Riversong (38 page)

“Thanks for staying,” she said.

“Lee, I wouldn't leave, after all we've been through.” Everything about him sagged, the lines in his face seemed deeper and his voice was hollow and sad. “She's beautiful.”

“Did Ellen tell you what Joshua found?”

“Yeah, she showed me the letter when we were looking for you.” He smiled and raised his eyebrows. “Can't believe I didn't see it before.”

“Knowing I was wanted, that he wouldn't have walked away, well, it's made things easier to accept. And, knowing about Ellen is better than those fantasies I used to come up with as a kid.”

He flinched and turned towards the window. “I'm glad.”

“Tommy, you're better than any fantasy I could come up with, too. I know I've hurt you and I'm truly sorry. I don't want this to be ruined.”

He turned to her, sat on the side of the hospital bed, sighing and running his hands through his hair. “All these months, keeping this secret.”

“What would you have done if you'd known?”

“Sold everything I owned to pay him off and if that wasn't enough, gone after him myself.”

“See, I knew that, and I couldn't let anything happen to you because of me.”

He puffed his cheeks and threw up his hands. “You've got to be the most exasperating woman that ever lived. That's not the way this works. Love isn't like your lists. When you love someone there's nothing you won't do for them, and sometimes that means it's a colossal mess. I've felt from the first moment I saw you that we're connected in some kind of mysterious, other-world way. You fought it instead of giving into it and I couldn't understand why, until I figured out your secret was bigger than my love for you. You allowed it to be bigger than my love for you. But it was an excuse because deep down you didn't believe you're worthy of my love. And that's where you're wrong because you don't get to decide. Because the way I see you, the way I feel about you - I get to decide that.”

“I know.”

He stared at the floor, his voice soft. “I've been miserable without you.” He rubbed his eyes and then looked at the ceiling. “I've been going insane. I can't sleep. I can't eat.”

“I was too.”

He looked at her. “It can't be like before. No more secrets.”

She reached for his hand. “It won't be. I have nothing left to hide.”

He turned his face towards her and his eyes were wet. “I want you to marry me and I want to adopt the baby. I want to be a family.”

“I want that too.”

He brushed her hair away from her face. “You sure? I know you never wanted to live here and I'll move if you want. I'll go anywhere you want.”

“When I was a child I felt the landscape here run through me like it was part of my blood or bones, like it fed me somehow during those times my mother broke my heart. When I went to art school, I used to paint it from memory, the bend of the river, the arc of the mountains as the sun set behind them, the hue and sway of the dry summer grasses. When I left here I thought my love for these simple treasures would sustain me but as the years passed I lost that feeling. The emptiness, the difficulty of surviving in this world all alone, it took over. I tried to fill that hole with security, money, order, and with the heat of the anger towards my mother. But I see now that this place and our friends, the work of Riversong, these feed me, these fill me. And, you. Especially you.”

Smiling, he took her hands. “I'll spend a lifetime making sure that remains true. You have my word on that.”

“Me too,” she whispered. “Always.”

T
he morning of the baptism ceremony, Lee heard Ellie-Rose howling from the nursery. Knowing that particular cry meant the baby was hungry, she smiled to herself, thinking how desperate she sounded, as if the tiny person thought she might never be fed again. Lee padded down the hall and picked her daughter up out of the crib, nursing her in the glider rocking chair Linus had given her. Ellie-Rose ate ferociously while Lee listened to the wind rustling through the firs and the river's melody mingling with the notes of the winter sparrow. She caressed her daughter's delicate ear and smoothed the strawberry blond hair over the soft spot in the middle of her head.

After Ellie-Rose had her fill, Lee set the wriggling, grinning baby on the floor of the bedroom while she dressed. They'd decided the only solution that seemed right was for her to move into Tommy's house and for Annie and Alder to move into her house. Here there were no memories to haunt her sleep. And Annie and Alder loved the transformed home, with Ellen close by to help.

She heard the front door slam and Tommy's keys drop on the table. He was in the doorway then, sweaty, smelling of lime and the outdoors, watching her for a moment, carefully, like he did. “You look beautiful,” he said to Lee, as he kissed the baby on both cheeks. “How's daddy's girl? Have you been good while I was gone?”

He sang in the shower. She held the baby in her lap, closing her eyes, listening to the sweet notes of his voice while breathing in the perfect smell of her daughter's head. She had no idea she would love a daughter this much. No one had told her it would be this way. She thought of Clive and her cubs then, and sent silent gratitude.

She sat in the front row of the church, cradling warm Ellie-Rose against her chest. It was a non-denominational Christian church built in the simple style of the Shakers, all clean lines and natural wood. The mid-morning light of early December flooded in from the skylights and it smelled of vanilla and lilies that Ellen had grown in her greenhouse for this occasion. Tommy sat next to her, absently playing with his wedding ring and talking in a low voice to the Pastor about the details of Ellie-Rose's baptism.

Dan's parents, Ralph and Betty, sat in the row across from them. For this, their third visit since her birth, they stayed at Linus's newly opened bed and breakfast, The Second Chance Inn. This morning, Ralph, back straight, eyes darting around the church as if looking for something to orchestrate, caught Lee's eye and nodded. Betty gripped a digital camera, dressed in a dark pink suit, her feet held daintily together. Dan's sister was there too, without the husband and children, a hint of the former peace she had before Dan's death there on her face. Last night they'd all eaten at Riversong, passing Ellie-Rose from one to the other, kissing her and making funny faces to get her to laugh. After the dessert, a chocolate soufflé, Betty gave Lee a present to open. It was Dan's christening gown. Betty's eyes filled as she said, “I thought it might be nice for tomorrow, but only if you want.”

Lee hugged her. “It would be lovely,” she said.

Billy, sitting behind Dan's family, fiddled with his tie and looked uncomfortable in a suit a size too big for him. Cindi sat next to him, chomping gum and swinging her crossed leg back and forth. Mike came in with Ray. Lee smiled at them as Mike reached over to pat Tommy's shoulder. “Quite a day. Quite a day.”

Ray nodded in agreement. “Glad to be here.”

Lee rested her head on Tommy's shoulder. He kissed her cheek. She heard someone's coat scrape the back of the bench and turned to see Annie and Alder take the seats behind them. Ellen and Verle walked in next, holding hands like teenagers. Ellen sat next to Alder and whispered something in his ear that made him giggle, while Verle loosened his tie that looked circa 1973. Linus and John came in next, dress shoes clicking on the wood floor of the church and sitting on the other side of Annie. Linus leaned over the bench, resting his hand on her shoulder. “You three need anything?”

Tommy glanced at Lee and down at the baby. “No, we're all set.”

The pastor smiled at them as he came up the aisle and took his place at the podium. Ellie-Rose stirred in her sleep, let out a short squeak, opened her sapphire colored eyes and stared at Lee for a moment before closing them once again and falling asleep, her mouth slack and her little hands splayed on top of the pink blanket.

The pastor asked Tommy and Lee and the godparents, Annie and Linus, to bring the child up to the front. They all rose and joined the pastor. He sprinkled Ellie-Rose with holy water, blessed her and said a few words.

Lee looked down at the bundle in her arms. Ellie-Rose gave a toothless smile and something in the quality of it reminded her of Dan. She thanked him, wherever he was, for giving her the precious gift of this daughter.

As they were walking out of the church, Lee saw Zac standing at the bottom of the church steps. He approached them, saying, “Hope you don't mind if I was here. Just wanted to say hello, see the baby.”

Tommy shook his hand. “Good to see you, man. We hear you're doing great.”

His face was trim, the bloated look gone and his eyes were clear. “Came back to get some stuff, see my dad. Don't know if he told you but I have a little apartment in San Diego, about six blocks from Mission Beach. Got a job at a little surf shop down there. Going to meetings, the whole bit.”

Lee put her hand on his arm. “A surf shop sounds great.”

“Wanted to say thanks, too, for y'know, pushing me to clean up my act.”

“We're just glad things are going so well,” said Tommy.

Mike came up behind them, kissing the baby, slapping Tommy on the back, hugging Lee. Then he put his arm around Zac. “You ready, son?”

“Yep. Hey, I'll see you guys around.”

At Riversong, in the exact moment “The Hick Brigade” raised their glasses to toast their sweet Ellie-Rose with a pinot noir from the Willamette Valley, the sun appeared through the front windows, sparkling in the icicles that hung from the blue awning. Basking in the warmth of that rare December sun they laughed and talked while dining on Annie's croissant bread pudding that was warm comfort in their mouths and stomachs. They reminisced about the opening of Riversong and the progress they hoped to make that coming summer in the transformation of their community. All the while, Ellie-Rose babbled from her bouncy seat next to the window, her hands playing in the streaks of sun.