Present Perfect (31 page)

The tears that had started forming during our walk here began to run down my face. It felt like I stood there forever with the words stuck in my throat. The person who meant everything to me just buried his father and I was about to break my promise and leave him. Noah misread my tears as the emotions of the week catching up with me. Mr. Stewart was like my second dad.

He reached, pulling me into a hug. I put my arms around his neck and held on. I knew this was the last time I would feel his strong arms around me, touch his soft hair, and smell his wonderful citrusy scent. As he held me, I tried to get my sobs under control. I needed to do this quick before I chickened out.

I pulled back from him, his arms remained around my waist. “Noah, I need to say something.”

“Okay.”

Stepping away from him I still wasn’t sure I could go through with this. Every part of me began to quiver, the inside as well as the outside. “Promise me you’ll listen before you say anything.”

“What’s going on, Tweet?”

“Promise me.”

“Okay. I promise,” he said.

I swallowed my sobs. “You are the most important person in my life. Your happiness is my number one priority. Don’t ever doubt that, because it will never change.”

“You’re scaring me.” His voice was cracking with emotion. His beautiful light blue eyes that were filled with deep sadness started to glisten.

I knew this was it, my life would never be the same, and I was scared to death.

“I need to step away from us for a while. Seeing you with Brooke is harder than I thought it would be,” I swallowed hard. I still couldn’t believe I was doing this.

“I’ll break up with her.” His response was quick and said with such assurance. It caught me off guard.

“Brooke is who you should turn to now, not me. She’s your girlfriend.” My stomach churned when the words came out of my mouth. “She’s good for you, Noah.”

“You’re a liar. You can’t stand her,” he said.

I could feel my sobs pushing against my chest wanting to get out, but I held them in. I had to stay strong.

“You need to stop being so attached to me.”

My legs were barely holding me up they were so weak. The ache in my chest exploded with every word I said to him.

“Stop being so attached to you?” He pushed off of the table and took a step towards me.

“We’re not kids anymore. I’m getting ready to go off to school…”

“Don’t do this. I won’t touch you again, I swear, not even a hug. You can’t do this. I can’t lose you, too.” He stepped closer to me. “I love you.”

Every part of me wanted to grab him and tell him how much I loved him, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. He wasn’t going to make this easy on me. I had to say something that would cut right into him.

“Well, you shouldn’t. I told you over and over that I couldn’t be with you. But you kept pushing more and more each time. I
can’t
be with you, Noah, and I don’t want to be. I don’t feel the same way about you.”

I saw in his eyes when the shift from hurt to anger occurred. “So this is my fault? You always said the reason we couldn’t be a couple was because you’d do something to mess it up and we’d lose our friendship. Now you’re blaming me.”

“No one is to blame.” My voice sounded so small.

“Oh yeah? I blame you.” I could feel the heat from his anger radiating off his body. “You don’t give a shit about me or my happiness. All you care about is keeping things in the same little compartment, so you can control everything.”

The look in his eyes shifted again, only this time it was from anger to hate. He was starting to hate me.

I stepped back and started to turn my head away when Noah grabbed my chin forcing me to look at him. “Don’t you dare look away from me. You’re not going to run away this time.” I remained quiet, letting him say everything he needed to. “I’ve tried to stay away from you, to not touch you, and I’ve tried so fucking hard not to fall in love with you.”

He moved in closer to me. Our chest pushed together with each heavy breath we took. Our eyes locked.

Noah’s voice became low and raspy. “I know you want me. I could tell the last time in your room how wet you were through your pajamas. You were so ready for me to slide into you. All I did was kiss your stomach and you almost came right in my arms…didn’t you?”

I startled when he yelled demanding an answer. “DIDN’T YOU?!”

I simply nodded. He stepped back away from me. He shook his head and chuckled humorlessly. “You always said I deserved better than you. Maybe you really thought it was you who deserved better than me, because I’m not perfect and you always have to have everything so fucking perfect.”

“That’s not true. You are perfect, but I’m not. You deserve perfect.”

“And you think Brooke is perfect for me?”

“I don’t know. I just know that I’m not.”

“SHUT THE FUCK UP! I’m tired of hearing you say that. All these years I hated what you thought about yourself. I know you think Emily’s perfect. And I know you are constantly being compared to her. I put up with you pushing me away because I knew that. I was convinced you actually believed you weren’t good enough for me. I figured if I kept telling you how incredible you were and how much I loved you that one day you’d believe it and stop all this bullshit. You’re not a loser, Tweet. You’re a coward, because you just threw away the chance to be with someone who wanted to spend the rest of his life loving you.”

“Please don’t hate me. Once you calm down and have a chance to think clearly you’ll see this is for the best, right now.” My voice kept quivering, I barely got the words out.

He stood there for a moment, silent, with his hands on his hips, looking down at the ground. His voice was low and strained when he said, “Get the fuck away from me.”

“Noah…”

He looked up at me. I gasped. The look on his face was of a broken and devastated person and I was the cause of it.

Looking me directly in the eye he slowly said, “Get. The. Fuck. Away. From. Me. Now.”

As I walked away from him I felt the life drain from my body. I hadn’t gotten very far when I heard repeated pounding and grunting. I turned and the last small piece of my heart died. Noah kicked and punched at our table before flipping it over, screaming, “MOTHER FUCKING…SELFISH…GODDAMN HER!”

I began to shake uncontrollably, bracing myself on a nearby tree. I raised a trembling hand to cover my mouth. I felt like I was about to be sick. I didn’t turn away from him, though. I deserved every bit of pain and hurt that came my way for what I had just done to the only boy who will ever have my heart. What I worried about the most happening between us had just come true…and it didn’t happen at all in the way my fears had imagined it. This was even worse.

We set limits for ourselves all the time. This imaginary line that you’re positive you won’t ever cross. An action that you are positive you would never do, no matter what. But what we don’t consider when we draw our line is a change in our situation.

An action that you were sure last week you wouldn’t do suddenly becomes a viable option this week because the situation has driven you to it.

Then you move your limit line and talk yourself into believing that this new line will never be crossed.

A man will take a stand and proclaim, “I would never lie to my wife.” But what if he maxes out their credit card because of his internet porn addiction?

The line gets moved.

I’m sure if you ask any mother or father they would not hesitate in harming or even killing someone who was about to do the same to their child.

The line gets moved.

A girl who is so consumed by the pain and empty ache of loneliness will be driven to do anything, no matter how degrading she thinks it is, because she wants to numb the chronic pain.

The line gets moved.

The line keeps moving and moving until one day you realize you’re limitless.

If you are being completely honest with yourself, there is absolutely nothing you wouldn’t do if the situation required you to cross another line.

My body, mind, and soul stopped functioning when I saw Noah flip our table over and kick the legs until they broke. The sight of him as he dropped to his knees was hard enough to watch, but when he picked up one of the broken wooden legs, and threw it full throttle into the air, I couldn’t take watching any longer, and turned my head away. I hated myself. How could I have done that to him? Glancing toward him one last time, I saw his shoulders begin to shake from sobbing and I was completely shattered.

Breaking up our friendship was only supposed to be temporary, but this didn’t feel temporary. This didn’t feel like the
break
we had last year. This felt permanent. He was done with all my excuses, all my insecurities, and all the times I gave into my desires only to pull away, again and again. Tonight was the last straw for him. Not only had I achieved my goal, I surpassed it. I didn’t just break up our friendship, I completely destroyed it. I had to hold on to the belief that this was the right thing to do for him otherwise I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.

I turned and started walking away from the park. I had no idea where I was going. My body felt numb and my mind was blank. I was unconscious of how long I had been walking or the direction I had been going in.

When I finally stopped and looked up, it took several minutes for my mind to clear and recognize where I was. I saw my hand move toward the doorbell and push it. When the door opened, the light from the inside ran across my face causing me to squint. He stood there, wide-eyed, and in shock. I wasn’t positive, but I thought I saw a slight smile on his lips when he realized it was me.

“Amanda? What are you doing here?”

I didn’t know how to answer him. I wasn’t exactly sure what drew me here. I certainly didn’t make a conscious choice to come here.

I hadn’t talked to Brad since the day he humiliated me. By the look on his face, I could tell I had been standing there a while without answering his question.

“Are you alone?” My voice was weak and small. He eagerly looked back over his shoulder then back at me.

Quirking an eyebrow up and smiling he said, “No, but I can be. Just give me a second.”

Stepping back, he motioned for me to come in. My legs didn’t hesitate. I knew where I was and who I was with. This boy was responsible for my complete humiliation a few months ago. Maybe, subconsciously I knew Brad was what I deserved. I sure as hell didn’t deserve anything better than this douchebag.

I could hear the sound of muffled music coming from down the hall where the game room was located. Brad ushered me quickly into the kitchen.

“Wait here while I get rid of my…um…company.”

He walked out of the kitchen and disappeared down the hallway. The music stopped and muffled voices filled the air.

At one end of the kitchen there was a breakfast nook. I pushed myself in the corner of the nook as much as possible trying not to be seen. The feeling in my numb body started to return. The voices got louder and clearer the closer they came. As the numbness continued to wear off I could feel a heaviness in my chest that was making it hard to breathe. My fingers were cold while my palms started to get moist. I could feel the trickle of sweat rolling down my forehead. I was burning up. My body wasn’t the only thing coming back to life. I couldn’t stop the pictures of Noah’s pain from flashing across my mind. This wasn’t the time or the place to have my nervous breakdown. I had to get numb again. I needed an escape from my heartache.

When I thought this night couldn’t get any worse, I heard the syrupy sweet drawl that made me cringe.

“Where are we going? I thought you wanted to bend me over the pool table and …”

“Not tonight Brit. Something very important just came up.” Brad sounded eager and in a hurry to get her out the door.

“I bet I can make something important come up,” she said, laughing at herself.