Playing it Kale (The McCain Saga Book 4) (24 page)

I pause and take a breath, feeling that
sharp ache trying to scissor its way back into my chest.
 
I’ve locked it away for a long time now,
pretending like it wasn’t there and that it couldn’t hurt me.

But sometimes it makes pain easier to
deal with when you share it.
 
I have a
lot of people to share it with.
 
And I
love them.
 
I don’t know all these people
out in the audience, and I don’t know all the people who will be watching this
later.
 
But I still love them.

And right now I could use a little more
love in my life.

“Kale overheard me singing one day,” I
say, for just a moment letting myself go back to that night and feeling the
excitement and uncertainty all over again.
 
“He scared me and I fell, and it was super awkward.
 
But he told me how great he thought I
was.
 
And then he told me to not worry
about anyone else that might listen.
 
Cause
he was the person I was most scared of there, and he
already thought I was something special.
 
So I could just go out there and do my thing.”

“Do you still use that thought process
now?”
Nelle
asks.
 

Such a loaded question.

I look at her for a long moment.
 
Too long, but I’m on a roll with that, so why
stop now.

“People need to change and evolve
constantly to survive this thing called life,” I somehow say without messing
everything up and falling to pieces.
 
The
scissors are wreaking havoc with my insides.
 
“You know, Kale was always so confident and happy and content with
himself.
 
He didn’t need anyone else’s
approval.
 
Cause he had his own.
 
I…I try do that now.
 
Just…be okay with being Whitney.”

“Why aren’t you two together anymore?”
someone from the audience shouts.

My eyes dart to the dozens and dozens of
people out in front of us.
 
To the gleaming cameras and the bright stage lights.
 
I swallow hard.
 
Blink twice.

“Because people do what they have to in
order to survive,” I say, my voice probably too quiet.
 
“And sometimes that means letting go and
moving on.”

Nelle
looks at me with kindness in her eyes.
 
She takes my hand in hers.
 
“Well,
the country loves you, and so does the rest of the world.
 
Everyone loves that girl who is just
Whitney.
 
And now,” she says, excitement
picking up in her voice in that energetic way of hers.
 
“Who wants to hear Whitney Ford sing?”

The crowd goes wild.

Even as a crack might
show in my façade.

I just hope that the cameras are facing
the excited crowd as I walk over to the performance stage.
 

Cause
my eyes are red.

CHAPTER
TWENTY-FOUR

The new album releases next week.

Seven days.

In seven days I’ll leave on tour
again.
 
I’ll be gone for eighteen
weeks.
 
Touring all
over the US.
 
Making stops in
Canada.
 
Heading over
to Europe.
 
One
stop in Japan.
 
Two stops in
Australia.
 
Then coming
back to the US for one last, huge show in New York.

So, in this small lull, where I demanded
some time before the storm, I came home.
 
To my old apartment.
 
In Seattle, looking over
Lake Union, and my old job, and my old, safe life.
 

My little old white truck is gone.
 
I’m sure it got towed away at some
point.
 
In the chaos that my life became,
I kind of forgot about it.
 
I have no
idea where it is now.
 
And I kind of miss
the sad, old thing.

Tony wanders around, always checking our
surroundings.
 
The crowds don’t know I’m
here.
 
Yet.
 
Somehow, they always eventually find
out.
 
But for now, I’m sitting alone on
the deck.
 
The traffic noises rumble
through the air.
 
The scent of saltwater
is heavy.
 
And I sit, wrapped in a
blanket, a mug of tea in my right hand.

It’s nice to just be me for a few
moments.
 
I rolled out of bed, knotted my
hair on top of my head.
 
I’m wearing this
long shirt as pajamas.
 
I don’t always
get to wear what I want these days.
 
Yes,
the stylists still try to generally stick with my quirky, vintage, and used sense
of style.
 
But they pick it all.
 
So, here is beautiful.
 
Just me.
 
Just real.

A knock on the door surprises me, and I
hear Tony shuffle to get it.
 
My anxiety
levels sky rocket, expecting Tony to have to talk down some reporter or
photographer.
 
It’s a common occurrence.
 
And I just want to relax today.

But a minute later, I hear heels
clicking across the hardwood floor.
 
I
turn to see Sage walking over to me.

“Hi,” I say, totally taken aback.
 
“I wasn’t expecting to see you anytime soon.”

“What, too busy for us common folk now?”
she asks in that confident, sarcastic way of hers.

“No, I just…”

“I know what you meant,” she says with a
one-sided smile.
 
She sinks into the
chair next to me and looks out at the view.
 
“This is a beautiful spot.”

I look back out toward all the boats and
nod.
 
“It used to be my grandmother’s.
 
When she died, my parents rented it out to
me.
 
I bought it from them a few months
back.”

“It’s different having a place be yours,
isn’t it?” Sage says without looking at me.
 

“It really is,” I say.
 
I take a sip of my tea, feeling it warm my
insides.
 
It’s May now, but the morning
is still cool.
 

“Congratulations on all of your success,
by the way,” she says.
 
And it means
everything that there’s admiration her voice.
 
“We’re really proud of you.”

I don’t know exactly who she means by
we
, but I’m grateful for it anyway.
 
“Thank you,” I say.
 
“It’s all been totally insane.
 
But it’s also amazing.”

I feel Sage’s eyes on me, studying me
hard.
 
“Then why do you sound so sad?”

My eyes meet hers, and I don’t have to
answer.

We look at each other, and I can see it
there, too.
 
Sage is feeling the pain as
well.
 
She isn’t an emotional person, but
she is observant, and she’s smart.

“How is he?” I ask before I give myself
permission to.
 
Because the last thing I
want to talk about is Kale.
 
I’ve been
trying so hard the last few months to not think about him.
 
Or at least to pretend like
I don’t think about him.

She shrugs.
 
“I can’t say that I really know.”
 
She sits back in her chair, and her entire body
language screams sadness.
 
“He moved back
to his apartment in New York about five months ago.”

Five months.
 
That seems so long ago.
 
But then I have to remind myself that it’s
been
seven months
since he removed me
from his life.

“I think he’s trying to deal.
 
To figure out his life without the world
constantly drooling over him,” she continues.
 
“But he’s lost.
 
Trying to
rediscover who you are when you’re nothing but angry isn’t an easy thing.”

Moisture stings the back of my eyes, but
it isn’t sad.
 
It’s pity.
 
And anger.
 
Because life just isn’t fair.

“He made a huge mistake, you know,” Sage
says when I don’t have anything.
 
“By ending things with you.”

I shrug and shake my head without
looking at her.
 
“We were young, and what
did we know, right?”

Sage places a hand on my arm and draws
my eyes to hers.
 
“Don’t do that to
yourself
,” she says, her voice stern.
 
“Don’t cut yourself down when you were once
sure about something.
 
I know you loved
my brother.
 
I’m pretty sure you still
do.
 
And I know he loved you.
 
No one knows Kale better than me, and I know
he did.”

My chest is having difficulties letting
oxygen into my lungs.
 
It’s hard to
breathe.
 
“Then why did he let me
go?”
 

Man, those words were hard to get out.

She gathers her words for a second.
 
“Because he let himself go.
 
And you were so solidly attached to him by
that point that he couldn’t let go of himself without letting you go, too.”

These words kill me.
 
They make me want to have that world-ending
emotional break that I’ve been fighting back these past seven months.
 
But I can’t.

I just can’t.

Cause
once it starts, I’d never, ever be able to stop it.

“We’re all having dinner at our house
tonight,” Sage finally says.
 
She may be
intimidating and scary, but she does know when someone’s pushed to their
limit.
 
She knows when to change the
subject.
 
“We all would really love it if
you came.
 
You should come meet Riley and
Lake’s new baby.”

The love that Sage is extending, the
love of the McCain family, it makes my heart feel just a tiny less heavy.
 
It makes me feel a part of something
again.
 
“I’d love that.”

It’s the best day I’ve had in months and
months.
 
Sage waited while I showered and
got ready.
 
Then we went shopping.
 
And oh how the woman could shop and drop
money like it was hot.
 
But it was
wonderful.
 
I even managed to drag her
into two second hand stores.
 
She may
have acted like she was going to die of Ebola or something, but she humored me.

We went to lunch.
 
Talked endlessly.

I only got mobbed twice, signed about
thirty random things, Tony getting us safely from one screaming fan to the
next.

And then around four, we headed back to
her house on the water in Bellevue.

“Good to see you again, Whitney!” Julian
greets me warmly when we walk inside.
 
He
engulfs me in a huge hug, his tattooed arms embracing me tightly.
 
“We’ve missed you.
 
Not that we don’t see you every single day on
TV.”

“It’s good to see you, too,” I smile
back at him when he lets me go.

There’s someone back in the kitchen,
whirlwinding
around.
 

“It’s my turn to host the family for
dinner this month, and neither of us knows how to make anything more than
cereal,” Sage says, looking slightly sheepish.
 
“That’s Marta, the cook.”

“Hi, Marta,” I call, giving her a wave.

She’s a girl that doesn’t look much
older than me.
 
But the second she gets a
look at my face, she freezes.
 
“Oh
my gosh
, Whitney Ford.”

We all laugh at that, and Marta starts
gushing about how much she loves my music.

“Well, thank you,” I say.
 
I’ve gotten reactions like this hundreds,
thousands of times.
 
And I still don’t
know how to take it.
 
“That really means
a lot to me.”

“Lucian!” a shrill voice suddenly cries
out.
 
“That was my hair you pulled!”

We all turn to see Paisley chase Lucian
through the door and up the stairs.
 
“It
was an accident!” Lucian cries back.

“Pay, let it go!” Drake yells, only
three steps behind them.
 
He’s got Afton
on his hip, and I can’t believe how much she’s grown.
 
“Hey, Whitney!
 
What a nice surprise!”

He crosses the hall and hugs me with his
free arm.
 
He lets Afton down and she
goes running off after the other kids.
 
“How are you, Miss famous, quirky girl?”

“I’m good,” I say.
 
And for the first time in a long time, I
don’t feel like I’m lying through my teeth.

“Whitney?”
 

I turn to see Kaylee walking through the
door, right after Quinn.
 
She’s got a
brilliant smile on her face.
 
She
literally darts forward and wraps me in a huge hug, the top of her head not
even close to coming to the bottom of my chin.
 
“It’s so good to see you.”

“You too,” I say, squeezing her
back.
 
“I can’t believe how much the kids
have grown.”

“I know, right?” she says as she
releases me.
 
“I don’t know what Drake
has been sneaking into their food.”

“Won’t be long and Pay will be taller
than you, my love,” Drake says with a grin as he presses a kiss to the top of
her head.

The door swings open, and in walks
Lake.
 
He’s got the handle of a car seat
over his huge forearm.
 
And behind him
walks Riley.
 
She looks tired, but
amazing.

“Hey,” they both say when they see
me.
 
Riley gently gives me a hug, and I
can’t help but think she looks so good with a touch more baby padding on
her.
 
“It’s good to see you.”

“Oh my goodness,” I coo when Lake flips
back the sun visor of the car seat and reveals a tiny baby girl.
 
“Who is this?”

Lake beams.
 
And I mean
beams
.
 
The man looks so
proud he could blind the
sun
with his
new-father smile.
 
He sets the car seat
on the floor and unbuckles the tiny little newborn.
 
Ever so careful, his giant hands swallowing
her little body, he pulls her from the seat.

“This is Callie,” he says as he cradles
her in his muscled arms.

“She’s one month old, yesterday,” Riley
says with a blissful smile.
 
She adjusts
Callie’s shirt, which was poking up over her nose.
 
And her nose looks exactly like Riley’s.
 
Soft, red hair covers her head.
 
She’s got Lake’s ears, and, I swear, Sage’s
exact jawline.
 
She looks so much like
Riley, but she’s a McCain through and through.

Callie McCain.

“Can I hold her?” I ask hopefully.

“Yeah,” Lake says with a smile.
 
It’s always so startling to see a smile on his
face.
 
He seems so serious and reserved
most of the time, but then these moments happen and this brilliant smile comes
bursting forth.