“Dad, are you eating?
Sleeping?”
“I’m doing the best I can, son.
Some days I take better care of myself than others. I miss your mother.”
I feel the sting of unshed tears behind my eyes, but I refuse to be a baby and shed a tear in front of my dad.
That’s the last thing he needs. He won’t talk to me if he feels like it upsets me too much.
“I’m sorry that I had to leave-“
He holds a hand up a hand, halting my words, “You know better than to apologize for that. I understand. Now, tell me how she’s been doing since we spoke on the phone.”
“I don’t know, dad.
She won’t talk about what happened, but I know she’s not okay.”
“Well of course she’s not okay.
She was kidnapped and hurt. That would do a number on anyone. Lord only knows what really happened to her. I know you suggested something awful had happened to her when we spoke.”
I debate whether or not to repeat what I heard and believe to be true but know my dad would never say anything.
Moreover, his advice and understanding would once again be much appreciated. “Dad, when she was at the hospital, I told you I overheard something.”
“Yes, I remember.
And I told you that whatever it was to get your ass back to that hospital and to deal with what happened together.”
I give him a small smile, but it quickly drops, “Dad, I know she was abused not only physically, but possibly sexually too.
It’s not anything one wouldn’t have expected, I guess. But hearing it stated... well, it’s one thing to wonder, it’s another to know. ”
My dad moves to sit on the couch next to me.
He places his hand on my shoulder, lending his support. I don’t even need to tell him how much this news is affecting me. He knows. He knows as a man that is dedicated to protecting the woman he loves. He also knows what it’s like to be powerless in preventing harm and pain to the one you love. While the details may be different - Olivia was ravaged by a madman and my mom by cancer, I expect the feeling of helplessness is still the same. He can understand the loss I might feel – having had someone violate someone and something that was so precious. And my anger and rage – at Deacon, the situation, myself - yep, I think he gets it too.
“Tell me what you heard,” he says.
And so I do. I tell him where I was, what I overheard and how I freaked out so bad, I took off.
“Don’t be angry at yourself for that, son.
You had a very human reaction. When your mom told me she had cancer, I had a very similar reaction.”
I look at him with surprise, “You did?”
“Yes. The fear and doubt was more than I knew what to do with. One night, when your mother was sleeping, I got in my car and drove away. Not with the intention of never returning, but because I needed to ask myself if I was strong enough to travel down what was likely to be a long and painful road. I needed to do some soul searching and prepare myself for what was to come.”
“Did you feel like you were being weak?
I did. I realized what I was doing and got my ass back there.”
“No, son.
Weakness would be if you had never confronted the fact and the ramifications that what happened to Olivia, will affect her
and
you. Just as I would hope that one day Olivia would be open to speaking with someone to get her through this difficult time in her life – to make sure she is dealing with it in a healthy manner, you should too. I suggest you also think about speaking to someone professionally. You gave yourself a little time, thought about what you needed to do, and realized your love for each other can get through anything. I believe it will son, but a little help, a little guidance from an unbiased third party, would be very good for you.”
I nod, acknowledging his recommendation, “I feel like she is drowning and I can’t save her.
No matter what she says, I know that talking about it is what she needs to do. She needs to confront what happened to her in order to deal with it.”
“Are you sure that is what she needs, or is it what you need?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, that this is about Olivia.
Luke, she is damn well aware of what happened to her. She knows better than anyone. This isn’t about her not talking about it. Right now, it’s about self-preservation. She is doing what she needs to do for herself right now, just to get through one day at a time. It’s no different than mourning, really. She’s mourning the carefree way she was able to live her life before it was ripped away from her. The difference is, she can get that back. It isn’t dead.”
“But dad, I just don’t think it’s good that she refuses to talk about this.
She needs to talk about it to someone. Even, as much as I hate to say it, if it isn’t me, she needs someone. I know I keep saying this, but she needs to deal with this.”
“And she will, but in her own time, Luke, not yours.
Olivia finally stood up to Deacon and divorced him after living in pain for quite some time. She was ready to finally move on and start fresh. Then, because Deacon doesn’t like her decision, he decides to take her choices away from her. Something as basic as being confident in your own decisions was taken away from her. How do you think that makes her feel? It’s more than just, as you say, ‘dealing with it’.”
“You’re right.
I know you’re right. I need to stop assuming I know what she should be doing right now. It’s just really hard. It’s like breathing, this need to make her happy.”
“Oh son, that’s called love.
That will never go away, if you’re lucky. And you know what the best part is? You’ll be better for it. There’s nothing better than taking care of the woman you love and knowing she loves you and wants to do the same for you in return.”
“Like what you had with mom?”
“Yes, we got there eventually.
Relationships aren’t always easy. They take dedication and hard work. But, hopefully you will get years of love, joy, and contentment in return. And that my son, is worth all of the tough times in between.”
“Thanks, dad.
I really needed to hear this. I feel like I’m just screwing everything up.”
“That’s not the case.
You are trying to figure out how to love and protect the woman you love, the best way you can. You will never go wrong when love is leading the way.”
“Yes, that’s what I’m trying to do, you’re right.”
I take a deep breath, look at my dad and once again take in his appearance, “What do you say I make us something to eat?”
He smiles and pats me on the shoulder, “I’d like that.”
13.
BLING!
Olivia
I’m curled up
on the couch with Pyper watching
Supernatural
. It’s one of our favorite guilty pleasures. After Luke left she came to my bedroom asking me to join her and told me she had a surprise for me as well.
“I can’t say no to Sam and Dean, I love that show!”
What she doesn’t know though is that one of the reasons I love to watch it is because of her commentary. She always says really naughty things about the brothers, and what she’d like to do to them. And on them.
“I knew you’d say yes!”
Pyper jumps up and down clapping. Seriously, that girl goes overboard on the enthusiasm, sometimes. And I love it.
As I hobble my way into the living room, I see that Supernatural is already on the television.
“Umm, what is this? You started without me?”
“Well, you were holed up in your room with Luke and I felt like watching it.
I did not, however, feel like checking for a sock on the door. I figure you two have some catching up to do.”
I smile, “A sock on the door?
What are you, in college still?” She shrugs her shoulders, “Okay, fine, I guess I will forgive you this one time.”
“Damn straight you will.”
Pyper hands me a glass of wine and I settle onto the couch, throwing a blanket over my lap. She puts a bowl of fresh popcorn in between the two of us, and it dawns on me she knew I would say yes because she has everything ready to go.
She starts a new episode and sure enough, it is one of her favorites.
It’s the episode where Sam and Dean try to figure out how to save Dean from an anxiety driven virus. Pyper’s favorite part is when they open a locker looking for any clues and a cat is inside. Sam blows it off but the normal tough guy Dean screams like a girl and runs out. She’s seen it several times, but she still laughs like it is the first time every time she sees it. And then she rewinds it over and over to watch again. I always laugh right along with her.
“Mmm, I really wouldn’t mind being in a Dean and Sam sandwich,” Pyper says smacking her lips together as if picturing it.
I raise my eyebrows at her, “Isn’t that kind of gross? I mean they’re brothers. If you had both of them in bed, wouldn’t that kind of be like the brothers are having sex with each other too? Eww, talk about incestuous.”
“Oh yeah, right.
I’m sure if a woman had both of them in bed they’d be thinking, eww. I’m sure their hard pecs and well defined abs would drive those thoughts right out of their brain. Instead they would be thinking, ‘OH MY GOD, I’m having sex with Sam and Dean from Supernatural!’
“Okay, good point,” I laugh.
“I mean really, what kind of question was that anyway, Olivia?
I expect more from you.”
“I don’t know, just something that came to mind.”
“You’re twisted.”
“Ha!
It takes one to know one.”
She salutes me with her wine glass, “Guilty.”
I laugh. I love this banter between the two of us. It’s exactly what I need, and the wine tastes great and definitely doesn’t hurt either. “I know you love Dean, but personally I’m a Sam kind of girl.” Of course this is a conversation we’ve had many times, but it amuses me to get her going.
“Shocking, Livvie.
You like the good looking, emotional, tortured and broody kind of guy.”
“What is that supposed to mean?” I raise my brows at her, “Luke isn’t broody, so your suggestion is way off.”
“Whatever.” She waves her hand as if it is a moot point. She leaves the room and comes back carrying a bag in her hand. “So, I thought we could do a craft.”
“Um, what?
Who are you and what have you done with my best friend, Pyper?”
“Ha. Ha.
This isn’t for me, it’s for you and I thought I would put my good sense aside and think of you.”
“Okay, well now I’m just plain scared.”
“Very funny.” She starts pulling things out of the bag one by one and sets them on the coffee table. There’s a huge bag full of pink and white gemstones, all kinds of glitter, two new glue guns and glue sticks.
I just stare at her for a few beats, “I’m really trying to guess here, but I have no idea.”
“I thought we could bedazzle your cast!”
“Bedazzle my cast?
Where did you get that idea?”
“Oh, just something I saw on
Pinterest
.”
“Wait, you’re on
Pinterest
? Seriously, are you possessed or something? Maybe a demon from
Supernatural
flew out of the TV and into you? Can you get possessed from watching television? Crap.” I get close and look at her eyes, “No, they aren’t all black.”
“Ha. Ha.
You are a riot. Come on; don’t even think about telling me you don’t want to do this. It’s right up your alley.”
“Actually, I kind of love the idea.”
“Knew it. Do I know you, or what?”
“Okay fine, you got me here.
I’m so impressed you actually one up’d me on this one. But I gotta say, this sounds like fun.”
Pyper gives me a no duh look as she plugs in the glue guns, “This will be fun, and then your cast will be stylin.”
“That it will,” I smile and feel my eyes well up a little at her thoughtfulness. I blink rapidly to push them back. The last thing I want to do is cry like a baby and ruin our time together. It’s just, when I think about how close I came to losing her. No. I’m not going there.
“So, tell me.
After speaking about the hotness of Sam and Dean, what kind of guy do you picture yourself with? A serious, no-nonsense, tortured, book smart kind of guy like Sam? Or, the live-life-to-its-fest, don’t hold back, sarcastic, shameless flirt like Dean?”
“Honestly?
The few times that I’ve seriously given that some thought, I would have to say neither.”
“Neither?
Really?” I give it additional thought as I watch Pyper check one of the guns. When she sees they are both warm she hands one to me and together we start gluing pink plastic gemstones to my leg cast. “I thought for sure you would say a guy like Dean. Remember the time we made a pros and cons list about the attributes of each of them?” We both giggle at the memory, “Your Dean list was like a mile long.”
After gluing a huge silver gemstone, Pyper looks at me with humor shining in her eyes, “Yeah, I remember, I am definitely attracted to the idea of a badass like Dean, but I picture myself with a serious business man.”
“A business man? Really? You want an uber professional kind of guy?”
“Well… yeah.
Can you imagine me with any other kind? I mean, I know I’m pretty laid back, but I want a guy that is financially independent in his own right. One who wants to take care of me, even if I don’t need that kind of care-taking, and doesn’t just want to be with me because of my dad’s money and the connections he would hope to acquire by association.”
“You’re really worried about that?
You’ve never mentioned it before.”
“Sure, wouldn’t you be?
Ouch! Son of a bitch!”
“Glue get you?”
“Yep, damn that hurts. Anyway, my dad isn’t a celebrity like George Clooney by any means, but he’s still well known. I worry about people using me to get to him.”
“That makes sense; I never considered that, I guess.
But you can’t let fear of something that may or may not ever happen keep you from dating. You could find someone that will make you really happy. I’m not saying you need a man to be happy, but I know you. You are like most people, you’d like someone to share your life with; companionship. We all want to be loved like that, and no matter what you say sometimes, or how much you joke, you’re no exception.”
Pyper fills our wine glasses for the third time, maybe - I don’t know, I’ve lost track.
“Yes, you’re right, I would like to find someone, but I’m sure as hell not going to settle for just anyone.”
I nod my head, “No, you shouldn’t ever settle,” I agree.
“Hey, remember that guy you told me you dated once? The artist?”
Immediately Pyper groans and pauses from gluing rhinestones.
She looks up at the ceiling like she’s recalling exactly whom I’m speaking of, “Oh God yes, anywhere we would go he would be all ‘Oh wow, look at the naked beauty in the way this trash can sits there taking up space and holding garbage within. Can’t you just see how the earth holds its balance of good and bad in its simplicity,’ he was so weird. And made no sense.”
I snort mid-drink and am surprised wine doesn’t come out of my nose, “Didn’t he ask you to pose nude for him?”
Pyper gives a loud laugh, “Yeah, that was the last thing he ever asked me. I dumped him after that. Freak!”
“That seems a little harsh.
I mean, what’s a little nakedness in the name of art?”
“Very funny, Livvie.
You know very well you never would have done it if our roles had been reversed. Besides, he wanted me to pose nude on solar panels – he was really into the green planet as well.”
“Solar panels?”
I quickly recover when I see the claws coming out. “Oh come on now, I don’t know. If I recall correctly, I seem to remember someone once telling me that I needed to take chances in life. That I wouldn’t know what greatness is out there if I didn’t jump in with both feet and put myself out there and blah, blah, blah. Seems you could have accomplished that… being out there.” I can’t help but goad her a bit.
Pyper’s eyes widen and she gives me a mischievous grin, “Oh my god, that person sounds like a total bitch.”
She’s waving the glue gun around as she uses her hands to emphasize her statement. She’s at the top of my cast and precariously close to my lap as she’s waving it around, making me a tad fearful. “I mean, please, like you aren’t capable of making your own decisions, or something.”
“Yeah, she’s a total bitch.
And it seems to me, she should take her own advice.” I respond quickly, “Hey! Watch it with that glue gun, would ya?”
“What?”
She looks down at herself and realizes she was waving it around, “Oh sorry.”
I can’t help but laugh, “After everything I’ve been through, that’s all I need.
I can see the headline now, ‘Woman Dead After Suffering Third Degree Burns to Vagina.”
I see Pyper’s expression fall for a moment at my statement and I want to kick myself.
I didn’t mean to sound all serious or make her sad. I was trying to be funny. She quickly recovers, “Oh please, a few third degree burns never killed anyone.”
I roll my eyes and change the subject, “Do you still have your dating profile up on Date Me?”
“No. I took it down while you were missing.”
I wasn’t expecting that answer, “What?
Why?”
“That’s a pretty dumb question, Livvie.
I wasn’t in the mood for that kind of thing while you were gone. My email would get overloaded with messages from the site, and I wanted to keep it clear in case any news came through. I finally just deleted my profile.”
“Oh.”
I don’t meet her eyes, even though I can feel her staring at me. I pretend to be very involved in opening the pink glitter, “Well, we should start a new one for you. Get you out there meeting people again.”
Pyper gives me a sad smile, “Maybe some time, I’m not really in the mood for that right now.”
“Why? Now is as good a time as any.”
“Just because, Livvie,” there’s something in the tone of her voice that makes me meet her eyes.
I don’t expect the fear I see lingering in her eyes or in the way her whole body has tensed up.
“What’s wrong?”
I ask her confused.
She sighs, “I know you won’t leave it alone, so truthfully, the whole thing with Deacon really scared me.
It made me realize that you don’t always know people, ya know? You just can’t be too careful and it kind of put a sour taste in my mouth on the whole dating thing for right now.”
My stomach clenches and I flinch when I hear Deacon’s “
Hello Princess
” in my mind at her words. She couldn’t be more correct. Nothing is scarier than thinking you know someone and finding out that you didn’t really. Nothing at all. “I get it, and I’m really sorry.”
“Don’t you dare apologize,” she points a finger at me, well more like points a glue gun at me. “This is not at all your fault.
This is just me being smart. You’re my best friend and I’ve had a front row to everything you’ve been through. Well mostly. Anyway, I don’t think anyone with half a brain, could be close to what I’ve witnessed from Deacon, and not have a little justified fear in them.”
I’m proud of myself for managing to keep myself from flinching at his name.
That has to be progress. “You’re right. I just hate to think that I’ve contributed to you not carrying on and living your life the way you should. Or that…he has stripped you of that.”
She secures another gemstone to my cast and I see we’ve just about got the whole thing filled up.
“Well you know better than that, and I’m sure my feelings are only temporary. I will get my mojo back eventually, I’m sure.” She hesitates, and I can tell she wants to say something but when she presses her lips together, I can tell she’s decided not to.