Rookie (17 page)

Aliza picked up the pad, quickly writing.  “Is it just Hugh?”

“Sometimes, it’s Grant,” Sidney said.  She described for
Aliza the tumultuous relationship they’d had – how Grant had demanded sex, thinking that he deserved it.

As she spoke, she explained her dreams in further detail, cringing at times, crying at others.  When she finished,
Aliza set her pad down again and clasped her hands between her knees.

“Sidney, I think that you are so focused on these negative sexual experiences,” she said.  “They’ve traumatized you nearly as much as losing your parents.”

“You..you think so?” Sidney asked, wiping the tears from her cheeks.

“Yes,”
Aliza said.  “And I think you can understand why.  Sometimes people use sex, not for gratification, but for control.”

It made sense.  Grant’s main objective, it seemed now, was to own her.  He’d wanted her to be at his beck and call and it had damaged his ego when she’d ended it.

They spoke quietly for quite some time until Aliza decided they should stop and continue the conversation when Sidney visited the Center.  They made arrangements to meet the next week, Aliza promising to introduce Sidney to some of the ladies that came to the Center.

After
Aliza left, Sidney pondered the conversation and some of Aliza’s suggestions as she carried the empty cookie plate and lemonade pitcher into the kitchen.

“How’d it go?” Mrs. B asked as she took the dishes from Sidney.

“Fine,” Sidney said, gnawing on her bottom lip.

“You look a little distracted,” Mrs. B frowned.  “Are you all right?”

“Oh, sure,” Sidney said, lifting her face to smile.  “She just gave me a lot to think about, that’s all.”

Mrs. B placed the plate in the dishwasher and then looked at Sidney, concern etched in her eyes.  She set the pitcher on the counter and crossed her arms over her chest.  “Anything you want to talk about?”

“No, but thanks,” Sidney said, forcing her smile to broaden.  “I’ve just spent the past hour or so talking.  I’m a little talked out.  I think I’ll go change into something a little more comfortable before dinner.”

“Well, don’t get too gussied up.  It’s just you and me,” Mrs. B said.  “Rob has a dinner meeting and won’t be home.”

Sidney wondered briefly who Rob could possibly be meeting tonight.  She’d been trying to keep up with his schedule and other things going on at the office with the laptop that was networked with the studio.  She didn’t recall anything scheduled nor had he been on a scouting trip lately, either.

Maybe it’s personal and not business.

She shoved the thought from her mind, not wanting to add anymore turmoil to her already heavy heart.

After a light dinner, she curled up on the sofa, the television playing softly in the background, and tried to finish the romance novel she’d gotten into.   Her mind was not on the heroine’s problems, though. Instead, it lingered on
her own worries.

Aliza
had given her loads to think about.  Sidney hadn’t exactly had the best experiences in the sex department.  And romance – forget it.  She’d thought at one time that things might be good with Grant but that had turned sour almost immediately.

“Maybe I’m not meant for love,” she mused quietly, aware of Mrs. B playing about in the kitchen before retiring to her quarters.  “Maybe I’m meant to be everyone’s friend.  Maybe I’ll grow old in a little house with a bunch of cats and dogs for company.”

Maybe you’re losing your mind – talking to yourself.

A tiny smile touched her lips and she set the book down, rested her head on her cast, and focused her eyes on the TV.  It didn’t take long until she drifted off into a light sleep.

***

“Rookie.”

Her eyelids fluttered, her vision blurred, as her fuzzy mind registered the voice.  Slowly, she lifted her head to see Rob hovering over her, worry etched in the lines of his face.

“Hey,” he said with a grin.

“Hey,” she said around a yawn.  “What time is it?”

“After midnight,” he said as he sank to the sofa beside her.

“That was some business dinner,” she said, covering her mouth as another yawn hit.  “New band?”

“Nah,” he said, dodging her eyes.  His back stiffened as he inched away, dropping his head to fiddle with his tie.  A slight scent of champagne hit her nose and she wondered what he’d been celebrating.  “It was nothing, really.”

“Oh.”

Draping his arm on the back of the sofa, he lifted his eyes.  “How did the session go?”

“Okay.”  It was her turn to avoid his eyes.  “We talked about a lot of stuff.  Mostly dealing with the nightmares.”

“And?” he prodded.

She shrugged as she played with a stray fiber on her cast.  “Well, we talked about the reason behind the nightmares.  You know – the stuff Hugh tried with me when I was living with him.”

She glanced up in time to catch the dark look shadow his face. “What did that man do to you, Sidney?”

Shaking her head, she took his hand with her good one.  “He never molested me, I promise.  He probably would have if I would have stayed, though.”

“So,” Rob said, giving her hand a squeeze.  “This pig is behind your nightmares?”

Taking a deep breath, she turned her head, her eyes on the black and white movie on the TV.  “It seems so.  Aliza thinks that Hugh and Grant both traumatized me.  She also thinks that the issues I have with sex is because of them, too.”

His brow furrowed. 
“Issues with sex?”

Nodding, her cheeks burned.  “I, well, I haven’t ever… you know. 
Aliza thinks because every sexual experience I’ve had has been negative.  She theorizes that if I experience sex in a warm, loving manner, it might help me to get past the whole Grant/Hugh thing.”

She was explaining it poorly, not able to articulate it the way that
Aliza had.  It had made sense when Aliza had explained it, but Sidney just couldn’t form the right words to get it across to Rob.

“So,” Rob said, very slowly.  “If you … what?  If you get involved in a loving relationship, it will help?”

Sidney scrunched up her nose.  “I don’t know if it’s that easy.  I mean, maybe that would help.  But the way Aliza explained it was that if I experience sex with someone that I love and care about – someone that I trust, that it could possibly make my brain see that sex isn’t something to fear.  Or something like that.”

Skepticism painted Rob’s face.  “This is her professional opinion?”

“She’s not a psychiatrist, remember,” Sidney said.  “This is just something that she’s seen in her work with women.”

Pursing his lips, he nodded.

“So, I guess if I want to get over these nightmares,” she said in a light tone, trying to dispel the serious atmosphere, “I should try sleeping with someone I trust.  Someone I care about.”

She turned her head to find a curious look on his face.  In an instant, something sparked in his eyes.  Like a spring, he was on his feet.

“Sid,” he said, running his hands through his hair.  “I don’t know about this.”

Confused, she watched as he paced, until realization set in.  She hadn’t asked him, but maybe, possibly, it wasn’t such a horrible idea.

“I…” she stammered, wondering if she really was asking or if she was trying to set him straight.

“I mean,” he continued, not daring to look at her.  “Yes, I care about you, a lot, but we have a great friendship.  Something like this could ruin that.”

“Only if we let it,” she said, slightly stung that he was refusing her.  Sure, she wasn’t gorgeous like Melanie, but was she that repulsive?

Scrubbing his face, he stopped in the middle of the living room.  She stood and crossed to him.

“I didn’t mean to… well, make this an issue with us or anything,” she said, her tongue twisting.  “I don’t know what I was trying to say.”

He dropped his hands from his face and they landed on his shoulders.  “You know that I’d do anything for you, Rookie.  And I want more than anything for you to get over these nightmares so you can get back to your life.  But I don’t know if this is a good idea.”

Spurred by his reluctance, she set her chin and held his gaze.  “There is no one in this world that I trust more than you.  I don’t know of anyone else who could…help me… with this and not take advantage of it.  We don’t have to let this ruin our friendship or our working relationship.  I think you and I are strong enough to keep that from happening.”

Sighing, his thumbs stroked her shoulders through the thin fabric of her shirt.  So many emotions passed through his eyes that she began to have second thoughts.  What was she doing?  Did she really think that she could go through with this? 

“If we do this,” he said, holding up a finger.  “And I mean if, then it can only be once, okay?”

She
nodded, her heart flying like a humming bird.  “And no one can know.  We can’t tell anyone, Sid.  They’d look at us differently and never take our working relationship seriously.  Do you understand?”

“Of course.”

He threw his head back, staring at the ceiling as though waiting for an answer.

“I can’t believe I’m saying this, but okay.”

Her eyes grew as her stomach lurched.  What had she done?

Taking her hand, he led her up the stairs and to his bedroom.  He shut and locked the door after turning on the light and dimming it.

“If you decide at any time that you don’t want to do this, you tell me,” he said as he took her by the shoulders and bent to look into her eyes.

She nodded, too afraid that if she spoke, something stupid might come out of her mouth.

He cupped her face and brushed his lips softly across hers.  Her eyes shut and her heart sang as he applied more pressure, eventually deepening the kiss.  Her arms wrapped around his neck as he guided her to the bed.  Before helping her into it, he broke the kiss to lift her shirt over her head.  Immediately heat flooded her cheeks.  Although the lights were dim, he was still going to be able to see her body.  She only hoped that he wouldn’t compare her petite frame to the luscious bodies of other women that he’d been with.

His lips found hers again, chasing away all thoughts from her mind.  He moved to her cheek, trailing kisses down her neck as he helped her out of her shorts.  Gently, he lifted her and placed her on the bed, his body hovering over hers.

“Still okay with this?” he asked, his voice husky.  She nodded and was rewarded with a beautiful smile.

Taking his time, he kissed and explored every inch of her, flooding her mind with bliss, making her body come alive.  Never before had she experienced such sensations.  He knew exactly where to place soft kisses, bringing chills to her spine and causing bumps to rise on her arms and legs.  When she arched her back as he returned to her throat, he took advantage and unhooked her bra.  She sucked in a huge breath, making him pause to look into her eyes.

“Still good?” he asked in a tight voice.

“Yes,” she squeaked.

He quickly shed her of her undergarments before removing his clothes.  Reaching across her, he opened a drawer.  She could hear things rattling around but didn’t want to speak or ask him what he was doing. 

He shut the door, opened a package, and lifted off of her for a moment.  It only took her a second to figure out why.

“Sid,” he said, her name heavy in his voice.  “It’s going to hurt.  I’m going to go slowly and try to not let it hurt too badly, but there’s not a whole lot that I can do about it.”

“I know,” she said, her voice strangled.  “It will be all right.”

The pain was awful.  She held her breath as he eased inside of her, but it still hurt.  He kissed her cheeks, her neck, her lips, trying to get her focus on him and not the pain.  After a bit, the pain subsided and she was able to relax.

It was over before she knew it and even though a magical, mind-numbing, world-changing event hadn’t occurred, she still felt at total peace with her body.

“Are you okay?” Rob asked once he caught his breath.

“Yes,” she said, snuggling into him.  Her body hummed as her heart continued to perform intricate acrobatics. “Thanks.”

Chuckling, he held her close.  “I hope I didn’t hurt you too badly.”

She shook her head.  “I feel pretty good right now.”

Rolling to his side, he kissed her.  “Good.  If you want, you can use my bathroom to…well, freshen up.”

Shyly, she took the t-shirt he offered – his t-shirt – and pulled it over her head.  Once she made it into the bathroom, she cleaned up and then stared at her reflection.  A smile curled her lips and no matter how hard she tried, it wouldn’t go away.  Shrugging, she leaned over the sink, curious to see if there were any noticeable changes to her face.  Besides the smile and a radiant sort of glow, she could see none.

She turned toward the door and paused.  What now?  Did she thank him again and then head to her room?  Or did she crawl back into bed with him?

Taking a breath, she stepped out of the bathroom and found Rob fixing the sheets.  He turned to her and smiled.