‘How dare they say I was brave? I did nothing except get myself wounded. I did nothing except what I had to do. There were dozens of soldiers who were far more valiant than I was, some of them were recklessly unconcerned about their own welfare; I was extremely cautious on every occasion. I was always as slow to obey an order as I could possibly be, I never once rushed even to help others. I always put myself first and indeed scorned those who seemed to have no thoughts for their own survival. There were heroes, yes, plenty of them, but I was never one of them. I shall refuse the medal of course and all the nonsense which would come with it. Yes, Catrin, I’m quite determined on that.’
Josi was the only person who could understand his point of view.
‘I agree with you, lad, that it would be playing false to accept some honour that you didn’t deserve. All the same I think you should think a bit longer about your lack of merit. Perhaps your cool apparent lack of concern was what kept the others from panicking. I’m not saying you should accept it, I’m only advocating that you should think about it a little longer.’
Catrin and Lowri were also disappointed that Tom felt he needed to refuse the honour. They both felt they’d enjoy boasting about his bravery.
Not a word was said during lunch, Mari Elen wasn’t even told about the affair though she seemed to suspect that there was something wrong. ‘Have you had a quarrel?’ she asked them all. ‘If so, please make it up, I feel uncomfortable.’
‘We haven’t had a quarrel,’ May said, ‘But we all think Tom is being a bit stupid.’
‘You think I’m being stupid?’ he asked her in a hurt voice.
‘Very. You see, I want you to take it. I want to be married to Lt Tom Evans MC. These medals may be petty and silly but who are you to decide what you deserved or didn’t deserve? If a mistake has been made, and I very much doubt it, then it’s somebody else’s error. You didn’t ask for it. I want you to take it.’
‘The lady has spoken,’ Tom said. ‘How can I deny her anything? Of course I’ll write saying I feel honoured etc.’
‘Fancy that, Mari Elen,’ Lowri said ‘Your brother will have a medal from the king in Buckingham Palace.’
‘I want to come too,’ Mari Elen said. ‘I’ve never been to Buckingham Palace.’
‘It won’t entail a trip to Buckingham Palace or anything like that. But if it does, you shall certainly come with us,’ May said.
There was no further discussion. Catrin and Lowri looked at one another with little tight smiles. She’s clipped your wings, my lad, Josi thought, but said nothing.
May was charming but she had a firm mind which reminded him of Rachel’s. If Rachel decided on anything, neither he nor anyone else could get her to change her mind. She’s clipped your wings, lad, he thought again.
‘There’s definitely no date in Buckingham Palace anyway,’ Tom said as an afterthought. ‘If I were still on active service, I’d have a little ribbon on my tunic. That’s all. The actual cross will probably come much later, possibly after the war.’
‘If you come to London with me,’ May said to Mari Elen, ‘so that I can buy my dress and yours, I’ll take you to look at Buckingham Palace afterwards. How’s that?’
‘Oh, thank you. Will I stay a night with you?’
‘I hope so, two or three would be better.’
‘I’m not sure about staying a night unless Lowri comes too. I sometimes have nasty dreams.’
They all looked at her anxiously. She never mentioned her dreadful experiences, but she must still be suffering.
‘If Lowri came too, it would be absolutely perfect. And I’d only ask you to stay one night because I know how busy she is.’
‘And I’m busy, too. I have lots and lots of jobs to do, don’t I, Lowri?’
‘You certainly do. But I think Maud and Lottie will manage for one day.’
May’s father was even more delighted about the military honour than his daughter. He sent Tom a letter.
To have a son-in-law wounded in the service of his country is thrilling but the fact that he’s also the recipient of a Military Cross makes me the happiest man alive. May has mentioned your determination to master driving a car and it will obviously be a particular godsend for you. Will you do me the honour of accepting a motor car from me as a token of my pride. I have a Daimler – not the same model as the king – and they assure me that they can adapt the same one for you because I have found it most reliable. May will drop me a line to tell me that you agree. Please agree, dear Tom. If you do, I’ll save you the trouble of coming up to London to ask for my daughter’s hand. Precious as she is to me, I’m now certain that you have deserved her. How’s that for magnanimity? With best wishes to you and all your family.
Lawrence Malcolm.
‘How generous,’
Tom said. ‘It would surely be churlish not to accept. And I must say that at the present time I’d find it difficult to justify buying any car let alone a Daimler which, even I know, is particularly splendid. I must write to thank your father this afternoon.’
Lowri and Mari Elen had their day’s shopping in the West End and brought home beautiful dresses, Mari Elen’s was very pale pink and flouncy with tiny rosebuds in darker pink on the sash and Lowri’s was apple-green silk and very plain.
‘There were much prettier dresses for Lowri in the shop. Some had frills and lace. I don’t know why she didn’t listen to me.’
‘What did you choose for her?’ Josi asked. ‘I wish I could have been with you. I bet I’d have been on your side.’
‘The one I liked best was dark blue watered silk with lace on the bodice and four wide frills all the way down from the bodice to the hem. It was really beautiful.’
‘It was beautiful,’ Lowri said, ‘ but I don’t think it suited me. You see, I certainly could never have worn it on any other occasion. But I’ll be able to wear the pale green to all sorts of functions: weddings, christenings, parties; and it fitted perfectly without any alteration.’
The Prossers’ new house was being built, Gwenllian was particularly thrilled to be having a bedroom of her own.
‘And what do we do with Brithdir?’ Josi asked. ‘Pull it down and sell the bricks, they’re home-made bricks, I know we could get something for them.’
Maudie was laying supper in the dining room. ‘Oh, Mr Ifans,’ she said, ‘excuse me listening to your conversation. Please don’t pull Brithdir down. John Charles and I want to get married and he works for a builder and he could try to put it right in his spare time. We’d love to live in Brithdir, or even in a part of it, and I’d still be able to come over here every day.’
‘But you’re very young to be getting married, Maudie,’ Tom said.
‘I know I am, Mr Tom, only just eighteen, but I’m getting older all the time and John Charles…’
She failed to finish her sentence. She was a big, golden-haired girl in her prime and Tom was young enough to know what John Charles had in mind.
‘I’m not pretending it was all him either,’ she told Tom later when they were alone together. ‘I mean I wasn’t forced, don’t think that. I mean I’d accepted the feel of his body, the shape of it, I mean, and by the time I wanted to stop he wouldn’t stop and he said that was my fault, too.’
‘It wasn’t your fault,’ Tom said, ‘that’s all I want to say. There’s nothing else to say, nothing else to concern me.’
‘Thank you,’ Maudie said in a choked voice. She seemed aware that she’d already said too much.
‘And, well,’
Tom continued, ‘if John Charles undertakes to see to the roof and the general repairs then you can certainly rent it. Perhaps we can look forward to a spring wedding?’
‘I’m afraid we need to get married before the spring, Mr Tom. If you understand me.’
‘Of course. Well, the sooner the better then, I suppose.’
‘Thank you, Mr Tom. Oh, thank you. I’ll be able to tell my parents now. Thank you.’
Later that evening, Tom told his father about Maud.
‘Well, it’s the way of the world, Tom,’ Josi said. ‘ It’s how it’s always been, I suppose. As long as the man shoulders his responsibilities, I can’t think why the chapel insists on regarding it as such a sin. I’m afraid I sinned a fair amount in my early life, what about you?’
‘No’, Tom said. ‘There’s been very little sinning in mine. In France you could go and pay for it if you chose to. But I never did. To tell you the truth I’m fairly lacking in the sinning department.’
Josi went on looking at him. He seemed to have more he wanted to say.
‘I’ve sinned in my head of course,’ Tom added. ‘And that’s as bad, according to the Bible.’
‘Women are so beautiful,’ Josi said, ‘and one or two have beauty of soul as well.’
‘I wasn’t looking for anything like that. I wasn’t looking for anything really. But I remember, even when I was twelve or so, waiting by those rails where you can see the back stairs to watch the maids going up to bed. That’s all. Looking and just imagining them getting undressed.’ Tom sighed. ‘Do you remember that girl called Ceridwen something? Ceridwen Morris. She was not exactly fat, but full in that very sensuous way and in the lamplight her black hair had red flames in it. I was in the kitchen once – she knew I was there – and there was just a drop of sherry left in one of the decanters and she tipped it back into her mouth and I watched it slurping down her white throat and after she had swallowed it she looked over at me and laughed. She seemed to be challenging me in some way, perhaps only daring me to tell mother, but it seemed more, much more than that. I couldn’t sleep that night. Fourteen, fifteen, how old was I? I don’t remember. I was innocent except in my mind. And I suppose I’m not so different now.’ He sighed again.
Chapter twelve
When Tom was called in to see his bank manager, he thought he was in for an easy ride. He wasn’t aware of spending any large sums of money, the five hundred sovereigns was paying in full for the building work and the remainder would be very useful to pay his share of the wedding ceremony. He went in with his head held high.
The first thing dealt with was his medal, his bravery. ‘Well done lad. The whole locality is proud of you and I feel honoured to be dealing with your financial affairs.’ A long awkward pause. ‘However they are in rather a perilous state at the moment and I must warn you that you’ll have to make some really large changes as soon as possible.’
‘Great Heavens, what’s all this about? I didn’t think we were living differently from how we’ve always lived.’
‘Perhaps not, but now your capital has been eaten away and you can no longer afford to run the farm without it making a healthy profit.’
‘Doesn’t the farm at least pay for itself?’
‘It hasn’t for many years. Where do you imagine your profit comes from? Your living costs far outweigh what you make by your cattle sales and very little goes to market.’
‘We’ve always bred pedigree cattle. Some of our young bulls go to Ireland and England, they’re really sought after. My father and Mr Prosser can give you the exact figures, but I’m always astonished by the deals they make. And our heifers always do remarkably well.’
‘I have the figures. The sales are a drop in the ocean. You’ve even put up your wages. No other farmer in the district has been so generous.’
‘They’re all paid far too little. We had a good harvest this year.’
‘Most of your crops are kept for feed, though, isn’t that so? You sell skimmed milk to the biscuit factory in Rhosymaen instead of selling a regular supply of milk to the dairies.’
‘We send eggs to the mart every week.’
‘That’s pin money. You’ve got to change your lifestyle, Mr Evans, I’m afraid. You’ve always lived like gentry, but you can’t go on in that way without coming to grief. I can’t even advise you to sell some land, because you’d have to be doing it every year. You see how it’s been with me: always aware of your situation. Your charming mother dying and that was no time to bring all this on to your poor father. Then, when I was about to raise the matter again, you were off to war. Your farming is nothing but an expensive hobby, Mr Evans. I suggest you sell up and take up golf instead.
‘What can I do?’ Tom could scarcely speak.
‘Wasn’t there talk of you becoming a solicitor?’
‘No, I didn’t finish my time at Oxford. I wasn’t a scholar. I certainly didn’t like law. All I ever wanted was the farm.’
‘You could do a year’s training and become a teacher, I suppose. Oh, but the farm would be too expensive a hobby for a teacher.’
‘And I’m getting married in February. And I can’t see what changes we can make.’
‘Cefn Hebog is just about paying its way now that your father has let it, but Hendre Ddu is losing more and more every month.’
‘And you see how helpless I am. Can’t pull my weight, nothing but a liability.’
The man took over from the bank manager. ‘All is not lost. If you talk it over sensibly with your family some savings can certainly be made, but what is really needed is some change of direction, some scheme that will put you on your feet again. You could become an auctioneer, perhaps. Your knowledge of livestock is considerable and it seems very easy to hold one’s own when it comes to things like household furniture and effects. Of course you’d have to buy your way in and pay off that considerable loan, so you’d struggle for several years. But there’s a good living to be made and, if I may say so, you’ve got the necessary looks and voice for the job. People like someone with the gift of the gab and who’s a bit of a toff as well. Go to the mart on Wednesday morning and watch old Humphrey Watkins at it. People go there for the entertainment.’