Played (22 page)

"Janey, would you like to invite your
guest to stay here?" Russ asked. Of all the awkward questions, I didn't
expect that. Russ had put me in a terrible position. If I said yes, it might
give Drew the wrong impression. It was impossible to say no, which would've
been unconscionably rude. Amber saved me.

"Of course she would. Janey, aren't
you going to introduce your friend to us?"

I was relieved to have the matter taken out
of my hands, but still in a bit of a dither. "Oh, of course. Amber, I'd
like you to meet Andrew Craig. Drew, you've heard me speak of my guardian, Russ
White. Russ, Drew is the star of the Runnin' Utes basketball team." This
jumbled introduction made everyone start talking at once, and then fall silent
to allow someone else to speak.

"Point guard?" Russ asked.

"You've seen our games?" Drew
responded.

"Mostly when they're playing the
Cowboys," Russ said, referring to the University of Wyoming team. "I
was going more by your size." Amber and I were forgotten as Russ and Drew
began talking basketball at a level that neither of us could follow, though I
tried. After all, I was a basketball fan too, just not as well educated about
the game as Russ was.

"Did you play basketball, sir?"
Drew asked. Russ shot him a rueful look.

"No, I had no athletic ability
whatsoever. But, if you call me sir again, I might have to see which of us is
the better wrestler. I'm Russ, and I take it you're Drew?"

"Yes, s… Russ. Thanks for inviting me
to stay."

Russ and Drew were getting along so well,
that I couldn't help feeling a little left out. I didn't understand it. This
was the last place in the world I would've expected to see Drew, but I was
unaccountably happy he was there. On the other hand, he was virtually ignoring
me, to get acquainted with Russ. Was that good or bad? At least we weren't
embroiled in a heated discussion about the future of our relationship. It must
be good.

It turned out that Drew had planned to stay
for only a couple of days, unsure of his welcome. Russ insisted I take the next
day off to visit with him, so it appeared we would be discussing the future of
our relationship after all. I did my best to deflect it.

Of course, Drew met Gracie at dinner the
night he arrived. He was charmed, and she was star struck. From her vantage
point, Drew was a giant. But, the moment he picked her up and engaged her in
conversation, she was his. I knew he had five younger brothers and sisters, and
now I wondered how old the youngest were. We had talked more about their
poverty, and his determination to alleviate it, than about who his brothers and
sisters were as individuals.

The next day, over Gracie's strenuous
objections, I left her with Amber, and took Drew to the barn to see if we could
find a horse that would suit him as a beginner. I wanted to ride far enough
away from the house that there would be no chance of anyone overhearing us.
Drew was rather comical in the barn. He wasn't exactly afraid of the horses,
but, as he said, he had a healthy respect for them. I laughed at him, selected
the oldest and gentlest mare that was big enough to carry his weight, and saddled
up for him. Just so I could keep the upper hand, I picked out a young stallion
for myself. Normally I would've picked the gelding, but I felt the need to show
off.

We must have looked incongruous, big Drew
on the shorter mare, while I sat tall atop the big stallion. Drew was paying
more attention to not falling off the horse than to how we looked, though.
Gradually, as we walked sedately away from the barn, he began to be more
comfortable, until I allowed the stallion to break into a canter. I took pity
on him when I looked back and saw that he was holding on with grim
determination and a look of terror on his face. It was only then that I
realized I was risking his next season if he fell off. I brought my horse to a
stop and waited for them to catch up.

"Thanks," he said, a little
breathlessly. "Can we get off and walk for a while?"

I knew this was the decisive moment; that
he wanted to talk. There was no point in delaying it further, but I had no idea
what I was going to say.

"Janey," he said, moving closer.
"I've missed you. Do you think, I mean would it be possible even, for us
to start over?"

"Start over…" I repeated.
"What do you mean, exactly?"

"Can we pretend that nothing ever
happened between us? Start over, as in, pretend we just met?"

I considered it. Could I forget? I doubted
it. I thought I might be able to pretend. That begged the larger question,
though. What difference would it make, if I didn't return to school? Drew
wouldn't have time to come out and visit me at the ranch during the school
year, so what were we really talking about?

"Drew, what do you want from me? Are
we going to be friends, or were you thinking girlfriend?" Maybe it was too
direct a question. He turned and walked away from me a few feet, his head down.
I waited.

"Janey, I can't stop thinking about
you. It's not just because you're beautiful, though you are. It's because we
enjoy the same kind of books, because you've learned to love basketball,
because we have fun together." By then, he was close to me, and he reached
to take me into his arms. I went willingly. With one arm wrapped around my waist,
he pushed the fingers of his other hand into my hair, and tugged, bending me
over his arm for a kiss. And, what a kiss!

Under the blue Wyoming sky, with the early
morning sun warming us, we stood entwined, tall in the flat meadow like a
sentinel. His lips moved on mine, then his tongue sought mine, and an eternity
passed as he showed me exactly what he wanted from me. When at last he broke it
off, I was breathless and more aroused than I had been in months.

"Drew," I breathed. "I don't
know if this is a good idea."

"And yet, you kissed me back."

"I can't deny that I react to you
physically," I tried to explain. "But, I don't know if it's fair to
you. I've been so confused, about my feelings, about my motives…"

"Stop thinking, then, and just let
your heart guide you." The hope and anguish on Drew's face touched me,
making me want to be able to love him. Could I let myself become lost in
pleasure with him again, only to realize that it was lust, not love that drove
my reaction to him? I still felt unworthy of his feelings for me.

"Can you give me some time? I need to
think about this."

"No, Janey, that's the problem. You
need to stop thinking and just feel."

“What if I hurt you again? I couldn't bear
it."

"Do you hear yourself? You care for
me, or you wouldn't worry about hurting me."

Once or twice before in my life, I'd
experienced a profound shift in the way that I saw the world. Now it happened
again, as if I'd entered an alternate universe, one in which I was worthy of
love after all. I looked at Drew curiously, my senses alert. When had the brisk
Wyoming breeze started? Why was the sky a deeper blue? And, how could I have
denied what I felt for the man before me? A curious sensation flooded my body,
the need to run and jump. I couldn't resist it. Catching Drew’s hand, I laughed
aloud and began to run across the arid fields. Drew ran with me, no doubt
assuming I'd lost my mind. When I was out of breath, I stopped abruptly, turned
to him and threw my arms around him.

"Kiss me," I demanded.

Drew pulled me to the ground with him and
held me tight as he obeyed my command. We were lost in the moment for a long
time, but when I felt his erection pressing into me, I came to my senses. The hard
packed Wyoming dirt was no place for a romantic tryst.

"Drew, wait. We can't do this
here."

"Why not? There's no one to see."

"Believe me, I want it as much as you
do, but we’ll both end up covered in bruises if we don't find somewhere softer
to lie." For the first time, Drew looked around in bewilderment.

"Oh, I guess you're right. I didn't
notice." With that remarkable pronouncement, he gave me a grin of pure
delight. I matched it and punched him lightly on the arm.

"Sure, you didn't. That's because you
had something soft to cushion you. Me."

We got up from where we lay, brushed ourselves
off and had a good laugh at our own expense.

"I can't wait to get you in bed,"
he whispered. "Should I get a hotel for tonight?"

"Don't bother. No one will mind if I
come to your room. Let's just enjoy the rest of the day, and after I put Gracie
to bed, I'll come to you. You do have condoms this time," I asked. He gave
me a sheepish look.

"I do. You have to know I had
hope."

~~~

For the rest of the day, I was on pins and
needles. Every time I managed to calm myself down, and interact with others as
if nothing were afoot, a jolt of adrenaline would hit me, and I'd flush. I felt
as if I were under a spotlight, and that no one could fail to notice my bizarre
behavior. No one mentioned it, though, not even Amber, who was prone to
blurting out whatever she thought without filters.

The only one who noticed my agitation was
Gracie. She kept asking, "Are you okay mommy?"

"Yes, sweetheart. Mommy's fine."
With the uncanny ability of a child to notice emotion, Gracie wasn't satisfied
with my answer. I would feel her eyes on me, and look over to see her sweet
face scrunched up in a puzzled frown. Of course, I couldn't tell her what was
wrong. She was far too young to understand, so I just gave her extra hugs all
day, and hoped she'd be able to go to sleep at bedtime. Naturally, my anxiety
over that meant an uncharacteristic tantrum when it was time for her to go to
sleep.

Thinking to calm us both, I took her into
my lap in the rocking chair where I'd rocked her as a baby. Her legs were so
long now that they dangled dangerously close to the rockers. I gathered her
closer to me, pulling her knees up around my waist. Singing lullabies to her
until I felt her weight settle into me, I knew that she was sound asleep. Now
the trick would be to get her in bed without waking her. I was contemplating
how I was going to get out of the chair with her when Drew appeared in the
doorway, a question on his face.

As soon as he saw us in the rocking chair,
his face cleared. He came over and held out his arms as if to ask whether he
should take Gracie. I nodded, and he slipped his arms around her, transferring
her from my arms to his in a smooth motion. He looked around, saw her little
bed, and placed her in it tenderly. I watched, charmed, as he bent to kiss her
forehead and pulled the blankets up over her shoulder.

He came and pulled me out of the rocker by
the hand, whispering that if I needed to stay with her, he'd understand. I
shook my head.

"She's fine," I whispered. I
turned on the baby monitor and picked up the receiver to take with me.
Hand-in-hand, Drew and I crept down the hall to his room. As we went, I told
myself again and again, 'starting over, starting over'.

~~~

Despite my anticipation, and Drew’s obvious
eagerness, I was shy with him. All the months of flirtation and denial, the
frustrating encounter we’d had on Valentine's Day, and the weeks of
misunderstanding afterward, stood between us. I forgot my resolve to pretend if
I couldn't forget what was between us, and shook with dread that I would do or
say something to ruin this moment.

Drew could tell that something was not
right. When we got to his room, he held me for a moment, kissing the top of my
head before saying we didn't have to do anything if I was uncomfortable. I
asked if it would be okay if we just cuddled for a while. Drew patiently
removed his shoes and went to lie on top of the coverlet, patting the bed
beside him in invitation. I slipped off my sandals, and climbed up beside him,
snuggling into his arms. A feeling of peace was my immediate reward. Lying in
his arms, both of us still and quiet, I had time to think, but no need to.
Instead, I followed his earlier instruction and simply allowed myself to feel.

Drew’s warmth surrounded me, and his spicy
scent drove a sense memory of all those passionate kisses under the trees
outside the dorm. Almost without volition, I tilted my head back in an
invitation for him to kiss me. His arms tightened and his lips descended upon
mine. That was all it took for me to relax in sweet surrender. Drew explored my
mouth with his tongue, dancing with mine, before withdrawing to nuzzle along my
jaw line and behind my ear. His hand swept my hair back from my face, and,
opening my eyes, I could see that he was gazing at me with a powerful emotion
in his eyes. Was it love? I thought so. I wondered if my eyes held the same
light.

"Drew," I breathed.

"Shh," he answered softly,
"just feel." His hand drifted from my hair to cup my cheek, and then,
trailing his fingertips enticingly along the skin of my neck, moved to my
breast. My breath caught in my throat and my nipple responded, growing erect
under his palm. I still hadn't turned my thoughts off, but now they drifted
lazily as he nuzzled into my neck and squeezed my breast before reaching to
untie the shoulder strap that held up my sundress.

With the strap untied, his hand grazed over
my breast again, this time pushing the thin cotton fabric out of the way so
that my sensitive skin could feel each infinitesimal movement of his hand. I
moaned softly as he used his thumb and finger to lightly pinch my erect nipple
and roll it between them. He rolled slightly away from me, the better to untie
the other strap and bare both breasts to his gaze. My wanton nipples stood for
his attention, begging for his touch.