Return to Poughkeepsie (5 page)

“Not for a few more months, according to the books and all.” Blake shrugged and looked nervous.

Wives and babies. Perfect concerns for his brothers. Beckett silently cursed himself for showing up here. He sure as fuck wanted their opinions, but not enough to put them in danger.

Blake opened his door, stood, and stretched. Beckett followed so he could watch the surroundings. Cole exited as well, and the three relived their greeting more properly. All had huge smiles. After a moment Blake motioned for them and popped the lock on the abandoned house’s back door. Beckett closed it behind his brothers. They sat on the floor, backs against the empty walls. The room was meant to be a dining area attached to the kitchen. As his eyes adjusted, Beckett could see the walls displayed the previous occupants’ displeasure at leaving. There were paint splatters and some holes from an angry foot or fist.

“They’re still looking for you.” Cole’s serious eyes found Beckett’s.

“Ah, somebody’s always looking for me. That’s the price of infamy.” Beckett tried not to be obvious in his joy. His brothers.
His
brothers. Safe, happy. He’d expected to be dead when this time came. He’d expected to be on a spit roasting down in Hell. And he should be—or at least he shouldn’t be here. It was selfish. Best to move it along.

“I saw Eve,” he began. “I made some promises to her, and I’m not sure how to live up to them. So I brought my sorry ass here. To look at you guys.” He stopped and looked at his hands. There was so much blood on them he was surprised they weren’t permanently red.

His brothers waited.

“I told her I was going to become a man worthy of her. And I don’t know how to do that. It sounded awesome as the money move walking out the door—and I did mean it—but how does a wanted felon, someone with my history, turn straight? I don’t want to go to jail.” The abandoned house creaked and groaned as the wind outside picked up.

Blake winked at him and smiled. “Congrats on that. That’s a big damn step. What’ve you been doing while you were gone?”

Beckett shook his head. “I was here and there…trying to find something to live for. Money makes disappearing easy, and Mouse had my shit set nice. He was a fucking genius. But I haven’t done anything worth getting a medal for in the last year. And for Eve, I need to do better. Be better. I’ve done such…fucking evil.”

Cole seemed to process the information before answering. “Living with previous sins is tough, and making choices is hard for you without resorting to anger. You know, if you can fly over an ocean in a plane, why swim it?”

“Not sure I’m following.” Beckett knew there was no easy answer, but at least they hadn’t laughed at the thought of a clean Beckett.

Blake cleared his throat. “Can I be blunt? I mean, I don’t want you to take it the wrong way.”

Beckett nodded. “Brother, there’s not a single thing you could do to me, including punching me in the face, that I would ever take the wrong way.”

“All right. You did a lot of bad things. We’re not even going to pretend. But that was a quick way to the top of the heap, yeah? You decided to make sure Cole and I were safe, and you did it.” Blake stood and paced.

Beckett nodded again.

“We were young, right? What the hell are eighteen-year-old kids supposed to know about the world? But that’s how you got things done. And I think you got used to that. Changing who you are? That’s hard. Like, when I had to go out in the sun? For Livia, I could do it once, twice. But I had to do it for myself if it was going to last. There were habits Eve made me break. Or better, she made me realize what I was doing and told me I needed to make a better choice.” He paused. “This seems weird, I know.”

“No, I want your advice.” Beckett braced himself.

“What I’m saying is, it’ll have to be a battle for you. It’ll be hard not to take the easy way of solving a problem. Not that fighting is easy, but it’s the way you know, and I imagine for you it’s easier than listening and sometimes letting things go. I think you just need to try to live day to day like a guy who doesn’t kill for a living. Let things unfold after that.” Blake looked a little worried as he finished.

“Yeah. That’ll be hard,” Beckett said slowly. “I mean, this last year it’s sort of just been me making the same choices I used to make because I was protecting you guys…only now, punching a guy is just hurting him. There’s no higher cause—and I’m not saying I haven’t done lots of things just ’cause I fucking felt like it over the years, but at least I started for a reason.” Beckett sighed and ran his hands over his face. “Since I left I’ve basically been running, trying to stay under the radar, and fucking failing over and over.” He shrugged. “It just feels wrong. It’s not what I really want to be doing.”

He paused to look at each of them. “Have things here been all right? Has anyone crawled out of the fucking debris I left here to mess with either of you?”

Blake shook his head. “It’s been fine. We miss you. Eve checks in, by the way. So you know, when she calls she asks all kinds of weird, pointed questions, and I know she’s trying to figure out if any of your enemies are angling on us.”

“I should’ve left someone here to protect you.” Beckett rubbed his forehead with the palm of his hand.

Cole shook his head. “Beck, we’re men. As much as we love you, we do have a set of balls. And neither of us was a bottle-fed kitten growing up. It’s okay for you to live your life, do what
you
need to do.”

The only sound for a while was the wind howling. Beckett sighed. “I just don’t know where to start. I mean, what do I do to be someone different?”

“You have to be you,” Blake said. “But maybe try an experiment. Find a safe town where no one knows you, get a freaking job, and see. See what it’s like to just be.”

Cole stood, and Beckett rose from his place on the floor. Blake came and patted him on the back. “I could always use a backup singer down at the bar.”

“Hey, did that guy come listen? What’d he say?” Beckett knew it had to be good news, because Blake’s immediate excitement was mirrored on Cole’s face.

“He was impressed—his words. So, yeah, I’m going to meet him at a recording studio in town next week, actually.”

Beckett hugged Blake hard, slapping his back. “Damn it. I knew he’d freak out over you. If he tries to feel you up, let ’em. You’re a handsome motherfucker.”

They all laughed a bit and tried to avoid the obvious. Cole and Blake took out their phones to text the various McHugh women and let them know they’d be home soon.

Beckett put his hands on top of his head, procrastinating.

Cole looked at him sheepishly. “Do you mind? Can I pray?”

“Of course. You know I love when you and Jesus dance.”

Cole grabbed one of Beckett’s hands and then the other.

“If we kiss now, I should tell you, I think I need a mint.”

Cole closed his eyes for a moment. “Blake got to give you his advice. This is how I give mine. Ready? And pay attention, no drifting off.”

“All right, now that you got me all ready for my First Communion, hit me with it.”

Cole took a deep breath. “Lord, this man before me is known to you. Beckett’s soul is littered with sins that he committed to protect Blake and me.”

Beckett interrupted. “Some of those sins were for the sake of my horny penis.”

Cole squeezed his hands hard.

“Motherfucker. You’ve got a tight grip. Must have been all those years of masturbating. You’ve got Voldemort’s handshake, baby.”

Blake covered his laugh with a cough.

“I’m going to test it out around your neck in a hot minute,” Cole replied calmly.

“Proceed.” Beckett winked at Blake.

“Despite his sins of lust…” Cole gave Beckett a harsh look before closing his eyes again. “This man needs your guidance. He seeks a new life filled with nothing more exciting than reading the newspaper and maybe getting a dog. He took the blame for some of my worst transgressions, and never once has he asked for any repayment. All I have to offer this man, my brother, is your spiritual guidance. Please see to him in this time of need. As I pray for him every day, I hope the umbrella of your love finds him wherever he may roam.” Cole made eye contact. “Amen.”

“Every day?” Beckett tried not to choke up.

“Every damn day. Every time I hear of a shooting, anything that sounds like a mob hit—you know those guys hate you. Every time I see Blake play and know you wish you were there. I pray for you and about you all the time. You were meant for more than pain, Beck.” Cole released his hands.

“All right, thank you. Thanks so damn much. You make me believe I have a shot.”

Blake stepped forward. “It’s us that should be thanking you. Not a day goes by that Cole and I don’t remember you’ve given your life for ours. Your heart is good. You are the man you seek to be. Never forget that. If it’s getting rough, think of what you’ve already accomplished. Trusting you got Cole and me the lives of our dreams.”

Cole nodded. “And no matter your sins, your brothers will never forsake you.”

They lingered longer than they should have, but in the end, they sent him off alone in the Lincoln. No one said it out loud, but bringing Beckett home to the women was a bad idea. They needed protection from the likes of him. And it hurt. Damned if it didn’t hurt. But his brothers had given him advice, and Beckett was about to start taking it. He gripped the wheel a little tighter and turned toward the highway.

Driving out of Poughkeepsie felt like a winning loss, if there was even such a thing. He was on his own, but seeing his brothers, having seen Eve, made everything better. He felt a little less paranoid, and Cole was right—they weren’t boys. They were men capable of taking care of their own. It came down to him wanting to do their dirty work for them. But they were good. They’d be fine. Instead he needed to work on getting the violence out of his system. It was his go-to drug. He actually couldn’t think of a conflict he hadn’t fought or killed his way out of. To stand in front of Eve again, he needed to handle himself differently.

He’d almost crossed out of the city limits when a sign caught his eye. It was an animal shelter. Although he’d teased Cole about his prayer, he’d listened to it. Committed it to memory. And Cole had mentioned a damn dog. What’s better than busting one out of jail?

Beckett slid his leather jacket on and approached the door. He reached it just as a pretty little lady was about to switch the lock into place. She sighed and cracked it open.

“If you’re looking for your pet, please come back in the morning. The only dog we’re putting down tonight has been here for months. Did you lose one recently?”

She had on scrubs decorated with puppies. Her pink lips should have been advertising Chapstick or something, not pronouncing a dog’s death.

“Hello, gorgeous. I didn’t lose a dog. I’m looking for one.” He gave her his best dimpled smile.

She was frustrated, not charmed. “We’re all out of puppies. We’ve got old ones, ones that eat furniture, and ones that crap on the floor. You in the market for any of those?”

“You suck at being a saleswoman.” Beckett bit his lip.

That brought around a smile. “You’re right. Sorry. I just…this is a tough night. I was really hoping Methuselah would get adopted. We’ve had him here for eight months. Three weeks ago was supposed to be his last night, but we keep putting it off. Police just found a hoarder, and we’re going to be swamped tomorrow. We need his cage.”

“Sounds like I just found my dog.”

Hope bloomed in her eyes. “Wait. Really? You haven’t met him yet.”

“If the thought of putting him down makes you that sad, he’s got to be awesome.” Beckett put on his most pleading face. “Can I come in?” He watched as she ran though the possibilities.

“I really can’t. We’re closed. There’s a whole process.” She was crestfallen.

“What’s your name?” He smiled encouragingly. It was his panty-dropping stare, and he watched her soften.

“Kristen.” She opened the door a bit more.

“I’m Mouse. It’s nice to meet you. I’m on my way outta town, but something brought me here right now. I’m hoping it’s to save the life of that dog.” He waited.

She looked over her shoulder and raised a finger in the universal one-second-please hand gesture. She went behind the counter and turned off the security camera.

Beckett hated that she did it. She shouldn’t be putting herself in danger. He knew he was a charming fuck, but if he hadn’t been such a nice bastard, she’d be in trouble starting right…

Kristen opened the door and locked it behind him.

Now.
“Well, Kristen, if I’m not mistaken, Methuselah was supposed to be the oldest human to ever live. So how long has my new dog been around?” He watched as she tinkered behind the counter, pulling up computer files and writing things down.

“Actually, the vet thinks Meth is only about four years old. He got the nickname because he’s been here so long—and we all hated the name he came in with. Let me see…Yup, I’m sorry. We can’t do this now. He hasn’t had his shots, and he needs to be neutered before we send him out the door.”

“That worries you. Tell me why.” Beckett leaned against the counter so he could see Kristen and the door at the same time.