Authors: Kate Long
‘It’s a good question,’ I said.
*
Kim [To camera] –
I think, in the end, I got on very well with Manny. Emmanuel! He’s definitely a bit – not arrogant – confident, say, very
confident. Not that that’s necessarily a bad thing; I wish Lee would have more confidence in himself. But Manny seems to – know a lot about the world. I thought it was bullshit at
first ’cause he was playing me this weird French music and showing me this modern art that I frankly can’t be doing with, our dog could do better and I said so. I said it was a load
of old tat. And I thought he’d be cross that I was, you know, dismissing him, but he laughed and said I was an iconoclast. Which means I like breaking rules. Which is about right,
I’d say.
Kim
– So did you and Juno meet at university?
Manny
– That’s right. Top you up again?
Kim
– Cheers. I could get used to wine every night. And you’ve been married—?
Manny
– Forever! No, it’ll be, how old’s . . . fifteen years. We married straight out of university.
Kim
– Yeah?
Manny
– It was – ha ha – a decision that kind of got made for us.
Kim
– How do you mean? Oh! I get you!
Manny
– Of course, we were delighted, once it had sunk in.
Kim [To camera] –
Not so clever after all, then, when it comes down to it.
*
The doctors felt Juno’s mother was stable enough, so there were seven of us gathered round the TV to watch
Queen Mum
. I’d left it taping at home, too.
‘I wish I’d had time to prepare something proper to eat,’ Juno said, carrying in another bean-bag for Ben. ‘It would have been lovely to have had another
party.’
‘You mean we’re not enough for you?’ said Tom drily.
Juno was going back out of the door and didn’t hear.
‘Stop it,’ I hissed. ‘She’s wound up enough already.’
‘Is she?’
‘God, yes. Can’t you tell?’
Tom shrugged.
‘Come on, girls and boy!’ Manny shouted up the stairs. ‘It’s time! Assume your positions!’
The kids thundered down and settled themselves on the floor, Soph with her bare feet dangerously near Ben’s legs. I noticed Ben glance at her and shift closer to Pascale on his other side.
Manny and Juno took the big chairs and Tom and I had the sofa. Juno sat bolt upright on the edge of the seat.
‘Oh my God,’ she breathed as the title sequence came on.
The girls squealed. Manny leaned forward and peered at the screen.
‘Oh, look! It’s our house!’ cried Pascale. And it was. There was our street on the screen.
‘It’s funny how seeing something on television almost
validates
its existence,’ said Manny.
‘Shut up, Dad,’ said Sophie. ‘Watch!’
*
Lee
– Kim’s my soul-mate.
Kim
– Ooh, get him!
Lee
– No, she is, I don’t care how daft I sound. I love her to pieces. She’s the only woman in the world for me.
Kim
– Aah, that’s nice. So, can I have another baby?
Lee
– No. Have you found owt?
Kim
– Nope. All clear. You can put your shirt back on, now.
Interviewer
– What were you doing?
Lee
– Oh, I have her check my back every couple of months for dodgy moles. ’Cause, you know, I spend a lot of time out in the sun.
Kim
– He worries about skin cancer, don’t you? Soft a’porth.
Lee
– Not so soft. Sensible, more like. Them UV rays can be deadly.
Kim
– He’s always dying of summat. His health’s the only thing he ever gets really worked up about.
*
‘It’s our kitchen, Mum!’
‘Oh yes . . . Do you know, I’m so glad we went for the blue glazed tiles in the end—’
‘Shhh!’
*
Kim [To camera] –
Bloody hell, have you seen these? I presume this is coffee – “café” – and this’ll be tea, thé; sugar,
sucre. But what’s “farine”, when it’s at home? Hang on. Oh, it’s flour! God. I dropped French after the third year. And this’ll be . . . what’s
“poivre”? Peppercorns. Why can’t it just say so? I can’t be doing with this. I’m going to have to stick bloody Post-it notes on everything. If I’d wanted
foreign, I could have gone on
A Place in the Sun
.
Now, what’s in here, no label . . . more sugar, it looks like – Jesus, what’s that? There’s all black things in there, eugh, God! They look
like a load of little beetles. Can you see? What is it? Eeew, best get that lid on quick before they make a break for it! I dunno. Gave me a real fright. Cause it’s not what you expect,
is it, house like this? And it’s not like she goes out to work, or anything.
*
‘It was lavender sugar!’ cried Juno in anguish. ‘I made it last summer. From a recipe in
Country Living
. Oh, God, do you think the viewers’ll have
understood?’
‘Bound to,’ said Manny. ‘Don’t worry. You’re on again.’
*
Juno
– There you go, you big slavering thing . . . Are these yours? Vita-Dog Crunchies? Okey-dokey; now, how many do you have? Do I fill your bowl right up? Nobody
else in the house, so I can’t ask anyone. I’ll try half-filling it to begin with – Oh! Marmite! Get off! Get your nose – Hell, now look what you’ve made me do.
God, nearly an entire box and they’re all over the floor . . .
Right; I’ve shut him in the living room with his bowl so I could tidy up in here. There’s all this biscuit-dust on the lino, and I didn’t want to
risk getting down on my hands and knees with that sex-mad beast about . . . They would be circular biscuits too; looks like they’ve rolled everywhere. I’ll need to get –
actually, I can see a load under the fridge. Just a sec, this won’t do; it needs to come out. I’ll have to pull it out. Can anyone give me a hand?
Oh my goodness, can you see that? Gosh. That’s quite . . . I’m going to need some rubber gloves, I think.
I suppose with Kim working, she doesn’t have the time to get right down – This is going to need a whole bottle of bleach, I reckon.
*
Across the room I saw Juno smiling.
‘What a mess,’ I said.
‘You’ve never seen such cobwebs, honestly. They were so thick that there was an actual chip caught in one. An old, dried-up chip. Did you see it?’
‘Yeah, but who really cleans behind their fridge?’ said Tom. ‘Ally doesn’t.’
‘Thanks,’ I said.
‘It’s true. That time the Beko broke down and we had to replace it, we found a mummified mouse under there.’
Manny laughed but Juno wasn’t listening. I thought, I’ll never have sex with you again for that, Tom Weaver.
‘Look, this is the scene where I had to go to Kim’s office,’ said Juno. I turned in surprise. ‘I didn’t know you went to her workplace. You never mentioned
it.’
‘Didn’t I?’ Juno was transfixed by the screen. ‘Probably because it wasn’t that interesting. Bloody boring, to tell you the truth.’
*
Juno [To camera] –
Juno Kingston, reporting for duty at Leavis Timber Merchants and Fixing Supplies Ltd. It looks quite a busy place. You can really smell the
sawdust, too. No other women anywhere. Not that I can see, anyway. Oh well, in we go.
Juno
– Hello!
Manager
– Hello, Mrs Kingston. Nice to have you on board.
Great. I’ll just have to remember not to call you Kim, though, eh? Very good. So, if I can hand you over to our foreman, Mr Denman . . .
Mr Denman
– All right? There you go, through here. Come with me, love, and we’ll soon get your nose to the grindstone. So, you’re on
Queen Mum
?
That must be a laugh.
Juno
– Oh yes, very much.
Mr Denman
– And our Kim’s in your house? That must feel a bit weird.
Juno
– I haven’t had much time to think about it; you know, what with fitting in myself and seeing how everything works—
Mr Denman
– Oh aye, I bet. So, what do you do normally?
Juno
– In what sense?
Mr Denman
– Your job, love. What’s your job back at home?
Juno
– Oh, I see. I manage a household and look after my children. And I do quite a lot of charity work, I do some taxiing for Age Concern and I help out in . .
.
Mr Denman
– You don’t have an actual job, though? There’s nothing specific you do, skills-wise?
Juno
– I can turn my hand to most things. I have a first-class degree in modern history—
Mr Denman
– Can you type?
Juno
– Ahm, two-finger style . . .
Mr Denman
– Can you work the Sun system?
Juno
– The Sun what?
Mr Denman
– It’s a computer program we use.
Juno
– Oh. No.
Mr Denman
– Do you know how to fill out an invoice slip?
Juno
– If someone’ll show me—
Mr Denman
– Tell you what, you make us all a nice cup of tea, and then I’ve got some boxes of screws you can unpack. All right?
Mr Denman [Speaking into mobile phone]
– Is Karen there? Oh, grand. Karen? Yeah, it’s Geoff Denman here. Y’ all right? Great. Look, I know you’re
officially on maternity leave still, only I was wondering if you could pop back for a spell. Whether your mother could have . . . Ooh, only a fortnight. While Kim’s away. Yeah, a bit of a
mess. It’d take too long to explain here. But you’ll come in and cover for Kim, will you? OK, you check with your mum, then, and get back to me. Terrific. Cheers.
Juno
– Was it milk and two sugars? No, I remember now, it was no sugar. Not to worry, I can soon make you another. Should there be biscuits? I’ll get them
when I go back. There you go; there’s your black coffee. Are you a coffee fan? Are you? I’ll bring some Java in tomorrow for you to try.
There. Think I’ve got that right now. No sugar for Alan. I’ll write them all down tomorrow, so I don’t forget.
So. Is anyone here watching that brilliant series on medieval churches?
*
‘They were such a stuck-up bunch,’ said Juno crossly. ‘I think the manager quite liked me, though.’
‘Oh MY GOD!’ yelled Sophie. ‘They’ve kept the karaoke!’ She grabbed a cushion and hid her face in it.
Pascale sat up, staring. ‘Jesus,’ she said. ‘We look like we’re all drunk.’
‘You look wonderful,’ said Manny. ‘And you know it.’
For maybe fifteen seconds we watched the girls singing their sad, breathy duet, then Manny did a couple of lines of ‘She’ in a Charles Aznavour voice that had us all in fits. Kim sat
on the arm of the sofa and smirked. Next the camera cut to an exterior shot of the house. It was nighttime, but you could hear ‘Club Tropicana’ coming through the lighted windows. Tom
nudged me and raised his eyebrows.
‘You look like you were having more fun than me,’ said Juno.
‘I think we probably were,’ said Manny. ‘Oh, good Lord, it’s Mrs Beale! Whatever is she wearing?’
‘Have you seen her lipstick?’ said Sophie. ‘And she’s got a snood on her hair. How bizarre.’
‘I like those gloves,’ said Pascale. ‘I wonder if she’d lend them to me.’
*
Mrs Beale [To camera] –
It was Kim’s idea for fund-raising. We get the hall free anyway on Tuesday afternoons, Over-Seventies. So Kim said, Why don’t
you do a karaoke concert? I just laughed at her, because, I mean we’ve done comic poetry recitations in the past but, anyway, she said, You could do songs from the war. So I mentioned it
to Dorothy and she said, What a good idea. We could all dress up in Forties style and do songs from the shows. And that’s what we’re doing today. We’re having Lord Woolton pie
and vitality mould, raspberry snow, all sorts. The money’s going towards the new rehabilitation unit at Forest Hills. I tell you, we have had such a laugh.
That Kim’s a ray of sunshine, she really is. A bonny little ray of sunshine.
*
‘That’s not what you called her,’ said Juno to Manny.
‘Hmm?’
‘You said she was—’
‘Isn’t this your scene coming up?’ asked Tom. ‘Ally? The dead bird?’
‘Oh God,’ I said.
*
Kim [To camera]
– That sodding bloody cat! Look at it! I could kill it, I really could. I threw a watering can at it, but I missed. Just a sec—
Damn! Nearly had him then. Where’s he gone?
Right, I see him now. Wait—
Caught the little bastard! Did you see? I nearly had to stick my fingers down his throat to get the bird out. Still. Look. Eugh. Poor little thing; it’s
still alive. Do you think it’ll be all right? I hate cats, me. Because they don’t eat what they’ve killed, do they? They play with it for fun. That’s cruel, in my book.
God, you should feel my heart going. I’m going to sit down for a minute.
Yeah, it’s still breathing, can you see? Little scrap. I wonder what I should do with it now.
OK, I’m going to pop round to that woman next door because she might have an idea, d’ you reckon?
Ally
– It’s going to die, Kim.
Kim
– I can’t see any blood.
Ally
– No. It might have internal injuries, though, it might be bleeding inside. Sometimes they die of fright, too.
Kim
– Uh. Shall I put it back
outside, under a bush or summat? Let it die in peace?
Ally
– Fing’ll get it for sure. Leave it here. I’ll keep it quiet till it goes.
Kim
– You want to stroke it, don’t you? Soothe it. Or do you think that would give it more stress? Oh! Like a candle going out.
Kim [To camera]
– It’s terrible to watch something die like that. A tiny life snuffed out. I can’t stop thinking about it. It’s really upset
me.
*
‘Well!’ exclaimed Juno. ‘I call that a liberty. Throwing missiles at my cat, barging into my friend’s house with a dead animal.’