Ride the Rainbow Home (20 page)

Monty talked on, but Meg was barely listening. Was he really offering her what she'd wanted for so long? She felt excited, then ill. Could she afford to quit now? Didn't this new idea deserve some thought? If Jim had spoken of some kind of commitment, perhaps she'd dare move forward, but since he hadn't... She stopped, realizing Monty had asked something and was waiting for an answer. "Excuse me?" she said again, her voice weak.

"I asked when you think you'll be back."

Meg heard her own voice saying, "I'll call you next week. I'll know better by then."

"Okay, next week." Monty sounded disappointed as he ended their conversation, but he was accepting her choices. Meg thought grimly that she should have stood up to him years ago.

As soon as she put down her cell phone down, she thought of Kurt and his friend in Phoenix and immediately picked it the cell again. "Have you already talked to him?" she asked as soon as Kurt came on.

"No, he was out on a shoot this morning. He's supposed to call me back in an hour."

"Don't," Meg said. "That is, don't tell him yet. Something's come up. I may need more time."

Kurt's disappointment was obvious. "You're not backing out, are you?"

"I'm not sure. That is, I don't—" Meg realized her hands were shaking. "Can you meet me at the Kachina? We'll talk."

They arranged to meet in two hours and Meg hunted up Sally to tell her she'd be out for a while. Sally asked how things were going and Meg ended up choking out her entire story. "So now Monty is giving me everything I've wanted all along. Well, not everything, but so much of it, and Jim is... I don't know what Jim is thinking. All I know is I'm scared and confused and—"

"You need time," Sally said wisely. "You have a right to be frightened when you're talking about major life changes, but it's all going to work out, Meg. Just give yourself the time you need."

Meg remembered that advice as she drove to Holbrook. Time. Maybe it didn't heal all wounds, but it should give her the chance to get her head straight, shouldn't it?

Kurt was waiting inside the cafe at what she'd begun to think of as their working table. "How are you doing?" he asked as she came in.

"I guess I'm getting cold feet," she said. "Something came up in Walnut Creek and well, I could use a little more time to think things through. Have you talked to your friend?"

"Yeah. He says he can stall a little longer, but he'll need an answer by Friday at the latest."

Meg let out a long breath. "Friday. That gives me a little time, anyway." She went on to tell Kurt about the other calls she'd made. Kurt had made some calls of his own. He'd found an interested distributor and a graphic designer. He'd also located an empty storefront in Rainbow Rock that would be perfect for their office and studio. Since it had once been used as a record store, there was already a sound studio in the back. Meg tried to listen analytically despite the confusion that churned in her head.

When she left the Kachina, she didn't go immediately to Sally's. She drove toward the hills instead and climbed to the ledge where she had seen the hawks. She sat for an hour, letting the swirling thoughts drift away as the timeless peace of the desert soothed her soul. The decisions she had to make were important, surely. They deserved her careful thought and consideration. Still, in the long run, in the eons of time it had taken to shape these hills and form these valleys, none of them would matter at all. Meg found solace in the long-term perspective.

Sally was waiting for her when she returned. "Jim called. He won't be able to get back until at least tomorrow evening, maybe Wednesday. He says to tell you he's sorry."

"It's all right," Meg said as the peace of the hills returned. She couldn’t guess what was going to happen, but she knew that somehow, everything would be all right.

* * * *

On Tuesday morning, Meg's realtor called about an interested nibble on the condo. Could she fax listing contracts to Meg and have her send them back quickly? Meg agreed, found a place in the yellow pages where she could receive a fax, and gave her realtor the number, then told Sally she'd be gone for a while.

It was more than two months since Sally's delivery and she was coping better now, managing the children with greater ease. Both Serena and Sammy were sleeping through the night and Meg felt good about what she'd accomplished at the Garcias'. It had been a worthwhile service and had taught her that she could manage children if she chose to. It had taught her something else, she realized as she started for Holbrook again. Tommy had taught her that she was capable of truly caring for someone else, and having them care for her in turn. Maybe she did have the capacity for intimate relationships if she tried. Jim thought so. She smiled to herself as she drove.

It took less than an hour to receive the fax, sign the forms, and put them in the mail for overnight delivery. Meg's hands shook as she dropped the envelope in the slot, but she told herself that nothing was irrevocable. Just because she listed the condo, that didn't mean she had to sell, did it?. Jim called that evening to tell her he'd be back the next day. Since she only had three more days in Rainbow Rock, could they spend the time together?

Meg smiled as she answered. "Actually, I've extended my time a little. I'll be here at least through this weekend."

"Then you can come to the snake dances!"

Meg felt her stomach clutch. "I don't know about that. You've seen how I respond to snakes."

Jim paused before answering, "Maybe it's time to confront your fears."

The words rang in Meg's thoughts, through everything she'd been thinking, all the decisions she had to make. "Yes," she said quietly. "Yes, you're right." She heard herself promising to go.

Throughout the evening, Jim's words rang through her mind.
Maybe it's time to confront your fears,
she heard again and again as she pondered what lay ahead.

She continued to ponder on Wednesday morning while she helped Sally wash and fold another three loads of laundry. Carefully she catalogued all the things she feared—not just snakes and thunderstorms, but real things: change, loss, commitment. She feared her own ability to make a marriage work, but did she need to? Just because her mother's many marriages had failed, that didn't mean Meg couldn't be happy. And she wouldn't start out as a pregnant teenager, the way her mother had.

She feared having children, or at least, feared accepting responsibility for young lives, but Tommy and Isabel, Sammy and Serena had shown her that she could cope—even manage three babies with chicken pox. She had feared giving up the only job she'd had since college, especially when Monty was finally beginning to accept her way of thinking, but beginning was a key word. It had taken him years to accept, grudgingly, one of her pet ideas, one which was now old-hat in management training. Once she was back in the office, there was no guarantee he'd listen to more.

Meg took a deep breath. These were minor fears compared to the big ones. Creating her own business scared her right into the shakes. Going into business with Kurt was comforting in some ways, but terrifying in others. If she failed, she'd drag Kurt down with her. And what if she and Jim—?

Ah, there was the Big One, the great-granddaddy fear of them all.

How did she feel about Jim, really? She paused to listen to her inner spirit and realization swept over her, as real and powerful as a summer storm. She was in love with Jim. Of course she was! She didn't know when it had happened or how long ago, but she knew it completely, as completely as she knew she lived and breathed. She was in love with Jim and she wanted to be with him—not just for a passionate hour or a week, but for the children and the grandchildren and the growing old together.

“Whew!” Meg paused for a moment, savoring the new realization as the images rolled through her. Then a new thought occurred. What about Jim? Maybe he didn't feel the same way. Maybe he loved her only as a friend. Or did he? Meg thought of the way he had shown her his home, taken her into his family. She remembered his tender nursing care through three days and nights of chicken pox. She thought of the way he'd looked at her when he said that love only ennobled a person who gave himself completely to another and she heard him calling her sweetheart.

Then slowly, Meg smiled—a brilliant, heart-deep smile. She picked up the phone and dialed Monty's personal line. When he answered, she said, "Monty, I resign," then listened to him sputter and fume for two minutes while she sat still, utter calm in her heart. "I resign," she repeated, slowly and distinctly, then firmly hung up the phone.

Her next call was to Kurt. She still felt that perfect peace as she said, "Call him, Kurt. The deal's on. We're in business." Again she had to listen as Kurt paused and questioned. Was Meg sure? She wasn't going to change her mind again, was she? Was this really right for her?

"I'm sure," she said when he had finished. "I'm absolutely sure. Call him, Kurt. I'll sign the papers as soon as they get here." She put the phone down and waited for the panic to strike, but there was no panic—only the calm, assured beating of her heart.

* * * *

By the time Jim arrived later that afternoon, she had also received an offer on her condo, signed, and sent the papers back in the mail—though she wasn’t ready to tell him that. He suggested they give Sally a break while he and Meg took all four children to the park. It was a choice that would have panicked Meg a short while ago, but she felt ready for it now. Suddenly she felt ready for anything.

Their time was idyllic and sweet. The children were all on their best behavior and even when Tommy got fussy, Meg didn't let it bother her. She was determined that nothing was going to get in the way of her spending this time with Jim and enjoying it fully. She was beginning to see it as a sort of down payment on a lifetime spent together.

They met for breakfast on Thursday and spent the day together, doing some errands Jim had to run for the pig farm and picnicking in the hills near town. Late in the afternoon, Meg excused herself for a while.

"Where are you going?" Jim asked as she left.

"Just into town to run an errand."

"I'll come with you." Jim's expression reminded her of an eager child's.

"Not this time," she answered, unwilling to tell him she was meeting Kurt at the fax machine, preparing to sign the papers that would make her a business owner—contingent, of course, upon the sale of her only secure investment. She took a deep breath. "But I'll be back soon. Where shall I meet you?''

They agreed upon a place in the park. Meg was as calm as a summer's morning when she went to meet her new partner, calm as the sky when the storm has passed as she signed away her future. The shakes started only later, when she got in her car to drive back to Jim. They got worse when she saw his face. "What on earth are you up to, Meg?" Jim demanded, his countenance like that of the thunder god himself.

"What do you mean?" she asked, awed.

"I had an hour to kill so I went into town to check my mailbox. You were there with Kurt, weren't you?"

No point in lying about it. "Yes."

"And what exactly are you doing meeting my brother behind my back?" The intensity in Jim's face was breathtaking.

Meg suddenly grinned. "You're jealous!"

"I am not jea—" Jim bit off the words, aware that Meg was about to laugh out loud. He sighed in frustration.

"Damn straight, I'm jealous. So what's going on with you and Kurt?"

"I told you," she said, trying not to smile. "We're planning a surprise. But you have to trust me on this one."

"Trust you?" Some of the fight went out of him. "When are you going to tell me about this surprise?"

"How about Saturday?" Meg asked. "After the snake dances."
After I've confronted my fears
, she thought
. After the signed contracts have been received in Phoenix and there's no turning back.

"Okay," he said, "I'll wait until Saturday. In the meantime, I'm not taking my eyes off you—especially when my brother is around." Jim wrapped both arms around her as if he never meant to let her go.

"That's a deal," Meg answered, and wrapped her arms tightly about the man she cherished.

Chapter Ten

Meg sat at the edge of the circle, waiting, her stomach clenching with the same nervous apprehension she experienced whenever she visited a zoo with friends and someone insisted on touring the reptile house. Jim had kept up a steady stream of narrative all the way to Second Mesa, probably trying to ease her way into this expedition. He'd been like a tour guide, spouting information.

Meg had learned that the Hopi were the only Shoshonean people ever to adapt to pueblo life and that, like the Tewa of New Mexico, they kept pretty much to themselves on a series of three mesas in the striped sandstone hills that marked their reservation. She had learned that the Hopi, a culture as foreign to the Navajo as Meg's own, had lived surrounded by the larger Navajo nation for centuries, that Oraibi and Shongopovi were among the oldest continuously inhabited settlements on the continent, and that some of the most finely crafted pottery ever made came from these mesas.