Romancing My Love (Love in Bloom: The Bradens) Contemporary Romance (19 page)

“I don’t know. I just know that this isn’t like lying about cheating on someone. I didn’t do this to hurt you, Pierce. I did what I felt I had to.” Her eyes welled with tears, but her voice was so angry that he couldn’t tell if they were tears of anger or sadness.

“And I didn’t do it to deceive you. I kept it from you so you could decide if you liked me for me without having to fix me or toss me aside because I was…homeless.” Her shoulders dropped as the word fell from her lips.

Homeless. Holy Christ. Homeless
. The word stung Pierce as badly as he could see it had stung her. He reached for her hand and she shrugged away. It was agonizing not being able to hold her, feeling like they were on the opposite sides of a fence when really he wanted her inside his fence, always, right there beside him.

“Okay, okay,” he managed. “Let’s both take a deep breath.” He scrubbed his face with his hands. There was so much he wanted to understand. “Why the car, Rebecca? Why didn’t you stay at a shelter?”

“You won’t understand.” She sat back down on the rock.

“Try me.”

She drew in another uneven breath. “Because staying at a shelter is like saying I’d really hit rock bottom.”

“It’s about being safe.”

“I was safe.”

“In your car? Do you know what could have happened to you?” Just the thought made his skin crawl.

That sent her to her feet again, pacing the small clearing. “Yes. Okay? Yes. Every time I walked into that cold parking garage, I knew what
could
happen to me. Every time I woke up to the sound of a car door slamming or wheels squealing, I knew.” A tear slipped down her cheek. “I did what I had to do, and damn it, Pierce, I made it out the other side without any of those awful things happening to me, and—
oh God
—I showered at the gym every morning after my workout, I kept applying for jobs, so please don’t think that I was dirty or any of those awful things that go along with being homeless.”

The word stung as badly the second time around.

“I wasn’t dirty or…
broken
. I was just broke.” She covered her face with her hands, but not before Pierce saw tears stream down her cheeks.

He folded her into his arms and didn’t release her when she halfheartedly shrugged him off. “Oh, Becca. I don’t care about any of those things. I just wish you would have told me.”

“Right.” She sniffled, wiped her tears. “So you could
save
me.”

“Maybe,” he said honestly. “I don’t know. I certainly liked you enough to want to save you. But I have a feeling you wouldn’t have let me.” On the surface she looked vulnerable, fragile, with damp eyes and a trembling lower lip, but behind the tears he saw fierce determination.

“I love you, Rebecca. Whether you lived in your car, on the street, or in a boat on a river makes no difference. My love for you isn’t contingent on any of those things. It’s unconditional.” He pressed his lips to her forehead.

She closed her eyes and he held her close, feeling her heart beating against his. He knew how hard this was for her. She wore her pride like armor, and to have this secret revealed—a secret she thought was so powerful that it might change his love for her—explained the fight he felt in her rigid body.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I was so worried that you would judge me.”

“The only judgment I’ll make is that you impress the hell out of me, Rebecca. You’ve overcome so much, and you haven’t backed down on your principles, or let it define you. I think I’m the luckiest guy on earth to have you in my life.”

When he tried to draw back and look into her eyes, she fisted her hands in his shirt and pressed her cheek to his chest.

“Don’t look at me. Just hold me. Please just hold me.”

IT HAD BEEN hours since Pierce had found out about Rebecca living in her car. In an effort to move past the reveal of her most intimate secret, they’d gone to a specialty store and bought a set of monogrammed champagne flutes for Daisy and Luke, had a nice dinner out on Pierce’s patio, and still Rebecca couldn’t shake the feeling of embarrassment. She hated that now when he looked at her he probably saw an image of her sleeping in her car. He’d never say as much—she’d probably scared him into keeping that kind of thought to himself. But she saw something different in his eyes, and she’d been trying to dodge it all evening. It was inescapable. It followed her around the room, stealing pieces of them. He kissed her more softly, more lovingly, instead of heated and impassioned. And what made matters worse was that she wasn’t sure if it was intentional or a reflection of how she was acting.

Pierce was busy talking on the phone to someone about the Grand, and as much as she hated herself for it, she just wanted to be alone. She needed to come to grips with the fact that now he knew. He was acting like he accepted the revealing of her most embarrassing point in her life like it didn’t make any difference at all, but she knew it had to. How could it not?

I lived in my car
.

How could he just accept it? He had to be connecting her to something unsavory, didn’t he? Or was she losing her mind? One minute they were driving down Meet My Family Lane and the next, she could barely look at him without feeling like he pitied her.

She needed to get past this.

Rebecca closed her eyes and rested her head back on the couch, listening to Pierce’s voice filter in from his home office. His voice was sharp when he was discussing business; his answers were succinct and confident, unlike when he was talking with her. Everything about Pierce was different with her than with anyone else. She smiled at the thought of how his rich, smooth voice wrapped around her like a velvet drape and warmed her to her core.

Will it still feel that way? Or will I always see and hear pity no matter what he does?

Oh God
.  She loved him so much it hurt to think about things between them being different.  She heard footsteps approaching from his office, felt his presence behind the couch, and a moment later, she felt his lips on her forehead.

She loved his lips on her forehead.

“Sorry that took so long, babe.”

Smooth as silk
. She opened her eyes and damn it. She was sure it was her imagination, but she saw something different in his eyes. They were softer. Softer? Like he had to handle her with kid gloves?
Ugh
. She couldn’t take it. Even if it was in her mind, she needed to figure out how to get past it, and she couldn’t do that here with him.

She rose to her feet. “Pierce, would you mind if I stayed at my place tonight?”

“Wha…? Your place?” He came around the couch and reached for her hands. “Why?”

“I just need a little space to think. I…”

He drew her down to the couch beside him. “Babe, talk to me. Please don’t shut me out. What’s wrong?”

“I can’t—”
Look at you without seeing pity
. She looked away. “I just need a little time to think clearly.”

“To
think
clearly? How about telling me what’s really going on? Are you upset that I said I wished you’d told me about staying in your car?” His tone was compassionate, but she heard an edge to his voice.

“No. No, that’s not it. I just…I think I need time to deal with it all coming out in the open.” She met his gaze, and everything good about them swirled around her. She was herself with Pierce, and even though she knew it was a struggle for him not to wave his money around and make all her troubles go away, he respected her need to do some things for herself. At the same time, he pushed in the areas that made sense. And she liked those things he pushed for: opening doors for her, pulling out chairs, wanting to protect her when they were out. She’d noticed the way he held her tighter when other men were around and the way he always took an extra second to make sure they were in sync in the bedroom. She loved so much about him that she needed to get ahold of this other stuff that was clouding her vision before she ruined everything.

“I feel funny about all of it. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you right away, but I did what I felt I had to. Now that you know, I just feel weird. I think I need a little time to digest it all.”

He pulled her closer. “Can’t you digest it with me?”

“No, because every time I look at you, I feel it between us.” She pulled back. “Not between us like breaking us up, just like it was this big thing that…” She shook her head to try to clear her thoughts. “I don’t know how to explain this except to be brutally honest.”

“Babe, I’m used to your brutal honesty, so go ahead. Give it to me.”

“You’re looking at me with probably the same look you always have, but I see something so different. You’ve been kissing me with all the tenderness and all the love a woman could ask for, and I can’t shake the feeling that it’s because of everything that’s come out. It’s stupid, and I realize that, but, Pierce, even if you can get past this, I need to be able to get past it, too.”

“I’m past it, Bec. You lived in your car. I get it.” He stared into her eyes. “What do you need to get past? You’re no longer in that car. You’ve got two places to live.”

He wasn’t hiding a damn thing. Not one single emotion. It was all right there on his face—
he loves me
—but
damn it
, she still saw pity.

“Hard times call for drastic measures. You did what you had to do, and keeping it from me was just what you felt was right. I hope that you know now that there’s nothing you can’t trust me with, but I don’t think of you any differently than I did before I knew. What you see in my eyes is love, Rebecca, plain and simple.”

“That’s just it, Pierce. You can tell me all the right things, but it isn’t changing what I see and what I hear. I
know
this is my issue, not yours. I love you so much. God, I never thought—never dared dream—that I’d ever love someone, or be loved by someone, as much as I love you. And yet here we are. My mom’s pictures are in your house, my clothes are in your closet, and you? You’ve taken up residence in my heart and there’s no evicting you.”

That earned her a smile that made her vision even cloudier.

“What are you really afraid of?” Pierce kissed the back of her hand.

“Nothing.” It was a knee-jerk response. She was afraid of plenty of things. Not being able to make her life happen the way she wanted it and being looked at like a charity case fought for the top of the list. Maybe they weren’t normal fears for a woman her age, but they were hers, and she couldn’t do a damn thing to make them go away. She had other fears, too. Like right now, she was afraid that walking out the door might change things forever with Pierce, but staying there and not working the kinks out in her own mind might do more harm than a night or two apart could ever do.

This was one of those times when she wished she had her mother to talk to. She didn’t allow her mind to go down that lonely path often. Rebecca had become an expert at compartmentalizing her feelings, and the only way to keep herself from hurting too much was to keep those wish-my-mom-was-here moments in a compartment called Don’t Go There.

She went there.

She couldn’t help it.

Pierce was so deeply embedded in her heart—in her every breath. He was nestled up against the memory of her mother. She closed her eyes against fresh tears and felt his arms gather her close again. She breathed him in, feeling safe and loved—and like she needed to clear her stupid head before she ruined everything.

“Babe,” he whispered. “It’s okay. Stay at your place if you need to. Do you want me to drive you over?”

She shook her head and gripped his shirt so tightly she thought it might rip, but she couldn’t let go.

He kissed the top of her head; then he pressed his big, safe hands to her cheeks and wiped her tears with his thumbs.

“Hate me if you must, but I wish I could fix whatever’s making you so sad.”

She laughed through her tears. He lowered his lips to hers, and her salty tears mixed with their kisses. She tried to kiss her heartache away, but it just made her feel like there was a deep well traveling down the center of her body and boring an ugly hole. She pushed away, breathing hard at the thought.

“You know I love you, right?” she asked.

He nodded.

“Say it. Please. I need to know that you know I’m not walking out that door to break us up. I’m doing it to keep us together.” She knew she was overreacting. She had a feeling in her gut that her loathing of pity was a mask for something else, but for the life of her she couldn’t figure out what—and she knew she needed to before it ruined everything good in her life.

He wiped her tears again, and the edges of his lips curved, just a little, like his smile was afraid to come forth.  “I know you love me, Rebecca. But don’t ask me to pretend that I don’t want to beg you to stay. I can’t do that any more than I can pretend that I don’t want to pay off your debt, pay for your classes, and set you up with a job you’re worthy of, where you can learn and grow and make all your dreams come true.” He pressed a hard kiss to her lips. “All I can do is love you and trust that you know what you need, and hope that one day you’ll find what you need right here by my side.”

PIERCE PACED HIS driveway long after Rebecca’s taillights disappeared. He was trying like hell to be understanding, but damn it, this sucked—and it fucking hurt. What was he supposed to do now? He was a man with the means to do just about anything, except look at the woman he loved in a way that showed her how much he loved her and couldn’t be misinterpreted as pity.

He didn’t pity her.

Damn it. He was sick of having his hands tied. Rebecca needed him to love her the way she deserved to be loved. He respected her pride—maybe too damn much—but didn’t she have to respect his, too?

There was only one thing he could do, because there was no fucking way he was going to let their relationship hang in the wings while he was in LA.

He went inside and set up the calendar Rebecca had picked out for him, and then he wrote the things he planned for the next few days and set an early alarm on his phone. If he could give his all to his business, he could give more than that to Rebecca—in ways she couldn’t help but love.

He hoped.

Damn, did he hope.