“Hi.” Brendan stood uncertainly. Tuck wanted to move forward and take him into his arms, but for some reason his feet were rooted to the ground.
Jamie would break the ice. Jamie would put them both at ease. Tuck peered around Brendan. “Where’s Jamie?”
“He, uh, he sent me up here alone.” Brendan looked sheepish and more anxious than ever. “Can I, uh, come in?”
Alone. What the hell? How could Jamie abandon him at a time like this? He needed Jamie’s moral support. He needed his wry sense of humor to get them over the initial awkward stage.
Then it occurred to him what a show of trust it had been on Jamie’s part to leave the two of them alone, without trying to insert himself into their reunion in any way. He knew Tuck’s strong feelings for Brendan. He knew the risk he was taking. Love welled up like a bright, hot fire, warming Tuck’s heart. He stepped back, gesturing Brendan into the room.
Brendan entered and looked around the living room. Terracotta tile floors were scattered with brightly woven throw rugs. The sofa and two matching chairs were made from cherry wood and upholstered with overstuffed cushions of bright yellow. “This place is so you. Bright and colorful and full of light.”
“Thanks.” What was wrong with him? Brendan was here in the flesh at last. Why wasn’t he grabbing him, kissing him, pushing him to the ground and tearing off his clothing? The man of his dreams had finally materialized like magic from the ether, and he couldn’t seem to do anything but stare.
“I’m glad to see you, Tuck.” Brendan spoke softly, not quite meeting Tuck’s eye. Tuck opened his mouth to answer in kind but no words came. Brendan shifted, looking miserable. “Aren’t you glad to see me?”
Suddenly Tuck realized what his problem was. He was pissed off. He was furious! He swallowed, trying to get a grip on his feelings. “To tell you the truth, I don’t know what I am. I’ve been thinking about this moment, or something like it, for so long, I guess it just doesn’t seem real. I mean, here you are. Hurrah. Jamie tells me you’ve seen the light. Admitted your sexual feelings for other men, accepted who you are at last, blah blah.”
Brendan frowned, a line of consternation appearing between his eyes. “Blah, blah? Is that what this is to you, just a big bore? Do you have any idea the personal demons I’ve been grappling with over all this shit?”
“Of course I do. Maybe that’s why I’m so pissed. It took you two months to get here, and you wouldn’t be here now if it weren’t for Jamie, am I right? You’d still be sitting alone in your house in Seattle, wrestling with your demons and feeling sorry for yourself, while the two guys who fell in love with you tried to get over you as best they could. While they tried to reconcile the man they’d come to know over those few amazing, wonderful days with the closed-off, repressed jerk on the phone who claimed none of it mattered, none of it was real. Just a passing perversion shared by desperate men in desperate times. We were just supposed to accept that and go on with our lives, forgetting you ever existed.”
Brendan sat down heavily in a chair and stared at the floor. Tuck sat opposite him, aware he was being horrible, wishing he could undo it and start over. Brendan looked up slowly. His face was pale, his expression stricken.
“You’re right. About everything you said. I tried to deny it, both the import of what we’d shared, and my own feelings about it. I was a coward and a jackass. And it didn’t just affect you. Because of my inability to face some truths, my ex-girlfriend got dragged back into things and I hurt her all over again.
“I guess what they say is true—sometimes you have to smack up against a brick wall before you can admit it’s time to change or die. For me the death was an emotional one. It’s taken me this long to figure out I was killing myself by shutting off my true feelings and desires.
“I’ve come to realize I’ve spent a lifetime ignoring whole chunks of myself. If feelings didn’t fit in with my carefully constructed view of the world and my place in it, I just shut them down. I don’t have anyone or anything to blame, unless you can blame a whole society and the way men are taught to look at and approach the world.”
Tuck thought one could indeed blame society for precisely that defect, but he said nothing, aware Brendan needed to talk without interruption. While he had had Jamie to work things through with over the last two months, he could only imagine how alone the self-contained Brendan must have felt.
Brendan continued. “When we connected last summer, I
knew
there was something there. I knew it was more than just a spontaneous friendship between colleagues. Even then, though I could barely admit it to myself, much less anyone else, I had fallen for you. Then I got scared of my feelings and shut them down. Even so, when I saw you on the roster of research candidates for the polar project, my heart leapt.
“But then during the project I reverted to my usual mindless, soulless M.O. I shut down and focused on work, telling myself the situation wasn’t conducive to exploring any unresolved feelings I might have toward you. So I let it go. You and Jamie somehow broke through the barriers when we were stranded, but as soon as we were rescued, the old walls rose again, hemming me in.
“I’m not sure if I would have found the courage to reach out to you and Jamie again, but then Jamie just appeared, like in a fairytale where if you wish hard enough, your dreams come true. I was at a point where I was finally ready to admit some hard truths and then, there he was, holding out his hand to me, offering me another chance.”
Brendan stood and stepped forward, reaching out his hand to Tuck. “I have no right to ask, but will you give me that chance as well? Let me try again? This time I won’t walk away, Tuck, unless you want me to. I understand now what I gave up. It wasn’t just your love, but a chance to finally be myself.”
Tuck’s heart seemed to expand, pressing against the confines of his chest. He took Brendan’s offered hand, allowing the other man to pull him up. They moved into each other’s arms and held one another tight. Tuck inhaled the other man’s scent, reveling in his closeness, awe falling over him and washing away any remaining anger.
They kissed, tentatively at first, then with more conviction, finally with a kind of desperation. Tuck pushed at Brendan’s jacket and Brendan shrugged out of it, letting it fall.
They sank together to the sofa, pulling at each other’s clothing, their mouths hungrily seeking each other. “Tuck.” Brendan managed to infuse the word with such meaning—anguish, regret, longing, desire. He tugged hard at Tuck’s shirt, jerking it open in a spray of buttons. “Oh. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to—”
Tuck put his fingers to Brendan’s lips. “It doesn’t matter.” He reached for the hem of Brendan’s shirt, dragging it up over his head. They sat bare-chested, face-to-face, drinking each other in.
Brendan shook his tousled hair from his eyes. “I’m sorry, Tuck. For everything.”
“I know,” Tuck whispered. “But you’re here now. Kiss me again.” It felt so right to hold Brendan, to taste him, to feel the press of his bone-hard erection. If only Jamie were there to share it with them. Jamie. Where was Jamie now? Tuck eased away from Brendan’s kiss and stood, suddenly longing for Jamie with an almost physical ache.
“Where’s Jamie? He’s not still down in the car, is he?”
“No. He went home. Back to his place in Carmel. Said he was going to shower and rest.”
“Did he say we should come over?”
“He didn’t say. I think he was leaving it to us.”
They looked at each other. No discussion was needed. Tuck read Brendan’s feelings on his face and was sure his were just as transparent. Of one accord, they stood. Brendan reached for his shirt.
“I’ll be right back.” Tuck hurried to his bedroom to grab a fresh shirt. He returned to the living room, pulling it over his head. “I picked a T-shirt this time, just in case you can’t control yourself again.”
Brendan grinned. “Sorry. It’s your fault for being so fucking hot.”
They stood smiling at one another a moment and then recalled their mission. “Jamie,” they said in unison. Without another word, they hurried out the door.
Chapter Eighteen
Brendan followed Tuck along a stone path that led from the narrow driveway to the small cottage nearly hidden behind tall shade trees. Though it was dark, he could hear the crash of waves along the shore that couldn’t be very far away.
“This is some place.” They stepped onto the lit porch, which held two white rocking chairs. Brendan imagined the two of them, Tuck and Jamie, sitting there watching the sun set over the water. A sense of longing tugged at his heart.
“Yeah. Jamie inherited it from his uncle. We mostly stay here.” Tuck knocked lightly on the screen door while Brendan took in the import of his statement. These two were a couple. Was there really room for three?
Jamie pulled open the door, a wide grin on his face. His hair was wet, his blue eyes made even bluer by the turquoise silk shirt he wore, the first several buttons undone to reveal his smooth, tan chest.
“Hey. I was wondering if you guys were going to show up. I made some frozen margaritas and I was just sitting here thinking I might have to drink the whole pitcher by myself.” He held up a glass half filled with pale green slush and flashed a dimpled grin.
They entered the room. Brendan stood back while Tuck and Jamie embraced. He looked around the small living room, with its wide-planked blond hardwood floors and wicker furniture. There was a small fireplace with a thick rug in front of it. Though it was only early May, Brendan imagined a fire crackling in the hearth, the three of them naked on the soft rug in front of it.
Jamie and Tuck parted and Jamie turned to Brendan. “Hey, stranger. Welcome to California.”
“This place is great. You must be right on the ocean.”
“Yep. A few hundred yards down the hill and there you are. I was incredibly lucky to get this. All sorts of relatives were furious when they were passed over in favor of the little faggot nephew.” His eyes narrowed briefly and Brendan thought how everyone had a story and he’d love to get to know both Jamie’s and Tuck’s better.
Jamie’s scowl was quickly replaced by a laugh. “What can I say? Uncle Rob and I were like this.” He held up a hand, the first two fingers crossed.
They followed Jamie into the kitchen, where he filled two large wineglasses with the frozen margarita mix and topped off his own. “Let’s sit on the porch,” Jamie suggested.
When they stepped out into the cool night air, Brendan noticed the stack of wooden folding chairs leaning up against the wall on the far side of the porch. Jamie placed one beside the rockers and sat, with Brendan beside him and Tuck on Brendan’s other side.
Brendan rocked in his chair, sipping the frozen, tart lime drink, still not quite taking in where he was and who he was with. If Jamie hadn’t miraculously appeared on his doorstep the morning before, he’d be in his bed now, reading one of Walter Mosley’s Easy Rawlins murder mysteries and trying desperately to keep his inherent loneliness at bay.
He glanced at Jamie. He was staring past the trees to the glimmer of ocean beyond, sparkling silver beneath a full moon. Brendan wondered what he was thinking.
He’d greeted them so easily when they’d come to his door. Clearly by his attire and the pitcher of drinks, he was expecting them to return, but he had no guarantee. He’d driven all that way to tell Brendan both he and Tuck were in love with him, then he’d brought him home to Tuck and left them alone.
What an act of courage on his part. Jamie knew better than anyone but himself and Tuck of their intense and, until now, unresolved feelings for each other. They hadn’t fallen into bed without him, but they might have.
Brendan marveled silently. He’d completely underestimated Jamie, assuming he was just another young, sexy guy out to have fun with whoever was available. Now he honestly couldn’t say who he loved more—Tuck or Jamie. A thought began to form, one he was almost afraid to explore. Maybe he didn’t have to choose?
He looked over at Tuck, at his strong profile and his easy, relaxed posture. Had Tuck really forgiven him? He’d wasted nearly a year of their lives by denying his own feelings for so long. Well, there was nothing to be done about what was past. All he could do was focus on the present, and be as honest as he could going forward, not just with the two of them, but with himself.
“I love the sound of the ocean.” Tuck’s deep voice pulled Brendan from his thoughts. Tuck added, “It always puts me to sleep.” To emphasize his words, he yawned.
Was that a hint? Just in case, Brendan offered, “I should get a motel room or something. Let you guys get some rest. You both have to work in the morning, right?”
“You’ll do no such thing,” Tuck retorted. “We finally got you back. We aren’t letting you go again, right, Jamie?”
Jamie nodded. “You got that right. We’ll tie you to the bed if we have to.”
“Yeah.” Tuck laughed and winked. “Jamie’s into bondage. We just bought some cool leather wrist and ankle cuffs. We’ll cuff you to the bed while we’re gone so you can’t escape.”
Brendan raised his eyebrows, half embarrassed, half turned-on. Despite himself, his cock rose at the image of Jamie, naked and cuffed to a bed. He looked at Jamie, intrigued by the sudden flush in his cheeks. Confident, cocky Jamie with the tattoo and the Harley was the last guy he would have pegged as being into that sort of thing, at least not on the receiving end.
Tuck laughed. “I think we’ve got Brendan’s attention.” He was staring pointedly at Brendan’s crotch. Now it was Brendan’s turn to blush. To deflect attention, he pursued his earlier comment. “Seriously, though. It’s nearly eleven. Don’t you both have to be at your labs in the morning?”
“Not till nine,” Tuck answered. “What about you? What arrangements did you make with your lab and your students back in Seattle?”
“Family emergency. I took the week off. I have a ton of vacation time saved. It wasn’t a problem.”
Jamie reached over the arm of Brendan’s rocking chair, leaving a trail of electricity along Brendan’s thigh as he moved toward his crotch. Tuck’s hand dropped to his other thigh. Brendan’s cock strained beneath the denim, his balls tightening.
“Let’s go inside,” Tuck said softly.
Jamie led the way, with Brendan in the middle and Tuck following behind. Jamie took their glasses and headed into the kitchen. Brendan started to move toward the chairs in the living room but Tuck stopped him.
“Let’s go into the bedroom.”
“I thought maybe we could talk—”
“We’ve talked enough.”
Jamie came back and, as if it were prearranged, they flanked him on either side and led Brendan into the bedroom. It was larger than he’d expected, nearly the size of the living room, with a king-sized bed set in a four-poster black wrought iron frame.
He realized both Tuck and Jamie were removing their clothes, Jamie unbuttoning his silk shirt, Tuck shucking his T-shirt and jeans. In a moment they were both naked and turning their attentions to him.
Tuck took the hem of Brendan’s shirt, lifting it over his head while Jamie knelt at his feet, removing first his shoes and socks and then reaching for his fly. Shyness assailed Brendan when Jamie tugged at his boxers, but he didn’t resist him. After all, the other two were already naked, their cocks rising along with his.
Tuck pulled Brendan toward him and kissed him, slow and tender. “Don’t leave us again, ’kay, Bren? Please.”
Jamie was behind him, cocooning him between the two of them. “Yeah,” Jamie added. “Stay and let us love you.”
Warmth and happiness suffused him. He could have stood there all night, locked safely in their arms.
Jamie stepped back and Tuck guided Brendan to the bed. Gently he pressed him down to the mattress. They lay on either side. When Tuck leaned over him, Brendan noticed for the first time the small jagged scar, white against smooth olive skin. He reached up to trace its outline with his finger, recalling that horrible, wonderful time they’d spent together, awed to be back with the two people he realized mattered most in his life.
Tuck smiled but said nothing. Instead he lowered his face to kiss Brendan’s lips. Jamie scooted lower, leaving a trail of butterfly kisses over Brendan’s chest and stomach. Brendan’s cock was aching, the blood thrumming in his veins.
Tuck spoke. “I want to make love to you, Brendan. I’ve been dreaming of this moment for a long time. Having Jamie here only makes it better. Do you want it too? Are you ready to take that final step with us?”
Brendan swallowed hard, his pulse quickening. “Yes,” he managed. “I want it.” To think, only a few nights before, he’d sat alone, drunk on the couch, using a dildo on himself and fantasizing about just such a moment as this. Was this really happening? Or would he wake up, his cock hard, his arms empty, as he had so many times before?
But it was no dream. Tuck rose to a sitting position and reached toward a small black lacquered box on the nightstand. He pulled out a condom and tore its wrapper, expertly rolling it over his erect shaft.
He pushed Brendan’s shoulder, indicating he should roll over. “I think it will be easiest for you on your hands and knees. So Jamie can be underneath you to, uh, distract you, if necessary.”
Not quite sure what he meant, but deeply aroused by the realization of what was about to happen, Brendan scrambled to his hands and knees. Tuck, still sitting on the bed beside him, took a tube of lubricant from the nightstand and squirted some onto his fingers. He positioned himself behind Brendan, who took a deep breath.
“Relax.” Tuck’s voice was soothing. Brendan startled a little when a lubricated finger ran a light ring around the rim of his hole. Despite Tuck’s gentle admonition, he stiffened when the finger entered his nether passage, gently pushing its way inside him.
Meanwhile Jamie maneuvered himself until his head was directly below Brendan’s cock, his body perpendicular beneath Brendan. Jamie lifted his head from the bed, closing his mouth over the crown of Brendan’s throbbing cock. He held it with his lips while stroking the length of it with his tongue.
A second finger was added but Brendan found he didn’t mind at all. Jamie was indeed distracting him and it felt fantastic. After several minutes of the sensual frigging, Tuck leaned over him, his mouth close to Brendan’s ear.
“I’ll go as slow as you need. We have all the time in the world. You ready for me, babe?”
Jamie chose that moment to catch his balls in a delicious grip, his mouth still glued to Brendan’s cock.
“Yes,” he breathed. “I’m ready. I want you.”
“I want you too. So much.” Tuck touched the head of his cock to the nether entrance and pressed. There was a split second of pain and then merely a fullness. Tuck moved carefully, inching his way into Brendan’s passage.
Brendan kept waiting for the pain to recur, but it didn’t. Jamie’s mouth and hands were driving him to distraction. The realization that Tuck was fucking him made his cock all the harder. Tuck began to move in tantalizing circles, still only the head of his shaft inside.
“You good?” Tuck murmured, his voice thick with lust.
“Yeah. Yeah, it’s good.” Brendan dared to push back against the huge phallus inside him. Still no pain, only a sensual fullness. Taking courage, he pushed back harder and this time Tuck moved forward to meet him, burying himself deep inside.
Each sensual thrust by Tuck was met with Jamie’s fingers and lips stroking Brendan’s cock beneath him. Brendan tried to hold himself back. He wanted to savor the moment, to draw it out, to never come down from the incredible high he was experiencing. But it was only a matter of minutes before the combined attentions of the two sexy men drove him over the edge.
“Oh God,” he cried out, desperately trying to hold on just a little longer. Tuck was thrusting hard against him, Jamie’s tongue and hands rendering him nearly senseless. He jerked hard. Strong hands pulled him back, impaling him on Tuck’s sword of a cock while he spurted in a series of ecstatic thrusts into Jamie’s willing mouth. He could feel Tuck coming at the same time, jerking in tandem to his own shuddering spasms. It was the most incredible feeling to know another man was coming deep inside him.
Completely spent, his muscles gave way all at once and he found himself tumbling forward against the bed. Jamie swiveled adroitly from beneath him while Tuck collapsed on top of him.
They lay in a tangle of sweaty limbs for what seemed a long while, Brendan passing in and out of a sexual lethargy that had rendered him paralyzed. Tuck finally lifted himself from him and rolled away.
Brendan, whose eyes were already closed, felt himself being pulled down into an inexorable sleep. He fought it, forcing his eyes to open and attempting to lift himself up. He failed, his eyes again closing, the lids weighted down with exhaustion and satiation. Dimly he was aware of the murmur of masculine voices above him but he couldn’t make out the words.
He would rest, just for a while…
When Brendan next opened his eyes, he was confused. Sunlight filled the room and the bed was empty. Had he really slept the night through? He sat up abruptly and heard the sound of running water.
Just then Tuck entered the bedroom from what must be the bathroom, wearing bikini underwear and nothing else. His black hair was wet and combed back. “Good morning. It’s still early. We don’t have to get up for work yet.” He slipped into the covers beside Brendan.
“I can’t believe I slept through the night. I must have been more tired than I thought.”
“You didn’t move the whole night.” Tuck grinned good-naturedly. “We considered mouth-to-mouth resuscitation but we decided to have pity on you.”
Jamie emerged from the bathroom with only a small towel around his waist. “Hey there, Bren. Did you sleep well?”
“Like a log, though I can’t believe it. I usually can’t sleep in any bed but my own.”
Jamie moved toward them and dropped his towel, slipping naked into the bed on Brendan’s other side.
Brendan saw something out of the corner of his eye attached to the bedpost over Jamie’s head. It was a black leather cuff, secured by a Velcro strap to the wrought iron. He looked toward the other post, where a second cuff dangled. “Oh my God,” he blurted. “You weren’t kidding about the cuffs.”