Releasing Me (2 page)

I never had the urge to get a tattoo, but my Lamborghini still has one in the form of a rear fender dent, compliments of the love of my life and her beater car, Karma. Addy insisted on paying to have it repaired, but I was never ready. Every time I looked at the dent, I’d get an instant hard-on remembering the best fucking blow job of my life. I went from intense agitation to absolute ecstasy in a matter of seconds. She didn’t even hesitate; it seemed instinctive. After that day, I intentionally parked closer to Karma. I figured it would only be a matter of time before Addy would be on her knees again making amends, not to mention giving Tom a new security tape to watch over and over again.

*

The pain medication did
its job, for the most part. The following two days were spent in and out of sleep. I stayed awake long enough to eat a little food, but that was short-lived, as I was given only fluids before my second surgery. I never woke up alone. My mother, Addy, and Chase rotated keeping post by my bed. The morning of my surgery they waited near the door as the nurses did some final tests before prepping me for surgery.

My mother held Addy’s left hand in hers while she inspected the ring I had given her. They were whispering something, but I couldn’t hear them. My mother occasionally looked at me with an approving smile.

*

Buying a ring for Addy
was like buying a winter coat for a polar bear. She didn’t need it, and in some ways it looked out of place on her finger. She was the epitome of
“
simple but elegant.
”
However, I couldn’t resist buying her something that symbolized how beautiful and unique I thought she was.

I don’t remember when I fell in love with Addy. I just know that my heart knew it long before my head. I carried around her ring for over three months. I wanted to ask her to marry me the same day I picked it up from the jewelers, but I waited until I knew she’d say yes. Of course I never imagined it would take so long. Even when I packed it for our trip, I didn’t know for sure if Spain would be the right time.

I made the decision to propose only a split second before I said the words. Everything felt perfect. The problem was I’d been carrying around a ring waiting to find the perfect time, but just as unplanned and unexpected as the day Addy came into my life, the right time for forever found us on a moonlit beach in the Canary Islands.

*

How did I get here? Florescent lights. Sterile white walls. Sad faces. Why can I still feel the sand under my back and her naked body pressed against mine?

Addy wouldn’t look at m
e. Her apology left an emotional barrier between us. I felt it, but I didn’t understand it. Wrapping my head around the possibility that she’d dropped me was too difficult. The nurses let me have a few minutes alone with my family before I was taken to surgery.

“
I love you, my beautiful boy, Godspeed.
”
My mother cradled my face and kissed me before exiting the room.

“
See you on the other side … I mean, well you know, after surgery.
”
Chase fumbled his words while he squeezed my arm.

It was then only the two of us. Addy stood several feet away as if someone had given her a restraining order. After the bed incident it was possible the nurse did. I reached my hand out, but she hesitated for a moment before closing the gap and taking it.

“
Addy, about the other day—
”

“
Shh, don’t.
”
She shook her head.
“
I love you and that’s the last thing I want you to think about before they put you under and the first thing you remember when you come to. Okay?
”

Once again her body went rigid, and I knew she was holding back her tears. Were they tears of fear or tears of regret? I hoped they were mostly tears of love.

“
No matter what happens—
”

“
Shh, please don’t.
”
She swallowed and blinked away her tears.

I squeezed her hand and pulled her closer until she rested her head on mine.
“
No matter what happens today, tomorrow, or any day after that … don’t ever forget you are the love of my life.
”

She nodded against my head then kissed me as the nurses came in to take me to surgery.

Addy stepped back and forced a smile.
“
Bye, babe.
”

I shook my head as they wheeled my bed out.
“
Never goodbye.
”

CHAPTER TWO

Addy

It felt like
Quinn was
in surgery forever. When Dr. Muñez came out to let us know that the surgery was a success, we all breathed a sigh of relief. He told us it would be a while before we could see him, so I decided to go back to the hotel where Elena was staying. I was in dire need of a shower and some clean clothes. It also gave me a chance to call Mac in private. I hadn’t talked with her since the accident, just texting. I knew she was worried and desperate for more information.

“
Addy, how’s he doing?
”
Mac answered her phone with an emotion-choked voice.

“
He’s out of surgery and the doctor said it was successful.
”

“
Thank God. You don’t sound very happy?
”

“
Mac, something happened.
”

She hesitated before responding.
“
What do you mean? What happened?
”

The truth was a heavy burden to bear. I took a deep breath then shared my painful heart with Mac.

“
When he was climbing I … I let it slip that I’d been married.
”
My voice broke as the tears fell.

“
Addy, you weren’t going to be able to keep it a secret forever.
”

“
Oh God, Mac, it’s not that.
”
I wiped my face and sniffled.
“
It’s when he fell.
”
A sob escaped as my heart ached with the memory of his bloodied, limp body.

“
I don’t understand, sweetie. What’s when he fell?
”

“
As soon as the words slipped out of my mouth, he fell. Mac, I’m the reason he fell. I’m the reason he’s broken and in the hospital.
”
I sucked in two quick shaky breaths.

“
No, Addy, it’s not your fault. Don’t you dare take this all on yourself. I’m sure Quinn doesn’t blame you.
”

I didn’t respond but the silence on the line said it all.

“
Mac, he—
”

“
Jesus, Addy … he doesn’t remember, does he?
”
Mac’s voice was cautiously low.

“
No.
”

“
Are you going to tell him?
”

“
Yes, of course. I tried a couple of days ago, but then I accidentally pushed this button and his bed started to move and he started to scream. Then the nurse came in and—
”

“
Addy!
”
Mac cut me off.
“
Slow down. You’re starting to ramble.
”

“
Sorry. I’m nervous, scared, confused, and … and just freaking out. I don’t want to lose him.
”

“
You’re not going to lose him. He knows you have a past.
”

“
Mac, I’m no longer asking him to accept my past. I’m asking him to accept my past forever changing the course of his future. You didn’t see it, Mac. He would not have fallen in that spot at that time. And even if he would have, I know his instincts would have been better. It was as if he didn’t do anything to protect himself.
”

“
Addy, you don’t know that, and he’s going to be fine.
”

I pinched the bridge of my nose and shook my head.
“
They used plates and screws to piece his pelvis back together and he no longer has a spleen. It’s not like we were created with a bunch of unnecessary organs. ‘Hey, Quinn, sorry about your shitty immune system. A spleen would sure come in handy about now.’
”
I laughed at my own dramatic reaction and at the same time more tears fell to my cheeks.
“
What if he never walks without a limp? What if he never climbs, snowboards, or jumps out of a plane again?
”
A tight sob escaped from my chest.
“
What if … he never looks at me the same way again?
”
My voice was a strangled whisper.

“
Addy, I’m getting on a plane as soon as I can to—
”

“
No, Mac, don’t do that. We’ll be home in a few weeks and you can fly to New York then.
”

“
Addy, I don’t want to see you go down that path again.
”

“
I won’t tell him until we get home.
”

“
And if he remembers on his own before then?
”

I wanted to believe that nine years later I was a stronger person, but since Quinn had picked up so many pieces of my broken heart and claimed them for his own, I wasn’t so sure.

“
Then you can get on a plane,
”
I conceded.

*

By the time I returned to the hospit
al, Quinn was out of recovery and in a private room.

“
Hey, Addy, he just fell back to sleep. Chase and I are going to grab some food. Did you eat?
”

“
Yes, I grabbed something at the hotel.
”
I lied because she had enough to worry about; I didn’t want her feeling responsible for me. I wasn’t hungry, but I understood her motherly concern.

“
Okay then, we’ll be back in an hour or so. Call if you need us.
”

“
I will. Thanks, Elena.
”

Elena and Chase hugged me before leaving. I sat in the chair next to Quinn’s limp body in the hospital bed. The once chiseled edges to his muscles appeared softer, not quite as defined; the image before me was different than the naked, Latin sex god I used to stare at for hours. His face was pale and his eyes looked sunken in. The main reason I couldn’t eat was because of the guilt that sat like dead weight in the bottom of my gut. It was unlikely that Quinn’s dissociative amnesia would last forever. I needed to tell him before something triggered his memory. I reclined the chair and closed my eyes. Overcome with exhaustion, I fell asleep.

The sun had set and the room was dimly lit when I awoke. Dark chocolate eyes met mine, and I sat up in the chair.

“
Hi,
”
I whispered in a soft, sleepy voice.

Quinn gave me a weak but loving smile as he opened his hand. I put mine in his, and even in his injured state, I was reminded of his strength as his large strong hand enveloped mine.

I looked around the room.

“
They went back to the hotel. I told them not to wake you.
”
His voice was raspy.

He had major surgery just hours ago yet he was looking out for my well-being. My heart constricted.

“
Are you in pain?
”

“
Not too bad. I think they have me on some pretty strong stuff.
”

“
Dr. Muñez said the surgery went as good as could be expected. Given your age and health, you should make a full recovery.
”
I was speaking to Quinn, but I was trying to convince myself more than him.

“
I’m sure naughty Nurse Addy will have me
up
in no time.
”

It was faint, but I saw a sparkle in his eyes. I needed that more than he could ever have known.

“
Hmm … are you thinking white uniform, cleavage, miniskirt, and garter belt?
”
I lowered the pitch of my voice and slid my tongue along my upper lip.

“
Dear God, yes please.
”
His smile grew for a moment, but it was short lived as he winced.

I stood and stepped closer to him.
“
Are you ok?
”

He exhaled a tight breath.
“
Yeah, just a reality check.
”

I saw him push the button that controlled his pain medicine. It only took a few minutes for his eyes to get heavy again.

“
I’m going to get a snack from the cafeteria. You get some rest. Okay, babe?
”
I leaned down and kissed his dry lips.

He didn’t speak, he just gave a slight nod before his eyes closed.

I didn’t go to the cafeteria. Instead, I went outside and walked around the hospital. The cool, evening breeze felt nice, and the fresh air helped clear my mind. I wanted to stay focused on Quinn and getting him better. We would talk about the other stuff once he was home and on the mend.

*

Quinn spent two and a half weeks in the
hospital. Dr. Muñez wanted him to stay for a few more days, but Quinn insisted he was ready to leave. The physical therapist worked with Quinn, and he was able to get around with the aid of a walker. I had already made arrangements for one of the best physical therapists in New York City to come to our place and work with Quinn for as long as he needed.

Elena came back with us as well. She said she had some things to go through at her house anyway, but I knew Quinn was the real reason for her decision. She also insisted we start planning the
“
big
”
wedding. She thought it might cheer Quinn up and persuade him to work harder if he had a goal. I didn’t argue with her, but the wedding had fallen off my radar. Quinn and I had too many obstacles to overcome before a wedding was going to be in the picture.

It was a relief to be home after the long flight. Elena went to her house to get settled while I made dinner for myself and Quinn.

“
Nice to see you eating something again,
”
Quinn commented as I shoved a fork full of pasta into my mouth.

I smiled as I slurped up the last piece that hung from my mouth.
“
Not to sound conceited, but this tastes so good. Overripe bananas and mushy apples from the hospital cafeteria were getting old. I probably lost ten pounds. My clothes feel baggy.
”

“
You’re looking too thin.
”

That comment was quite ironic coming from a guy who dated anorexic looking models.

“
I won’t for long if I keep making comfort food like this.
”

After dinner, Quinn rested on the couch while I unpacked our suitcases. He was looking drowsy by the time I came back downstairs.

“
Do you want me to help you to bed, or would you like me to help you shower?
”

Quinn laughed but it was more like a sarcastic grunt.
“
So this is how it’s going to be for the next so many weeks or months? ‘Quinn, do you need help with this? Quinn, do you need help with that? Quinn, do you need help with everything?’
”

He looked out the window and not at me. I tried not to take it personally, since he didn’t know how much it really was
my
fault, but the words still hurt. I assumed he would probably fight some depression and go through moments of self-pity, but I wasn’t expecting it to start tonight.

I wondered if it was time to just tell him everything, lay it all on the line. The idea of getting it off my chest was liberating, and I thought maybe Quinn needed someone to blame.

“
Quinn I—
”

“
No, Addy, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it that way. I know this isn’t going to be easy on you either, and it was a shit thing for me to say.
”

Tell him!

He looked at me and I saw so many mixed emotions in his expression: pain, anger, pity, but also love, compassion, and sorrow.

“
I really need a shower, and yes, I would appreciate your help.
”

I helped him shower and it was the first time we were both naked together without an impulsive hunger for each other. He was in too much pain and so was I, but mine was a different sort of pain. After he hobbled his injured body to the bed, I put an herbal healing salve on his wounds and a clean dressing.

When I stood to put the supplies away he grabbed my arm.
“
Thank you.
”

“
Please don’t thank me,
”
I pleaded with a painful smile.

“
Addy, what’s wrong?
”

I pulled away from him and walked toward the bathroom.

“
Did you drop me?
”
It was a faint whisper, but I heard him.

I froze. I couldn’t turn to look at him. The time had come for me to tell him. I knew it would be a turning point in our relationship, but I feared it would be in the wrong direction. My breath was strangled, my heart constricted, and all words escaped me. I shook my head and kept walking. It wasn’t a lie. I didn’t drop him.

*

He didn’t ask me about it again, and I wa
s a coward. Every time an opportunity presented itself to tell him, we were either interrupted or I lost my nerve.

The following month was treacherous. Quinn was making great progress during his physical therapy sessions, but not without pain. He defined
“
no pain, no gain
.
”
It exhausted him, but he refused to sleep much during the day. He had his laptop in front of him almost constantly, working to keep his business deals moving forward. His assistant stopped by several days a week to have him sign papers, and he used video conferencing in place of traveling for meetings.

I felt like a helpless animal that had been attacked. Guilt was eating me alive, and I wasn’t sure how much longer I could take it. Elena was a lifesaver. She stayed with Quinn while I ran errands. Neither she nor Quinn ever asked me where I went or why I was gone for so long. When Quinn wasn’t focused on his pain, he was focused on business. Elena was trying to plan a wedding that didn’t have a date or location.

Avoidance became my method for survival. I went to yoga then jogging in Central Park. One day I even went to a matinee by myself. The guilt was killing me, and I looked for any excuse to escape. Quinn struggled to deal with his injuries, but he didn’t want my help.