Putting Alice Back Together (26 page)

‘What?’

‘Go and check your email.’

I hadn’t turned the computer on in days and we chatted as I waited for my emails to download. There were loads to go through but I deliberately started at the end and there was one through from Bonny with an attachment.

‘Open it,’ she said. So I did and felt my stomach go tight; I felt my lips clench and the sting in my nose as Little Alice stared back at me.

Flaming hair, flaming cheeks and I was red, red, red—even my eyes were red from crying because I hated having my photo taken. I couldn’t stand it. I mean, how the hell was I supposed to love that?

‘God.’ Bonny’s voice seemed to be coming from a long way off. ‘You’ve got your work cut out.’ She laughed. ‘Pre-product Alice—I’d forgotten what an ugly little thing you were.’ Then she must have remembered that I wasn’t in the best place right now and quickly she added, ‘You know I’m joking.’

The thing was, I didn’t find it funny.

‘What are these?’ When I came off the phone, Roz held out two forms from envelopes I hadn’t even bothered to open. ‘From universities?’

‘Shred them,’ I said, but Dan took them and had a look and I cursed the night that I’d sent them off—too many lime margaritas and, fired up from Dan, I’d started to think it might be possible.

‘Close of applications next week.’

I let out a breath of relief. ‘So throw them.’

‘You can still do a late entry.’ He made light work of the forms. ‘That would give you more than three months before you sat the entrance—’

‘Dan,’ I interrupted. ‘Three months is nothing—it would take a year at least.’

‘But you already know those pieces.’ Bloody Roz interrupted me. ‘I’ve heard you.’

‘I’m nowhere near exam standard. Nowhere near. I’d have to practise every hour of every day.’ I wasn’t making excuses; it really was impossible. ‘Shred them,’ I said, and when Dan still held onto them I did it for him and fed them into the shredder.

‘Next year,’ I said.

I think I meant it.

Next year, when everything was sorted; next year,
when I was out of the mess I’d got myself into, I’d think about it.

‘I’ll do it next year.’

Fifty-Nine

From: Nicole Hunter

To: [email protected]

Subject: News

Hi Alice

I have tried to ring a few times. Hope this means you are busy and having fun. It is great to be home and I am busy catching up with everyone.

Alice, I don’t know if this will come as a surprise or a shock—I hope it will be a nice surprise!

Paul asked me to marry him. I was hoping it would happen—in fact, I was on high alert the week before as he took me to this really romantic place (a castle). Anyway, it didn’t happen then. It was when he was opening up the shop—I was yawning and he turned around and just said it. It was actually very romantic.

As you know Rita is here, and I have been offered a permanent position at the London branch, which is very exciting. We have decided to get married on New Year’s Eve—I remember you saying that your sister did—well, it makes sense—that means you guys can come out! You said you were hoping to get back
and see your mum, and Roz is always saying she wants to bring Lizzie to the UK for a holiday.

The thing is, what with the wedding so soon, I can’t afford to come back. I know I have to sort out the flat and rent, etc., and I will do that properly with you, but for now I am still on a buzz and wanted to share it with you.

I know you will be happy for me.

Nicole

She was telling me what to do—the appropriate response.

How come everyone seemed to move on with their lives, and I just stayed the same?

I hit ‘Reply’.

From: Alice ([email protected])

To: [email protected]

Subject: Re: News!

What a surprise—I knew this was coming.

Well, good luck.

Are you sure you will be happy?

He’s a barista for fuck’s sake.

You don’t even like sex.

Why is it everyone who leaves me ends up happy?

Alice

I didn’t hit ‘Send’. I’m not that unlucky. I hit ‘Cancel’.

Are you sure you want to move away from this page?

OK

I hit ‘Reply’ again.

From: Alice ([email protected])

To: [email protected]

Subject: Re: News!

Ohmygod

Fantastic!

I knew, I knew, I knew. I know you two are going to be so happy.

New Year! How romantic!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Will do my very best to be there, but am a bit broke. This has to be quick as I am on my way out.

Will email properly soon.

A xxxxxxx

PS Have you heard from Hugh? I think he is back in UK.

Okay, so now I didn’t have a flatmate.

I knew Nicole would do the right thing and chuck in a month or so’s rent but I felt the bubble of panic rising. I went to the bathroom and I looked through the cupboards—right at the back where I’d kept a few—but Hugh had been thorough in his locate and dispose mission.

I wanted a drink. I knew Roz would be here soon, but if I dashed out I could make it back. I had my jacket on, I was checking for cash in my bag, and then Roz came to the door.

I almost didn’t answer.

I just wanted her to fuck off and leave me alone.

I was sick, so sick of her asking if I was okay. Or was I feeling better yet? Fed up with her telling me it would be okay, when I still felt like
this
.

‘Where are you going?’

‘Just…’ I couldn’t think of anything to say. ‘For chocolate.’

‘I’m on a diet, remember.’ Roz rolled her eyes. ‘Lizzie’s orders. Come on,’ she said, ‘we need to talk.’

The books were wrong—the universe was not kind, it didn’t reward hard work.

I had hauled myself out of bed.

I was getting dressed by now, going into poxy work each day. I was seeing Lisa; I was staring at that shagging photo and trying to like her—did I get a reward?

Did the universe treat me gently as I struggled to recover?

No, I lost my flatmate and when I sat down with Roz I found out I had to lose my car too.

‘I need a car!’ I had nothing—nothing to show for the spending except a car that I had, despite everything, kept up the payments with. There was just a year left on the lease and then I could pay the balloon and I’d own it.

‘There’s no hope of you paying off the balloon,’ Roz said, as I sat firm.

‘How am I supposed to get to work?’

‘Public transport.’

‘What about when I go away?’

‘You can’t afford to go away.’

Roz, I realised, would make a very good tax inspector, because lovely, lovely Roz, when it came to work, when it came to figures, was just—immutable.

‘You need to ring all the credit-card companies and sort out a plan.’

‘I can’t.’

‘You can.’

God, but I needed a drink, except I didn’t have one. I did everything she said and I’m not going to say it was nice, it was awful, but I was still trying.

I really was trying.

And did I get a reward? Did anything get easier?

No, it got harder.

Every day it just got harder.

From: Nicole Hunter ([email protected])

To: [email protected]

Subject: Re re: News!

Alice

You *have* to be there.

I know you can’t afford it, but since when did that stop you? Please, please don’t think of not being there.

Paul’s brother has backed out of the coffee shop. The day before signatures, can you believe? Paul’s upset, of course, but he’s being amazing—he’s not going to give up. I’m sure it will still happen.

Nic x

PS Yes—so sweet—Hugh couldn’t stay away from Gemma. Aunty Cheryl is planning the wedding! He said you were great—so thanks for being so nice.

I felt like a plank with bits of nails being hammered in.

At some level I had known and accepted it was temporary. Even as we’d made love, even with everything he’d said, in my heart of hearts I had known that Hugh
and I weren’t
real
. That I would lose him, just as I was losing Nicole.

It hurt far more than it possibly should, though.

And just when it couldn’t get much worse, I lost my job as well.

I gathered up all my self-help books and all my New Age stuff and put everything in the recycle bin, except for Yasmin’s book which went in the shredder.

The universe sucked.

Sixty

It wasn’t
that
dramatic.

I wasn’t asked to clear out my locker and escorted out of the building.

But the meeting I had been dreading for close to two years now was called. I could feel the sweat beading on my forehead as they spoke about voluntary redundancies and packages and though they said voluntary, really, there was no guarantee, they said, that this type of package would be offered again.

I could feel Roz’s eyes on me when I came out of my one-on-one meeting. Roz’s job was okay, because she was a casual (yep, thanks a lot, universe).

‘This is good,’ she said, dragging me over to a coffee bar and going through the details of the package. ‘You can get another job.’

‘Doing what?’ Okay, I hated my job but I’d been there years, it was my place, it was what I did, where I went. I couldn’t stand the thought of applications and interviews and meeting new people.

‘You can pay off some of your cards.’ She squeezed my arm. ‘Alice, you can pay off most of your debts.’

‘And keep my car?’

Roz closed her eyes and for a horrible second I thought she was going to get cross, but she didn’t. ‘Maybe. But…’ She didn’t finish. I took a sip of coffee and lost the roof of my mouth it was so hot. ‘This is the best thing that could happen,’ she said firmly. ‘You’ll get another job—you can start over again.’

Bonny agreed.

Lex was away and I ended up there for dinner. She drank wine, and I did too, I mean I
had
lost my job.

And I wasn’t an alcoholic. I hadn’t had a drink for ages and Lisa said it wasn’t for her to say that—only I could decide. Though she was happy to add that I had an unhealthy relationship with alcohol.

So would she tonight.

I had just lost my bloody job—I was surely entitled.

Well, Bonny got the kids to bed and we sat on the sofa and it was so nice to relax.

‘Lex will put in a word for you,’ Bonny said, because he was high up now at the pharmaceutical company. ‘I know there aren’t loads of jobs, but they are hiring.’

‘I don’t know anything about drugs,’ I said, and then we both started laughing.

‘You won’t be doing anything like that,’ Bonny consoled. ‘He’ll find you something in Reception or something easy.’

‘I’m not thick.’ I bristled.

‘No,’ Bonny said, ‘but you need to be concentrating on you now. The last thing you need is some high-stress job.’

Which made sense.

‘Things are looking up, Alice.’ She was being so nice, except I didn’t feel much better.

‘Dan said I should think about going back to study music.’ Bonny looked at me for a long time before responding.

‘Would you get in?’

‘Probably not,’ I admitted.

‘Why would you set yourself up for a fall, Alice?’ I could see the concern in her eyes, her struggle to say the right thing. ‘Alice, you can’t support yourself
with
a job—how on earth would you manage as a student? How long’s the course?’

‘Three years.’

We chatted some more, and the more we chatted the more I realised the impossibility of it. It was a relief when she changed the subject. ‘You said Roz was thinking of moving in?’ Bonny said. ‘But I thought she was serious with Karan.’

‘She is. They just…’ I didn’t want to tell Bonny everything. ‘They’re just not ready to live together yet.’

Okay, I won’t tell Bonny, but I’ll tell you.

It’s fascinating, actually.

They have all sorts of problems that we don’t have to think about.

Gays, I mean.

Roz is fresh out of the nest, according to Karan.

And Karan is her first love.

Well, it’s complicated, because though Roz is sure that Karan is ‘the one’, and Karan is sure that Roz is ‘the one’ too, Karan has been burnt by someone just fresh out of the closet once before and she isn’t ready to take the risk yet. So while Karan waits for Roz to suddenly
realise there are thousands of women to choose from, and while Roz tries to convince her that she won’t, the answer is simple.

Roz would move in with me.

‘This is the best thing that could have happened,’ Bonny said firmly. ‘Roz is great, she’s just what you need right now, and I know it must feel awful to lose your job, but think positively: you’ll have your car; you can pay off some of your debts.’

I slept on the sofa—there’s no spare room at Bonny’s thanks to her amazing ability to reproduce—and even though it was my first drink in ages I couldn’t sleep. I lay there for ever, telling myself it would all be okay, that Lex would find some work for me, that my money would get sorted, that I got to keep my car.

I felt shocking in the morning.

I felt like I used to feel
every
morning. Bonny wasn’t looking too hot either. Somehow she got two kids off to kinder and the babies were in their pen in the corner like little monkeys at the zoo.