Authors: Tamera Alexander
A stab of pain in his chest sucked Larson’s breath away.
Kathryn
.
He dismounted and started to go to her, but something held him back.
Kathryn walked to the pile of loose dirt and scooped up a handful. She stepped forward and, hesitating for a moment, finally let it sift through her fingers. Larson was close enough to hear the hollow sound of dirt and pebbles striking the coffin below. He was certain he saw her shudder. Her movements were slow and deliberate.
She looked different to him somehow, but still, he drank her in. He felt the scattered pieces of his life coming back together.
His thoughts raced to imagine who could be inside that coffin. He swiftly settled on one. Bradley Duncan. He remembered the afternoon he’d found the young man at the cabin visiting Kathryn. Despite past months of pleading with God to quell his jealous nature and for the chance to make things right with his wife, a bitter spark rekindled deep inside him.
Larson bowed his head. Would he ever possess the strength to put aside his old nature? At that moment, Kathryn turned toward him, and he knew the answer was no.
He didn’t want to believe it. He knew his wife’s body as well as his own, from vivid memory as well as from his dreams, and the gentle bulge beneath her skirts left little question in his mind. Larson’s legs felt like they might buckle beneath him.
Matthew Taylor, his foreman and supposed friend, stood close beside Kathryn. Taylor slipped an arm around her shoulders and drew her close. Liquid fire shot through Larson’s veins. He’d trusted Matthew Taylor with the two most important things in the world to him—his ranch and his wife. It would seem that Taylor had failed him on both counts. And in the process, had given Kathryn what Larson never could.
With Taylor’s hand beneath her arm, Kathryn turned away from the grave. He whispered something to her. She smiled back, and Larson’s heart turned to stone. They walked past him as though he weren’t there. He suddenly felt invisible, and for the first time in his life, he wasn’t bothered by the complete lack of recognition. Defeat and fury warred inside him as he watched Kathryn and Taylor walk back toward town.
When the preacher had returned to the church and the cemetery workers finished their task and left, Larson walked to the edge of the grave. He took in the makeshift headstone, then felt the air squeeze from his lungs. Reading the name carved into the splintered piece of old wood sent him to his knees. His world shifted full tilt.
Just below the dates 1828–1868 was the name—
L
ARSON
R
OBERT
J
ENNINGS
Five months earlier
December 24, 1867
L
ARSON JENNINGS PEERED inside the frosted window of the snow-drifted cabin. Sleet and snow pelted his face, but he was oblivious to winter’s biting chill. A slow-burning heat started in his belly and his hot breath fogged the icy pane as he watched the two of them together.
His wife’s smile, her laughter, wholly focused on another man, ignited a painful memory and acted like a knife to his heart. It was all he could do not to break down the door when he entered the cabin.
Kathryn stood immediately, stark surprise shadowing her brown eyes. “Larson, I’m so glad you’re home.” But her look conveyed something altogether different. She set down her cup and moved away from her seat next to Bradley Duncan at the kitchen table. “Bradley’s home from university and dropped by . . . unexpectedly.” Lowering her gaze, she added more softly, “To talk. . . .”
Bradley Duncan came to his feet, nearly knocking over his cup. Larson turned and glared down at the smooth-faced, educated boy, not really a man yet, even at twenty-three. Not in Larson’s estimation anyway. Larson stood at least a half-foot taller and held a sixty-pound, lean-muscled advantage. He despised weakness, and Duncan exuded it. Having learned from a young age to use his stature to intimidate, Larson was tempted now to simply break this kid in two.
He turned to examine Kathryn’s face for a hint of deceit. Her guarded expression didn’t lessen his anger. Trusting had never been easy for him, and when it came to his wife and other men, he found it especially hard. He’d seen the way men openly admired her and could well imagine the thoughts lingering beneath the surface.
“Mr. J-Jennings.” Duncan’s eyes darted to Kathryn and then back again. “I just stopped by to share these books with Kathryn. I purchased them in Boston.”
Larson didn’t like the sound of his wife’s name on this boy’s lips.
“I thought she might enjoy reading them. She loves to read, you know,” Duncan added, as though Larson didn’t know his wife of ten years. “Books don’t come cheaply. And with your ranch not faring too well these days, I thought . . .”
Almost imperceptibly, Kathryn’s expression changed. Duncan fell silent. Larson felt a silent warning pass from his wife to the boy now shifting from foot to foot before him.
The rage inside him exploded. A solid blow to Duncan’s jaw sent the boy reeling backward.
Kathryn gasped, her face drained of color. “Larson—”
His look silenced her. He hauled Duncan up by his starched collar and silk vest and dragged him to his fancy mount tied outside. Once Duncan was astride, Larson smacked the Thoroughbred on the rump and it took off.
Kathryn waited at the door, her shawl clutched about her shoulders, her eyes dark with disapproval. “Larson, you had no right to act in such a manner. Bradley Duncan is a boy, and an honorable one at that.”
Larson slammed the door behind him. “I saw the way he looked at you.”
She gave a disbelieving laugh. “Bradley thinks of me as an older sister.”
Larson moved to within inches of her and stared down hard. She stiffened, but to her credit she didn’t draw back. She never had. “I don’t have siblings, Kathryn, but take it from me, that’s not the way a man looks at his sister.”
Kathryn sighed, and a knowing look softened her expression. “Larson, I have never looked at another man since I met you. Ever,” she whispered, slowly lifting a hand to his cheek. Her eyes shimmered. “The life I chose is still the life I want. What other men think is of no concern to me. I want you, only you. When will you take that to heart?”
He wanted to brush away her hand, but the feelings she stirred inside him were more powerful than his need to be in control. He pulled her against him and kissed her, wanting to believe her when she said she didn’t ever want for another man, another life.
“I love you,” she whispered against his mouth.
He drew back and looked into her eyes, wishing he could answer. But he couldn’t. Something deep inside him was locked tight. He didn’t even know what it was, really, but he’d learned young that it was safer to keep it hidden, tucked away.
A smile touched Kathryn’s lips, as though she were able to read his thoughts.
Larson pulled her to him and kissed her again, more gently this time, and a soft sigh rose from her throat. Kathryn possessed a hold over him that frightened him at times. He wondered if she even knew. She deserved so much more than what he’d given her. He should be the one buying her books and things—not some half-smitten youth. He wanted to surround Kathryn with wealth that equaled that of her Boston upbringing and to see pride in her eyes when she looked at him.
A look he hadn’t seen in a long, long time.
The familiar taste of failure suddenly tinged his wife’s sweetness, and Larson loosened his embrace. He carefully unbraided his fingers from her thick blond hair. Her eyes were still closed, her breathing staggered. Her cheeks were flushed.
He gently traced her lips with his thumb. Despite ten years spent carving out a life in this rugged territory, her beauty had only deepened. No wonder he caught ranch hands staring.
She slowly opened her eyes, and he searched their depths.
Kathryn said she’d never wanted another man, that she was satisfied with their meager life. And the way she responded to him and looked at him now almost made him believe his suspicions were unfounded. But there was one thing that Kathryn wanted with all her heart, something he hadn’t been able to give her. No matter how he’d tried and prayed, his efforts to satisfy her desire for a child had proven fruitless.
In that moment something inside him, a presence dark and familiar, goaded his feelings of inadequacy. He heeded the inaudible voice, and flints of doubt ignited within him. It wouldn’t be the first time Kathryn had lied.
He set her back from him and turned. “I’ve got work to do in the barn. I’ll be back in a while.”
Preferring the familiar bite of Colorado Territory’s December to the wounded disappointment he saw in his wife’s eyes, Larson slammed the door behind him.
Kathryn Jennings stared at the door, its jarring shudder reverberating in her chest. It was a sound she was used to hearing from her husband, in so many ways. Though Larson’s emotional withdrawal never took her by surprise anymore, it always took a tiny piece of her heart. She pressed a hand to her mouth, thinking of his kiss.
Shutting her eyes briefly, she wished—not for the first time— that Larson would desire
her
—the whole of who she was—as much as he desired her affection. Would there ever come a time when he would let her inside? When he would fully share whatever tormented him, the demons he wrestled with in his sleep?
She looked down at her hands clasped tightly at her waist. Many a night she’d held him as he was half asleep, half crazed. As he moaned in guttural whispers about his mother long dead and buried.
But not forgotten, nor forgiven.
Knowing he would be back soon and anticipating his mood, Kathryn set about finishing dinner. She added a dollop of butter to the potatoes, basted the ham, and let the pages of her memory flutter back to happier days—to the first day she saw Larson. Even then, she’d sensed a part of him that was hidden, locked away. Being young and idealistic, though, she considered his brooding sullenness an intrigue and felt certain she held the key to unlocking its mysteries. Time had eroded that certainty.
She drew two china plates from the dining hutch, ones she used only on the most special occasions. Though their cabin lay draped in winter at the foot of the Rocky Mountains, miles from their nearest neighbors and half a day’s ride to the town of Willow Springs, she managed to keep track of the holidays. And this was the most special.
A half hour later, they sat across from one another at the table, hardly touching the carefully prepared meal, and with not a hint of the festive mood Kathryn had hoped for that morning.
“What did you tell Duncan this afternoon?” Larson broke the silence, his voice oddly quiet.
Kathryn looked up, her frown an unspoken question.
He studied her for a moment, then turned his attention back to his plate. “Did you tell him about the ranch?”
She shook her head and swallowed, only then gaining his meaning. “No, I didn’t,” she said softly, knowing her answer would hurt him. No doubt Duncan had heard from others, which meant things must be worse than she thought.
Larson pushed his chair back from the table and stood. An unseen weight pressed down on his broad shoulders, giving him an older appearance. “I’ll sell some of the horses in order to see us through. And if we make it to market this spring, if winter holds steady, we should make it another year.”
Kathryn nodded and looked away, sobered by the news. Feeling her husband’s eyes on her, she looked back and smiled, hoping it appeared genuine. “I know we’ll be fine.”
Larson walked to the door and shrugged into his coat. Hand on the latch, he didn’t look back when he spoke. “Dinner was good tonight, Kathryn. Real good.” He sighed. “I’ve got some work to do. You go on to bed.”
She cleared the table and washed the dishes. Drying off the china plates, she ran a finger around the gold-rimmed edge. A present from her mother four years back. Only two had arrived unbroken. But they were the last gift Elizabeth Cummings had given her before she died, and knowing her mother had touched this very dish made Kathryn feel a bit closer to her somehow. Her mind went to the two letters she’d written her father since her mother’s passing. Though the letters hadn’t been returned unopened, neither had William Cummings answered. His apparent disinterest in her life— though not new to Kathryn—still tore at old wounds.
Refusing to dwell on what she couldn’t change, Kathryn slipped the plates back into the hutch. Her hand hit against a small wooden crate wedged carefully in the back, and a muffled chime sounded from within, followed by another single stuttered tone. Glancing over her shoulder to the door, she pulled the small box from its hiding place.
Kathryn opened the lid and, thinking of what lay within, a warm reminiscence shivered up her spine. A smile curved her mouth despite the caution edging her anticipation. It had been months since she’d allowed herself to take it out, though she’d thought about it countless times in recent weeks. Especially with the harsh winter they were having. What would happen if the rest of the winter was equally cruel?
A lone wrapped item lay nestled within the box. She carefully began unfolding the crumpled edges of a
Boston Herald
social page dated December 24, 1857. The irony of the date on the newspaper made her smile again. Exactly ten years had blurred past since she’d fled the confines of her youth for a new, more promising life with the man who’d captured her heart.
And who held it still, despite how different life was from how she’d imagined.
She lifted the music box from the paper and ran her fingers over the smooth lacquered finish. It was the last birthday music box she’d received from her parents and her favorite. The one commemorating her seventeenth birthday. Each had been diminutive in size and exquisite in design and melody. Six years ago she’d parted with all of them, save this one.
She glanced behind her to the frost-crusted window half obscured by snow, then back to the box in her hands. Sometimes she missed the sheltered world of affluence. Not that she would trade her life with Larson. She only wished their ranch had been more successful. For his sake as well as hers.