Present Perfect (17 page)

Once at the park, we didn’t go to our spot. Instead, Noah headed to the playground area. We sat in two swings that were side by side. I watched in silence as he unwrapped the cake and then handed me the fork. I stabbed the part covered in the most frosting, of course. I put the fork in my mouth then pulled it out slowly as I made a slight moan, my teeth and lips tightened around it. I wanted to make sure I got every bit of frosting. I noticed Noah staring at my mouth. Once the fork left my lips, I tilted my head back looking up at the stars.

“Your mom buys the best cakes,” I said, holding the fork out between us indicating it was his turn.

He took a large gulp of air. “You really know how to eat cake.”

We sat there in silence, passing the fork between us until the cake was gone. As Noah was throwing our trash away, I thought this wasn’t as awkward as I thought it was going to be. We’ll go home, wake up tomorrow and all will be right with the world. Everything will be back to normal.

As he approached, I stood thinking we were headed home. Noah stopped a couple of feet from me. He looked so somber. His voice was barely a whisper when he said, “We need to talk, Tweet.” My stomach immediately dropped to the center of the earth. I wanted to run back home to my room and hide under the covers.

We sat back down on the swings, but Noah made no attempt to initiate the conversation. I had a sinking feeling I was about to lose the most important person in my life.The silence was suffocating me. I could feel my throat begin to close and it became harder to breath. I decided to speak first before I passed out. “Why are we sitting over here?”

“I didn’t want to talk at your house or our spot.”

“Why?”

He took a deep breath. “Since you left my house, all I can see when I walk into the family room is you sitting on the floor, screaming and crying,” he said.

“I don’t understand.”

“I don’t want you to have the same pain as I do whenever you’re in your room or at our spot.” Just when I thought I had no more tears to shed, I felt them forming. “I don’t think it’s a good idea for us to be around each other for a while,” his voice cracked.

I felt all the oxygen rush out of my lungs and my head began to throb. I knew the argument earlier was the worst we had ever had, but I didn’t think he’d want to get rid of me. My eyes felt like they were the size of saucers. My tears were getting harder and harder to hold back. I needed clarification of his statement. Maybe he meant something entirely different than what I heard. I mean, even though we have a strong connection we are of the opposite sex. Men and women misinterpret each other all the time.

For the second time today, a thousand responses flew across my mind in a nanosecond, but only one word escaped my lips. “Why?”

Noah’s deep gaze focused on me, with tears glossing over his eyes. He hesitated before clearing his throat. His voice was so low and husky I had a hard time hearing him. “I think you know why.”

“I think I do too, but I’d like to hear it from you, just in case I’m wrong.”

Fear and apprehension crossed his face before speaking. “Tweet, I don’t know,” he paused. “This thing is confusing.”

“What thing?”

He pointed back and forth between us. “This thing between us. It’s so different.”

“Different good or different bad?” I kept asking questions I already knew the answer to, desperately trying to prolong our time together. I knew exactly what was happening. I was losing my soul mate because I was so fucked up in the head and I didn’t know how to change it.

“Different confusing. I know you’ve always been down on yourself. I know you think you’re doing what’s best for me. I hate that you think so little of yourself and I hate that you don’t think we belong together. I’ve tried to be around you and stay in the friend zone. I’ve tried so fucking hard.” Tears were flowing freely down both our faces. “I can’t be around you right now. It hurts too much, because I am so completely and desperately in love you, Tweet.”

Tell him how much you love him, Amanda. Stop being such a fuck up and say it. He loves you and wants you. You’re losing him. What is wrong with you? Stop sitting here and say something.

“There hasn’t been a day in my life that I haven’t loved you. I wish you would just let me love you,” he said.

He brought his hand up to my face and stroked it gently. Bringing our foreheads to rest together, he whispered. “You will always be the most important thing in my life. I’ll always be there for you no matter what or who. I have no past without you and I can’t imagine a future that doesn’t include you. I just need some time to figure out how I can have you
in
my life without having you
be
my life.”

Closing my eyes, I tried to compose myself. I was barely able to speak. I opened them and gazed at Noah. I brought my right hand up to his face, caressing from his cheek to his jaw. “I’m so sorry.”

Walking back to my house, our hands gripped each other’s as if we were holding on for dear life. We stood on my front porch holding each other for a long time. I wasn’t going to be the one to let go first.

Noah whispered in my ear, “I need to go or I won’t, and I have to do this.”

“I know,” I choked out through my sobs.

He took a step back. Our faces were drenched in tears and our chests were heavy from our sobs. The look in his eyes held so many meanings… love, desperation, and the ache you have when you lose the love of your life.

He stared at me for a few long seconds. “Goodbye Tweet.”

“Goodbye Noah.”

He watched me as he walked backwards down the steps, drawing out our time together as much as possible. He lingered at the bottom for a moment as we continued to take each other in.

My lips barely moved when I whispered, “I love you.” For a split second, I thought he heard me, but then he turned away, and was gone.

I hated myself. The very thing I was trying to avoid happened. I lost Noah. I tried so hard to control the situation and keep our relationship unchanged that I didn’t notice him slipping through my fingers until it was too late. Noah’s happiness was the most important thing to me. I wanted him to be happy even if it meant I was miserable. It’s amazing how in just a few hours my entire world came crashing down around me and I just stood there watching it happen.

I think I might be a freak. At almost 18 years old, I have kissed one boy, one time. The only boy I have ever fantasized about is Noah, although, Zac Efron has made an appearance now and again. Yep, he’s a pretty, pretty, pretty boy. His eyes are insane. His hair is so shiny.

Zac and Amanda Efron. OH MY GOD!!! That sounds awesome!!

What was the point of this entry? Oh yeah, am I a freak because I haven’t had sex yet? A lot of girls at school have already had sex. I’ve had guys ask me out, but I always come up with some excuse not to go. I’m not sure what I’m waiting for, it’ just sex. It’s not a big deal. That’s a lie. It is a big deal, at least to me. I guess, ever since I found out what sex was, I always pictured Noah being my first, which is stupid because we’re not going there. I need to bite the bullet and at least go on a date.

I wonder if Zac Efron ever comes to SC. This entry sucks. Eh, I’m done. I got Zac brain.

Four months had passed since Noah and I had the “
breakup”
talk. I saw him at school, but we didn’t say much to each other. We stopped eating together during lunch period. He started sitting at the table with the baseball team. We were thrown together a few times when our families got together and somehow I got through it.

Beth hadn’t spoken to me since that day at her locker and from the eighteen page letter she wrote me, front and back, it appeared that the friendship was unsalvageable. That was fine by me. After all these years, to end it with a letter was so passive-aggressive of her. I mean, come on, doesn’t anyone have balls nowadays? She thought I had talked Noah out of any type of relationship with her, which was entirely true, but she didn’t know that for a fact. I was sad that she and I were no longer friends, but it didn’t affect me as much as not having Noah around. He and I were still technically friends. It just didn’t feel like we were right now. The three of us, who once spent the majority of our time together, had all gone our separate ways.

The summer was a little easier to avoid each other. Beth’s family went to Paris for their summer vacation. We were entering our senior year, and Noah and I kept busy visiting different college campuses, separately, of course, and he went off to baseball camp for the month of July.

For the first time in my life, I felt completely alone. I had my family, but it wasn’t the same. My
averageness
blossomed whenever I was around my sister for long periods of time. I could handle going to the movies or out to eat fairly well. Going to the beach was another story. Emily looked perfect in a bikini, surprise, surprise. I had no problem going places by myself, but it helped to get my mind off Noah if I went with someone. Since Beth was out of the picture, Emily was the chosen one. My sister tried to get me to open up to her about what was bothering me, but what was I supposed to say?

Um…Emily, ever since I can remember, I’ve felt
extremely inadequate in all aspects of my life-looks, personality, intelligence, worthiness. Because of the hold my insecurities have on me, I can’t give myself to the one person I want to, my best friend. I tried to control the relationship and keep it the same, so we’d remain friends. I ended up losing him anyway. I’m an idiot. Oh, did I mention that a lot of this is due to you being so perfect?

I didn’t hate my sister for being perfect and beautiful. She deserved all the love and attention she got. I just wished I had been born first and had gotten her life. Maybe if I had, I would be with Noah right now.

I don’t know when exactly my relationship with Noah changed. It had transformed into some weird hybrid, more than best friends, but not a couple. I think we were always more than best friends. Our feelings for one another were deeper. We called each other best friends because we didn’t know what other label to put on it.