Pushing Limits (19 page)

“I have to go.”  I pick up my books and run out.  People flash
by as I run back to the dorm.

The sun is up, but I haven’t slept.  I’m racked with guilt.  I
spend my first few waking hours, tossing in my bed. 
It was just a kiss
. 
I try to convince myself I have done nothing wrong.  Should I tell Tommy,
or should I let it go?  It’s not like I had sex with him or
anything.  
It was only a kiss.
  Should I cancel
tonight?  Bobby’s supposed to go with us to the Hole in the Wall. 
Maybe I should stay home and steer clear of him.

I didn’t hear from Tommy last night, but he warned me that might
happen.  That doesn’t mean I miss him any less.  The inner devil
yells in my head that I sure did miss him when I had my lips on Bobby Sanchez
last night. 
Geez, shut up!

I text Tommy:

I miss you. 

Can we talk sometime today?

If I get him on the phone, I can tell him about the kiss and get it over
with.  It was no big deal.  I didn’t even kiss the prick back. 
Maybe I should stay home. 

My phone rings, and my heart leaps into my throat.  I pick it up
from the bedside table and groan at the display. 
Aunt Patty.

My chest falls.  “Hi Aunt Patty.”  My voice sounds flat. 
“How are you this morning?” 

“I’m fine.  How is everything?”

“Great.”  I try to sound a little cheerful, but I’m disappointed it
isn’t him. 

“I spoke with your mother about the billboard.  She told me that
after she wired the endowment, she spoke with Ms. Chadwick personally and told
her she would get back to her on the endowment name for the facility. 
When she called back with the name, she left a message for Ms. Chadwick. 
The building is supposed to be named after your grandmother, The Rose Griffin
Hall.  Your mother never wanted it named after her, too gauche.  I
have to call Ms. Chadwick to get the billboard changed immediately and to get
an explanation.”

“Thanks, Aunt Patty.  Did she happen to mention who took her
message?”  I’d bet money it was Lily.  Since she works in Ms.
Chadwick’s office, she could have been the one to take the call.

“She said it was a female.  She thought her name was Laura, Lindsey,
something like that.  She was light on the details.  You know your
mother.  I’m sorry if the damage has already been done.”

“Everyone is whispering about how my mother bought my way in here.” 
I hiss into the phone.  My arms flail into the air.  “One girl
actually chewed me out to my face this morning.”

“B-but that’s not true,” Aunt Patty stammers, her voice outraged. 
“You could have gotten in easily with your grades and SATs.  The only mar
on your transcript was the year after Angela died.”

“I know, but there’s this chick named Lily, and she has it out for
me.”  I sigh.  “She’s been spreading the rumors.  It’s
humiliating.  The billboard is big fucking confirmation that what she is
saying is probably true.”  I rub my forehead, sighing heavily.  “It’s
at the north end of campus so maybe everyone hasn’t seen it.” 
I could
be so lucky
.

“I’m sure they haven’t.  I mean how many people know you on
campus?  It’s a big campus, right?”  She’s trying to sound so
optimistic, but it falls flat.  We both know the rumors are flying because
people
have
seen it.

“Not big enough for me.  After all the scrutiny when Angela was
killed, I almost thought I was used to this kind of negative attention.  I
guess I was wrong.  It still sucks, and it hurts exactly the same.”

I hate everyone whispering around me, the stares…the judgments.  I
thought after Angela died, I could slink back into obscurity.  I never
wanted to go through that hell again.  The press and paparazzi were
relentless.

“It’ll be ok.  People will find another scandal to talk about soon
enough.  Listen, I made arrangements to come down next weekend.  I’ll
be there next Friday night around eight.  I’ll call you when I land, ok?”

“Ok, I’ll be waiting for your call.” 

“Great.  I’ll see you later.  Love you!”

“Love you, too,” I say.

I try calling Tommy.  Two rings.  The phone goes to voice
mail. 
He’s avoiding me?

My phone pings:

I don’t share.

I open the attachment to the text, and it’s a video of Bobby kissing
me.  The problem is it cuts off early before the point where I slap the
shit out of him.  The original sender is “Anonymous.”  I drop to my
knees starring at my phone, and I let the sobs come.

I text Sally:

Please come home now.  I need you.  Please.

My phone pings:

I’ll be there in 10.

I stare at my phone, willing it to change, for his words to disappear,
for others to appear.  The words lay on the display.  Unforgiving and
unchanging.  The door opens, and Sally walks in.  She rushes to me,
still sitting in the same spot on the floor, my heart in pieces on the ground
beside me.  “Honey, what happened?”

I show her my phone, and she opens the attachment and runs the
video.  “I told you to watch out for him.”

“I did!”  My eyes widen.  My voice trembles with
defiance.  “I slapped the shit out of him a few seconds later, but the
video is cut early.”

“Why didn’t you tell me about it?” she asks, her face wrapped in concern.

“You weren’t here and I handled it.”  I shrug my shoulders, studying
my phone.  “What’s to tell?”   I lean my head against the
wall.  “That I’m a complete idiot and I should have never put myself in
the situation in the first place?”

“Amber, this is exactly what you share with your friends.  I could
have helped you.”  She squeezes my hands, her eyes fill with
reassurance.  “He wouldn’t have found out this way.  I also would
have made damn sure he knew about the slap.  You can bet your ass on
that.  Have you tried to text him or call him?”

“I tried to call and he sent me to voicemail.  You know.  Two
rings and then voicemail?  He hit the ignore button.”

“How do you know?”  Sally tilts her head with a confused expression.

“Two rings, Sally,” I sneer at her and look away, “then right to voice
mail.”  I hug my arms around my legs.  “Shit what am I going to
do?  I don’t want this.  I didn’t do anything wrong.  I told him
I was going to study with people from my class.  It was only Bobby and me,
and I didn’t want to worry him.  Was that wrong?  Maybe I should call
him and explain that?” 

“Ya think?” She crosses her arms and stares at me with raised
brows.  “You started out lying about the whole thing.”

“I sent him a couple of texts saying I needed to talk to him for the sole
reason of telling him what happened.”  My eyes pop open. 

“That just made you look guilty after he got this text.  Who do you
think sent it?”

“I have no idea who it could have been.  As far as I know, he only
knows Chadwick, you and he’s met Tracy.  I have no idea who could have
sent it.  It doesn’t matter.  What should I do?”

“I would call him and leave a voicemail explaining that it was not a
consensual kiss.  Saying nothing makes you look like you either don’t care
or you were caught and figured it wouldn’t matter anyway.”

“Ok.  I’ll do that.”  I try his cell phone again and after two
rings, it goes to voicemail. 

His voice says, “You’ve reached Tommy, and I can’t come to the phone.
 Leave your name and number, and I’ll get back to you.”  I can’t
breathe, I want to hear his sweet voice, not a message.  I need to
explain.  I feel sick, like my whole world has dropped out from under
me. 

I leave him a message, “I got your text and I wanted to talk to
you.  The video you got, from God knows who, is missing the ending. 
It’s not what it looks like.  Please call me.  Please, baby.”  I
sniff and wipe away my rolling tears.

I start to cry, and Sally holds me as I sob.  I stay there wrapped
in her arms, on the floor for a while.  I’m not sure how long.

My phone pings and I snatch it up, staring at the display.

I won’t go through this again. 

I can’t.

I need time. 

I’ll call you when I’m ready to talk. 

My guts feel like they’ve been ripped out as I whisper, “I think I’m
falling in love with him.”

Sally strokes my hair, and says sadly, “Oh honey, I’m so sorry.” 
Hugging me gingerly, her voice is soft as she says, “I’m here.  It’s going
to be ok.  We’ll get through this.”

***

The days flow into one another.  All filled with studying and
tests.  That’s about all I can handle.   I spend every moment
studying.  I can’t seem to bring myself to leave the room except to go to
class.  I hang out with Sally and Karen, but that’s it.  We watch
movies and study together.  Sometimes we play quarters but after ending up
crying and curled in a ball on the floor, they try to keep the drinking to a
minimum.  They’re sweethearts and still try to persuade me to get out, go
to a club or out to eat, but I always say no. 

I try to text Tommy a few times, but I never get an answer.  I even
tried to call him and tell him how I felt about him, desperate to make one last
ditch effort.  He didn’t pick up, so I hung up.

Bobby sits next to me in poli-sci now.  I moved every time he tried
to sit next to me for a few weeks, but after a while, I gave up.  It’s an
aching reminder of what I’ve lost, but it feels like penance, too.  He
knows what happened through Jerrod, I’m sure. 

He asks me out about once a week, taking my declines in stride. 
Every week, he asks saying he hopes I will feel up to it soon.   I
cancelled Aunt Patty’s visit, telling her I was too busy with school. 
Sally’s brother came and went.  He was only here for an overnight stay
anyway, so it was easy to beg off when she offered to introduce us.

The whole campus is a buzz about the serial beatings.  Every few
weeks or so, some new waitress is beaten when she leaves work, all with the
same footprint on the back.  Jenna, the waitress who waited on us at the
Hole in the Wall, was assaulted the next night after she got off work. 
The police advise all women in the area to walk to their cars in pairs late at
night or have a security guard walk them out.  The only pattern that
emerges is the footprint, that and all the victims are waitresses and
strippers.  Other than that, the police have nothing else to go on.

My advisor requests a meeting shortly before midterms to review all my
grades.  Professor Stewart is actually quite pleased with my
progress.  That’s about the only good thing over the last few weeks. 
My grades rock.  I’m sliding up on a four point grade average.

Sally stays at home most nights.  I think she’s concerned about
me.  The beatings have her worried.  She’s talked to the police a few
times, but they think it’s a coincidence that she knows some of the
victims.  Apparently, quite a few girls from campus are friends with more
than one of the victims.  It still gnaws at her. 

I don’t care what her reasons are.  I’m just glad she’s around.

I can’t look at my phone anymore these days.  It’s a painful
reminder I’ve lost Tommy.  I used to check it every day, hell, every hour,
for the first few days.  But after the first week slipped by without a
text or a call, and then the second week, the message sinks in.  It’s
over.  I’ve lost him.  I wasn’t honest, and he let me go. 
  

It’s ironic.  The thing I hold most dear is what cost me.  I
demand honesty from everyone and that’s what undid our relationship.  I
let him in for a mere moment and ran back into the shadows too scared to let
him really see me.  I kept everything hidden, kept important events to
myself, tried to handle things on my own.  I showed him yet again I didn’t
need anybody.  That I didn’t trust him.

I still cry myself to sleep every night, even after two months.  I
still dream about him.  I wake up and for a moment, I think he’s still
there.  I feel his touch, his kiss, his strong arms around me, and then I
realize, again…I’m alone.

***

“Amber, how are you?  I haven’t seen you around campus
lately.”  Lily gives me a strange smile. 
What’s that look for?

I have no idea why she is in our room.  They are seated at the
kitchen table, and there are glasses of wine on the table.  Sally gives me
awkward glance, and I shake my head. 
Please God, do not tell me she is
sleeping with that chick again.

“Lily.”  I turn to Sally and say, “I didn’t know we were having
company tonight.  Don’t let me interrupt, honey.”  I glide my hand
across her shoulders, kiss her lightly on the cheek, and flash a wicked grin at
Lily.  I walk to the bathroom door mustering up as much sex kitten bravado
as I can and close the door.

The walls are thin so I put my ear to the bathroom door to listen as Lily
blows a gasket. 
This will be fun!

“You know, we were fine until Amber came into the picture.” She snaps,
“You’re really sleeping with her, aren’t you?  That wasn’t just a
joke.  You are, aren’t you?  You couldn’t keep your hands off me when
we were rooming together, why should she be any different?”

Sally sounds desperate, but she’s still firm.  “We weren’t
fine.  I told you weeks ago I couldn’t do this, hell…wouldn’t do
this.  You chose not to listen.  You
chose
to ignore
everything I said.  Hell, everything Maria Gonzalez said.  I told you
I was moving out before Amber even showed up.  Don’t bring her into
this.”  Sally’s voice rises, and her tone is clear but very loud. 
“You know what?  It doesn’t matter.  You will never be out. 
EVER.  I am DONE.  I can’t do this anymore.  If you leave me
alone, I’ll have to go to Chadwick to talk to her about harassment
charges.  Don’t make me do that.  In fact, I think you should go to
Maria in the morning and have her move you to another dorm.   I don’t
want to see you.  Even in the hallway.”

“You can’t go to Chadwick,” Lily pleads.  Her voice rises as she
whines.  “I work in that office with her every day.  I’ll be
humiliated.  Please don’t, baby.  Please.”

“Ok, but I need you to move, even if it’s to another floor.  We’re
done, and I can’t see you every day.”

“You know, your new roommate is not who you think she is.”  She
says, venom lurching from her voice.  “She was in a gang, and she was
involved in a shooting last year where one girl was killed.  She did
nothing to help that girl, either.  She even refused to testify at the trial. 
She didn’t even go to the funeral, and the girl was her best friend.”

Oh, fuck no!  She did not say that.
  My ears pound as
the blood rushes to my head.  A cold shiver rises up my spine, and my hand
trembles as I reach for the door.  Swinging it open, it slams against the
wall.

Charging Lily, I shout, “You fucking sick shit, how dare you?” My hand is
up and slapping as hard as I can across Lily’s face, all the fury bubbling to
the surface.  “You do not know what you are talking about.”  I scream
into her bowed face, “Shut the fuck up!” 

Lily turns to me, her hand on her face where I slapped her.

I scream, “How dare you, you fucked up bitch.  I didn’t refuse to
testify at the trial.  There was no trial.  They never found the
guys.  I loved Angela Garcia.  How fucking dare you!”  I lunge
at her, but Sally catches my arms.

Lily sees her opportunity and takes it.   Rearing back, she
punches the shit out of my face.   I see stars, and my knees give
out, a tiny trickle of blood seeps from my lip.

“Awww, did I hurt you?” she asks coldly, wiping the blood from my
lip.  She examines the red dot on her finger with a cold indifference.

Still holding me, Sally yells, “Get out of here Lily, before I call the
campus police.”  I struggle to get free.  “Now!”

Lily flounces to the door.  Turning to look back at us, she takes
her finger with my blood on it and wipes it deliberately down the door
jamb.  A cold smile creases her lips, and she leaves, quietly closing the
door behind her.

Sally immediately turns to me.  “Are you ok?  Oh my God, I’m so
sorry.”  She lifts my face so she can get a good look.

“Fuckin’ underhanded bitch.  I can’t believe she sucker punched
me.”  I touch my lip and wince.

“I would have let you go, but I know you would kick her ass.”  She
looks over my face saying, “Big mark on your cheek, the lip might swell. 
She walloped you hard.  Seeing stars?”

“Yeah,” I snap.  My ears are ringing, and I whisper, “Ow,” as I
cradle my head in my hands.  “At the least, she’ll leave you alone. 
Nice move, threatening to go to Chadwick.” 

Sally jogs to the bathroom and comes back with a wet washcloth. 
Wiping away the blood from my lip, she says, “I want her out of my life. 
Do you want to call Maria and report this?”

“Nah, not worth it.  You should probably take a picture just in
case.”

Sally snaps a quick pic with her phone.  Turning to the fridge, she
fills a bag with some ice.  Handing it to me, I wince when I feel the cold
against my lip.

***

“Summer break is next week.  What are we doing?” Sally jumps on the
bed, her eyes dancing like a little kid at Christmas.

“Uh, I don’t know.  I have finals to worry about.”

“You’re kidding, right?” she asks, like I just popped her bubble.

“My aunt is threatening to visit.”  I patiently smile at her. 
“I have to have a great GPA, or I can’t get a motorcycle.  If I don’t get
a bike, I’ll be stuck taking the bus to my job interviews.  I would prefer
I didn’t have to do that.  Look the grades will be updated in an
hour.  Let me print them out, and I will
think
about making some
plans.  Let’s have a beer.  You want to see if Karen wants to come
down to our room for a beer?  We can play quarters.” 

“No.”  She stands, looking down at me.  “I am done with this
dorm room.  I need to celebrate.  We are going to go for a beer
somewhere, anywhere but here.”

“No.” I say firmly, turning back to my books in a vain attempt to ignore
her.

“Amber, if I have to carry you out over my shoulder, I’ll do it.” 
Her eyes narrow, her lips set in a thin line.  “I can’t stay in and party
here anymore.”  I guess my look of total hopelessness softens her
heart.  “What if we go over to the student union? 
It’s
two blocks away and still on campus.  Can we please go out?”