Retribution (19 page)

His dark gaze was filled with torment. “Don’t talk to me about monsters. I was one of the worst.”

A few days ago, she’d have agreed completely. Hell, a few hours ago, she’d have agreed. Now …

“You told me you never killed a woman or child.”

“Just that one time, and I never got over it. One stupid mistake that has lived with me every day since. Bart told me I was an idiot to let it bother me. Better he give up the ghost than I be the one lying in a grave. But that boy didn’t give up the ghost. Not really. It followed me from town to town, and no matter what I did, I couldn’t escape it. Until the day a beautiful woman smiled at me. She didn’t see the ugliness I kept inside. For the first time in my life, she saw the man I wanted to be, and she helped me to find him. Because of her, I learned that, yeah, people are selfish assholes for the most part, but not everyone is. That there are some rare beings out there who will help others and not abuse them. People who really don’t want anything from you.”

He stroked her cheek with his thumb. “Acheron always says that our scars are there to remind us of our pasts, of where we’ve been and what we’ve gone through. But that pain doesn’t have to drive or determine our future. We can rise above it if we let ourselves. It’s not easy, but nothing in life ever is.”

Those words haunted her. Like he said, she’d allowed her past to color everything about her and to infect any part of happiness she might try to find. She’d worn her scars like a badge, and her family had used them against her. Not for her best interest.

For theirs.

His warm hand felt so good as he soothed her. “I don’t see the monster in you, Abby. Monsters don’t care about other people, and they don’t care who they hurt. In you, I see a woman who is strong. One who knows what’s right and who will do whatever she has to to protect the ones she loves.”

“I killed your friends,” she reminded him.

“And I’m not happy about that. But your head wasn’t screwed on right. It’s easy to let the enemies in and listen to them sometimes, especially when they’re pretending to be your best friends who only want the best for you. At least that’s what they claim. They’re insidious bastards, telling you what you want to hear and using your emotions to manipulate you into doing their bidding. I did it with Bart. I thought he was the only person in the world who gave a shit about me, and I would have protected him with my life.”

That was how she’d felt about Kurt.

“Sooner or later, usually out of jealousy, their real colors come out and you see the truth that makes you feel like a fool. I know that betrayal, Abigail. That sting that’s so deep inside, it leaves a permanent scar on your soul. But you don’t have to be like them. And
you’re
not.”

She felt her tears start falling at his words. He made her feel so much better, and she wasn’t sure she had a right to. Honestly. She’d hurt so many people. Destroyed lives.

Over a lie …

Before she realized what she was doing, she had her belt unhooked and crawled into his lap.

Jess slid the seat back so that he could hold her in the darkness. The scent of her hair filled his head as his heart thumped wildly. He held her close, wishing he could take away the pain.

Only time could do that.

And it sucked at it. “It’ll be all right, Abigail.”

“Yeah, after I sacrifice myself for my stupidity.”

“I told you, I’m not going to let that happen.”

Abigail wanted to believe him. She did. But she knew better. “There’s nothing to be done. It is what it is.”

He scoffed at that. “You’re talking to a man who sold his soul to a goddess to get revenge on the man who killed him. Really? You think
this
is impossible?”

She smiled against his chest. The way he said that, she could almost believe in a miracle. For the first time, she wanted to. She buried her face against his shoulder, inhaling his scent. Why was it that here, she finally felt safe? Even though there were enemies all around and a vicious mountain lion waiting outside to devour them, she felt safe. It defied all logic and sense.

Jess kissed the top of her head while his own emotions flared deep. He’d forgotten what it was like to look into a woman’s eyes and see a future he craved. To be this close to one and to share things about his past that he told to no one.

Not even Matilda had known what he told to Abigail tonight. While he’d loved her, he’d always lived with the fear that she’d find out about his past and be horrified by it. That she’d cast him aside as everyone else had and hate him for the very things he’d done to survive.

But Abigail knew his ugliness.

She felt his scars.

It made him feel all the closer to her. Appreciate her more for not judging him. At least not now. She understood how easy it was to get sucked into a nightmare and how hard it was to get out. To do things you thought were justified and then wake up and realize you’d been duped. Lied to.

Used.

He’d woken up as a Dark-Hunter only to feel like a whore. Like he’d sold his life away for pocket change. And for what? To die alone in the gutter at the hands of his best friend.

He could hide his past from everyone, except himself. That was the hardest part. Even when you tried, forgiveness didn’t come easy.

Some days it didn’t come at all.

Maybe it would be kinder to let her die so that she wouldn’t have to face that agony.

Life ain’t supposed to be kind
.

True. And God knew, it’d been nothing but a kick in his groin most days. But then there were moments like this one. Perfect moments of feeling close to someone. Of letting their warmth soothe you.

That was what living was about. That was being human. When everything hurt and everything was wrong, to have that one person who could make you smile even when all you wanted to do was cry.

These were the moments that got you through the bad.

Abigail looked up at him. He stared into those clear eyes as her breath tickled his skin.

And in that heartbeat, he knew he would die to protect her.

God help me
.

The last time he felt this way, he had died. Leaning his head down, he pressed his forehead against hers and tried to see the future.

If there was one after all of this.

But he knew the truth. He was a Dark-Hunter, and she was …

Unique. There was nothing in the Dark-Hunter handbook about this situation.

He looked outside the car wash to see the wasps still swarming as they tried to find a way in. He didn’t know how long this wave would last. How much time they had for anything.

Abigail cupped his head with her hand as her thoughts warred with each other. In spite of what Jess said, she couldn’t see anyway out of this.

Except for death.

She’d really screwed up this time. In a life marked by mistakes, this had been the mother lode. And she’d dragged a good man into the nightmare with her.

Emotions ripped through her so fast, she couldn’t even sort them out. She wanted to feel grounded again. To feel like she had a future.

But the only thing that kept her anchored was Jess.

Her heart swelling, she pulled his lips to hers and kissed him. This was probably the last night of her life. She’d be lucky if any of them were alive by dawn.

And all because she’d been an idiot.

She owed him a debt more than she could pay for standing by her and saving her life. But it wasn’t just obligation she felt for him. There was something so much more. Deeper.

She felt like she was a part of him. And she didn’t want to die without letting him know.

Rising up in the seat, she straddled his hips.

Jess frowned as he looked up into Abigail’s eyes. There was a hungry fire there he’d never seen before. And as she started unbuttoning her shirt, his breath caught. “Um … Abigail—”

She stopped his words by pressing her forefinger to his lips. Then she slid it slowly down his chest, heading south until she reached his fly.

“I know we don’t have long, Jess. But this may be the only time we’ll ever have. And I don’t want to die without making amends to you.”

“You don’t have to do
this
.”

She smiled. “I know. I want to do this.”

And all his arguments and thoughts scattered as she slid her hand into his jeans and touched him. Oh yeah, he was lost now.

He knew that after this, he would never be the same again.

12

Abigail had never done anything like this a day in her life. She’d never even fantasized about it. But as they waited here, so close to death and with her mortality breathing down her neck, she couldn’t help herself.

Jess didn’t love her—she knew that. But it didn’t matter. She’d seen inside his heart to the man he’d been and to the one he currently was. And the woman in her wanted to touch that part of him and share it. Once she was gone from this earth, he’d remember her.

For eternity.

She wanted him to remember her as someone who’d been decent and caring. Not the soulless monster she currently felt like.

Please see the real me.

Just once.

No one ever had. She’d always been so strong around Hannah and Kurt. Never let them see her fears. She’d strived to be a perfect sister and to help them with whatever problem they had, no matter what was going on in her own life, no matter how badly she ached inside.

They had come first.

And of course, to be a dutiful daughter to her adoptive parents, she’d learned to bury herself and her emotions and let no one ever see them. Her one fear had always been that they would regret taking a human into their home and turn her out into the streets if she caused them any problem whatsoever.

Most Apollites tried to hide their distaste about her unfortunate human birth, but she saw through the hollow smiles and false offers of friendship, especially her adoptive father’s. Like the others, he’d tried to hide it. But he couldn’t.

The truth had been forever etched in his eyes, and it had cut her to her soul.

They weren’t her people, and they never forgot that fact. No matter how hard she’d tried to fit in and convince them that she was on their side. That she would fight to the death for them. No matter how many Hunters she pursued for them. There was still a wall they kept in place that she wasn’t allowed to climb.

You’re a human, and that’s all you’ll ever be to them.

But she’d always wanted to be more. In spite of it all, she’d loved them like the family they were to her. She’d always wanted to be accepted by them. To not feel like that needy child staring through a window at a world that would never welcome her in. That isolation had always stung and hurt.

Until now. Now, for the first time, all that desolate pain was gone.

Sundown made her feel like she belonged. Like she was wanted. It was as if he’d opened the door and finally said that it was okay for her to come inside. That he didn’t mind being with her.

That she was welcome here.

For that, she would sell her soul.

Jess lifted his hand to cup her face. Smiling at him, she kissed his palm before she nuzzled the calluses there. His skin was so much tougher than hers. So manly. But that was what she loved about it. She leaned forward to nip at his whiskered chin while she stroked his cock. He was so hard and yet velvety soft.

He watched her from beneath lashes so thick, they should be illegal. “Be a hell of a time for a bee sting, wouldn’t it?” he whispered against her lips.

She laughed. “You’re so not right.”

He kissed the tip of her nose. “Yeah, well, you’re pretty damn perfect from where I’m sitting.”

Those words made her heart soar. No one had ever said anything kinder to her. Closing her eyes, she leaned into him and held him tight. Why couldn’t they have met under different circumstances? He was someone she could have loved. Had he not been a Dark-Hunter. Had her parents not been murdered.

Now …

There was nothing for them. If they survived, they couldn’t stay together. No hope for any kind of future. This was all they’d ever have.

And she wanted to hold on to this moment forever. To pretend that they weren’t who they were. Just two normal people who meant something to each other, who’d met by mere happenstance.

“Why are you so sad?”

She swallowed at his question. “I’m not sad, Jess. I’m scared.”

“I won’t hurt you.”

And that made her ache all the more as guilt stabbed her hard. Before she knew the truth, she would have hurt him in an instant. “I know.”

He captured her lips as he slid his hand beneath her bra. His fingers teased her skin, sending chills the length of her body. It had been so long since she’d been with any man. Her training had always taken precedence, leaving her very little time to focus on something she’d always considered trivial. Relationships had seemed wasted. You never got as much out as you put in. It was a recipe for disaster and heartbreak, and she’d never wanted to waste her time with it.

Jess would have been worth the effort, though. The way he’d cherished Matilda …

That was what it was all about. Putting someone above you. Loving them with everything you had. Living for the sole reason of seeing them happy even if it meant you suffering for their well-being.

It was so rare that she’d never once allowed herself to contemplate the fact that it might be real. She’d relegated it to the realm of unicorns and fairies. A nice story to hear, but a total pipe dream.

Why couldn’t she have been worth a love like his?

Had Matilda really appreciated what she’d been given?

I hope so.
It made the tragedy of their doomed love seem less severe.

Jess cradled Abigail against him. She was shivering, and he wasn’t sure why. Yeah, he could read her mind and find out, but he didn’t like doing that to people. It was downright rude. And something he reserved for necessary times only.

This wasn’t one of those.

A woman’s mind was her own. Matilda had taught him that. It was something to be respected, as was her will. Still, it pained him to have her hurting while she was making love to him. It didn’t seem right.