“I know what I’m asking for, even though I know I'll most likely only be a moment of convenience for you. I want you.”
I lean over her sexy, curvaceous body, trapping her head in my hands, making sure her full attention is on me. I sternly voice my displeasure. “Babe, my
hand
is a moment of convenience. You are anything but.”
“It’s okay,” she softly replies. “I have no illusions as to what this will be, Quinn. I’m not fooling myself.”
I narrow my eyes, taking serious pause with her statement. I suppose I deserve that jab. I've told her several times since meeting her that I don’t do relationships. “I guess I’ll just have to prove you wrong then.”
She threads her fingers through my hair and tugs my lips down to hers, and fuck me, I can’t think straight.
She whimpers against my lips, “Please, don't make me wait any longer.” I suck in her tongue and nudge her legs open with my knee, settling myself between her thighs. I’ve never wanted to be inside a woman more than I do this one, and
I had already made my decision earlier; I don’t care if she’s pregnant. I’d make them both mine, but it’s only fair I know on the front end what her story is.
Before carefully thinking my words through, I ask, “How pregnant are you?” My voice never sounding more serious, because even though I want her, I’ve been struggling over the fact she would be willing to have her way with me while she’s carrying another man’s child.
Her eyes bolt open wide with shock. “What?! Are you serious? Is this some kind of sick joke?” she croaks out in disbelief. “Number one, if I were pregnant, I wouldn’t be out here hiking on these trails all alone. Number two, I sure as hell wouldn’t be willing to tango with you if I was. That’s just…just sick!”
As if she’s claustrophobic, she pushes against my chest to get away, and I can tell by the change in her breathing she is on the verge of some crazy mental breakdown that I don’t understand. I quickly backpedal, rephrasing my question.
“No, that came out all wrong,” I quickly explain. “I meant to ask, ‘What's the probability of me getting you pregnant’?”
“I told you I was on the pill, Quinn,” she bites out defensively. She takes a huge heaving breath of air, trying to calm herself down. She tries to push me off her again, so I give in to her needs, giving her the breathing room, but I’m not willing to get off of her. She's not going to shut me out.
I rest my elbows on either side of her head, lifting my chest off hers. “I’m so sorry, Lexi. I got my words all mixed up.”
“Mother-effer,” she breathes out as her hand covers her heart, “I was seeing double vision there for a minute.”
She’s trying to calm down, and now I’m the one who's fighting to maintain a steady breathing pattern. I’m growing angry, downright pissed off, actually.
She's supposed to be fucking pregnant, and now
I'm left contemplating if she recently had an abortion.
My teeth grind, the muscles in my jaw flexing at the thought, and I can’t help but dig deeper. I have to know, because without a doubt, this will change the game. “Have you ever been pregnant?” I try to ask calmly, but my question comes out crass.
It's very evident by me asking her this question I've shocked her all over again. Her eyes narrow, affronted I would even ask such a thing. Regardless, she’s quick to answer. “I can’t get pregnant,” she grits out in a hard voice, and then her eyes turn glassy. She turns her head away to avoid my gaze as she hoarsely whispers, “So even if I wasn’t taking the pill, the doctors tell me I could never conceive anyway.”
“What?” I whisper in a surprised tone. Confusion consumes me.
She turns her head back to me, and all I see is sadness and pain. The tears in her eyes are getting ready to spill over, and my gut clenches. My words have stung her, and
it's obvious I've hit a very sensitive nerve.
She blows out a long, shaky breath, willing herself to calm down.
“I’m told I will never be able have kids.” Her tragic words are spoken so low I almost didn’t hear her. “I have
PCOS
.”
I blink my eyes several times in bewilderment. “I don't understand.”
“It’s polycystic ovarian syndrome.
It's a hormone disorder. The doctors discovered it in my early teens.” She pauses to wipe away her tears, her voice shaky. “When I was about ten, I was developing too fast for my age and had been getting my period much earlier than I should have. The hormone fluctuations are a real struggle. They always have been, hence the birth control pill. It helps to regulate my hormones. Because of all this, I’ve always had a hard time trying to control my weight. The sad thing is when I meet somebody I like, they don't want me when they find out.”
“What the fuck?”
I'm flabbergasted, to say the very least. Somebody is playing me in the worst possible way, and I don't know why. Why would her father lie to me? Maybe to keep me out of her pants, because she's his little girl? Hell, she’s twenty-seven. I don’t know what to say other than, “I’m so sorry.”
She shakes her head in dismissal of my apology and looks off into the woods. “It's not your fault. Having children and a family is something I've always wanted, and I’ll never be able to have it. I wanted to be able to have them when the time was right, you know? A loving husband and a house full of kids.”
She pauses to close her eyes, letting a tear spill over her cheek. Her breath hitches, and then she hoarsely adds,
“I suppose you probably don't want me now. Maybe you think I'm damaged goods.” She waves me off with her hand. “Well, given your history of one-night stands and all, that's all I would’ve been to you anyway.”
“Now wait a minute,” I interject, pissed off as hell she’s been seeing me this way the entire time we’ve been together. She won’t look at me, so I rest my weight back on her so I can cradle her cheeks, forcing her to meet my gaze. “Your statement is true about the one-night stands, but a fling is not what I had in mind for us.” I search her hurt eyes, and the pain I see in them guts me. “As far as the damaged goods go, I don’t ever want to hear that bullshit come out of your mouth again.
You’re beautiful, and any man would be lucky to have you.”
“Yeah, any man but you,” she softly scoffs. “The only reason this wouldn’t be a one-night stand is I’m all you have out here; it's slim pickings. This would be a romp in the forest for as many nights as we’d be together, and then when the fun is over, we’d be going our separate ways.”
A low, deep rumble of anger bubbles up from the depths of my lungs, spilling over in protest. Granted, her cynicism should hardly come as a surprise to me. I’ve earned the title of playboy, but I’ve never led anyone on to think otherwise.
“Don’t you dare cheapen my words because you have some low self-esteem issue,” I grind out. “I am hell bent on making you mine.”
Her brows come together with skepticism and confusion, but I plan on putting her doubts to rest.
“I’m sorry,” she chokes out. “I should have never—”
I shush her by placing my fingertips over her lips. “Hey, hey, none of that.” With the passionate moment gone, I lie down beside her and pull her into my arms. I have a million questions rolling through my head right now.
I hold her tightly, feeling her shoulders jerk every now and then in between her silent crying as she gasps for a quick intake of air. I cradle her head close to my chest, providing her comfort the only way I know how. I gently brush her damp hair away from her neck and then rub her back in small, soothing circles. “Shh, Angel, it’ll be all right. I promise.”
The more I think about the lie of her not being pregnant, the more irate I become. I have to work at keeping my tense body relaxed for her sake. After she settles down,
I pull back and lift her chin. She looks at me through her long, wet lashes, looking so vulnerable it twists my insides. I take her mouth in a soft, yet
heated
kiss, giving her every bit of tender love I have. She relaxes into me, the tension leaving her body as her desire begins to topple over her doubts of me not wanting her.
This girl is most likely my Achilles’ heel. She's somehow made her way into my heart in this short amount of time. A deep, meaningful relationship is the only thing lacking from my life, and I can’t deny what’s in front of me any longer.
I break the kiss,
looking deep into her eyes, whispering,
“Somehow you’ve become more precious to me than the rest of the women I’ve ever been with.” Maybe it’s because I’ve been trapped on a trail with her, and it has forced me to actually get to know someone on a deeper level. There was no using them and then promptly throwing them away the next day, but I think it’s more than that.
I take a deep breath, needing to calm my racing heart from what I’m about to do. “You want to know how much I want you…want there to be an us?” I watch as she swallows against the lump in her throat, suddenly nervous. “I want you beyond the physical, Lexi.”
I reach over her and grab my camo pants, bringing it to rest between us. I open the Velcro pocket along the length of one of the legs, and pull out the angel necklace my mother had given me in her last days. “This was my mother's, Lexi. I never go anywhere without this, and now you won’t either.”
“I can’t…I can’t accept this.”
“I want you to have it.” Well, damn, maybe I’m being a bit presumptuous here. “Unless, of course, you’re not feeling the same things as me,” I add, a little on edge for putting myself out there. “
I haven't let anyone this far into my heart in a very, very long time, but right now, you've got my defenses down, and I'm having a hell of a time resisting you.”
“Wow,” she breathes out disbelievingly. “That’s a lot to digest. I don’t know what to say.”
“Just tell me how you feel.” God, I hate this
feeling of doubt, always wondering if she's at the same level of commitment I am.
I close my eyes, chest constricting, and I begin to second guess myself.
She gently places her palm over my scruffy jaw, and I open my eyes to her. “I meant I don’t know what to say, because I thought I was the only one who was having these strong feelings inside. It’s a lot to digest, because…well...you’re so amazingly handsome, and I’m…” She hesitates and shakes her head as if she shouldn’t say what’s next.
“You’re what?” I prod.
She lets out a long, defeated sigh before she answers. “I’m not model material. I’m big boned.”
“So?” I ask, unclear as to where she’s going with this.
“I don’t feel as if I’m pretty or sexy enough for you, okay?” she huffs out. “You look like you should be on the cover of a men’s magazine while a serious piece of arm candy hangs at your side. I’ll never be able to compete, or be one of those women, and it will—”
I interrupt, shutting her down right away. “I don’t understand how you can say those things.
If I didn’t want you, then explain to me where my raging boner came from only a few minutes ago.
” She goes quiet and has no response, so I continue,
“You don’t understand, Lexi. I’ve
had
those women, and not one of them have been able to cross over the barriers I'd constructed around my heart.”
“How are you so sure of yourself, of this, of me…?” She shakes the idea from her head, still not willing to believe me.
“I don’t think you’re grasping what it is I’m trying to tell you here. I’ve got real feelings for you. I’m not bullshitting you when I say I had closed the door on relationships a long time ago. The entire reason I swore off women to begin with was I had gotten my first love pregnant. I was fucking elated I was going to have a family.” I pause, taking a deep breath, not believing I'm about to share this story.
“You see, at the time, I was overseas in the military when I found out the good news. God, I couldn’t wait to go on leave and get home, but I knew something was off when I didn’t get any letters from her for months on end, and I tried calling her several times when I had the chance, but I could never get a hold of her.”
“It's okay,” Lexi tries to assure me. “You don't have to tell me.”
“Yeah, I do. It's why I needed to know if you were ever pregnant. I needed to know that about you.”
“What happened?”
“Well, when I finally got my leave and came home, obviously I couldn’t wait to see her. I had plans to ask her to marry me as soon as I could get to the first jewelry store. After a long ass flight and having to go through processing before I could get home, it was late. She was supposed to be living in my apartment with me, but when I got home, all her shit was gone. I didn't know what to think, but obviously, something was terribly wrong. She knew I was coming home; my mother told me she let her know.”
I stare off into the woods for a minute, clenching my jaw. Lexi stays quiet, allowing me the time I need to recompose myself. “She came knocking on my door later that night, and when I opened the door, the look in her eyes told me we were over. Not only that, her stomach should’ve looked like she’d swallowed a watermelon, but her belly was flat, simply flat.”
“Oh, Quinn, I'm so sorry,” she croaks, and now it's my turn to have glassy eyes.
“I can't believe how much it still affects me...her taking the choice from me, taking my baby’s life. That was
my
child, Lexi. I thought maybe she had either played a sick joke on me, or had a miscarriage, but never did it cross my mind that she had decided to terminate her pregnancy. I can’t remember ever feeling more livid than I was in that moment in time. I was fucked up over that shit for years on end, and clearly, I still am. I wasn’t even part of the equation, nor was I ever going to be. I had zero say, and the abortion had already been done.”
“Why? Why did she do it?” Lexi softly asks, running her hand over my chest.
Looking down at Lexi, my lips turn down into a frown. “She said she was too young for a child. She still had things she wanted to do and wasn't ready to settle down. Such a poor excuse. Her act of selfishness and secrecy, from then on, made me not trust women in any shape or form.”