River Deep (31 page)

Maggie opened her mouth and closed it again; she could see Sarah hadn’t finished, not by a long way.

‘Do you know how much I’d have loved to have gone to university? To have had all the years you’ve had to find out about yourself, to find what you really want from life? I didn’t have the choice. I scrimped and saved and I built up my business from scratch. I’m proud of it and I’m proud of my kids, but you, you get your business dropped into your lap and you treat it like it’s a consolation prize––’

‘Now that’s not fair––’ Maggie tried to stop Sarah in full flow.

‘Shut up, I’m talking. Right, Two. You and Christian. Maggie, you never loved him, I could have told you that from day one. Actually I did tell you that, but you didn’t listen to me then, and you haven’t listened to me now. You liked his security, you liked his rules, you liked him ordering you about and telling you what to think. You
wanted
him to turn you into the automaton that he did, and then when he got bored of your simpering servitude and upped and left you you were surprised! I’ve tried to be there for you, Maggie, I’ve tried to support your stupid plans one after the other. “It’s just a phase,” I thought. “She’ll get over it – the stalking, the whining, the out-and-out idiocy.” ’ Sarah looked disgusted. ‘I really thought you were moving on, and then – and
then
– you tell me that you and Pete, who must be as stupid as he’s good-looking, cook up some ridiculous plan to make Christian jealous! I mean, let’s look at the facts, shall we? You are lying on the grass under the stars with the best-looking bloke within a fifty-mile radius, and you’re talking about getting Christian back! Christian who, at that moment, was probably shagging his new bird––’

‘Actually he––’

‘Shut up. Maggie, Christian doesn’t love you. You don’t love Christian. If you’ve got even a ghost of chance to make it with someone else, then you should at least try. You shouldn’t throw all your chances of happiness away on some hopeless dream that will never come true. Trust me.’

Maggie laughed, and Sarah looked as if she’d been slapped in the face.

‘I can’t believe that
you
, ice queen Sarah Mortimer, have just come out with all that crap! What do you know about being in love? You haven’t been in love since we were at school, and that was probably just a crush that got out of hand. You don’t even know what it feels like to really feel for a person, to
really
care. I’m sorry, Sarah, I’ve been a fool, I know I have – but you! You can’t talk to me about
love
! When was the last time you were
in
love?’

Sarah’s jaw tightened and Maggie was shocked to see tears standing in her eyes.

‘I’ve been in love,’ she said, her voice tightly strung. ‘Of course I have. I was so
in
love with Aidan—’ Sarah glanced over at Becca’s prone form and lowered her voice to a hoarse and angry whisper, ‘I gave him everything I had, all that love I was never able to show my parents, all of that and all of me. Every day, every week, every year for years after he left, all I thought about was him. At first I waited, and then I wished, and then I knew. I knew he was never coming back for me. I practically killed myself trying to make that pain stop. And whenever I start feeling like that again, I remember what it felt like to be left by him. I still think about him, Maggie, I still feel the pain of it all. That’s why I’ve never got close to anyone in all these years, because they all walk out on you in the end, and I’m never,
never
going through that again. I know
exactly
what love is about. Aidan wasn’t playing some game like you and your idiotic friend. He’s not popped off on holiday or experimenting with someone else. He went – for good. And he’ll never come back, and I’m left behind in this … this empty, useless bloody shell for the rest of my life. Because he’s gone.’

Maggie shook her head in disbelief. ‘That’s not true,’ she said. ‘How can that be true? If it was I’d have known about it, I’d have seen it.’

Sarah lowered her eyes. ‘You might have if you’d looked. Maybe if you hadn’t been off at university or wrapped up in Christian and the business. Or chasing around on one of your ridiculous episodes. If you’d asked me I’d have told you. But you never did.’

‘Oh Sarah.’ Maggie reached out to touch her friend’s bare arm. Even in the heat of the morning her skin was ice cold. ‘I … I just don’t know what to say to you. You always seem so in control, and I just … thought you were happy, that’s all. I thought you wanted to be on your own. Oh Sarah.’

Maggie put her arms around Sarah’s stiff shoulders and tried to hug her.

‘If that’s how you feel, we could find him,’ Maggie told her. ‘I’m sure we could. He might be on Friends Reunited or some other kind of website – it’s amazing what you can do these days. It’s a risk, I know, but you hear about these people getting back together after years apart, don’t you?

Sarah shook her head and removed Maggie’s arms. She looked at Becca, who had rolled on to her side with her back to them.

‘I don’t want to find him. It’s not him I miss any more, it’s the optimism and trust that went with him. Anyway, I don’t need to find him,’ she said, her voice still a whisper. ‘I know where he is. He’s in Boston. He’s working for some export company in the legal department. He’s got a wife and two kids. He saw Stephen Mills from our class on the plane back home one time. He asked him about me and Stephen told him, about the salon and about Becca and Sam. I suppose he got home and did the maths and wondered about Becca. He wrote to me. About two years ago now. Well, actually he wrote to my mum first of all, but she just wrote “not known at this address” on it and sent it back. Then he wrote to my nanna, and she gave me the letter. He told me he’d written before, all those years ago, and that I never replied. I suppose my mum didn’t bother returning those letters. He asked me if Becca was his daughter. He said if she was, he was sorry that he’d left me to go through it alone and that he would have come back, he would have tried to be there for me. He said he thought I didn’t want to know him any more. He said if she was, he’d really like to meet her to get to know her. He’d really like to be a father to her.’

Maggie looked at Becca’s sleeping back. At some point her redundant headphones had fallen on to the grass beside her.

‘But if you knew, why didn’t you tell her?’ she whispered, nodding at Becca.

Sarah dropped her head into her hands and ran her fingers through her hair. ‘Because … because I couldn’t bear it, Maggie. I couldn’t bear the thought of him wanting her and not me, and I was so scared that she’d leave me for good. I know I was wrong, but …’

‘You bitch.’ Becca was sitting bolt upright, staring at her mum with the kind of fury that no child should know. ‘You stupid, selfish, fucking
bitch
. How
could
you. HOW COULD YOU?’

Across the field, Sam stopped dead in his game and looked over at his mum and sister. Without a second thought he began running towards them.

‘You were right!’ Becca screamed through her tears. ‘You were right, because I
am
going to find him,
right now
. I’m going to look him up on the Internet or something,
anything
. I’m going to find him, and when I do, I’m going. I’m getting as far away from you as I can, and I’m
never
coming back. Not
ever
. How
could
you? What gives you the right? No wonder he didn’t want you, you stupid, fat, selfish bitch. But he wants
me
, and that’s more than you do, because if you did, if you cared about me at
all
, you’d have let me see him. You’d at least have let me know that he cared!’

As Becca turned on her heel and began running across the field, Sam slid into her mother’s arms. He wound his arms around her neck and began sobbing.

‘Mummy, where’s she going, where’s she going?’ he pleaded. Sarah rocked him gently, kissing the top of his head.

‘It’s OK,’ she whispered, looking desperately at Maggie. ‘It’ll be OK, Sammy baby.’

‘I’ll go and find her,’ Maggie said. ‘I’ll calm her down and try and explain things to her. I’ll bring her home. But …’ She paused, glancing over her shoulder at Becca’s rapidly retreating figure. ‘Sarah, everything you said about me today was true. I know that, and I promise you not one of those things matters now, not until we’ve sorted this out. OK?’

Sarah nodded, rocking her son close against her.

‘I’m sorry, Maggie …’ Sarah began.

‘Don’t be sorry. You were right about me. I’ll go and find her. Don’t worry, OK?’ Maggie knew the request was pointless. As she began to follow Becca into the town, the sky darkened and rumbled and the first few heavy drops of rain began to fall.

Maggie felt like the summer was over for ever.

She lost Becca as she disappeared around the back of the abbey, half running, half walking, her head down, her hands over her face. But Maggie thought she knew where she would find her, and she was right. The cybercafé could only have opened minutes ago, but Becca was there, sitting at one of its two terminals staring blankly at the screen with tears streaming down her face. She looked completely lost, Maggie thought. Completely desperate and lost.

‘Maggie, hi! Good to see you!’ Declan appeared by her side. ‘You’re quite the early bird, aren’t you? Come in to get out of the rain? I’d almost forgotten what it looked like, it’s been such a dry summer. I haven’t seen you in a while. Everything’s OK, is it, between us?’

Becca’s head snapped in Maggie’s direction when she heard Declan say her name, and she began to scramble her stuff together in preparation for a quick exit. Maggie kept her eyes on her as she talked to Declan.

‘Yes, Declan, of course it is, but look –’ she nodded at Becca – ‘I have to speak to my god-daughter, OK?’

Declan took one look at Becca’s blotched face and made a hasty retreat behind the counter, mouthing ‘talk later’ at Maggie as she went. Maggie heard the clatter and bubbling of the cappuccino machine crank into action.

‘Becca.’ She grabbed her arm as she tried to rush past.

‘Let me go,’ Becca said, shaking her arm vigorously. ‘I don’t want to talk to you! You’re just the same as her. Both of you, you think what I feel, what I think, doesn’t matter. Like, just because I’m not grown-up yet I don’t have any feelings.’ She yanked her arm hard. ‘Let me
go
!’

Maggie let go of her arm, relieved that she didn’t immediately run out of the door.

‘I’m not the same as your mum,’ she said, desperate to get Becca to stay. ‘I didn’t know about it, did I? The letter and all that? I assume that you were listening to everything we said, and not by accident, so you know. I didn’t know about it, did I?’

Becca shook her head slowly. Maggie brushed her damp hair back from her face.

‘Oh Becs, why were you eavesdropping anyway?’ Maggie asked, pulling her into a hug.

‘Because I thought you were going to be talking about sex. And because I thought you were going to be talking about Pete, and I wanted to know if you were going to go out with him. I didn’t think you’d be talking about … Not, not …’ Becca began sobbing again, her slight frame shaking against Maggie’s body. Maggie guided her to a chair in the corner, grateful that the café was still empty. Becca would be mortified if she thought any of her friends had seen her like this.

‘Here you go.’ Declan appeared at the table and set down two steaming mugs topped with whipped cream and marshmallows. ‘Hot chocolate. I thought the rain storm merited it.’ He smiled at Maggie and went back behind the counter. For those two moments of silence that followed his gesture, Maggie thought he was the nicest, kindest man in all the world.

‘She’s just a lying, conniving bitch, that’s all,’ Becca said with brutal frankness. ‘She doesn’t want anyone else to be happy because she isn’t. She doesn’t even want you to be happy, Aunty M. She wants to split you and Christian up because she’s so bitter and twisted and …’

‘Shhhh.’ Maggie took Becca’s hand. ‘That’s not true, Becca, it isn’t.’

‘Yes it is,’ Becca said. ‘Why can’t she just be a normal mum, like Leanne’s mum or the other mums at school? Why does she have to sleep around with any bloke? She thinks I don’t know, but I do, I can see it – and soon Sam will. Why can she never have a proper boyfriend, like Marcus? All she does is work and go out. She’s hardly ever there for me and Sam. If she loved us she’d be a proper mum. You don’t know what it’s like. I feel like I’m having to grow myself up. That’s how I feel. At least if I had a dad to talk to that would be one person in the whole world who’d stand up for me.’

Maggie dropped her head and thought for a moment. Everything that Becca had just said could have been her words at fourteen, or at twenty-four. Her words earlier that morning. But Maggie knew that Sarah loved Becca. She knew Sarah would die fighting for her children’s happiness and do anything to make them happy. Would her mum do the same, Maggie wondered? Had she ever given her a chance to?

‘Listen. Your mum, Becca, loves you so much. So much. It was a shock for her when you were born, admittedly. She was hardly much older than you are now when it happened. She was only your age when she fell in love with your dad. I suppose what you said is true – no one then thought they could
really
feel anything for each other. Everyone – even me – assumed that it was over as soon as your dad’s family left the country. I thought that she’d been unlucky and got caught out. I never realised how much his going hurt her, not really. Your mum’s always put a brave face on things, always been determined to show that she can cope on her own. She’s had to because her mum didn’t want her any more. Can you imagine that? Out in the world on her own with a baby on the way at just eighteen?’

Maggie thought back to the Sarah she had known then, defiant and hard-faced on the outside, but, Maggie then and now thought, a terrified, lonely little girl on the inside.

‘It was hard for her, Becca, harder than I think I understood at the time. For most of it, her pregnancy, when she moved into the hostel, I wasn’t even there, I was at college. But I was there when you were born. I stayed with you both for a while, and I can tell you, your mum used to hold you in her arms and just look at you for hours and hours, and she’d say to me that looking at you was like looking at a tiny rose bud. A tightly closed rose bud. And that each day you opened up just a little bit more and grew just a little bit more beautiful. She told me she wanted to spend the rest of her life watching you blossom. That your happiness was the only thing that mattered to her.’