Rain 01 When It Rains (21 page)

I do love Beau . . . he’s not just my past, I want him to be in my present and my future. But not in the same way he envisioned us.

I
WALK
TO
WORK
, letting the fresh air help clear my mind. The colorful leaves rustle in the trees as a strong wind blows through.
The town is eerily quiet this early in the morning, aside from an occasional car or truck passing by. It’s not quite like a relaxing spot on the beach, but it’s the perfect way for me to work through the maze in my head.

When I woke up this morning, the realization that I didn’t do anything wrong yesterday hit me. I’d feel better if I knew what Beau was doing right now and if he’s okay. It was going to happen sometime, but I hate how it ripped him apart. Just picturing the look on his face when he walked away from me is enough to make me sick to my stomach.

I keep telling myself that it’s for the best.

He’ll be able to move on now.

One day, I hope that Beau can accept my choice, and we can go back to the way we used to be before feelings were hurt and things got complicated. I love Beau. I really do, but love is a confusing thing and sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference between loving someone and being in love. Someone who’s lived for sixty years and loved many times probably couldn’t even explain it with precision. How do they expect a nineteen year old to figure it out? Instead, I’m relying on the voices in my head, which have pointed me to Asher over and over again. He makes me want things I never wanted before, and I can’t ignore that.

I make it to the diner just in time, hurriedly tying my apron and clocking in. It’s quieter than normal because the farmers are in mid-harvest, so they’re in and out of here before the sun even comes up. I actually find myself missing the familiar chatter and laughter.

“Hey, Kate,” Diana yells from behind me.

“Hey. Busy this morning?” I start prep for a fresh pot of coffee and make sure the water pitchers are full.

“It wasn’t too bad. I can’t wait until these farmers get out of the field, though. I’m not an early morning person, and trying to hold a conversation before the sun rises is not making me a happy camper.” She sighs, reaching over my shoulder for a coffee cup. “How’ve you been?”

I shrug. “Things are going okay.” Things would be great if I could hear Beau’s voice right now and know that he’s going to be okay. Thoughts of Asher also play in my head. What is he thinking after everything that happened when he dropped me off? He’s probably confused. As soon as I can, I’m going to clear everything up.

“Your mom said it looked like you had a little spat with Beau. Do you want to talk about it?”

I roll my eyes and spin to face her. “Is there any gossip you two don’t share?”

“I’m afraid not,” she says, placing a hand on my shoulder. “Let me tell you, though, every woman from thirteen to one-hundred drools over that boy. Be happy that you’re the one he chose to fight with.” She leaves me standing there, completely stunned. I appreciate Beau, and respect him for the person he is. That’s the reason I need to do everything I can to make things right with him, or I’ll regret it.

When I push open the metal door that separates the kitchen from the dining room, Asher is sitting in a booth in my section staring out the window. He comes in a lot when I’m working, but it’s usually just for lunch. This is the first time he’s actually made it here for breakfast.

I texted him last night and told him I wasn’t feeling well. Physically I was fine, but emotionally I was a wreck. Looking at him now, I know without a doubt that my heart pulled me in the right direction. There’s something about him that makes it impossible for me to stay away.

When I’m just a few feet away, he notices me. I expect to see a grin spread across his face, but instead he draws his brows in as he runs his hand through his hair. I glance around and quickly realize the frown on his face is, in fact, directed at me.

“You’re here early this morning,” I say, running my sweaty palms across my apron.

“I wanted to make sure you were okay. What happened to you last night?” His voice is flat, making it impossible for me to read him.

I can’t look at him in the eye and tell a half truth. Asher makes me want to have a real life, but I feel guilty about everything because Beau means so much to me. I can’t say I’m stuck between the two because my heart tells me over and over again that it’s Asher I want. But a person can’t have that much history with someone like Beau, and not carry them around with them.

I nervously take the seat across from him, clasping my hands on the table. “I needed some time to sort things out.”

“I know,” he says, leaning across the table. His eyes lower to the napkin he’s been ripping into tiny little pieces.

“Then why did you ask?”

“To see if you would tell me the truth,” he says, bringing his eyes back to mine. He looks like he didn’t sleep much last night, and it weighs heavy on my heart to think that I also caused Asher pain in some way. Causing unnecessary pain is one thing I’ve become really good at recently.

“It didn’t have anything to do with you. I was emotionally drained, and I needed some time to work through everything that was going on in my head. Beau has been my friend for a long time, and I hurt him.”

“Just give him some time. He’ll come around.”

“I hope so.” I want to be optimistic, but I need a sign of something better to come before I can move forward. I get glimpses of it, but then it always seems to fade away.

“He loves you, you know,” Asher blurts, glaring out the window. It’s early and the streets are almost vacant aside from a few cars parked in front of the diner.

“How do you know that?” I ask, curious how he was able to pick that up after meeting Beau for all of five minutes.

“There’s a certain way a guy looks at the girl who he can’t live without,” he says, still not turning his head to look at me.

“And how is that?” I swallow hard. I have no idea where this is going.

His eyes snap to mine, making it impossible for me to move. “Like she’s everything he’ll ever need.”

I couldn’t form a word right now if someone sounded the whole thing out for me. Warmth is coursing through my veins like a runaway train as we stare at each other. I wonder if he’s feeling it . . . he obviously has felt it at some point in his life or he wouldn’t be able to put it into those words.

“And how did you get so wise?” I ask, trying to slow down my heartbeat.

“Living this life does that to you,” he says, glancing out the window again before focusing back on me.
“Do you love him?”

“Not in the same way he loves me,” I say, nervously fidgeting with my fingers.
“Look, I don’t know what you think happened yesterday, but right now you’re the one I want to spend my time with. I haven’t felt this way in a long time.” I want to reach across the table and wrap his hand in mine, but I’m hesitant because I have no idea what’s going through his head right now. It scares me.

“What do you mean?” His question is eager and hopeful.

“I’m happy,” I say simply.

“And I hope that you stay that way,” he says softly, reaching for my hand. That’s the thing about him . . . he’s not afraid to do the things that scare me.

“With you, I finally feel like that’s possible.” I don’t miss the downward cast of his eyes or his hand tightening over mine. Maybe I’m moving too fast or revealing too much.

“Hey, Kate, table four is ready to order,” Diana yells, walking past our table with a tray full of plates.

I try to pull my hand from Asher’s, but he’s got a good grip. “I should probably get back to work.”

“I need to head into the city today. I won’t be back until later.”

“What’s in the city?” I ask.

“Just some things I have to take care of,” he replies, rubbing his thumb across the back of my hand before finally releasing me. I felt so sure about where our relationship was going yesterday, but uncertainty is all that hangs between us right now. It seems like he’s pulling away from me.

“So will I see you soon?” I ask, shoving my hands in the pockets on the front of my apron.

“I hope so,” he answers, tilting his head to one side. “By the way, can I get a stack of these napkins?” He grabs the napkin he mutilated off the table and hands it to me. I have this weird feeling in my stomach that I may not see him again, and it’s eating me up.

“Is something else bothering you?”

“Nothing you need to worry about right now,” he replies, resting his palm against my cheek. I want him to open up to me. I want him to need me the way I need him.

I draw in a deep breath and wrap my fingers around his wrist to pull his hand from my cheek, “Asher-“

“Not now,” he says, leaning in closer to me. His expression is more relaxed, but uneasiness still rips through me like a tidal wave. I would give anything to know what’s going through Asher’s head right now. What if I blew my chance to be with him too? Maybe he’s decided that I’m not worth the trouble. I close my eyes and say a silent prayer that it’s the latter.

I hear someone clear their throat beside me and turn to see my mom standing at my side, nodding toward my waiting table. “Kate.”

“I’m going,” I snap, standing in front of her. “Can you get Asher some napkins, please?” Asher’s hand brushes the back of mine as I walk past him, sending a warm jolt up my arm. I look back to see his cheeks dimple, a sign that maybe everything will be all right. I need more than a sign right now, though. I need a promise because once I give my heart to someone; I don’t ever want it back.

I toss the torn napkin in the garbage and quickly walk over to my table.

When I leave work, I’m still upset about the way Asher was acting when he came in earlier. Is he concerned about my relationship with Beau? Did I do something else to irritate him? I just wish I knew because I hate this living in limbo thing.

As I get closer to my car, I see something white under my windshield wiper. People are always leaving notes about babysitting and lawn services on my car. It annoys me because they end up sitting on the floorboard until it’s time for my semi-annual cleaning. When I pull the wiper up and grab the paper between my fingers, I realize it’s a napkin with Asher’s handwriting in the center.