rattled, and full on panic ensued. A rush of adrenaline hit as I frantically reached into my pocket for Justin’s pocketknife. I made sure I wore pajamas with pockets for that very reason.
Someone was breaking into the house.
It occurred to me that my cell phone was upstairs. Bea was screaming, so we couldn’t even hide. The door was shaking again.
“Damn key,” I heard him say as the door opened.
His eyes bugged out of his head as he caught sight of me. Bea was hanging off my boob. My hair was disheveled, and I was stiffly pointing his own knife at him.
“Justin.”
He turned his head away from me. “What the fuck, Amelia. Put down the knife and cover your tit.”
His surprise arrival had startled me so much that I hadn’t even realized that one of my breasts was sticking out of my nursing bra. I wasn’t wearing a shirt because I rarely slept with one. It was easier to nurse her in just the bra. With Bea in one arm, I walked over to the kitchen and grabbed my cardigan off of one of the stools before covering myself up.
The scene was chaotic as I fumbled with my sweater and spoke through Bea’s excruciating cries, “What are you doing here?”
“Do you always hang around the house in just a bra now? If so, we’re gonna have a problem.”
“I didn’t think you’d show. It’s earlier in the season than you arrived last year. Why didn’t you call me first?”
“For one, I didn’t think you’d be here. I needed to escape the city for a while. I was gonna spend a couple of weeks opening up the house, getting it ready before you arrived.”
Bea’s cries hadn’t waned. I bounced her up and down in an attempt to calm her.
“What’s wrong with her?”
“She’s colicky. I can’t produce enough milk to satisfy her, and she won’t take formula.”
He slowly approached where I was standing and took a peek at Bea’s face. His mouth curved into a slight smile. “She looks like you.”
“I know.”
Now that he was close to me, he took a good look at me as well. “Jesus Christ, Amelia.”
“What?”
“You look like you’ve been through a war.”
“That’s another way of saying I look like shit?”
“Your eyes are bloodshot…hair is knotted. Fuck. You’re a mess.”
“You don’t think I’m aware of that?”
“Have you been sleeping?”
“No. I get very little sleep. She’s going through a rough patch, keeps me up at night and sleeps sporadically during the day.”
“You’ve got the rough
patch
part right.”
“Very funny.”
“You can’t live like this.”
“What exactly do you suggest I do?”
“You can start by taking a shower.”
“I can’t just leave her crying like this.”
“Did it ever occur to you that maybe she’s crying because you stink?” He chuckled.
I was speechless for a moment before breaking out into laughter at my own expense. My God. He could technically be right.
“You might have a point.”
“I’ll hold her while you bathe.”
“Really? You’d do that?”
“I said I would.”
“Have you ever held an infant?”
“No.”
“Are you sure you’re okay with this?”
“I can handle it.”
There was no way I could pass up this opportunity. The thought of a hot shower right now seemed absolutely heavenly.
Handing her carefully to Justin, I warned, “Watch her head. Make sure it doesn’t bend too far back. Support her neck with your arm.”
“I’ve got it.”
Bea looked so tiny in his big arms. She seemed to like being there too; the little bugger stopped crying.
“You’ve got to be kidding me.”
“What?” he asked.
“Haven’t you noticed that she stopped crying?”
“I told you. Maybe you smell.”
“Maybe.” I laughed. “Or it could just be that you’re a chick magnet, and that title extends to infants as well.”
He rocked his body back and forth to soothe her and waved me off. “Shh. Go, Amelia. Before she loses it again.”
“Okay.” I turned around at the foot of the stairs. “Thank you…so much.”
Upstairs, as the hot water poured down on me, I thanked God for Justin showing up when he did. I had really been on my last leg of sanity. Much like he’d always done when we were kids, Justin came through exactly when I needed it. Even if it wasn’t intentional, he was my hero tonight.
Feeling somewhat human again, I stepped out of the shower and got dressed as fast as I could. The fact that it was quiet downstairs didn’t escape me. Still, I felt like I needed to get dressed fast in case Justin was losing patience—or worse, if Bea had pooped.
The reality when I got downstairs was far from what I imagined. Bea’s back was rising and falling as she lay stomach down on Justin’s chest. She was out like a light. He was just sitting on the couch, and things were as peaceful as could be. When he saw me approaching, he held his index finger to his mouth to signify that I should be quiet.
Sitting down on the couch next to him, I just stared in amazement. He didn’t even have to do anything except exist, and he was somehow able to get her to sleep. Who knew that Justin “I Don’t Ever Want Children” Banks was the Baby Whisperer.
He turned to me. “Why don’t you go sleep?”
“What if she wakes up?”
“I’ll deal with it.”
“She’ll wake up wanting to eat.”
“Then I’ll bring her upstairs if that happens. For now, she’s fine.”
“Are you sure?”
“Amelia…”
“Yeah?”
“Does it look like we’re going anywhere anytime soon?” He shooed me away. “Go!”
“Thank you,” I mouthed before heading upstairs.
I barely remembered my head hitting the pillow. It was the longest I’d slept straight since the day before my daughter was born.
Six hours later, the sound of Bea crying woke me. Rubbing my eyes, I could see Justin standing in the doorway with her.
“I tried to put off coming up here as long as I could…” He walked over to me and placed her in my arms. “I’ll leave so you can feed her. I’m gonna hit the sack for a bit.”
“Thank you again so much. I needed that sleep so badly.”
“It was no problem.”
After he left, I took out my breast, and Bea latched on immediately. She smelled like him. I breathed in the masculine scent, and a sexual desire that had been long suppressed came alive in me. It felt so good not to be the only adult in this house anymore, but I needed to keep my feelings in check. Whatever it took, I was not going to let myself become obsessive over Justin again. Being responsible for another human being meant I could no longer afford to become an emotional wreck.
***
It was mid-afternoon when Justin came downstairs. Bea was strapped to my chest in the carrier as I cleaned the kitchen.
“Good morning.” I smiled.
“Hey,” he said groggily.
Just like that, my body awakened with an intense need. He was the very definition of scruffy. His hair was disheveled, and in the daylight, it became apparent that he’d been growing out his stubble. A gray fitted t-shirt looked like it had been painted onto his muscles. Don’t get me started on how good his ass looked in those gym pants.
“How is she?” he asked. My body reacted even more as he stepped closer to peek in on Bea.
“She’s asleep.”
“That figures. The sun is shining. I should’ve known.” He searched my eyes. “How are you?”
“I’m feeling good. You were amazing last night.”
“That’s what they always say.” He winked.
Rolling my eyes, I said, “Thank you again.”
“Stop thanking me.” His face turned serious. “You know…all those times I’d asked how you were doing, you told me you were okay. You didn’t look fucking okay to me last night. You were lying.”
“Justin, this whole thing is my responsibility. What is anyone else gonna really do for me?”
“Has your mother even come to visit?”
“She came to the hospital when Bea was born, but she didn’t offer to stay to help. She’s more concerned with things like traveling to Cancun with her boyfriend and hawking those multi-colored leggings all over the Internet, apparently. You know, priorities.”
“Unfuckingbelievable.” He looked around the house then said, “Nana would have helped.”
“Yes, she would have.” I closed my eyes for a moment, thinking of my grandmother before my thoughts shifted to my mother again. “As for Patricia, I don’t want her with me anyway. Having to deal with her would be like taking care of two babies. ”
“She should still have the decency to offer help, even if you refused.”
“I agree.”
He scratched his head. “I forgot to bring my coffee with me. Do you have any lying around?”
“Actually, I stopped drinking coffee fusion when I found out I was pregnant. The withdrawal was killer. I do have some half-caf in the cupboard.”
“I guess that’ll have to do for now.” He glanced over at Bea. “You don’t think all that fusion did anything to her, do you?”
“You mean why her sleeping is erratic?”
“I feel guilty getting you hooked on that shit. Neither of us knew what was going on.”
“Don’t even. It wasn’t your fault. Look at her. She’s fine.”
He rubbed his chin and grinned. “Yeah. She seems alright.”
“I’m gonna try to put her upstairs in the crib. Then, I’ll come down and make some coffee.”
“I’ve got it,” Justin said.
“You sure?”
“Yep.”
After I put Bea down, Justin was preparing two mugs when I returned to the kitchen.
“Still take cream and sugar?” he asked.
“Yeah. Thanks.”
“How is she?”
“Sleeping like a baby.”
“Good.” He slid my mug toward me.
I took a sip and asked the question I’d been dying to. “Why didn’t Jade come with you?”
“She’s got a regular role in a new musical called The Alley Cats. She can’t leave the city.”
“She’s not coming at all?”
“I’m not sure.”
“How long are you staying?”
He stirred his coffee and shook his head. “I don’t know.”
Dread filled me. Justin had only been here one day, and I was already sad for the day he’d be leaving me alone again.
“Well, I’m glad you’re here.”
We drank coffee in silence until I noticed Justin staring down at my breasts.
Coughing, he asked, “Did you spill coffee on yourself?”
I looked down and sure enough, breast milk was leaking from my nipples, forming two giant wet spots. “Shit. No. I’m leaking milk. I’d go change, but it’s just gonna happen again until she wakes up.”
“Jesus. I’m so glad I’m not a woman.”
God. I’m glad you’re not a woman, too.
“Welcome to my life.” When he continued to look down, I joked, “You don’t have to look. My eyes are up here.”
“Your tits are massive. You have to know that.”
“Oh, I’m quite aware. It’s a supply and demand issue. The more she drinks—which is all the time—the more I make. It’s all she wants to do when she’s awake.”
“I can’t say I blame her.”
I knew my face was turning red. What was happening to me? I couldn’t be a walking zombie on no sleep and deal with this infatuation again. I didn’t even feel sexy anymore. Nevertheless, I was falling right back into the pattern of lusting after this man.