Revived (The Lucidites Book 3) (28 page)

“Chase did this to you?!” Again his voice is too loud, drawing uninvited attention from neighboring tables. The only thing I’m grateful for is the onlookers are mostly a group of research scientists visiting from our sister society in the Pacific Northwest, the Reverians. Hopefully they don’t know who Chase is. More importantly, hopefully they don’t know who I am. Ungratefully, through the crack in my fingers I spy that Aiden is still staring, his mouth now gaping open.

“George, it isn’t like you think.”

He slips my hair back, taking in the pair of long, red streaks running from just under my earlobe to the middle of my neck. “And what should I think?” he says, his voice flat with hostility.

I rearrange my hair so that it covers the marks. “Look,” I say, finally daring to glance at him, “I have everything under control.”

“It doesn’t appear that way,” George snaps. “Did he hurt you anywhere else?”

I remain silent, pinning my eyes on the table. Although I found it impossible to cover up the bite marks completely, I was able to wear a long-sleeved shirt that covered the bruises where Chase had gripped me too tightly.

“Damn it, Roya,” George says in an angry hush. “What are you getting yourself mixed up in?”

“I just needed to see if my protective charm worked against him, that’s all,” I lie.

“And?”

Planting my elbows on the table I cradle my forehead in my hands. “It works.”

“But it looks as though things got out of your control,” George says, still sounding on the verge of exploding.

“No, I need Chase to think he’s in control. I need him to…” I stop, realizing that I can’t divulge any more to George, especially with other people likely to eavesdrop.

“Roya, what are you not telling me?”

“Don’t worry about it, George,” I say, flipping my head up and meeting his eyes, which look like they’re about to bulge out of his head. “I’m not going to dream travel while Chase is still after me, okay?”

“You’re hiding something though.” He slides his eyes in Aiden’s direction. To my horror, Aiden is still locked on us, not even remotely trying to hide his interest in what’s going on at my table. “I get the feeling,” George continues, refocusing on me, “that you’re hiding a lot.” He pushes up from the table and stares down at me contemptuously. “I need some time to think about this.”

His ominous words hang in the air as he charges out of the main hall. I crumble onto the table, not caring an ounce what everyone’s spying eyes see. Not even Aiden’s. The idea that I’ve hurt George takes over my being. Wraps around my mind and constricts.

♦

“That’s more than rough, Stark,” Joseph says after hearing my recount of what happened during breakfast. “You can’t catch an emotional break lately, can you?”

I shake my head.

“Well, maybe you should consider staying in your room for a while. I’m not sure if Mercury is in retrograde, but there’s definitely something affecting your interactions lately,” Joseph says, taking a seat in his news reporting chair. “Not that you ever have an easy time of it, but you seem to be extra provoking lately.”

“Thanks for the concern, but I can handle it. And besides, we need to get some strategizing underway. Zhuang isn’t going to kill himself, if you know what I mean.”

Joseph’s laugh sounds especially loud in the serene space of the Panther room. “Yeah, that’s true.”

“Tomorrow morning let’s meet in the same classroom as last time,” I say. “Since we don’t know when this whole thing is going down we need to go ahead and work through the entire strategy. If you could hone this fire business, that would be extra handy.”

“Oh sure, I’ll just get right on that.” Joseph rolls his eyes. “I can’t so much as start a campfire by rubbing two sticks together, so I’m not sure if we should hold our breath that I’ll make a spark out of thin air.”

“But have you really tried?”

“With the persistence of a hummingbird after nectar.”

“Well, these kinds of things take practice,” I try and console.

“Oh, yeah, really? How much you practice before you made a mini cyclone in the Grotte?” Bitterness wells up in Joseph’s tone.

“Actually, that’s a fantastic point. I was super emotionally charged then. Maybe we can get you really riled up and see if that helps.”

“Yeah, maybe,” Joseph says, dispirited.

“I’ll practice harnessing the wind and see if I can figure out a strategy. How does that sound?”

“Sounds like we’re a bunch of stupid kids pretending we’re super heroes,” he says in an uncharacteristically melancholy voice.

“Everything is about perspective.” Bob and Steve said that to me once. It’s helpful advice that grounds me sometimes.

“And currently I’m having a hard time wrapping my mind around this ridiculous idea that through the forces of my mind I’ll control an element like fire.” He throws his hands up in the air. “This whole idea is absurd!”

I caution Joseph to be quiet with a single look. “George Bernard Shaw wrote that all great truths start out as blasphemies.”

“Thanks, Shuman, I appreciate the adage.”

“Fine,” I say, lying down in my chair, “you’re allowed to be cynical this one and only time. But I want you to get it out of your system and show up with a better attitude tomorrow morning.”

“Sure thing.” Joseph salutes me. “So while I’m being allowed to act like you, I mean pessimistic, I’d like to say that I’m doubtful about how this whole plan can realistically be executed. There’s tons of security in place that specifically protects us from being able to do this kind of stuff. How’s it all gonna magically go away so that these events unfold?”

“We know Zhuang enters the Institute,” I say, holding up one finger. “So right there tells you that something in the security system doesn’t work on Day Z. Secondly,” I count off another finger, “you saw the vision so it can happen. We just have to figure out how.” I tick off a third finger. “And lastly, maybe in the end it will take a bit of magic to save the day. After everything I’ve witnessed, that wouldn’t be so unbelievable.”

♦

Each hour that passes that I don’t see George makes the open wound deepen. How would I feel if the roles had been reversed? If he showed up with teeth marks from another woman? I’d be hurt and that’s exactly what I did so dismissively to him. He’s my sweet George. And sometimes I wish I knew how to punish myself for my apathetic attitude. The look in his eyes this morning scratched my heart and throughout the day it’s become infected.

“Come in,” he says, a few seconds after I knock.

Pressing the button, I will myself forward. Willing myself to make apologies. Willing myself to take off my pride if it repairs the mistakes my stupidity caused.

George sits on the ground, a few books splayed out around him. One in his hand, clasped shut. He’s wearing the brown T-shirt that has a chest pocket. I always pretend to stick something in there and only the last time did he call me out, saying I was just looking for an excuse to touch his chest. Looking up at me, he lays the book to the side. His expression reminds me of a dust storm for some reason, brutal and also blindingly unreadable.

“Do you want to see me or should I go?” I say, threading my fingers together in front of me.

“Don’t go,” he says, and although it’s what I want to hear, the way he says it is all wrong. Kneeling down next to him, I wait until he looks at me. Deep in his brown eyes there’s a pain, but preceding that is still his love, so unwavering it hurts. “I’m sorry, George. I know the way I reacted earlier was insensitive. It was––”

“It’s all right, Roya,” he interrupts. “I trust you if you say you have things under control with Chase. I just worry.”

“George, Joseph and I have a plan.”

“I get that,” he says, picking at the fabric of the blue carpet. “But he hurt you and do you know what I’d do if anything––”

“Nothing is going to happen,” I say, knowing I can’t make that promise. So to make up for my words I move forward, crawl into his lap, and wrap his arms around my torso. “I don’t want to make you worry. I…”

“You what?”

I love you.
Why can’t I say it? I feel it with all my being, but the words are somehow stuck inside me.

I lace my fingers into his, turn sideways, and put my ear to his chest. “I’m an idiot, undeserving of you.”

He uncurls his fingers from mine, taking back his hand and moving in such a way that I have to sit up. “Roya,” he says, his tone bordering on frustration.

I turn and look at him. For some reason I just want to kiss him, make his lips erase all the pains in my heart, all my doubts and fears.

“Roya,” he begins again. “I don’t…there’s…” He sighs, at a loss for words.

Swiveling around so I’m fully facing him, I perch on my toes right in front of his curled up legs. “George, whatever you’re about to say just stop.”

“I can’t. I need to say something and I don’t want to.”

“Then don’t,” I say, taking his face in both my hands. “Just kiss me, please.”

He doesn’t respond, but a bit of tension resigns inside him. I lean in, feeling a new tenderness between us. It’s magnified when I brush my lips against his and feel only half his normal intensity. Hands grip my shoulders, urging me back. I can only guess my face is a portrait of bewilderment when George scoots away so we aren’t touching.

After sitting back and hugging my legs to my chest I chance a look at him. A wise and scorned look reflects off his face. “If you love me then why can’t you say it?” he says, his voice not sounding the least bit tragic, which is how his words make me feel.

“I don’t know,” I say. “I’m just not ready.”

“Roya, this morning in the main hall your shield came down briefly.”

Bemused I stare at him, search him.

He clears his throat and looks off before returning his focus on me. “Aiden’s came down too, more so than ever before.”

“George, this isn’t about––”

“I really don’t think your heart is in this.” He motions between the two of us.

“How can you say that? And isn’t this the wrong time to make that judgment, with everything going on?”

With a tight mouth he stares off. “I told you before that at some point this was going to have to be solely about us and not
him
. I fear that will never be the case. I haven’t wanted to admit it, but your feelings for Aiden never dissipated. Even though you know you can’t be together, you still love him. And sadly I know that it’s pure, it’s not emotion arising just because you can’t have what you want. I think he will always own your heart, whereas you’ve only given me a lease on it.”

“Everything you’ve just said is absurd. We’re friends, that’s all,” I say in a voice that sounds so convincing even I believe it.

“Roya, think about who you’re trying to fool right now.” His eyes fix on me with a new seriousness.

“You’re being incredibly stupid,” I say, my words vexed.

“No, I’m being honest.”

“You think you know me so well.” I push up to a standing position. “Have you considered you’re misreading emotions?”

George stands up beside me, a new determination in his eyes. “I’m not wrong, although I’ve been trying to convince myself otherwise.”

“Please don’t do this,” I say too weakly. “Not right now. I need you.”

“And I’m here.” His eyes soften as he speaks. “But I’m not willing to keep pretending with you anymore. I won’t be the guy you’re almost in love with,” he says, his words devouring my heart. “We both know this relationship isn’t reciprocal. I’m in love with you, Roya. Can you honestly return that emotion for me?”

“I want to,” I say, and he reflexively backs away, shaking his head with a knowing he’s denied.

“That’s not enough.” George clenches his jaw. “Especially since I know you’re capable of more.”

Usually I’m prepared for danger, but I’m not prepared for this. And this situation feels dangerous, because it has the potential to scar me. “What do you want me to say?” I respond, standing up straighter, looking at him boldly. He created this confrontation for one and only one reason. I know there’s no running away from where it’s going.

“You don’t have to say anything. I just don’t think we should be together anymore.”

I’m suddenly aware of my hands and how they hang loosely by my legs. I transfer weight back and forth between my feet, unable to figure out how to stand properly. With great effort I will my shoulders to relax. There’s nothing I can say to change his mind right now. The only option I have left is to allow my emotions to surge through the room freely. Taking down my shield, I stand back and let every emotion I’ve held regarding George free to gallop between us. I imagine my emotions as tiny sparks of pink and blue lights spiraling through the room, little iridescent pigments for George to pick up and read. They tell the story I can’t through my lips. They tell him that this hurts, that I need him, that I don’t want to lose him. My emotions tell him that I want to love him like he deserves. And the last flickering emotion, a spark of sapphire coated with gold, describes how not loving him like he deserves is my tragedy, not his.

His hands clasp mine, making my eyes go wide. I suck in my breath, hold it. Inside him I see the all-familiar mirror of my emotions. Regret. Betrayal. Confusion cloaking something so close to love…but far enough away, I can’t describe it. And then like a soft wind on a spring night, it all disappears and before me stands George. No emotions, just a wall of stone.

“Please, George, give me another chance. I can really try, I can––”

“It wouldn’t matter,” he whispers in a voice I don’t recognize as his. He’s already changing…into not-my-George.

“Please, don’t do this,” I say, through the threatening tears. Swallowing pushes them down, but not for long. “I need you.”

Firm hands grip my shoulders. “You don’t need me. Never did.” Desperately I want to touch the scowl on his lips, kiss him until it disappears, but he holds me away from him.

“Please…don’t,” I argue again.

He sucks in a breath, stares off at a distant corner. “I kept wanting to believe I was your Florentina,” George says, referring to the main love interest in
Love in the Time of Cholera.
“I wanted to believe our love was the one that would last. But I am Juvenal and if I remain in this relationship then we will live, but only half a life. If you were to be mine, over time your love would grow complacent and although there would still be love, it wouldn’t be enough.”