Pulled Within (14 page)

That was so weak. “So you lucked out and happened to show up where I worked. That doesn’t win you any points.”

“In a casino, of all places? Somewhere neither of us would have just happened to be? Come on, Rae. That’s pretty significant.”

I wasn’t convinced. “Why did you want to find me all of a
sudden?” I asked quietly.

His teeth dug into his bottom lip, and he dragged it into his mouth. “I wanted to see who you’d become, what you looked like. I wondered
if you were anything like I’d imagined over the years. I wasn’t
planning
on anything other than seeing you with my own eyes, but when I
saw you in the casino, the feelings I used to have came right back.”

The blanket had slipped, so I pulled it right back up to my neck.
I needed the coverage, the protection. “You thought of me?” That
was hard to believe.

He rubbed his chin against the top of his arm and looked at me through his lashes. “All the time.”

“Well, good for you. I’m not letting you hurt me again.” The
same
feelings had come back to me when I first saw him, too. I couldn’t
deny
that. But I was willing to force them aside for the sake of my well-
being.
There was no way I would go through that kind of hurt again. Not
now.

Twenty-five days
.

“You can trust me,” he said softly.

A laugh burst through my lips. It was either laugh or cry…and laughing felt safer. “I did trust you, and you fucking broke me.”

His gaze turned intense. “That was five years ago, Rae.”

“Yeah. I know.” It had been a long time that I’d held onto the
pain.
I couldn’t let it go that easily. “I don’t even know you anymore so
why would I trust you?” He didn’t answer. I swallowed the knot that was building in my throat. “What do you want from me, Hart?”

His hand traveled to my calf. He wrapped his fingers around the muscle and tried to pull me toward him. “A chance.”

I yanked my leg away and tucked my knees against my chest, pulling the blanket around them. I could feel something inside me
letting go…giving way. Tears. A whole day’s worth had collected,
and they were getting ready to release
—
not a downpour. Just a sprinkle.

Drop, drop, drop
.

“And what would keep you from hurting me this time? You’ve
said it yourself: you’ll be leaving town once you finish the spa so you can
build another one. We’ll be right back to where we were the last
time.”

He pushed his way to the middle of the bed, his legs stretching
over the side of the mattress, his hands on either side of me. “I’ll be here for the whole build out of Bar Harbor and Bangor, and probably
Portland. That’s over a year away, Rae. So much can change in that time.”

“Portland is a two-and-a-half hour drive. You’re going to live here and work there?”

A sly smile covered his mouth and lit his eyes. “You’re looking for excuses.”

I glanced at his hands. “I’m…protecting myself.”

“You don’t have to. I know the mistake I made, and I’m truly
sorry for it. And I’m not just saying that because you told me you expected
an apology. I’m saying it because you
deserve
one.” He rested his
hands
on my knees and waited for me to meet his gaze. “I think we’re
destined
for another chance. You can’t stop what’s going to happen, but you have to go in knowing that you’re going to give it everything you
have.” His chin rested on his hands. “I can’t guarantee the future will be happy
for us, and neither can you. But I’m certain about my feelings for
you. Tomorrow can always be taken away from us. What are you going to do right now?”

He really could pull thoughts out of my head.

I knew all about tomorrow being taken away from me. I knew
regret. I knew what it was like to want something so badly, and to not be able to have it.

I knew what it was like to wake up and be alone, and then to
never feel happiness happy again.

I opened my mouth to give him an answer, just as my cell began to ring from the nightstand. Mom’s number appeared on the screen. Her timing couldn’t have been worse.

His eyes jumped to my phone. “Why don’t you answer that,” he said. “Take a shower, even a nap if you think it will make you feel
better. I’ll be here when you’re ready to talk again.”

I didn’t agree or disagree. I just locked eyes with him and watched him walk out of the room as I swiped my finger across the screen. “Mom
—
”

“I really wish you wouldn’t make it so difficult to get in touch with you. You should answer your phone when I call you, at least.”

I exhaled a long, aching breath. “What’s up, Mom?” I didn’t
have to ask; I already knew what she wanted. It was why I hadn’t answered
any of her calls lately or returned her voicemails. At least this
conversation would buy me a few days.

“I’d like you to come over for your brother’s birthday,” she said.

I stood up and shuffled into the bathroom. What stared back at me from the mirror was so horrifying, I almost dropped the phone.
Yesterday’s makeup was caked and crusted under my eyelids. Bits
of
mascara and liner added to the black mess; smeared streaks of
brown
and gray sparkle that had once been the two-toned shadow I’d worn to work. I moistened my fingers under the faucet and tried to scrub
it off.

“If you want to see me,” I counter-offered, “I’ll meet you for
coffee…or something. But I’m not coming to the house.”

“Why do you
—
”

“You know the deal, Mom. It hasn’t changed since last year or
the year before.”

“Jesus, Rae.”

I could picture the look on her face…all the pain, and the
feelings that ate at her stomach. They were the same feelings that gnawed at mine. But that didn’t mean I would change my mind. She knew how it was: I was never going back to that house.

Ever.

I was surprised she could even live in that damn place knowing everything that happened there.

“Maybe you can’t do it for me,” she said, her voice pleading,
“but can you try to do it for your brother’s sake?”

The reason I was staying away actually was for my brother’s
sake. I knew by now she wouldn’t understand that.

“I’ve got to go,” I said. “Shoot me a text if you want to get coffee and we can plan a time when we’re both free.”

“Rae
—
”

“Bye, Mom.”

I hung up and placed the phone on the countertop. Water alone
wasn’t taking off any of the black; it was only smudging further. So I squirted some soap onto my fingers and lathered until my hands
filled with foam. The suds were able to soften the layers, and soon my face
was clean, and all the makeup was off. It didn’t matter so much for my eyes; they stood out pretty well on their own. But the darker
tones that swirled through my scar were even more noticeable now that they
weren’t covered. And I had nothing with me that I could use to
cover them back up.

I grabbed the tube of toothpaste that was sitting in a holder next
to the sink, squirted a thick line onto my finger, and rubbed it over my teeth. It barely dented the furry coating that covered them. I needed a brush for that, but it didn’t look like there was a spare one
in here. So I
spat out the rest of the minty paste and moved deeper into the
bathroom. There was a closet next to the shower that held towels in all different
sizes. I grabbed one that was big enough to wrap around my body,
and one I could wash with. Everything else I needed
—
shampoo, conditioner and body wash
—
were sitting on a tiled shelf inside the
shower. There was quite a difference between this tub and the one at Caleb and Jeremy’s house.

I was grateful for that, at least.

***

Before going into the kitchen, I dressed in a pair of Hart’s
sweatpants, double knotting the drawstring and folding the waist until they were the right length. I put on a fresh T-shirt that had also appeared on
the bed while I’d been in the shower. As soon as he saw me, he
moved over
to the coffeemaker. Setting a mug underneath the mouth, he hit a
button for it to begin to brew. Once the cup was full, he poured in a splash of flavored creamer and handed it to me. “Hopefully you still drink your coffee the same way.”

I leaned into the center island and moaned as I took my first sip. “It’s perfect.”

He slipped two pieces of bread into the toaster, setting a plate in front of it along with some butter. “The toast will help with your hangover, too.”

“I thought grease was supposed to do that?”

“You need something light first to help settle your stomach. I’ll feed you grease in a little while.”

My free hand gripped the edge of the counter. “There’s going to be another meal after this one?”

“Call it the main course. Toast is the appetizer.” It popped up, as if on cue. He buttered both pieces and slid the plate over to me. “Do you have to work tonight?”

“No. It’s my first night off.” I took a bite and washed it down
with coffee.

“Then why don’t you just stay here?”

“You mean, overnight?”

He nodded. His gray gaze demanded an answer from me.

I set the coffee on the counter. Both hands now clutched the
stone. “I don’t know, Hart.” I’d only gotten down a half a piece of toast, but my stomach already felt stronger.

He moved over to my side of the counter. I turned around to
face him, keeping my hands behind me. I didn’t want to reach for him,
but my fingers were close to doing just that. “You never answered
my question before your phone rang. You staying here could answer both at the same time.”

This was the closest I’d been to him all morning. Even though my stomach was feeling better, I couldn’t say the same for my chest.
Something was happening inside of it
—
the same thing I felt
whenever I was around him, only more intense this time. Maybe because he had told me how he felt, and what he wanted from me. Maybe because
he’d finally apologized, and I could see that he was actually sorry for leaving me behind. Or maybe I was just seeing in him what I wanted to see.

That alone told me I might need to try.

“A chance?” I asked. “That’s it?”

His hand reached toward me. With every inch that it drew
closer, my muscles tightened a little bit more. My nails tapped underneath the counter, and there was a hesitation in my breath. I shifted out of
the way just before he touched my face. It didn’t matter how much
of my body he had seen. There was no way he was touching my cheek.

“Sorry…I was just going to brush the crumbs off your lips.” His hand hung in the air. His brows stayed perched, questions filled his
eyes. “But yes, all I want is a chance. The rest is up to you.” His gaze
dove straight into mine. When I didn’t look away, his hand fell to
my waist. I felt it around the elastic that held up the sweats.

I hadn’t ruined the moment; I’d changed it. His fingers were
demons I would have to conquer. In the meantime, they wouldn’t be allowed near my face…not until I was comfortable with it. I would be the one to place them there. For now, that distance was a good thing.

“Okay.”

His hands tightened. “Okay? That’s a yes?”

I smiled. It was genuine. “Yes.”

I COULDN’T REMEMBER
the last time I’d sat in front of a TV all day and watched movies. Maybe because it hadn’t happened since
Darren and I were kids. This time, I did it with Hart.

And he fed me the whole time.

There was a banquet constantly surrounding us. He made
mozzarella cheese sticks, potato skins and deep-fried Oreos for our grease-filled
lunch. During the movies, it was popcorn and candy…somehow
he’d remembered that my favorite was anything gummy. He’d purchased
every shape and flavor they sold—multiple bags of each. The final
course was ribs, corn on the cob and potatoes that he’d grilled.

It was more than I had eaten all month.

Oddly—and thankfully—my stomach was keeping it down.

I set aside my last plate and leaned back into the couch. My legs
rested on the ottoman, and my hands held my belly. I was so full, it was hard to breathe. It looked like Hart was having a hard time finishing what was on his plate. But my attention had drifted away
from him, to
the wall of windows just to the side of us. His place sat directly on
the
water with a full beach; glass panes ran the whole back length of the
house, revealing a sky that was just starting to darken, and a sun
getting ready to dip below the ocean.

“Move in with me.”

He just said it out of nowhere while I was watching the horizon. My head snapped around. “What?”

“We don’t have to call it a ‘move-in’ if that makes you
uncomfortable. Think of it more like you’re just staying with me for a while.”

My hands reached between the cracks of the couch, gripping the cushions. “I can’t do that.”

“But you can live with a drug dealer?”

I wasn’t sure if he was talking about Brady, Caleb or Jeremy.

“I’ve known those guys forever, and they’re my friends. I’m only at Caleb’s until I can afford my own place. That should be soon
—
real soon, actually.”