Authors: Melissa Delport
The truth be told, I know it is Kyle. I knew it the moment he asked me which room was mine; before that even. I know when he tears my lace camisole and lowers his head to my breas
ts. I know when he rams me against the bedroom wall and blazes a trail of hot, searing kisses from my mouth to my throat. It is Kyle who rips off my panties and Kyle who squeezes my bare buttocks so hard that it is sweet agony. It is Kyle who jabs his finger so deep inside of me that I cry out, not caring if the entire gathering downstairs hears it, and it is Kyle who buries himself in me and groans in ecstasy when I scratch my nails down his back so hard that it draws blood.
I know it is Kyle and I don’t care. He nips my lip and I cry out as he drives me to orgasm after orgasm. It is wild and feral and dirty, and for the first time in my life I just don’t give a damn.
I am still coming down to earth and Kyle is already zipping up his pants. I roll over and encounter a handful of lace. Picking up the shreds of what remains of my underwear, I bite the feather pillow in mild hysteria to stop from laughing.
“When did you know?” he asks, buttoning up his shirt and glancing out of the window.
“As soon as you arrived,” I answer and he cocks his head, bemused. I jump off the bed feeling better than I have in ages. “You said ‘Enough’ and then you dragged me through the crowd like some sort of caveman.” I say, pulling on my skirt.
“So?” he asks, running his hands through his dark curls.
“So Adam would never be so unrestrained,” I pull on my jacket and button it up to hide the lack of a camisole. “He would also never bump into people and not apologise.” I slip on my heels and smooth down my hair. Kyle is staring at my chest and I turn to the mirror, realising that my cleavage is far too visible without anything underneath the jacket. I cross to the wardrobe and pull out a beautiful fawn coloured blouse. Naked from the waist up I bend over to grab a new pair of panties and I feel a warm hand between my legs.
“So if you knew all along why did you show me where your room was?” Kyle asks, his fingers moving intimately and expertly, my knees going weak.
“Why do you think?” I turn around slowly and smirk, my mouth turning up at the corners as I try not to smile.
“Oh, so you’re using me now?” he grins evilly, his other hand coming up to fondle my breast. I want to tell him to stop. Now that I have regained control of my senses I realise how wrong this is, but Kyle is an amazing lover and I cannot help it, my body responds of its own accord and I part my legs to give him more access. Determined to hang onto what little self-control I have left, I gaze at him through heavy lids and I say huskily, “I still love Adam.”
I watch as the grin fades from his face. He looks irritated for a minute and then he snorts with laughter.
“What?” I ask warily, finally finding the will to try and move away from his still probing fingers. He steps closer and leans forward to whisper in my ear.
“Well then you can explain to him why you’re not wearing any underwear,” he waggles his eyebrows and in the infinitesimal second before it happens I realise what he is about to do.
I see the twitch and a moment later I am staring into the beautiful blue eyes of the man I love.
Adam blinks a few times then he slowly looks down and takes in my nakedness and the compromising position we are standing in. His eyes widen in shock and then he deliberately takes a few steps backward and runs his hands through his hair.
“So, it finally happened?
” he asks and I nod in confirmation. He looks angry and disgusted and accepting all in one, and I reach for him automatically, dropping my hands to my side as he flinches away from me.
“Well,” he half-smiles and I can see the enormous restraint he is exercising to remain calm, “at least we know I won’t have caught anything this way,” he tries and fails to make a joke of it. “That son-of-a-bitch!” he curses softly, shaking his head.
I quickly turn away, dressing hastily, and then I turn back to face him. I close my eyes and take a deep breath.
“It wasn’t his fault, Adam,” I confess and he looks at me, a confused expression on his face.
“What?”
“I wanted this. You weren’t in any danger. Kyle wasn’t going anywhere that I couldn’t follow.” I will not keep secrets from Adam. As hard as it is, I have to tell him the truth.
“So,” I can see him trying desperately to justify what has happened in his head, to somehow make it alright. “So, you wanted to...” He is frowning and I can see that he just doesn’t understand.
I heave a sigh and sit on the edge of the bed, and after a moment’s hesitation he sinks down beside me,
“Tell me, Paige.”
“Kyle was my escape clause,” I admit, glancing up at him. He considers this for a moment and then he nods, sadly.
“From me?”
“No,” I shake my head vehemently and his own jerks up in surprise.
“From my life,” I explain, smiling, even as the tears well up in my eyes and spill over to run slowly down my cheeks. “It was just too much; for a moment there I thought...” I swallow, taking a deep breath before I continue, “I thought I might not make it,” I admit, and Adam’s eyes widen in horror as my words sink in. I hold up a hand to stop any protests he is about to make. I need to finish. “This life is almost too much to bear, Adam. I love you; truly I do, and I want to be with you. I can deal with all that that entails – most days; but I buried my father today and, just for today, I wanted to forget. I wanted to escape.” I cast around helplessly for the right words but I come up blank. “Do you understand?” I ask him, the question hanging between us.
Adam runs his fingers through his hair and stands suddenly.
“Son of a bitch!” he yells again, and I jump as his fist slams into the mirror shattering it. Adam’s knuckles are white as he clenches the sides of the vanity, trying to rein in his temper.
“He'll never touch you again,” he vows, catching my eye in what little remains of the mirror. “If he so much as lays a finger on you,” he continues, turning around to face me, “I’ll kill him, Paige.”
I let out a hysterical burst of laughter.
“Listen to yourself, Adam. How are you going to do that? The only way you can kill Kyle is to kill yourself!” I slump back down on the bed.
“No, it’s not.”
The words ring out so determined and so clear that my head jerks up in surprise. I have never heard Adam sound so sure of
himself. I realise that he is dripping blood on the carpet; his hand is bleeding from the impact of the mirror. He is standing so upright, his hands balled into fists at his sides. He looks angry and determined and beautiful.
“I will protect you from him, Paige. It’s my duty to protect you from him and I will not shy away from that.” His chest is heaving with emotion and I stand and take a few uncertain steps toward him, unsure of his response.
I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders as his arms come around me. His body stiffens for just a moment so I expect the change, and then a low chuckle emanates from deep in his chest.
“Always knew he’d man up in the end,” Kyle murmurs into my hair. “I’ll tell you what you need to know,” he adds, kissing the top of my head, and then, before I can even answer, I am standing once again in the warmth of my Adam’s embrace.
Three days later we fly back to Manhattan. I have prepped Carl Sheldon and he is ready for our next session which, if all goes well, should result in the successful integration of Kyle. I have not been so apprehensive since this whole process began.
Carl still cannot believe that Kyle has offered himself up so willingly for integration and he says as much.
“It was Paige,” Adam explains, unable to meet my eye as he says it. “Paige got through to him.” I frown, wondering if that is really what he believes.
“That’s not true,” I interrupt, and both men turn to stare at me questioningly. I look from Carl to Adam, a smile playing about my lips. “It wasn’t me,” I continue, shaking my head.
“It was you.” I turn to face him and I feel my face flush with pride. “Don’t you see, Adam? You finally proved that you don’t need him to defend you. You showed him that you can take care of your own all by yourself.” I am beaming now. I am so proud of Adam, of his strength and his goodness.
“It was all you, babe,” I iterate, coaxing a shy smile out of him.
There is a moment of silence and then Carl breaks it, “Let’s get on with it shall we?” he asks and I nod encouragingly.
While Carl is putting Adam under hypnosis and I have a few moments to myself, I allow myself to feel things that I know I should not be feeling, things that I have been trying to deny that I feel, even to myself. A part of me feels infinitely sad that Kyle will cease to exist from this day forward. He was annoying and loud and very conceited, but there was something about him that got under my skin. Perhaps it is because, despite all that I now know, a part of me still believes that Kyle is a part of Adam, a part that I am losing forever. I feel like I am attending another funeral and I am barely keeping things together after my father’s. To attend another so soon is heartbreaking, even if it is for a greater good.
All too soon Adam is under and Carl calls on Kyle to come forward. This is the first time that the doctor has kept Adam so actively present and I am fascinated by the process. Doctor Sheldon asks Kyle to introduce himself to Adam, which he does, and I feel a small pull in the pit of my stomach as I hear that husky drawl.
“Kyle, can you explain to Adam what happened the day you first remember emerging to protect him.”
There is a silence so absolute that you could hear a pin drop and I hold my breath. Then Kyle begins to speak, in that casual way of his, and I find that I am riveted. I lean forward in my chair and even Carl looks unusually animated.
“It was at the orphanage,” Kyle begins. Nobody says a word; there is a moment’s silence. The tension is so thick you could cut it with a knife and then the words pour out of him, as though he cannot bear to hold them in a second longer.
“I was eight and there was a group of older boys, about six of them. They never left me alone. Wherever I went they appeared; teasing me, pushing me, calling me disgusting names that I knew were wrong, names I could never repeat. They said I was a freak, that there was something wrong with me; that it was no wonder my parents had abandoned me; that I was a runt and they probably threw me out with the trash. It went on for months. The nuns never knew, or if they did they never said anything. The abuse was constant and, because I spent so much time alone, they had plenty of opportunity.” Kyle clears his throat audibly and I am so tense I jump.
“I think it was the fact that I wouldn’t react,” he continues, “I didn’t ri
se and I didn’t defend myself. It infuriated them, put them on a slow boil. By the time the abuse turned physical they had been building up momentum for months and it all culminated in one final, awful act. I was in the gardens behind a copse of trees reading Doctor Seuss or some other God-awful drivel. They found me and had me surrounded before I even knew they were there.” Kyle, although I think it is Adam’s response, groans softly and moves around on the couch; he seems ill at ease.
“What did they do, Kyle?” Doctor Sheldon prompts, although it seems like a silly question to me; it seems fairly obvious what they did.
“Nothing.” Kyle’s response is nowhere near what I expect. “They started teasing me and calling me names, nothing out of the ordinary. When they started throwing stones I started to panic and tried to get away but they pushed me around, forming a circle and not allowing me to escape. I thought I would black out; the claustrophobic, pressing circle seemed to get smaller and smaller and smaller. Just when I thought they would overwhelm me,
he
spoke. Bradley, their 'leader'. He called them off and just like that they were gone.”
I heave a sigh of relief and slump back in my chair. So the bullying had never resulted in Adam being beaten. I had been so sure that it would,
giving rise to the creation of Kyle, the protector.
Even Carl seems stunned by the sudden anti-climatic turn of events. I raise my eyebrows at him questioningly and he opens his arms, palms up, indicating that he is as confused as I am. He turns back to Kyle and is about to ask him a question when Kyle continues, speaking as though there had been no pause.
“Bradley cornered me in the boy’s bathroom that evening. He was friendly, which was completely unnerving, asking me how I was feeling and apologising for his friends' behaviour. He got closer and closer to me and he just kept coming until I could not back away any more. The cold, hard wall against my back, I begged him to leave me alone. He was 15 and he seemed to tower over me. He told me to take my pants down; he said it so calmly, I remember that clearly. He said it was the least I could do to thank him for saving me. I was pleading and he was yelling and one thing led to another.” There is absolute silence in the room. I am barely breathing I am so horrified. Kyle takes a deep breath and when he resumes speaking I can hear the change immediately.
“I remember,” Adam
says, and my heart constricts. I am not sure what this means and I look to Carl for information.
“Adam?” he asks and Adam nods his head.
“I blacked out,” he repeats. “When I came to, Bradley was lying on the floor; there was blood everywhere. I was holding a copper pipe.” He sounds disgusted. “It was Kyle,” he admits, and I breathe slowly in through my nose and out through my mouth. There it is. The trauma that caused Kyle to surface.
“He didn’t die,” Adam speaks again and I feel my body go weak with relief as he continues. “Bradley survived and he never told anyone who had done it that’s why I wasn’t sent to
Juvey. That’s why the nuns never knew that I was involved. Bradley’s humiliation at being beaten by an eight year old obviously kept him quiet. None of them ever messed with me again, or if they did, I don’t remember it, although Kyle might. He fought those battles for me. Either way, the orphanage wasn’t half as frightening a place to be after that day.” He is silent for a moment and then he laughs without a trace of humour, “Although it was pretty lonely. Nobody wants to be friends with the freaky kid.”
I sympathise for only a moment. I am too caught up in the revelation of what has just happened. I realise that Adam can now successfully integrate Kyle and, even as Doctor Sheldon starts to speak, I cut across him, interrupting, and not caring that I am under strict orders never to do so.
“Adam!” I cry out and his head turns toward me.
“Yes?” he asks, sounding very unsure of himself. My heart is breaking for him and how difficult this journey of discovery must be, but I cannot allow this to happen without saying what I need to.
“I need to speak to Kyle.”
“Why?” Adam asks tremulously.
“I can’t tell you that. But I need to speak to him, please. Alone,” I add, as though I'm not already asking too much. I glance across at Carl who is looking thunderous, but he does not say anything or prohibit me from continuing. Adam sighs sadly.
“All right, Paige,” he mutters and, while I watch, I see the slight twitch.
‘Kyle?” I ask, laying a hand on his shoulder.
“Yes, sweet cheeks?” he drawls, grinning.
“Thank you,” I say, trying to convey the depth of my gratitude in those two little words.
“Don’t sweat it. So long as he doesn’t turn back into a spineless wimp I’ll die happy.” He licks his lips and I realise he is not half as blasé as he is pretending to be. I cast another glance at Carl and he deliberately stands and walks a few steps away, clearing his throat and feigning interest in a stack of papers on his desk.
“For what it’s worth,” I lift my hand and push th
e damp curls off his forehead. “I'm truly sorry that you have to go for him to be well again.”
“But you want him whole again?”
I know what he is asking and I also know that he already knows the answer to his own question.
“Yes, Kyle,” I admit sadly, “I want him whole again.
More than anything.”
“Well, just remind him, from me, that if he ever acts like a pussy again I’ll be coming back,” he smiles sadly and I choke back a sob. Leaning forward I focus only on Kyle, forcing Adam and the doc from my mind. I lower my face a
nd I kiss Kyle’s mouth softly. Moving across to his ear I brush his hair aside and whisper again, “Thank you.”